I couldn't help it .. I just stood on the tips of my toes, pulled his neck. And I kissed him.
It was just a peck in fact, that lasted for a nano second before I had all my senses back.. and I stopped.
we were both so taken aback with it that once I parted from his lips, landed back on my feet again and pushed Eliyas a little away from me it was akin pushing an air balloon .. He was pushed about two steps away with ease.
_"I.. I..i didn't " I started to stutter feeling totally confused with what I did.
He was staring at me as if some nerve was unplugged inside his head.. Not saying a word.
I felt the heat rushing to my face so fast I only wanted to dig a hole in an ice cube and bury my head inside it.
Where have my pride gone?
Where have my promises of never getting close to him and never allowing him to touch me again disappear to?
For me.. Eliyas became forbidden ever since the day I lost my son because of him. I would have forgiven any thing but not such a precious life being taken away from me.
I felt so horrible about what I did that I cursed my self a thousand times inside my heart.
While still being in a state of confusion.. The smell of burn and the ugly sound of fried vegetables running out of water and getting more stuck on the pan were loud in the silence.
I quickly turned off the fire.. then helplessly leaned my weight on my arms while resting them on the kitchen counter and starting to nervously tap on it.
This is another habit of mine .. I always tap rhythmically on whatever object that makes a sound when I'm nervous.
_" forget it happened.. I'm just not feeling ok today."
I finally explained giving my back to him.
I sighed .. then I turned to look at him again saying:
_"I was.. I don't know, just forget it"
Eliyas who was standing in front of me looked like he already snapped out of his confusion. Observing my messed up state he thankfully was gentleman enough to suggest:
_"I'll go back to the living room first.. Should I order some food?"
_" no need to do that"
When he walked out of the kitchen my eyes followed him .. For no reason I kept secretly watching him through the kitchen door to see whether he'll throw a fist in the air in celebration because I was the first among us both to lose the battle of pride and temptation, or whether he'll go have a look at him self on the mirror and smile proudly to his fine reflexion that made all my shields melt.
Well, I don't know why both my constantly strong sense of logic and high IQ were having such a strike fall out and suddenly I became this dumb creature, sigh, Let's just say that the one can not always count on the constant efficiency of his own brain.
Anyways, I kept secretly watching that man .. He walked to the sofa, he sat on it but instead of making a fist or whatever silly celebration party I thought he might do, he didn't seem in a happy mood at all.
Against all my expectations, it was clear he was hurt more than happy. As he rested his back on the back of the sofa and absently looked at the space in front of him, he covered his eyes with his forearm.. His expression was so sad and in pain.
He was nothing but a wounded person, like if my kiss hurt him more than the words can describe and the heart can bear.
I really don't know how things ended up turning this way in his end.. But what I know is that this prideful man walked out of the kitchen simply because he definitely didn't want me to see this side of him.
So, I acted like the gentle lady I am and I went back to the kitchen to cook whatever was left not burned from the vegetables and to fry some chicken stakes.
After the meal was finally cooked I yelled:
_" Eliyas~ Empty the table in front of you and Come help me take the plates there."
He soon came inside the kitchen .. So I handed him a tray with the soup and main dishes on it saying:
_" walk carefully.. Watch your way"
Since I didn't think I will need a dining table in the kitchen because no one comes to my house to eat I decided to save more money and didn't buy it.
Being someone who takes an hour to finish a 5 mins meal and loves to watch tv while eating I always found eating in the living room more convenient.
And this is why the small beautiful table beside the sofa whose initial work is to just be displayed beautifully, maybe curry a magazine or two above it and the remote control, was transformed into a multi functional item: a dining table, iron stake, study table, a chair and even a ladder.
To be honest, I would have been a perfect economic wife who saves her husband a lot of money and a good fund manager as well, growing up I always felt especially proud of this treat of mine that would make a good wife material out of me .. Who would have thought I will be married to the richest man in the country and all my praised qualities will be useless!
_" you sit on the sofa .. I'll go bring a chair" I addressed Eliyas once finishing putting the plates.
After I came back and pushed the small sized chair in front of the sofa, I looked at him again and said:
_"if you want any drink or fruits then you go buy them from the store because I only have plain water to serve"
_"I'm fine" he said while looking intensely at both the meal and me.
This man.. He must have hated the meal I served.
Well, you can't expect someone who always ate things I don't even know how to pronounce to like a plate of almost burned vegetables with plain chicken, a soup, and salad. But he could have at least put a better expression and said "thank you" to appreciate the effort I made.
He only stuffed his mouth and ate in displeasure as if he was forced to.
After a long time of watching such episode of torture I lost my appetite and said:
_" you don't have to eat it if you don't like it"
Once I finished speaking he calmly put his fork down, thinking that he agreed to my words I was about to start cleaning the table when he suddenly said while bowing his face:
_" you always failed to read me Noursine, for a long time I thought it was I who maybe showed you all the wrong signs but that is absolutely not the case.. You simply never tried to understand me, it's this simple"
While I felt so surprised with these unexpected words.. He finally raised his eyes to look at me and continued:
_" I enjoyed the food that my wife cooked for me.. I selfishly felt so happy because you kissed me, I thought this will never happen again.. And I felt both angry and disappointed because you hated it that much. If this all wasn't so obvious.. Then here I am making it clear."
I didn't know what to say.. You see, I didn't know want for things to become complicated so I acted as if that kiss never happened, and I ignored every sign that Eliyas shown in the process..
Of course I saw how his eyes sparkled after I kissed him, and how it was so obvious that he was going to attempt for a deeper kiss after I turned to look at him again.. how he gulped nervously when he said he was going to the living room.
I ignored all that, like I ignore most of Eliyas's good side and willingly choose not to see it, because I'm terrified of being hurt if I let my guard down around him, like I did in the past.
Dear readers, this is a journalist's story after all .. You will sure read the truth, but of course some facts i'll just skip mentioning them or hide them. Just the way you read an article, no matter how a journalist will try to be objective.. He'll always give you only half the truth.
Since I had nothing to say to Eliyas not wanting us to have any sort of argue or talk.. Or any interaction.
I simply started to clean the table.. After I finished I said:
_" you can take a shower before you change to your clothes again.. And leave"
_"Noursine!" He called my name displeased.. I looked at him seriously and said:
_" you can just leave now if you don't want to take a shower"
After I finished talking, if the heart makes a sound when it breaks then I would have heard a cracking sound coming from Eliyas.
I'm not mean by nature, once I saw the broken expression he rarely shows my hands which were holding the tray already started to tremble and I felt a stone stuck in my throat.
As cruel as I may look to you, he really was crueler. And I can't forgive him..
Three years ago, I was pregnant with his son.. For some reason or another Eliyas started getting distant at that time, we would rarely meet.. Hardly speak, and he even started to sleep on the sofa.
I did all my doctor's check outs all alone as if my son didn't have a father, whenever I called him he never answered and I was always transfered to his secretary.
Since he never asked and I never had the chance to speak, he never knew my pregnancy was in a weak condition and that I needed to be very careful, things like stress and physical traumas were like a death sentence to my child.
I was doing my all for my child alone, Eliyas was simply abandoning me like everyone I loved did, until one fateful day I was lying on the bed reading a magazine, I found my husband's picture on it.. He was with Lydia.
The picture was taken in some occasion that I didn't know about, they were standing together smiling and the article's big title was "should we expect the upcoming marriage of the prince of the Filladi empire?"
Such articles would usually start to mention all the small details and events that happened and of course led to such assumption, and that is exactly what was written in the magazine.
The Several meetings they both had that I had no idea about.. Some passing comments they made on certain events and statements of eye witness .. As I red further I felt more disappointed, more angry.. And more sad.
But what really broke me from the inside, was a certain lunch meeting that they had.. The journalist trying to be accurate mentioned the exact day and hour they had this lunch together. And I realised it was exactly at the same time when I had an appointment with the gynecologist, while I was having a check up with the doctor and being stressed over my baby's weak condition, going from one body exam to another, afraid that my phobia might attack because of my fear of the doctor.. I was all alone through this, and the father of my child was spending his time leisurely with some other woman, not minding us, even his secretary lied to me saying he had an important meeting!
I lost every drop of rationality reading this magazine on my bed, when Eliyas walked out of the bathroom and was about to take his suitcase and walk out of the room I held that magazine and I blocked his way.
I was so hurt thinking how little I meant to him, how insignificant was our son.. How he'd always reject my calls and reject my simplest of demands claiming that he had to work when the fact was actually that he simply didn't want us.. That he had another woman.
I cried so much although I didn't want to, I knew in my heart that this man didn't love me nor I loved him but it still hurt so much to think my son will have such a father and that we'll spend our lives neglected like insignificant accessories in the villa. I kept pointing at the article and asking repeatedly:
_" what's this?"
He snatched the magazine out of my hand and tossed it on the ground angrily shouting:
_" Are you not a journalist Noursine? How can you believe such nonsense?"
I felt so disgusted with him .. I tried to wipe my tears and take control over my emotions and asked more calmly:
_" last Tuesday, were you or were you not with her while I went alone to the doctor?"
He squeezed his temples while looking at me.. then he said:
_"I really don't have time for this now, I have an important meeting in half an hour .. I'm already late"
_" answer me!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.
_" yes! She was there! I was with her! Are you happy now?" He shouted back.
And then came the long silence, And the utter disappointment.
I was going to break up with him anyways at that moment .. I had already decided it.
I had no value in his life.. Nor did his son, he lied, and he had another woman.. I really had no left reason to stay with him.
He didn't care about my emotions at that moment, after admitting whatever that he admitted he checked his freaking watch and turned around to walk out of the room in a hurry leaving me crying behind.
You see, I was always very prideful .. All my life.
But for whatever reason I gave up my pride for just moments that day .. Just few moment of me acting desperate caused me to lose the most precious thing I ever had, My son.
When ti saw him holding his suitcase and about to leave the room I dashed towards him and I held his suitcase with both my hands. And I whispered weakly:
_" I swear if you leave now you won't find me when you're back"
And he .. Not only chose to leave me .. But he further snatched his suitcase violently from my hands causing me to fall strongly behind me.
You see, there was a certain furniture counter in our room that I never particularly liked, it was sculptured on a edgy rock and the drawers were made of attached steel. It was very ugly having so many thorns and barely a small smooth surface to use but my mother in-law insisted that i keep it there.
I fell hard on that thing when i was casted.
That cursed thing didn't even make one sound.. It was so hard and heavy to make any sound at all.
Yet i felt those freaking rock thorns penetrating my thighs like pointy knives. It was the kind of pain that the one don't even shout while receiving all at sudden, i just stared blankly in the space.. And somehow i knew it was already over.
That ex husband of mine just slammed the door behind him after he left and never checked behind him to see the wounded person he left.
That scum.. I lost my son because he simply walked away and slammed the door behind him.
Just because he didn't turn behind for one split second.
I started to feel bad pain right away after i fell.. And then came the panic attack after that, i really tried to move to grab my phone to call for help .. But i only ended up falling on the ground after i stood up, blood was gushing out from the multiple cuts that i had, I attempted to crawl to the bed, but i just couldn't move.. My feet refused to, i was shaking so much that whenever i attempted to stand up i'd fall, whenever i pushed my self forward i'd just move for a bit. having my vision so blurry.. Having my breaths so quick yet seemingly none. And feeling pain everywhere to the point i lost the power to think clearly, it was the most powerful panic attack i had in my whole life.
i shouted for help when i was awake but no one heard me .. Unfortunately i couldn't when i lost consciousness especially when the pain at my lower abdomen worsened.
I will always feel very guilty towards my innocent son because i panicked in the time when i was supposed to save him, because his mother had such a psychological condition he died.
The doctor told me later that i had a miscarriage because i had a low blood pressure, because i both lost blood and because i panicked. That my baby suffocated because only little blood reached him.
You know what the sad part is?
That i spent about three hours in that awful state because no one noticed my absence and no one came to my room. hurt ..bleeding, knowing that i had lost my son already, crying.. begging god for mercy, and feeling like if i was dying which partly was true that once.
It was that scum Eliyas who had found me unconscious after he came back from his work later, with god's mercy.. He came back only after 3 hours to find me lying unconscious on the ground drown in my own blood. when i was taken to the hospital my vitals were alarming, i needed to be put in the intense care unit for days.
In the end i lost my son.. My life was endangered, my thighs were wounded and scared, i ended my marriage, and i reported that scum to the police.. But he had such a strong law team that he walked out of everything with no punishment at all except for compensation payment.
Feeling desperate i just wanted to walk out of that place with the little pride i still had.. I filed for divorce not wanting to live with the man who killed my child but again the same law team made it impossible for me to have a divorce without Eliyas's consent.
So i didn't even get a proper divorce.
I will never forgive Eliyas .. He pushed me.. He saw me falling yet he didn't stop for one moment to check on me.
He knew all about my phobia.. He knew that even such a small fall will terrify me anyways, Just because he had a freaking work meeting he ignored me and a life was lost.
How can i forgive him for the torture i lived for hours? For days and for years? Or for the son he never cared about and ended up killing by his own hands?
I'm better without that heartless.
I took the half empty plates to the sink and i started cleaning them.
I barely opened the tap when Eliyas followed me inside the kitchen and he said in a serious manner:
_" Noursine.. can we talk properly for just once"
_"there's no need for talking at all.. There's nothing to say" i answered while cleaning the dishes.
There was really nothing left to say between both of us, we were lost already.
He observed me for a long time .. Without making any action nor saying any word.
He just stood beside the sink .. And watched me like i was a tv.
It honestly feels weird being stared at.. The one no matter how confident he is about his looks will unquestionably start to have second thoughts and uncertainties after such a long time of being in someone's bullseye.
So i coldly put down the pot in the sink and i turned to look at him daringly.
I'm that kind of person that if you stare at will stare back, if you speak up will speak back. And that is what i decided to do.
A staring battle!
I looked at him unblinkingly until my eyes dried.. After that i started to blink intermittently but didn't stop staring at him at all!
I really don't get how we ended up having such a silly "dare to look off first" game after having an "almost" argue. But who cares about the development of the events anyways!
_"Noursine" Eliyas finally called my name after what seemed like forever.
I didn't answer.. I just focused on gazing and giving him an intimidated look.
He then added:
_"forgive me"