At around midnight I'm still not tired enough to sleep yet. I kick my tangled sheets off me and walk to my desk, flipping on the small lamp.
I pick up the envelope bursting with papers and forms given to me at the end of the camp. I pull out the letter from Bob explaining what I've won and feel my ego boost for a good two seconds before I remember I'm going to have to work for this man. I peer deeper into the envelope to see if there's anything I've missed, and to my surprise, there is.
I slip my hand in and take out a piece of paper folded into the shape of a small rectangle. I unfold the corners and reveal a small handwritten note. I read it over.
Whitney,
I hope this prize reached your expectations. I know if you had found out a month ago that being a trainer was the grand prize, you might have thrown up at the idea. I definitely wouldn't have blamed you, you gloriously lazy human.
But I think at this point, you'll say probably yes. Maybe I just can't imagine coming back to this camp next year and not having you there. My life would be a little empty without your wit.
I don't know when you'll read this, but I just want you to know right now that the world is a better place with you in it. Actually, scratch that. My world is a better place with you in it.
Don't forget that.
And I hope you don't forget me either.
- Axel
I couldn't count the number of times I read that note in the minutes afterwards. I force myself to put it away while my fingers gravitate to my messages app. I haven't talked to Axel since the day I left, the gray of his message seeming to pop in front of my eyes. I begin to type something before shutting my phone off altogether.
Tomorrow, I tell myself as I slip under the covers, prepared to sleep well, at last.
***
"Hey."
I turn around to look at the doorway of my room, seeing Poppy there with a smile on her face. She has on a pretty blue maxi dress resembling the color of the evening sky, making her seem taller than she already is.
"Oh hey, Poppy," I answer and walk over to her. "It feels like it's been ages since I've seen you."
"I was over visiting Levi's parents at their apartment in New York," she answers. "I brought him back for dinner tonight. Mom apparently made something really good."
I laugh a little, realizing I'm going to miss her cooking when I head off to college this fall. "I don't know if I've said this, but I'm really glad everything is working out between you and him."
She closes the door and leans against it. "It's a really nice feeling meeting someone and knowing he's the right one," she tells me. "I don't think it matters how big or fancy your wedding is or how great looking of a couple you are if you don't truly love that person and are ready...ready to spend the rest of your life with him."
I'm quiet for a moment, admiring her words. "That was a lot deeper than what I was expecting."
She chuckles. "I'm sorry, I sound all sappy, but I just want to give you some good advice. Anyway, Mom told me you got a dress, so can I see it?"
I nod and walk to my closet, pulling it out. I hold it up in front of my chest, striking a stupid pose, and her eyes widen.
"The color is gorgeous." She thumbs the material and then swats at the arm I've raised above my head like a failing model. "You're going to look stunning."
"Nah, you're going to definitely look better. Your dress made you look like a princess."
"A princess?" She winces slightly, as I know that's not the vibe she was going for.
I correct myself. "Oh right, a hippie, indie, free-spirited princess."
"That's better," she jokes, grabbing my arm and leading me downstairs to dinner. We're the last ones to sit at the table. Levi seems to already be engaged in some esoteric conversation with my mother, while my father blankly stares at him.
"Oh there you two are," Mom says, averting her gaze from Levi. "The food is about to get cold."
We begin to eat, and indistinct chatter runs between us. I don't say much, my eyes focused on my plate. I feel slight tension between my father and me, although I'm happy I was able to talk to him yesterday. At least our problems are now out in the open.
"So are you two prepared to go back to New York after spending this summer in the suburbs?" my mom asks as she cuts into a piece of her chicken. "You got the analyst position at that consulting firm, right, Poppy?"
Poppy looks up from her heaping plate, and her eyes turn into saucers. She takes a sip of wine to recover and swallows hard. "Actually, Mom, I'm going to be working at a nonprofit next year. I figure it'll a better use of my time before law school."
Apparently, none of us besides Levi knew this. Unlike my mom, my dad seems indifferent.
"But that was a very prestigious opportunity to pass up, Poppy," she says, staring my sister down behind her wine glass. "We didn't put you through Columbia for something you could've done anywhere else."
"Mom, as far as I can remember, Columbia was your dream for me," Poppy snaps, gripping her fork harder. "And I got there and went, even though I would've been fine any place else, but as far as I'm concerned what I do afterwards is my choice."
"But you talked about that college all throughout high school; it was all you wantedâ"
"It was all you wanted, Mom, but I was young and naïve and only wanted to make you happy, so that's why I tried to get in. Don't you realize that almost everything I've done is your dream and not mine?"
All of us have stopped eating, even Levi who tries to comfort Poppy by placing his hand on her arm. She shifts away, her gaze burning into my mother, who shifts uncomfortably in her chair on the other side of the dining table.
"What about being a lawyer, then? That's a dream of yours." Her tone is less confident now.
Poppy chuckles. "It really never was. That's the whole reason I got the job at the nonprofit."
My mom can't seem to find an answer for a few minutes, and I wonder if she's finally understood Poppy's side of this argument. Her reply doesn't quite convince me. "Okay, alright, I can get with that. But don't you see that I at least have a point with the wedding? You are still really young."
Poppy drops her palm against the table. "Okay, I am young, but I'm young, dumb and in love with the only man I'd ever want to be with. What's wrong with wanting to make our relationship official instead of dating for another ten years knowing we don't want to be with anyone else?"
"With all due respect, Mrs. Carmichael," Levi interjects, leaning slightly over the table. "I love your daughter, and I know how much getting married means to her. I promise to cherish her with all my heart, but I think this decision is really up to us."
There is a long period of silence, and I can tell someone is aching to speak. My mother finally breaks the quiet.
"I never truly realized I was wrong," she says, trying to remain collected. "I just always expected so much of you, and I maybe I never questionedâI never questioned what you wanted in life. You're not wrong, Poppy."
She looks up and nods, breathing out a small sigh. "This is something I want," she tells her. "I love you, Mom, but I need to start thinking for myself."
It looks like a weight has been lifted off her chest when she's finished saying all of that. I never noticed how much we were alike: we've been harboring so many hard feelings, although both of us knew that one day or the next we'd have to confront our feelings, and mostly importantly, our parents.
A happier spirit seems to settle the rest of dinner, and it makes me smile. My father and Levi take turns saying the funniest jokes they've ever heard. I decide to not participate in that conversation and pull out my buzzing phone from my jeans pocket.
I hide my hands under the table and open up my messages, letting a small breath escape.
I freeze for a moment and then type.
He doesn't answer me for the rest of the night.
***
The next day is one of those late afternoons where it feels like morning was forever ago, when in reality, I just did nothing all day.
Not that I particularly mind doing nothing at the moment when the couch is far too comfy to get up from.
I stretch out my arms with a yawn, hearing Poppy upstairs in her room laughing and conversing loudly with her friends over the phone. I reach my arm over to the coffee table and pick my own phone up, staring at the screen blankly for a moment.
Axel still hasn't answered me, even after I sent him another message this morning. I stopped after that out of fear of looking desperate, but on the inside, I really am desperate to know what his reply meant. With him, I don't ever know what to expect.
I flip through random TV channels, stopping at a rerun of an old sitcom. I watch it mindlessly with one hand resting against my cheek and my eyes focused on my phone sitting on the sofa pillow.
I get up from the couch a while later and stop by the kitchen to pull open the fridge. Before I reach my hand in to get something, I see a note scribbled in my father's swirly handwriting pinned to the door.
Mom and I will be gone the rest of the day just in case you were wondering. Take care. - Dad
I take a bowl of fruit salad from the fridge and am about to find a fork before I hear the doorbell ring. I put the bowl down and walk to the front door warily.
"Whitney go answer that! I think it might be a package or something!" Poppy shouts all the way up from her room. I oblige.
Hesitantly, I open the door and adjust my tousled hair. At first, I don't seem to be looking the right way because I find no one. And then with a glance upwards, a figure appears.
"Whitney," he says, and an indescribable rush of comfort runs through my body when I hear his voice.
"Axel."
Before I know it I've closed the door behind me and wrapped my arms around him, practically jumping into his arms. He lifts me up, and I stay like that with my face buried in his shoulder for what feels like ages, feeling his heart pound against my chest.
He's nervous.
"I didn't expect that to be your reaction," he says, letting me go onto the ground again.
"I didn't expect you would show up at my house," I answer, finally mentally questioning how he even got here.
"The address was on the application..."
"Right..." I back up slightly and clear my throat. "Very casual of you."
"I was trying to keep it a surprise, okay?" We begin to bicker like we've been dating for years before we realize how pointless that is. "Look, I really wanna talk to you, Whitney. I get it if you're still angry, but I, uh... I figured I owe you an explanation. I didn't say everything I wanted to that night."
"Just follow me," is all I tell him, using his favorite phrase on him for once. I lead him to the side of my house, where there's a small stone bench hidden between two cherry blossom trees. We sit down with an awkward distance between us. He lessens it by an inch.
"Look, I'm sorry for letting you leave that camp on such a bad note. My mindset from the beginning was wrong, and you definitely didn't deserve to be blamed for something you didn't even know about." He tilts his head towards me, and I notice his stubble has grown out a little in the past week. "But I think in some strange way, you've changed me."
"I have?"
He rests his folded hands under his chin and leans over his knees. "I've been a bitter person all my life; it's almost a personality trait by this point. I blamed a lot of my circumstances on everyone else after my dad died, because really, I was mad at the way life works. But I think you're the first person who's made me realize all my bitterness is never gonna get me anywhere. In reality, it's only going to ruin the things I care about."
"Like what?" My voice is much quieter now, my heart beating a little faster. His twinkling hazel eyes from the sun above us connect with my own.
"You, stupid," he jokes, and I turn my face away at the smile that appears on my lips. "You really grew on me those past five weeks, especially watching you change so much as a result of me. It felt like I finally did something good, for someone else. A person I don't want to let slip through my fingertips, especially when her house is only a forty-minute drive from the camp I work at." He grins playfully at that, and I roll my eyes, even though my stomach feels like it's going to explode.
"You really aren't the same," I say and notice there's an even smaller distance between us now. "And... I accept your apology. I think this summer has taught me a lot about forgiving people, but for you especially, I do get it. And I have something to tell you regarding that."
"What is it?"
I swallow a gulp, pressing my palms into my knees. "I talked to my dad. I told him about you and your father's past with him, and I need you to know my dad tried to save your father. He tried to save him that day, but it was too late, and he's lived with that guilt for the past ten years. Not just from the accident but about everything. I know if he could go back, he would have done everything differently." I look down and find Axel's hand on mine. I trail my eyes up to his face, and there's a sympathetic smile on his lips.
"Thank you," he breathes. "It means something to me." I nod back, squeezing his hand, and he looks off at the pine trees separating my yard from my neighbor's. "I actually visited my dad's grave yesterday morning. I haven't been back in God...maybe two or three years now, but I knew I had to do it. I sat there on the grass and just poured my heart out to him. After that, I felt like I had to come here." He wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye and nods to himself, breathing out a small sigh.
"Is there anything else you want to say?" I ask gently, noticing the way he opens and closes his mouth. He nods.
"I needed to come here and tell you I was sorry and then something else. Something that's going to make me sound kinda crazy for saying it after all that's happened, but I want to be with you, Whitneyâus to be together. Please tell me I'm not crazy because I'm feeling kind of embarrassed right now."
"Don't be embarrassed, because I couldn't stop thinking about you every moment we were apart."
"And I couldn't stop thinking about doing this." His hand slips onto my jaw, and he pulls my face towards his, connecting us at the mouth. He moves fervently, clasping both sides of my face and tilting my head back as we kiss deeper with the fiery feeling of hate turned into love. We let go and go back at it again multiple times until we rest our foreheads against each other's and breathe out slowlyâfinally satisfied.