When Veronica woke up, the first thing she registered was the raging headache. She blinked her eyes open, wincing at the pounding pain. Pushing herself up, she opened the drawer next to her bed and gulped down an asprin. She never remembered to hydrate. That was the issue. Closing her eyes, she rested her head against the wall. Breathing in and out, she stayed in that position until the pain dimmed.
Last night came back to her in unwanted flashes. She could still feel the tequila sliding down her throat. Veronica suppressed her gag reflex.
When it felt a bit easier, she opened her eyes again. Sunlight streamed through the curtains, washing everything in pale morning light. Pumpkin was asleep next to her, curled up, and so adorable.
Her gaze landed on the chair opposite her bed. More importantly, to the figure squeezed inside it. She could barely see Chan's face behind the blanket. She saw an inch of curly head peaking from underneath it. Her throat dried up. A wave of embarrassment washed over her. He had practically carried her home last night.
Getting up, she walked to the bathroom, stopping on her way to gaze at his sleeping figure. He was smushed in that chair. She had to physically stop herself from ruffling his hair.
Her body felt sluggish. As if she was dragging herself through water. She had to get rid of the terrible aftertaste in her mouth. Rinsing her teeth thoroughly, she washed her face multiple times to wake herself up.
Once she felt thirty percent decent, she stepped out and made herself a cup of coffee, careful not to wake Chan up. He couldn't have been comfortable in that chair. He didn't have to stay. She remembered asking him to leave last night. But couldn't remember his reply.
The first sip of coffee felt like coming up for air after being submerged underwater. Yesterday had been rough. After Cassie had picked her up, Veronica had tried her hardest to forget the whole encounter with her mother and Eddie. Her best friend could tell that something had happened, but she hadn't pushed Veronica for information.
Cassie had dropped her off, but not before making Veronica promise to celebrate her birthday the coming week. After that, Veronica had just lain in her bed. Thinking. And not trying to think. It was a vicious circle. The harder she tried not to think or remember, the more her brain toyed with her.
I didn't want you.
No matter how hard she tried, Veronica couldn't stop hearing her mother's voice. She had known all her life that her mothet had never wanted her. Her actions had been proof enough. But hearing her say this to her face. Veronica felt like she had swallowed glass. It was cutting her on the inside. Slowly making her bleed out.
Even now, leaning against her kitchen counter, she flinched, remembering her mother's words. She had tried drowning her sorrows in alcohol and had ended up embarrassing herself in front of Chan.
She half covered her face with her hands. How could she face him now? He had bailed her out on multiple occasions. She was unintentionally taking advantage of his kind nature. This had to stop. She had to create a line. A boundary. For her own sanity. Because Veronica didn't think she had it in her to bring herself closer to Chan. Not without obliterating herself in the process. For her own protection, she had to take a step back. She would talk to Diana. Tell her some lies about how Chan was still hung up on her. This charade had to end. Before it became too much for her.
Pumkin padded into the kitchen and meowed at Veronica. She lifted her up, plating sloppy kisses on her forehead. Chan must have woken up from their noise because a minute later, he appeared before her. His clothes were completely rumpled, his curls a mess. A surge of emotion rose up in her chest upon seeing him right after he had woken up. It felt intimate. She almost lost her grip on the coffee mug.
"Morning," he greeted her with a smile, his morning voice heavy.
"Morning," Veronica replied, placing her cup back down to steady herself. Now that he was standing in front of her, she felt even more conscious about last night. "Coffee?"
Chan shook his head, rubbing his eyes. "Can I get some tea instead?"
"Of course," Veronica rushed to the cabinet where she kept the tea bags, well aware of Chan's eyes on her. "You can freshen up. There's even an extra toothbrush in the cabinet, if you want."
"Thank you, I will be back."
The moment she felt him leave, Veronica sagged. She felt too exposed before his eyes. Too conscious of herself. She had to apologise about last night.
She brewed herself another cup of coffee as she waited for the water for Chan's tea to boil. Chewing on her lower lip, she wondered how she should start her apology. And what she should tell him when he asked what had happened last night. She was in no mood to talk about her mother. Or unpack all the stuff she had said. Veronica wanted to bury it so deep into her mind that she never had to think about it again.
Once the water had boiled, she poured it into a cup. She was so lost in her thought that she didn't hear Chan come up from behind her.
"Can I help?"
Veronica jumped and ended up pouring a bit of hot water on her thumb. She hissed, putting the kettle down.
Chan rushed forwad, grabbing her hand he immediately put it under cold water. "Shit, I am so sorry. Are you okay?"
It stung a bit, but Veronica could hardly feel the pain. Not when he was standing so close or holding her hand. Her senses were fried. It took her a second to regain her composure.
"Yeah," she replied, turning off the tap and taking a step back. "It's okay. And I should be the one apologizing."
Chan scrunched up his eyes, confused. "Why? What for?"
Veronica let out an awkward laugh. There was no way around the conversation. "You know, for last night. You had to drop me off. I am really sorry about that."
Chan waved her away. As if it was no big thing. "Why are you apologizing for that?"
Veronica leaned against the counter, grabbing onto it for support. "Because it's not your job to bail me out. Or look after me. Or worry about me. I-"
"I like worrying about you, Veronica," he cut in, not letting her finish her sentence.
She squirmed under his gaze, uncomfortable by the intensity of it. "You shouldn't say stuff like that."
"Like what?" He asked, taking a step forward.
"Chan, we," she started, trying to collect her thoughts. She didn't want to get swayed by his words. Especially when she knew what the future held. "You like Diana. We are doing this whole thing so you can get back together with her. If you keep saying stuff like this, if you keep helping me out, it's going to be so much harder for me when.." she trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.
"When what?" Chan asked, his voice thick.
Veronica pushed her hair back, forcing herself to form the words. Confronting the inevitability of their fate. "When we are not in each other's lives anymore."
She let the words float between them. Settling over all the moments they had shared in the past. She watched Chan absorb them. He looked like she had hit him.
"Is that what you think will happen?" His voice was barely above a whisper.
Veronica turned away. She was too hungover for this conversation. Too hollowed out by everything. She didn't have any strength left in her.
"Will it not?" She replied. "Don't you see who I am? Are you not tired of my mess? Do you not know how embarrassing it is for me to look you in the eyes after- Did I throw up last night?" Veronica had a sudden flashback of the linoleum tiles. They way the dug into her knees. And Chan holding back her hair.
Surprised by the sudden change in the flow of conversation, Chan's eyes widened. "Yeah, a bit. But that's okay."
Veronica buried her face in her hands, officially too embarrassed to face him. She felt Chan come up to her. The presence of him had become all too familiar. He grabbed her hands, pushing them away from her face.
He was standing too close. Veronica felt her breath hitch. She couldn't form a single thought. Not when he was looking right at her.
"Why are you still here?" Veronica murmurred in the aur between them. "Why are you not leaving."
It didn't make any sense to her. All her life people had walked out on her. That was what she expected. Something she was prepared for.
"Why do you keep asking me to leave?" Chan was still holding on to her. His thumbs running circles on her palm. His eyes were peering at her. His gaze occasionally dropping to her lips. Veronica gulped. There was barely any space between them. The closeness addled her brain. It was loosening all walls of defense she had built around her.
"Because," Veronica said, grabbing onto the last remains of sanity she had left. "Sooner or later, you are going to realize that this is too much for you. That I am too much for you."
Chan opened his mouth to say something, but Veronica didn't let him. She couldn't let him muddle her thoughts anymore. She was scared of how intensely he was making her feel. The safety she felt around him.
"None of this matters anyways," she hardened her voice, trying to believe her own stoicness. "We are pretending. Aren't we? Once this is all over, you'll go back to Diana and I-"
"But I don't want to."
Veronica stopped breathing. Trying to absorb what he had just said. The meaning behind it.
"What do you mean?"
Chan laced their fingers together and bit his lip as he looked at her. "I don't want to go back. To Diana."
Veronica blinked. A little unsteady on her feet. She wanted to sit down. But her legs refused to move. "So, we stop this? Do you want to break up?"
Break up? They were never together in the first place. All of this had been fake. And yet, the pain in her chest felt too real.
Chan shook his head. "No, I don't want to break up."
Veronica stepped around him, creating some much needed space between them. She rubbed her face gently, trying to take in deep breaths. "What are you saying? Why would you still want to continue this?"
"Isn't it obvious, Veronica," Chan said, a knowing smile on his face. "Because I like you."
When she didn't say anything in response, Chan took a tentative step towards her. As if she were a cat, and he was scared that she would bolt.
"I like you, Veronica. My life might be a mess right now, but it is the one thing I know to be certain."
Veronica gulped, overwhelmed. Her throat felt dry. It didn't make any sense. She could hear Chan, but his words refused to register in her brain. "You.. What?"
He smiled then. And it lit up his whole face. Veronica felt her heart sinch in her chest. "I know, this whole thing between us started as a deal." He gulped, running his hand through his hair nervously. "I think I just wanted to show Diana that if she had given me enough time, I could've gotten better. That things could've gone back to the way they were. But now I know it's not true."
He stepped closer, and Veronica was glued to her spot. "But the more time I spent with you, the more I started liking who I was. And the more I started to forget that we were pretending. Because deep inside, I wanted it to be real so bad."
There was barely any space between them. His hot breath fanned her face, and Veronica closed her eyes as he pushed a strand of hair behind her ears.
She took in a shakey breath. Her whole world had gotten off kilter. "You," she breathed, barely capable of forming words. "You don't know what you are saying. Chan, look at me. You are saying, you like this? You liked driving my drunk ass home last night? You liked bailing my mother out of jail? You-"
"I am looking at you, Veronica," he said, his lips so close to hers. "And I want every inch of this."
Neither of them moved. The time stretched and wrapped itself around them. Veronica watched his eyes drinking her face in. Her lips parted on their own accord. The world stopped spinning. She didn't remember who reached for the other first. But when Chan's lips met hers, Veronica knew she was done for. She knew in that moment that no other kiss, no one else could ever compare to this. To him.
Chan kissed the way she expected him to. Like he was worshipping her. His hands grabbed her waist, pushing their bodies together. Veronica reached out and cupped his jaw gently and bit on his lower lip. The sound he let out in return made her smile. He moved their bodies together until her back collided with the kitchen counter.
In one swift motion, he lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his torso, settling on the counter and pushing his body between her legs. She knew they both needed to come up for air. But she couldn't. She couldn't stop kissing him. She loved the way his hands traveled on her. The urgency and gentleness of his touch. When they finally did break apart, they didn't move away. Just stayed there, their foreheads touching and breaths coming out in sharp exhales.
"Can I kiss you again?" Chan asked. The want in his voice almost made her smile. "Please?"
Veronica looked at him then. This boy who cared so deeply. Who loved in a way that could uproot the world. Who was asking her to kiss him again as if her lips held the nectar of the world. She didn't reply, just leaned in and captured his lips with hers.