How had I let Kim and Eric talk me into this? Kim and I had gone to college together, freshman roommates in fact. She was pretty much the only person from college I kept in touch with. She was still my best friend in the city, maybe in the world. And Eric was her husband, they'd met junior year. I hadn't liked him much at first, but he'd grown on me. All of that was to say that they'd both known me for around 15 years. They knew I'd been more relieved than anything when I'd decided to give up on dating six months ago. Kim, and I suppose Eric, had heard all of my horror stories about deadbeat boyfriends and awful dates.
Yet here I was, sitting in a booth waiting for some guy named "Riley" from Eric's office to show up. I had resisted this date for three solid weeks. I remember the first time it came up, Kim and I were sitting on the couch at her place, Eric wasn't yet home from the office.
"So, what are you doing this weekend?" She'd asked and I'd snorted.
"Working, were you under the impression I get weekends?" I asked. I worked around 70 hours a week, usually ten hours a day, every day.
"It is supposed to be nice out this week, you should take a day off, relax," Kim had said. She kept her eyes on the television, but I saw her look at me out of the corner of her field of vision, gauging me.
"I don't have the time," I said. Now it was Kim's turn to snort.
"You've been at that office since you graduated from business school and you've never taken a day off. You must have a solid month of personal leave and a month of sick leave all saved up," she said. Actually, it was a lot more than that. But I liked to be busy and liked to work. Besides, what did she care if I didn't take my sick days?
"Yeah well, there is a lot to do this week. They really can't be without me this weekend," I said in a voice that indicated I didn't want to talk about this.
"So said every office drone ever!" Kim shot back. I turned and looked at her now and she turned too.
"What?" I asked.
"What what?" she asked.
"Why do you want me out of the office on Saturday? This isn't another ill-fated surprise birthday party is it?" I asked, referring to a notorious event ten years earlier in which no one except for Eric had showed up for my surprise party. Not even me. Everyone stuck in traffic. Kim laughed, probably remembering that day.
"No, it isn't even your birthday for a month."
"That's what makes it a surprise," I replied.
"No," Kim said, getting a little more serious now, "In all honesty, Eric said there is someone at his office who he thinks would be absolutely perfect for you and..."
"No, thank you, but no," I'd said.
"Come on," Kim said, inching closer to me on the couch, "Consider it a favor to Eric."
"Eric owes me six favors already remember? Three trips to the airport, babysitting your son twice, and babysitting your dog once," I noted.
"Then as a favor to me, he said this person would be perfect for you. It could be fun," she said.
"No," I'd said again.
"Come on, just hear me out," she'd pleaded. I found it sort of off putting and I decided to put an end to it.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, loudly and rudely and then I turned back to the television and made it very clear that the conversation was over. And with that she'd dropped it. But every night for the next two weeks when I saw her, or spoke with her on the phone, she'd gently broached the subject again. She'd be quiet about it whenever I told her to drop it, but she'd always find a way to bring it back up again. She was really driving me insane.
It was about two weeks to the day that I'd finally caved, but not without a fight. We were sitting on the couch again, but both of us were drinking coffee and just chitchatting about our days. Suddenly, Kim became quiet. It was clear she wasn't listening to what I was saying anymore. It looked like she was summoning her strength for something. Kim took a deep breath and let out a sigh.
"Ash," she said and I looked over at her, she refused to make eye contact, "You know that I love you and I am always going to love you," she said. I felt my heart quicken. My mouth went dry and my palms got wet. I was nervous. This sounded like the start of a bad conversation. What was she going to say?
"What? Is something wrong?"
"I am worried about you," she said finally, "And I can't sit by and let this happen anymore. I love you and want you to do what makes you happy, but I can't sit by while you choose to be miserable," she explained. I felt like I'd been slapped. I had not expected that. I put my hands up and shook my head.
"I am happy Kim, really. Happier than I ever was when I was dating," I explained, feeling defensive. Kim had never questioned my life choices before, just like I didn't question hers. If she wanted to marry and have a boatload of kids, more power to her. If I wanted to be alone and focus on my work, that was my choice.
"Ash I know you. You are not happy. You haven't been happy in a long time," she said. I could see tears in the corner of her eye and I felt my defensiveness fade. Even if she was wrong (and I told myself that she was totally, TOTALLY wrong), she at least was being sincere.
"I am happier than when I was with Todd," I said, referring to my most recent serious boyfriend (and the last person I'd slept with).
"Well yeah, that isn't saying much," Kim said, "I think that you always date...the wrong kind of people...and are miserable, that you think the absence of misery is happiness." Now she looked up, her eyes slightly red. I felt a pang, Kim had touched on something. I felt a shiver.
"I am good," I said, my voice sounding small and cracking.
"Ash, how often do we see each other? How often do we talk?" she asked suddenly seeming to change the subject.
"Every day I guess," I said sheepishly and she nodded.
"At least once, usually two or three times a day. You are here almost every single day, even if we talk on the phone twice while you're at work," she said.
"We are best friends; that's what best friends do," I said, wondering what she was getting at.
"We are not best friends," she said and I felt the wind come out of me. Not best friends? What the hell did that mean? One minute we were talking about some stupid blind date and the next we were talking about...what? Not being friends.
"We..." I started, feeling sluggish and off-kilter, but Kim put her hand up.
"I am your best friend. And you are my best female friend, the person I go to when I need someone outside of my marriage to talk to. You were the maid of honor at my wedding. We have a very special bond and I recognize that. We had it when we first met. We will always have that. But Eric is my best friend," she said, and I her words came out choked, like it was hurting her to say this. I felt my cheeks getting red, embarrassed and angry at myself. I hadn't expected that.
"I never meant to like...insert myself into your marriage; I wasn't trying to be a third wheel or something..." I stumbled. I felt myself crying now. I felt so stupid. All this time, Eric and Kim were resenting me, wishing I would go away. And there I was, oblivious to how annoying and intrusive I was.
"Oh please Ash, you know that isn't what I mean," Kim said, actually sounding angry at me, "I love you and Eric loves you. We like that you are around all the time, we like that Steven has an 'aunt' who is with him all the time. Don't be stupid. I am not telling you to butt out or something, it isn't about that." Now I was more confused than ever.
"Then what are you saying?"
"I am saying...I am saying that you need something more in your life that what you have," she said. She reached forward on the couch and grabbed my hands. She looked deeply into my eyes. I was so confused and still embarrassed but I found comfort in my friend's touch. I could feel her affection for me and see love in her eyes, "I am not talking about my needs or my...whatever. I am not talking about me. You. I can tell, and Eric can tell, that you are not happy. You are not miserable anymore, but you aren't happy. You are grasping for something here, with me, that my family and I just cannot provide for you. You need intimacy, and I don't mean sex. You need... you need more than I can give you as your best friend. You need to love someone and be loved by someone on a level that you don't have. You need what I have with Eric."
I felt myself getting angry again. Of course I'd compared my life to Kim and Eric's life together in the past and found it...less fulfilling by comparison. And yes I wanted something that they had, but it wasn't Kim's place to tell me that. It wasn't her place to rub it into my face that I was less complete than she was. I resented it and I stood up quickly to leave her house.
"Ash..."
"I am not some pathetic loser..."
"Ash, honey that isn't what I am..."
"I don't need what you have, just because what you have makes you happy, doesn't mean that everyone wants it or needs it..."
"I am sorry," she said suddenly, "I said it all wrong. I know that. Trust me, I definitely wasn't trying to say anything more than...please stop and listen." I had been moving towards her door but I stopped.
"Okay," I said coldly, deciding to give her one last chance.
"I am not saying that I have the key to happiness and you just need to follow my example and you will get it. I am saying that...I think you want a romantic relationship whether you know it or not. I think you want something that you don't even know that you want and cannot understand. In the same way you knew I was pregnant before I did, before the test knew, because you know me so well. I know this because I love you. I am saying this for the sake of that connection; I want you to trust me. And if you go on this date and you feel less happy with this person from Eric's work than you do here with us, then you come back and we forget I ever said anything. I will admit I was wrong, and that will end it. But do me this favor."
I looked at Kim on the couch. She was leaning towards me, her face was absolutely earnest. While I knew she was wrong about me, I also knew that she thought she was looking out for me. I felt my anger fall, replaced by a little bit of embarrassment, but also a potent love for my friend. She always looked out for me, how could I need anything more in my life? But I knew she was hurting. Hurting for me, even if she had no business doing so. I was touched. And I wanted to stop her suffering.
"One date?" I asked.
"Only have to commit to one," she said, her face relaxing, she knew I was in.
"Okay," I mumbled and she smiled widely, making me smile in return.
"Thank you," she said, "But trust me, in a couple of days, you'll be thanking me."
"I doubt it," I'd said.