Chapter 34: The Devil’s Reward: Chapter 33

“Mom, when are we going to see Shadow again?” Macy asks sleepily as I tuck her in. I’m surprised she lasted this long after such a busy, fun-filled day. I imagine she’ll sleep like the dead tonight and into tomorrow.

“I don’t know, honey,” I say softly, brushing my hand over her hair. “Do you want to see him again?”

“Yeah,” she whispers. “He’s nice.” Her lids start to droop. “I don’t know my Daddy, but I’m okay if I have a new one,” she murmurs, making me freeze. Then she’s out, and I’m standing here, dumbfounded.

Such innocent words from a child, but so heavy. I lean down and brush a light kiss over her forehead, then move out of the room, shutting the door behind me quietly. I walk down the stairs and take a deep breath. I should call my mother and sister, who have already sent me all kinds of messages asking how the date went, but I don’t feel like answering. Not yet.

I sit on the couch and stare blankly at the TV that is quietly playing some cooking show. My heart is confused, but at the same time, hopeful. I had a good time with Shadow tonight, and even with all the interruptions, he didn’t throw a fit. He was annoyed, sure, but he never took it out on me or Macy. In fact, he was far better with Macy than I could have ever hoped. Answering every question as much as he could, and instinctively knowing when to pass them to me.

I couldn’t have asked for a better date with a man I know so little about. Still, my mind is warning me not to jump the gun. One date doesn’t mean forever. The real test will come when Macy is throwing the mother of all tantrums, screaming and yelling when she doesn’t get her way, or when she’s overtired and cranky as hell. The good days are fine, but the true test is the bad ones.

But how can he see those if we don’t see each other?

I can’t lie that I’m disappointed he hasn’t messaged me yet, but I know he’s a busy man, so he could just be working or something.

My phone buzzes and I see it’s a text from the family group chat. I don’t look at it. I need to figure out what I want first before I start bringing them into it. I don’t need more pressure.

A sharp knock on the door startles me, and I let out a soft gasp at the sound. I get up carefully and peek out the curtain, then freeze when I see the man standing there. Then I rush to unlock and open the door, stilling when I get a good look at him. “Shadow?” I whisper, unsure. The look in his eyes is dark and heavy, so full of emotions that I can’t name them all, but I can feel them rolling off of him. His face is hard, cold, but I’m not afraid of him. I don’t ask him anything, I just step back and wave him inside.

“I shouldn’t be here,” he rasps out, stopping just inside the door as I shut it.

“Why?” I ask carefully.

He doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Because I’m so fucking angry I’m going to explode,” he finally answers as he looks at me. I don’t react to his words. “I’m only going to hurt you if I stay.”

“You won’t hurt me,” I say confidently. “You’re not the kind of man to hurt a woman, Shadow.”

He doesn’t answer for a moment. Finally he gives a curt nod. “I won’t hurt you that way, Quinn, but you’re so damn good, so soft and giving, that you don’t need my shit in your life. You don’t need a man who’s so screwed up he could break your heart because he’s living in the past.”

I cock my head slightly. Being a social worker, you learn how to read people, and whatever is going on with Shadow is some pretty heavy stuff. Heavy stuff he’s been carrying around for a while, and something has brought it all to the surface. “Shadow, how about you let me worry about my heart, okay?” I suggest gently. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

He turns away from me and steps further into the house. He goes to the back door and looks out. “After we left the restaurant, there was an accident,” he says calmly, and my heart drops, dread spreading through me. “No, not an accident. We were run off the road. The son of a bitch hit Bullet’s bike first, sending him flying. Then he went after the SUV carrying the women and the Prospect driving them. Hit them hard a couple of times. Enough that it rolled. Multiple times.”

“Oh my God,” I gasp, my hands going to my mouth in horror.

Slowly, he turns to look at me. The prominent emotion in his eyes now is fury. “Then he took off, left them to die. Unfortunately for him, he missed King, Torque and I. Torque stayed with Bullet and called 9-1-1. King and I went to get the women and the Prospect out of the car. We barely got them out before it exploded.”

“Oh, Shadow,” I whisper, stepping towards him. “Are you alright?” I don’t touch him as I reach him, because I know that he doesn’t want me to. I can see it on his face. Still, I offer him silent support. Quiet comfort.

“I made it out with scratches, bruises, and, some burnt threads on my cut,” he grits out, his jaw tight and as hard as granite. “Bullet, Rose, and Sage are still all on the table, doctors trying to keep them alive. Izzy and the Prospect are in medically induced comas but they’ll live.” His jaw flexes, and I see him swallow hard.

This time I step into him. I still don’t touch him, but I hold his gaze. “It’s not your fault, Shadow,” I whisper. I can see the demons swirling in his eyes as he stares at me. “You saved them. You just told me that yourself. And if you were on your motorcycle, you couldn’t stop a bigger vehicle than you.”

“I shot at it and missed the tires,” he snaps at me, voice harsh. “I fucking missed, Quinn. If I hadn’t, maybe the rollover wouldn’t have happened because that son of bitch would have lost control and been the one in that field. And I would have left him there. I would have left him there to bleed out, and die.”

“I don’t believe you would have,” I return evenly, refusing to back away. “Wanting revenge does not make you a bad man, Shadow.”

He gives a humorless laugh. “Quinn, you know nothing. You think I’m a good guy. Do you know what I did after I lost my team? I went to get the hostages we had been sent in to retrieve, and then when I found them, I killed every last one of the men holding them. Not because they were holding those people. Because they killed my team. I killed them painfully, so that I was covered in their blood.” He leans forward, face close to mine. “I found the man who killed the last member of my team. He survived the firefight, but he didn’t survive me. No, I took the most pleasure in his death because I had a known target. Him, him I killed in the most creative way I could think of. I am a killer, Quinn, and I think it’s time you realized that.”

I’m silently grateful that he spared me the gory details, but I realize something very quickly. Shadow is trying to push me away. Trying to hurt me into making me force him to leave. I also realize that I have a choice. Do I do it? Or do I step out on the limb and pull him back from the edge he’s teetering on? I know all the signs of a man barely holding on, and I don’t need to be a shrink to know that his PTSD is rearing its ugly head.

I take a deep breath and tell him calmly, evenly, “You think you’re going to push me away by telling me that, Shadow? That calling yourself a killer for taking out an enemy, one who deserved it, will make me hate you? Well, it won’t. You want to know what I see? I see a man who will do anything to protect the people he cares about. Do you really think a bad man would go into a vehicle he knew was going to explode, to save people? Would a bad man endanger himself that way?

“Quinn—”

“Don’t interrupt me,” I snap at him, putting my finger to his chest, needing him to understand how serious I am right now. “No, Shadow, no bad man does that. Nor does a bad man sit at a restaurant full of noisy and annoying children for a date. He doesn’t smile and laugh with a nosy five-year-old, and he certainly doesn’t come to someone’s home late at night because they were nervous about the burglary down the road.”

“That’s my job,” he growls.

“If it was your job, you would have waited until the morning,” I correct with narrowed eyes. “You are not a bad man, Shadow, and from what I can see, Rose, Bullet, and Sage are lucky to have you. Without you, King and Torque, none of them would be here.” I say pointedly, harshly. “They would be gone, Shadow. And they are not.” I take a deep breath. “They are not your team, Shadow. But you didn’t fail them, and you haven’t failed Rose, Sage, or Bullet.”

The words are like a slap, and he straightens. His lips thin, and he steps around me towards the door. I don’t stop him. I just wait. When he reaches the door, he stops and drops his head forward, shoulders sagging. “I thought I lost them,” he says quietly, his voice ripe with emotion, with an unshed grief and guilt that I can tell is eating him alive. “When I pulled Rose from that car, I could smell the gas, the smoke, and I was terrified that bullets would start flying soon. I started having a flashback and I almost froze, and Rose would have paid the price.”

“But you didn’t,” I remind him. “By your own words, you got her out of that car, which means you saved her. If you had frozen, Shadow, she would be dead, and so would you.” I step towards him. “What do you need from me, Shadow? Why did you come here tonight?”

He presses his face to the door, his hand fisting on the knob. “I don’t know,” he murmurs. “I don’t know why I came here, Quinn. I never should have dragged you into this.”

“I’m glad you did.” I swallow hard. “I had my family when Bobby died, but it wasn’t the same. They couldn’t understand the pain. But I understand some of your pain, Shadow. Nowhere near as much as I wish I could, but enough to know that when you’re hurting, you search for someone, something to help. To ground you and give you direction. Give you the strength to keep going. If that’s who I am for you, then I’m grateful, because I’ll help you no matter what.”

Slowly he turns and looks at me. “I don’t deserve you, Quinn,” he whispers. “You’ve been through enough. My baggage shouldn’t burden you. Or that sweet little girl that relies on you. You’re warm, sweet, kind. I don’t ever want to taint that.”

“If you think I’m warm, sweet, and kind, you’ve never seen me in the morning without my coffee,” I tell him with a slight smile. “Shadow, you make it sound like I’m perfect, and I am far from it.”

“Far closer to it than me.”

I shake my head. “I haven’t been to war and come out the other side. I bet if I had been, I would feel much different. Sound much different. So what do you need from me? Tonight? Because we can’t predict tomorrow, but we can figure out tonight.”

He stares at me. “I need you,” he finally rasps out. “I need you, Quinn. I need soft, I need your light in the darkness, to remind me there is the sun on the other side.”

I hold out my hand to him. “Then come with me,” I say gently. “Let me take some of the pain.”

He looks at my hand, but doesn’t take it. “I don’t think I should stay here,” he says carefully.

I arch a brow at him. “Why?” I ask, trying not to be hurt by his reluctance.

“What about Macy?”

My heart melts a little bit that he’s so concerned about her. “She’s fast asleep, and she’s a heavy sleeper. She won’t wake up until tomorrow. She’s had a very busy day.”

Still he hesitates. “Quinn, I don’t think I can lie in that bed with you and go to sleep,” he says finally. “I’m too keyed up.”

I feel the blush on my face at what he’s implying, and I swallow hard. I look at him and I realize I am moving very fast. Inviting a man I barely know up to my bed with my daughter sleeping down the hall. But looking at Shadow, I know I won’t turn him away. I can’t. Finally I tell him, “I can’t make you any promises, Shadow, but I’d rather you turn to me than go out and do something stupid and reckless. I’m asking you to trust me, just as much as I’m trusting you. With my daughter, with my heart, and with my body.”

He stares at me a moment longer before he comes to a decision. He slowly reaches out and takes my hand, fingers entwining with mine. I grip his tightly, and then I turn off the lights and guide him up the stairs.

When I pull him into my bedroom, I shut the door behind us, and I lean back against it. I don’t move as he walks to the side of the bed, sitting down and taking off his boots. His movements are deliberate, slow, and careful. Like he’s sure I’m going to change my mind. But I won’t. I don’t know if sex is what I want tonight, but I want to make Shadow feel better, and there are other ways to do that.

When he takes off his cut and carefully sets it on the chair in the corner, I move away from the door to the other side of the bed. I’m already in my pjs and I climb under the sheets without a word, watching him carefully. He pulls off his shirt, and my breath catches in my throat at the gorgeous sight of him.

Ink covers his back, a large scene of a graveyard with stone grave markers, a pair of combat boots, and a set of dog tags inscribed with names. I don’t need to guess who they belong to. The scene is gray, dark, with ravens at the top, and a large tree shading the stones. But it’s the dove in the sky above that draws my gaze. It’s looking out at the stones, at whoever might look at the piece, watching. Almost like it’s watching over them. The people he’s lost. A lump forms in my throat. It’s haunting and beautiful.

Just like Shadow.

When he turns, I see he has more ink on his front. In the middle of his chest is the Grim Reaper, and on his right shoulder is an image of a ghost. The others I can’t quite make out, but that might be because his hands are going to his belt, and I’m distracted. He’s watching me, eyes unreadable. I lick my lips nervously, but I bring my eyes up hold his gaze. I won’t be afraid, and I won’t let him think that he’s forcing me into this.

When he steps out of his jeans, I see the black of his boxers and the thickness of his thighs before he carefully pulls back the covers and slides in. The bed dips slightly under his weight, and I reach over to turn out the light. My heart is pounding in my chest as I settle back down into the bed, barely making a sound when he reaches out for me, hauling me in tight, and holding me close.

I relax against him, turning into him fully, laying my head in the crook of his shoulder and wrapping my arm around his waist. He buries his face in my hair and I hear him sigh softly. He doesn’t relax, but some of the tension in him eases.

I don’t know how long we lay there, neither of us speaking, just holding each other. Shadow’s breathing is even and steady, but his heart kicks every so often, telling me that his mind isn’t even or steady. I gently brush my fingers over his back, over the heated skin, and I nuzzle into him. In response, his arms tighten around me.

His arm shifts, and buries his hand in my hair. Slowly, he weaves his fingers through the long strands, and tilts my head back enough to look into my eyes. “You’re too good for me, Quinn,” he whispers. I don’t say anything, just look at him.”But I can’t let you go.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to,” I murmur back.

“Even if it’s not the right decision?”

“Who says it’s not the right decision?” I return gently.

He’s quiet for a long time. Then he finally whispers, “You know what bothers me so much? What would have happened if he decided to go after you instead? I wouldn’t have been there to save you. To help you get out of the crash. I’d have been blissfully unaware, and I know if you or Macy had been hurt, I would have lost it.”

My heart pounds at the thought, but I force myself to be calm. I need to be calm for Shadow. “It didn’t happen,” I soothe. “We’re here and we’re safe. It would be better if no one had been hurt, but we can’t live with what-ifs. We’ve done that, you and I, in the past with everything that happened to us individually, and it never does any good. What if I had been a better wife to Bobby? Would he have loved Macy the way a father should have? Would he have so easily betrayed his country? I can’t answer those questions. But I don’t need to either.You can’t live in the past, Shadow, or it’s going to eat you alive.”

He’s quiet, absorbing my words. “You’re awfully wise,” he mutters. I give a soft chuckle. “Thank you, Quinn,” he adds softly, holding my gaze. “You have no idea how much I need this. Need .”

I hold his gaze and I realize something quickly. I could fall in love with this man. I barely know anything about him. I’ve met his friends. I’ve seen him with my daughter. I’ve seen him angry, broken, and scared, and I want to make it better. I want to be the one to comfort him when he needs it. To be the shoulder supports the weight of whatever he’s carrying. It frightens me, but it also excites me. I never felt this way with Bobby, or my first boyfriend. It was exciting, but it wasn’t consuming. Not like this. Not with Shadow.

Maybe a broken heart knows another one when they see it, but I know one thing. Shadow belongs in this bed with me, and it’s my turn to protect him from the shadows and demons of his past. Because something tells me that he would fight all of mine for me.

So I don’t answer him with words. Instead, I lean forward and press my mouth to his, letting him feel them instead.