Chapter 22: Bound By Hatred: Chapter 21

I stared out of the window of my hotel room. It was dinner time but I wasn’t hungry. I hadn’t left the room since I’d checked in this morning. Did freedom always feel this lonely?

My phone beeped with a message. It was from Aria.

Matteo broke down again. He’s unconscious.

I called her immediately, my heart hammering in my chest. She picked up after the first ring. “Where is he?” I asked.

“At our place. He’s in the guest bedroom. The doc says he needs to stay in bed. He overexerted himself too soon after the crash.”

“I’m coming over.”

“You are?” Aria asked in a hopeful voice.

“Yes. Tell Luca he should get used to my presence again.”

I could practically hear Aria smiling. “I knew it.” She paused. “I’ll send Sandro over.”

“No, I’m taking a cab. I’ll be there soon.”

When I arrived in the apartment, Luca barred my way. “What is she doing here?”

“I want to see Matteo,” I said. And I didn’t care if I had to knock out Luca to do it.

Luca glared. “Get the fuck away.”

“Luca, please,” Aria whispered.

I tried to walk past Luca but he didn’t let me. “Let me see my husband.”

“Matteo can’t use the emotional stress right now. You leaving and then returning won’t help with his recovery,” Luca growled. I had a feeling his words would have been much worse if Aria weren’t standing beside him. “If you stay now, you’ll stay for good. I’m done with your games.”

“I’m not leaving again.”

Luca sent me a doubtful look but he stepped back. I didn’t hesitate. I rushed toward the guest bedroom and stormed inside. Matteo was asleep. I lay down beside him, determined to keep watch over him until he opened his eyes.

A soft hand held onto mine. I opened my eyes, blinking a few times to clear my vision. I felt like a total wimp for having passed out. Fuck. I’d been shot and stabbed and even burnt before, and a stupid hit to the head brought me down to my knees. It was a disgrace. I turned my head. Gianna was curled up beside me, her hand clutching mine. Her clothes were wrinkly and her hair a complete mess as if she’d been at my side for a while.

Her face was mostly covered by her unruly hair. I felt the irresistible urge to see her expression. Slowly, carefully I sat up and brushed a few strands away with my free hand. Gianna looked like a fucking angel in sleep. Too beautiful to be real. Her thick lashes rested on her pale skin. I trailed a fingertip over her high cheekbone, enjoying the softness of her skin. Her eyes fluttered beneath her lids and then they peeled open. She blinked sleepily until her gaze finally focused on me.

I waited for her to let go of my hand and jump off the bed like it had caught fire. At the very least I expected some ridiculous excuse for why she was here, holding my hand. I doubted Luca had dragged her back. He knew I didn’t want him to.

She didn’t do any of those things however. Instead she sat up slowly, blinking away sleep and rubbing her eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding mine. She searched the room for something. “What time is it?”

I had no fucking clue. I wasn’t even sure what day it was. “You are asking me?”

She laughed once, then her expression tightened. “You scared me.”

“I did? I suppose I’m a scary guy.”

Gianna didn’t smile. She was looking at me with an expression I’d never seen on her face, vulnerable and open. “I should have never agreed to Luca’s offer. I was being stubborn. I didn’t want to admit my feelings to myself. But when Aria called to tell me you’d broken down again, I was terrified that I’d lose you.” She paused, her fingers on my hand tightening. I didn’t say anything, wasn’t sure what to say. My general solution in emotional situations was humor but it felt wrong to make a joke and I didn’t want to stop Gianna from saying whatever else she had to say.

She stared off toward the window, guilt marring her beautiful face. “All I could think about when I wasn’t at your side after you’d broken down was ‘what if you die and all I’ve ever done was treat you badly and push you away’. I’ve been acting like a major bitch. I’m sorry.”

I touched her cheek and moved closer. “You don’t need to apologize for anything, Gianna. I actually enjoyed most of our arguments. They added entertainment to my days.” I grinned and this time I got a smile in return.

“You should be pissed, Matteo. You know what Luca offered me in exchange for saving your life and that I agreed. Why aren’t you sending me away? I would deserve it.”

I shrugged. I didn’t like the idea that Gianna had eagerly accepted Luca’s offer, but she was here now. It had taken a while but eventually I’d realized that Gianna had to come to me on her own. Gianna would never let anyone force her to admit her feelings. I touched the back of her head and pulled her toward me. She didn’t resist and when her mouth touched mine, she wrapped her arms around my neck and deepened our kiss. My hand found its way under her shirt, feeling the soft skin of her stomach and moving higher.

Gianna stopped my hand’s exploration. “You need to rest. You passed out yesterday. I won’t let you overexert yourself again.”

I chuckled. “Come on. If you ride me, I won’t have to exert myself at all. You’ll do all the work.”

“Yeah, right,” she said. “No way am I going to risk your recovery. Luca would be so pissed if I did something stupid. He hates me anyway. I don’t want to give him another reason to keep me away from you.”

“Luca wouldn’t stop you from seeing me.”

She raised her eyebrows. “He tried to stop me from coming here yesterday.”

“Why the fuck did he do that?” Annoyance shot through me. Luca always had to play the Capo and order people around.

“I suppose he was worried about you,” Gianna admitted grudgingly. There was no love lost between my brother and her, so I was surprised by her admittance. “He didn’t want me to play with you. He thought it was better if there was a clean cut between us and I left your life for good.”

“So what made him change his mind?” I asked.

“Aria, I suppose.”

“Of course,” I said, though I’d hoped for another reason. I leaned back against the headboard, ignoring the slight twinge in my head at the movement. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to look fucking relaxed when I was anything but. “I’m fine now. I won’t die. You could leave now without feeling guilty.”

Gianna looked at me for a long time without saying anything. “I don’t want to leave.”

“You agreed to Luca’s offer, you said it yourself.”

“I did, because Luca took me by surprise with it. You were dying right in front of me. We’d barely survived a crash and the crazy Russians, and suddenly I was offered something I’d thought I wanted. I didn’t even really think before I said yes.”

I nodded, but didn’t say anything. I was tired of making the first move, of always pursuing Gianna. This time I wanted to hear something from her.

She sighed, her blue eyes tired. “You think I would have let you die if Luca hadn’t offered me a ticket to freedom, don’t you? That’s what everyone thinks, probably even Aria.”

I kept my expression neutral. “Isn’t it the truth?”

She glared. “No, it’s not the truth. When Luca mentioned his stupid offer, I had already started chest compressions. I didn’t know what I was doing and probably made every mistake possible, but I wasn’t just letting you die. I was doing everything I could even before Luca offered me freedom for your life. I would have never let you die, never. I know you don’t have to believe me. There’s no reason why you should. I could be lying for all you know.”

But I did believe her. I knew how to read people and Gianna wasn’t lying. I could tell how upset she was, more upset than I’d seen her in a long time. “I don’t think you do.”

Gianna didn’t even seem to hear me. She was scowling in the direction of the window, her cheeks flushed with emotions. “I knew the moment I saw you lying in your own blood that I didn’t want to lose you. I knew it, but I still didn’t want to admit it to anyone. I was so stupid and stubborn. I was being bitchy Gianna like usual. And once I’d agreed to Luca’s offer, I was too proud to tell him that I didn’t even want his stupid freedom. I didn’t want to leave you, didn’t want another life. I probably would have been miserable alone but too proud to admit it if you hadn’t broken down. It felt like I was giving up, like I was admitting defeat, which is so idiotic. How can love ever be a defeat?” She fell silent, eyes widening.

I had become very still, like a hunter who didn’t want to startle its prey.

She licked her lips nervously. I wished I knew what she was thinking, but I had a feeling I knew. She was probably regretting ever bringing up the ‘L-word’ and everything else that had bubbled out of her. That was who she was. Maybe she was waiting for me to say something first, to tell her I loved her, but I wasn’t going to open my fucking heart to her and risk her stomping on it. I knew what I was feeling, had known it for a long time but I’d never said it to her. I’d never said it to anyone. Admitting something like that made you vulnerable and so far Gianna had given me little reason to risk that. I’d hunted her long enough. Now was her turn. I wouldn’t push her in either direction. Everything from this point on would have to come from her.

“Luca’s offer still stands. You are a free woman. You can walk out of this building and nobody will stop you.”

“No,” she said firmly. “I’ve run from my emotions for too long.” She braced herself on her palms and leaned forward. “I want to be with you, Matteo. By God, I know I shouldn’t want it, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sick of ignoring my heart. I love you.”

She kissed me almost desperately, her hands finding their way into my hair. My head was still tender but I’d have rather cut my own throat than told Gianna to be careful. I wanted to feel her lips, her fingers, her body. I wanted all of her. “You sure you mean it?” I asked in a teasing voice when she pulled back.

She nodded. “Yes. There’s no fucking doubt in my mind. I love you, Matteo. I don’t care what that makes me. I don’t care what other people think about me, about us. I don’t even care what Aria and Luca think. All I care about is us.”

I kissed her again. I’d never get enough of tasting her. “I love you, Gianna. I’ve fucking loved you for a long time.”

Hearing Matteo say that he loved me set my heart aflame. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so happy. I’d thought admitting my feelings to anyone would give that person more power over me, but instead I felt freer than I had in a long time. I’d fought my emotions for so long, had held myself back for no good reason. Now that I’d said everything that needed to be said I felt relieved. Maybe all this had started as something that had been forced upon me, but today, this life, Matteo, my marriage, were my choices, and I said yes to all of them.

Matteo’s kiss was demanding. There was no restraint, no sign that not too long ago he’d been unconscious. I knew it was stupid, but I wanted to feel him, wanted to show him with more than just words that I loved him. I pulled back and let my eyes wander down Matteo’s body. He was dressed in only a tight white shirt and boxershorts that did little to hide his erection. When I looked back up into his face, his gaze was transparent with lust. I’d never listened to other people’s advice, so why should I start now?

Matteo wouldn’t overexert himself. I would take care of him. I knelt on the bed, and gripped his waistband. Matteo smiled his shark-smile. “I thought you didn’t want to risk my health.”

“Oh shut up,” I said quietly. “Or do you want me to stop?”

“No. Don’t stop.” He made himself comfortable against the array of pillows.

I smiled as I pulled down his boxer shorts, revealing his hard length. I moved between his legs so I could watch him while I sucked his cock. I cupped his balls, gently massaging them, but I didn’t touch his shaft yet. Instead I watched it twitch and grow even harder under my ministrations.

“You tease,” Matteo growled. “I thought you wouldn’t torture me today.”

He was right. This wasn’t about me. I leaned forward and ran my tongue all the way from his balls up to the top, then swirled it around his tip before sucking him into my mouth. I took inch after inch of him in until he hit the back of my throat before I let him slide out again. Matteo watched me through half-lidded eyes. He gently pulled my hair back, which always got in the way, and stroked my cheeks as I licked and sucked his tip, knowing that it was where he was most sensitive. I traced the tip of my tongue along the ridge of his tip slowly. Matteo’s breathing quickened, his abs tightened but he didn’t take his eyes off me or stopped touching my face. It felt like he was revering me while I was revering him.

I sucked a bit harder, feeling him getting closer. His fingers against my scalp tightened occasionally and he released a harsh breath every time my teeth scraped him lightly. He started pumping his hips, pushing his length deeper into my mouth and I let him. I was growing wet and the pressure between my legs had mounted to almost unbearable proportions but I was determined to ignore my own needs for today.

Matteo’s motions grew frantic. I clamped my lips tightly around his cock as he thrust into me over and over again. “I’m coming,” he rasped. I didn’t pull back. Instead I cupped his balls tightly and met his gaze. The muscles in his shoulders flexed and his body seized up with his orgasm. Eventually he stilled. I pulled back and wiped my mouth with a self-satisfied grin.

Matteo chuckled, a low sound from deep in chest. He reached for my shoulders and pulled me on top of him, claiming my mouth in a firm kiss. His hands glided down my back to cup my butt and squeezed. My core tightened with arousal. Before I could make up my mind, if I should allow Matteo to exert himself even more, a knock sounded. I tensed, my eyes darting toward the door, which was already opening.

Luca stood in the doorway, his gaze taking everything in without an expression. It wasn’t hard to guess what we’d done. After all, I was lying on top of a bottomless Matteo who was groping my butt.

My face flamed with embarrassment.

“You really shouldn’t barge into someone’s bedroom like that,” Matteo said in amusement. He didn’t look embarrassed at all, but after everything I knew about him that didn’t surprise me anymore.

I stayed exactly the way I was, even though Matteo wouldn’t have cared if I’d moved away and bared his cock to his brother.

“You should be resting,” Luca said dryly, gray eyes piercing me with an unreadable look. Was he angry? It was hard to tell. Recently he’d always been pissed around me. Not that his presence made me much happier.

Matteo gave my butt a firm pat, his grin turning annoyingly smug. “I feel very well rested.”

Luca shook his head. “I give up,” he said. “You two do whatever you want. I don’t even want to know what’s going on or not going on.” He turned around and closed the door behind him.

I pushed away from Matteo and slid off the bed, trying my best to straighten my wrinkled clothes, but now there were also stains on them. They were an absolute mess.

“Hey, I thought we weren’t done yet. I didn’t even get to touch your pussy.”

“And you won’t. Luca was right. You should rest. You’ve had enough excitement for the day,” I said sternly. Matteo was already growing hard again and he didn’t bother to hide it.

I huffed. “I’m going to change and clean up, and then return with something to eat for you. In the meantime, please pull your mind out of the gutter.”

Matteo winked. I stifled a smile and slipped out of the room. Aria and Luca were in the dining area, talking in hushed voices. Of course, I knew exactly what they were discussing.

Aria noticed me first and fell silent. After a couple of seconds of silent scrutiny, she smiled brightly at me. Luca didn’t share her enthusiasm though. I ignored him. “Could you give me some of your clothes? I really need to change and shower.”

Luca raised his eyebrows. “Do you need to make yourself presentable so you can leave?”

I met his gaze. “I’m not leaving. Not ever again.”

Aria was practically bouncing when she stepped up to me and linked our arms.

“We’ll see,” Luca said simply. Aria shot him a glare before she led me upstairs toward their dressing room.

“Don’t listen to him. He’s protective of Matteo,” Aria murmured. She pulled jeans and a long-sleeved shirt from her drawers and handed them to me.

Luca’s protectiveness of Aria and Matteo was one of the few things I liked about him. “I know. I haven’t given him any reason to trust me with his brother.”

Aria watched me curiously as I undressed. “So will you move back into Matteo’s apartment?”

I paused on my way to the bathroom. It wasn’t as if I had already settled somewhere else. I hadn’t even started considering where to live after I’d moved out. “Yes. I will move back in and be his wife. Probably not a good wife, but it’s not like Matteo didn’t know that when he married me.”

“Matteo doesn’t expect you to be a perfect wife. He likes you for who you are, flaws and all.”

It was the truth, even if I’d been blind to it for so long. I stepped into the shower but didn’t immediately turn the water on.

Aria sank down on the edge of the bathtub. “Are you sure you can do the same? Accept all of him, even the bad?”

There was plenty of bad in Matteo, in every Made Man really, but I’d come to realize that there was in me as well. Maybe not as much, but it was there. It was in all of us. I’d tried to become someone else, some kind of ideal I’d thought I needed to be, but that had never been me and never would. Matteo had held up a mirror to my face and showed me who I really was and where I belonged. I’d hated it, had fought it tooth and nail, but it was time to be brave.

“Yes. I love him, the bad and the good,” I said firmly. Aria smiled as if I’d given her some huge present. Smiling back, I turned the water on, and really let the words sink in, their truthfulness.

I’d never be okay with everything Matteo did, would never do even half of the things he had done and was going to do in the future. But I’d realized I didn’t have to be happy about every aspect of his life. As long as Matteo treated me with care and respect, as long as he loved me, and I loved him, things would work out.

I’d stand by him and support him as best as I could, because he was mine and I was his.