Chapter 21: Bound By Hatred: Chapter 20

Aria kept throwing glances my way, her pale brows drawn together in concern. “Are you sure you don’t need to see the doc?”

“I’m fine, really,” I snapped, then felt bad for it. Aria was always on my side. She’d done so much for me in the last year, even gone against Luca. “Sorry. I’m exhausted.” The smell of smoke and blood lingered in my nose, a vivid echo of the earlier events.

“It’s okay. You’ve gone through a lot,” Aria said gently.

My thoughts drifted back to Matteo. I hoped he’d be fine. He was tough, but he’d lost a lot of blood. Maybe I should have let Aria drive me to the hospital to make sure he was alright. I wanted to be with him, wanted to be there when he woke and hold his hand while he was unconscious. I wanted to tell him that I was tired of the games, tired of pretending that I didn’t care for him, when I’d already lost my heart to him. It was futile trying to lie to myself. I knew I’d come to love Matteo, even his arrogance and shark-smile. He was still a bad man, a murderer and criminal, but I knew now that I wasn’t much better. I had no doubt that I would have been like Matteo if I’d been raised like him and not sheltered from life like all the women in our world. It was an ugly truth, one I’d prefer to deny, but it was the truth, and it was time to admit it and own up to the life I was obviously meant to live. The words lay on the tip of my tongue.

“You can take a quick shower, and then I’ll help you pack everything.”

“Oh, sure,” I said distractedly. Pride had always been my problem, even now when I knew it was only hurting me, and Matteo.

Aria glanced my way. “Luca will keep his word. You don’t have to worry. He’s never broken his promise. And he knows I’d never forgive him if he’d lied. You’ll be free.”

Free? What was freedom worth if it meant ignoring what my heart wanted? “I know.”

“You don’t look happy.”

I wasn’t happy. But why? For months I’d wished for nothing more than to figure out a way out of this marriage, out of this life, out of this world, and now that I finally got my wish, I didn’t feel anything. How could I have been lying to myself for so long? And why couldn’t I admit it, especially not to the outside world? Why did it feel as if admitting I loved Matteo was the ultimate defeat? “I’m still recovering from the crash. That’s all,” I said on autopilot. I wondered how long that lie would work.

Aria didn’t look convinced but she didn’t push the matter. I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes, not in the mood for conversation. I needed to sort through my emotions as soon as possible, but the splitting headache definitely wasn’t making it an easy feat.

I must have dozed off because suddenly Aria was nudging me awake and we were parked in the underground garage. She gave me an encouraging smile, and for some reason it made me feel horrible. I quickly scrambled out of the car, unable to meet Aria’s compassionate gaze. I rushed toward the elevator, a few times almost tripping over my feet. Aria caught up with me and called the elevator down with a press of the button. “What’s the rush? You don’t have to worry that Matteo will come home while we’re still packing. They’ll probably keep him in the hospital overnight. He looked really bad.”

I leaned against the cool wall of the elevator. Did Aria really think that would cheer me up? Was I such a horrible bitch that people thought I’d be happy that someone was seriously injured?

Of course they did. Luca had thought he had to offer me a ticket to freedom so I didn’t let his brother die. I was nothing but a heartless, selfish bitch in his mind. And judging from Aria’s words, she agreed with him.

My throat corded up. Maybe they were right. “I’m not worried,” I said calmly. It was easier to play the part they all expected me to play.

Aria nodded, but she didn’t stop watching me. We were leaning across from each other and I could see my reflection behind her in the mirror. We couldn’t have been more different. Aria with her kind expression, angel-like hair, porcelain skin and baby-blue eyes; the epitome of pureness. And I looked like I’d risen from hell with my messy red hair, blood covered clothes and skin, and dark shadows under my eyes. When we stepped into the apartment that I’d shared with Matteo since our wedding, I quickly rushed into the master bedroom, and from there into the adjoining bathroom. Maybe a quick shower would help me get a grip on my heart. Luca’s offer was my last chance, I knew that. If I followed my heart instead and stayed with Matteo, then that would be it. I had to let my brain make this decision.

After my shower, I still didn’t feel better but at least I’d made up my mind. Aria was sitting on the bed, typing on her phone, when I entered the bedroom.

“Did Luca tell you about Matteo?” I asked immediately, my throat already tightening and panic flooding me. I should have gone with Matteo. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

“He’s doing fine. Apparently it’s only a concussion and a few cracked ribs.” She finally looked up and quickly walked over to me. “You look pale.”

I swallowed. Matteo would be fine. Slowly my panic settled down.

“You are really worried about him, aren’t you? Why don’t you admit it? You can trust me, Gianna, you know that.”

“Of course I worry. I’m not made from stone. I don’t want anything to happen to him. I care about him, believe it or not.”

“But not enough to stay?” Aria asked.

I wasn’t sure what to say. All my well-laid plans in the shower seemed to crumble before me again. “I need to lie down for a while, I think. Or do we have to leave soon?”

Aria shook her head. “No, Luca will take Matteo to our penthouse when he wakes, so you won’t cross his path if you stay here. And it’s late anyway. Catch some sleep.”

I grabbed clean clothes and put them on before I lay down on top of the covers. I could hear Aria closing the door and then silence reigned around me.

It was already light out when I woke. I was alone in the bedroom. I quickly scrambled off the bed and left the room, half expecting to find Matteo in the kitchen. He wasn’t.

Aria was there. She tipped something into her phone before handing me a cup of coffee. “How do you feel?”

“Where’s Matteo? Is he okay? Is he still in hospital?”

“He’s fine. He’s in the penthouse, sleeping off his concussion.”

“Oh, right. He’s at your place. That makes sense.”

“Gianna, you don’t have to leave, you realize that, right? It’s okay to stay with Matteo.”

I stared at her. It was okay, wasn’t it? Okay to love a man like him, okay to accept life in the mob.

The elevator stopped with a bling and Luca walked out, his cold gaze settling on me. I had to suppress a shiver. That was what hatred looked like, and I supposed he had every reason to hate me. Sandro was a couple of steps behind him like a good lapdog.

“I hope your bags are packed. I want you out of this apartment as soon as possible.”

“Luca,” Aria hissed. “That’s not fair.”

For once she couldn’t warm his cold heart. “No. That bitch needs to get as far away from my brother as possible. I want her gone. She’s been ruining his life for long enough.”

I glared, but deep down I wondered if he was right. Of course, I’d never admit it. “I know you think Matteo deserves better than me. But let me tell you one thing. Aria deserves better too. She’s too good and pure and kind for you. You aren’t even worth the dirt under her shoes. She’s too loving and nice to see it, but I do. You think I destroyed Matteo’s life, but I never got a choice in the matter. I didn’t want to marry him. You on the other hand chose to marry Aria. You chose to destroy her life with your darkness. So get down from your high horse, you bastard. You don’t deserve her and never will.”

Aria’s knuckles turned white from her grip on Luca’s wrist. He could have shaken her off with ease but he didn’t move. “I know,” he said in a steely voice. “But the difference between you and me is that I’m trying to be a better man for her. But you never tried. You were always content with being a bitch.”

Aria gasped. “Luca, please.”

“No. He’s right. I’m a bitch, and I’m leaving now. Tell Matteo goodbye from me.” Wow, spoken like a true bitch. It was too late to take the words back, and I knew I would be too prideful to do it anyway. I took two of my bags that Aria must have carried down before I’d woken, and headed for Sandro who picked up my other bags and followed me toward the elevator. I stepped inside and faced Aria and Luca, my head held high. Luca’s gaze was unrestrained hate, but Aria was crying. She was pleading me with her eyes and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and lowered my gaze to the floor. The doors slid shut and the elevator started moving. Sandro didn’t try to make conversation. Every look he gave me spoke of disapproval. I wondered if Luca would have had me killed if it weren’t for Aria.

***

Sandro drove me to a hotel where I would stay until I’d found an apartment. I wasn’t even sure if I would stay in New York. Returning to Chicago was definitely out of the question. I’d be dead within a week.

“Here. That’s five thousand dollars. Luca will contact you with more details soon,” Sandro said as he parked in front of the hotel. A doorman opened my door. Sandro didn’t follow me as I got out of the car, only gave the doorman information about the reservation. The moment the doorman had lifted my luggage out of the trunk, Sandro drove off, leaving me alone. I stared after the car. Nobody was watching me. I was free.

Then why did freedom feel like my new prison?

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Luca muttered as he followed me into my apartment.

“This is my home. I’m not an invalid. I won’t have another sleepover at your place,” I said. I was still feeling fucking dizzy but I wasn’t going to admit it to Luca. I walked into my bedroom, Luca close behind me. If he didn’t stop it soon, I’d kick his ass.

I stopped in the middle of the room. The drawers were ajar. I didn’t have to look into them to know they were empty.

“She moved out this morning,” Luca said.

“I know.”

I could feel Luca’s eyes on me. “You should stay with Aria and me. It’s almost Christmas. Do you want to spend the holidays sulking?”

“I don’t care about Christmas. And I’m not sulking. I’m supposed to rest, remember?” I pointed at my head, then walked over to the bed and lied down. “And I don’t want you to watch me while I sleep.”

“You will have dinner with Aria and me tonight. I don’t care if I have to drag you into my penthouse, but you will be there.”

I nodded. “Let me sleep.”

He finally left. Of course there was no way I could sleep. My eyes darted toward the dressing room with its empty shelves. Gianna was really gone, and this time I wasn’T going to hunt her.