Chapter 11: Chapter 10

Kristal Anderson

TW: Suicide

"Oh good morning, dear," Aunt Jenna smiled as soon as I entered the kitchen, she stood by the kitchen island whipping some eggs for breakfast. Her gaze ran down my body taking in my attire; a black oversized hoodie, black sweat pants and sneakers,"What's the occasion?"

I opened my mouth to speak but a sudden wave of nervousness washed over me making me clear my throat before I started, "It's my mother's birthday today,"

Her smile saddened before she nodded slowly, "It is, she would have been fifty-four today," She halted her movements, staring off into the distance as she spoke.

A wave of sadness washed its way through me as images of what life could have looked like if she was still alive; would I be baking her a cake, or planning her party or taking her out to her favorite restaurant. All of those questions would continue to go unanswered because he took her away from me.

I simply nodded, "I'm going to see her–"

"Kristal–" She cut me off with a small sigh.

"Just– hear me out Aunt Jenna, you know that every year on her birthday I take flowers to her grave. I know that this year is. . . different but it's been over three months since I last visited her and I can't fucking take it anymore," My mouth was moving faster than my brain was double checking the words, "I need to see her, I need to be around her, I can't just go years without seeing her, it's destroying me," I was seeing double as my tears clouded my vision and I made no effort to restrain them, "I need to feel close to her somehow, Aunt Jenna, can't you understand that?"

Her hands moved down to grip onto the island as she let out a big sigh, moving her gaze down to the marble island then back up to meet mine, "I understand that dear, I promise I do and you have to understand that this hurts me too, I would never willingly prohibit you from doing something like this. But your father–"

I let out a scoff, "But my father nothing, I can't fucking do this anymore!" The anger and frustration was bubbling up inside me and spilling over the edges, "I can't let him continue to control my life like this!"

"Kristal, I understand that you're angry but you do not need to raise your voice at me," Her soft voice met my ears completely contrasting my screams. I could feel my body practically shrink in on itself as guilt was quick to eat me alive.

"I'm sorry," I said, forcing myself to lower my voice. Though the anger and frustration were still brightly burning, the guilt overpowered it all. I let out a sigh walking around the island towards her as I collected my thoughts, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. This is just. . . it's a lot,"

I stood before her, she took my hands in hers and gave them a reassuring squeeze, "I know, this is so painful for me too, I hate doing this but you can't go. You can't risk yourself like this, it's an important day I'm sure he's expecting you to do something today so the chances that he'll attack are so much higher, sweetheart,"

"But, Aunt Jenna, I'll be careful I promise. All I need is just five minutes with her, I'll cover myself up he won't even know it's –"

"Kristal, if you love me, you will turn around and head back to your room," She said, her voice soft and gentle but filled with finality.

"But–"

"If you love me, you will turn around and head back to your room," She repeated,her tone serious and the remnants of a smile long gone from her expression.

I opened my mouth to speak once again but the look on her face clogged up my throat as a new wave of tears rolled their way down my cheeks.

And with that I turned on my heels and headed back to my room and I cried.

I curled up into a ball on my bed with my mother's framed picture clutched to me. I begged her for forgiveness, I so desperately needed her to know that I wasn't abandoning her.

I begged and begged and begged until my voice gave out. I couldn't tell you if I stayed that way for an hour or five.

It was only when I felt as though I had no tears left to cry that I got up and decided to take a warm bath to freshen up.

The warm water was just what my body needed. My muscles relaxed under the water and I felt relief even if it was temporary.

My head slid under the water for what was supposed to be just a second or two, but the complete and utter silence underwater had consumed me. The feeling I'd been longing for.

And in that moment all I wanted to do was stay down, forever. All my worries would simply disappear; I would be with my mother again, my father would have no one to hunt down, and aunt Jenna would have no one to burden her. Everything would be perfect again.

All I had to do was stay down here.

Seconds passed and I could practically picture it all. Everything would be perfect again.

More seconds passed and the strain on my lungs was becoming unbearable.

Everything

Would

Be

Perfect

Again.

A loud ding from my phone pulled me out of the tunnel I seemed to have fallen into. What the fuck are you doing? I asked myself as a more realistic image appeared in my mind; Aunt Jenna's face if she found me in this tub.

I pulled myself back up at the thought, gasping for air as a wave of shame and guilt washed over me for viewing that as a possibility. I forced myself to swallow back the tears that were threatening to fall as I climbed off the tub and slid on my bathrobe.

I stood in front of my counter drying my hair off with a towel. I finally took in my appearance in the mirror in front of me, my skin pale and sickly, my eyes puffy and bloodshot, and a pair of eye bags to accompany it all. Talk about a model look.

After using the towel to dry off my hair a little, I brushed it through a few times before letting the rest air dry. I picked my phone up off the counter and an instant warmness filled my insides at the name on my screen.

Aiden: You home?

My feet got a life of their as they propelled  me towards my window and I pulled my curtains apart and there he stood in front of his window staring right at mine. I took a seat on my reading nook.

I had suspected that he hadn't come home last night and now the work clothes that he wore from the day before proved me right; a light blue button up that now looked disheveled with a few buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up, and black dress pants.

He stared at me and I stared back and he stared back a little longer taking in my appearance and in that moment a pang of insecurity shot it's way up my spine making me stand up straighter. It was then that I instantly regretted not making myself look a little more presentable before coming to the window.

But that thought was quickly dismissed when he lifted his hand into a wave, a smile on his face. There was something different about his eyes, his eyes that only now had I realized carried similar eye bags.

I waved back with a small smile that was barely visible but that was all I could muster at that moment.

He picked up his phone and my ears were expecting a familiar ding of an incoming text but instead they were met with my ring tone and his name on the screen.

He was calling me.

My heart picked up and for a solid second or two my room seemed to distort in my peripheral making my legs feel like jelly.

I moved my gaze back to meet his for a few seconds as I considered possible ways to get out of a phone call when the person calling was standing right in front of you. Pretending I didn't hear was usually my go to excuse.

Coming up short of any excuses, I moved my gaze back down to my screen and cleared my throat– because my voice always seemed to malfunction in the worst situations possible; class presentations, job interviews– and brought my phone up to my ear.

"Hello," I kept my eyes on him as I spoke.

The faint sound of a sharp inhale filled my ears before his voice did, low, deep and husky, "Hi," Hearing his voice for the first time sent a shiver down my spine for two reasons. One– which was the obvious one– he sounded fucking hot. And two, hearing his voice made him so much more real, because for all I knew he could have just been a figment of my imagination that my brain created to help me cope with the fact that I was stuck inside. "You hesitated  for a second there, were you really about to hang up on me right in front of me?" He asked with a light chuckle.

"I was," I told him in all honesty, "I need a three to five business days notice before I even think about picking up. Phone calls scare me,"

"Well I apologize for the inconvenience," I could hear the smile in his words, being able to see and hear his smile was enough to make a smile crawl it's way onto my lips, "but I do have an excuse for my unannounced phone call, maybe then it'll seem reasonable,"

"Oh yeah? Go ahead then, amuse me,"

"Well, I barely caught any sleep last night and I just can't be asked to look at a screen right now,"

Images filled my mind– without my consent may I add– images of what his night may have consisted of, images of him in compromising positions with other women followed by a pang of a feeling I was far too familiar with. Jealousy.

I had to remind myself of the cruel reality which was that I had no right to feel that way, not when I was a prisoner in my own home and he was out there living his life and meeting people.

"Fun night, I suppose," I manage to say in a controlled voice.

He let out a small chuckle, "Depends, if you consider spending the night next to your dying mother fun,"

My eyelids flew apart so incredibly fast that I wouldn't be surprised if my entire skull was on show from how fast my eyes widened, "O-oh, oh my gosh no I– oh god I– that's– I'm so sorry– my mind was going in a completely different direction," I rambled on nonsensically as my brain seemed to short-circuit from the information, "Are you okay?" I finally asked.

He looked at me and just smiled. Now knowing this information, his smiles had a whole new meaning. If you looked at him, the way he behaves and his neverending smiles, you would never be able to tell that he was going through something so traumatic. "I'm okay," He finally said after a few moments, his voice softer now, "I've learned to cope," He added, "But are you okay though? You know like you've been crying,"

That pang of insecurity roared back inside me, but I managed to ignore it, "How do you know that? We're like a thousand feet away. Plus this could be what I look like without makeup, so what you just said could be highly offensive,"

"You got me there," He snickered, "I apologize if I offended you,"

I smiled and shook my head, "I'm fine, I just– it's been a hard day,"

He held my gaze for a moment too long, studying me, analyzing me before he finally spoke, "Do you wanna talk about it?"  He asked and I didn't miss the hesitation in his words.

I shook my head, "I can't or else I'll just start crying again and according to you I already look horrible enough,"

"Hey don't put words in my mouth,"

A giggle slipped from my lips, "Distract me," I told him.

A few moments of silence spread between us, "Well, since we both seem to be having shitty days, tell me what your dream day would consist of,"

"Dream day? Gosh I've never thought of that. But it would probably either consist of me cuddled up in a big comfy couch, some hot tea or hot cocoa on one hand, and a good book on the other,"

"Isn't that what your normal days usually consist of?"

I couldn't help the laugh that rolled it's way through me, "Yes, but the different is in my dream day, I would be happy and free of any worries,"

"And what would make you happy. Would you getting out of that house make you happy?"

A knock on the door pulled my attention away from the conversation, I pulled my phone away from my ear just in time for Aunt Jenna to open the door.

She peeked her head inside, "Can I come in dear? I feel like we left things off on a bad note earlier so I wanted to apologize," She pushed the door out wider and stepped in the door, shutting it behind her.

My thumb worked quickly to press the end call button before she was able to proceed with the conversation and exposed parts of me I knew I wasn't quite ready to share.

I gave her a small smile and nodded which prompted her to move towards me, "You know how much I hate being the villain in our conversations, and I hate knowing that what I said hurt you very deeply," She stood before me, a gentle smile lifted her features, "But I hope you know that I was–" She paused and furrowed her eyebrows as she stared right over my head, I whipped my head back in her different to find Aiden still standing there, staring right at us, "wait, who is that?"

I felt my heart drop to the balls of my feet.

I hope you enjoyed that chapter my

loves <3

I appreciate every single one of you!

Love, J