"Do not pursue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is. The future has not yet come. Looking deeply at life as it is. In the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today. To wait until tomorrow is too late. All living beings have a Buddha nature and can become Buddhas. Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so, the wise are not affected by praise or blame. If you determine your course with force or speed, you miss the way of the dharma.
Quietly consider what is right and what is wrong. Receiving all opinions equally, without haste, wisely, observe the dharma. The wise have mastered body, word, and mind. They are the true masters.
Through vigilance, restraint, and control the wise will construct an island that no flood will overcome. Do not accept what you hear from the report, do not accept tradition, don't accept a statement because it is found in our books, nor because it is in accord with your belief, nor because it is the saying of your teacher.
When a man is stimulated by his own thoughts, full of desire and dwelling on what is attractive, his craving increases even more. He ismaking the fetter even stronger. But he who takes pleasure in stilling thoughts, practicing the contemplation of what is repulsive, and remaining recollected, now he will make an end of craving, he will break the bonds of Mara. His aim is accomplished, he is without fear, rid of craving, and without stain. He has removed the arrows of changing existence. This is his last body. Your actions are your only true belongings."
I listened to each and every word carefully. I loved to attend these teachings, these prayers, and loved to read about the philosophy of Buddhism.
I started at the preacher and listened to his words.
Bodhi finished speaking and he smiled looking around the room, his eyes stopped on me, and he gave me a kind smile and walked towards me.
"Yibo, my child, how are you?" he said as he kept his hand over my head. Bodhi was a monk and my mentor.
"Fine." I said, "How are you?"
"I am doing well, my child, tell me about yourself, how is your job at the bank?"
"It's good," I said and the two of us started to walk.
I was currently at a Buddhist temple, if ten years ago someone had told me that I would become a Buddhist ten years later and start visiting the temple frequently I would have laughed at their faces, but here I was now, highly interested in Buddhist philosophy and religion.
Just like my mother was.
Time truly has the power to change people.
"So what brings you here?" Bodhi asked.
"I just think that maybe it's time to... you know... contact him again."
"That's a wonderful decision, what made you think about that though?"
"Well, I am not getting any younger and a lot of time has passed already, I don't want to waste any more time, besides I owe it to him.
I just wonder if he even cares about meeting me. Like what if he has already moved on."
"There is no harm in trying, right?" Bodhi said.
"Right," I added I wanted to meet him again, I missed Zhan like crazy, all these years Zhan has been my hope, the reason to keep going, so that I can meet him again one day, embrace him and tell him all my secrets.
"What are you thinking dear?" Bodhi asked
I pressed my lips together and said, "Well, you know Zhan has become so successful and I am so happy that he has achieved so much in life now, he has a family, a good career, he is a CEO now, I just feel a little embarrassed about my past... what if he is better off without me, or that if he looks down at me... and you know..."
"So you are trying to run away from that feeling."
"Maybe."
"You once told me that in high school Zhan had pulled away from and became distant?"
"Yes."
"Maybe because he felt the same way you are feeling now, he was embarrassed in front of you, because he thought less of himself, at that time, did you also think less of Zhan, did you look down at him?"
"No, I could never, Zhan was my treasure, and he still is," I said looking at the ring on my finger.
"Then it's about time you go and meet him, and whatever happens, we can deal with it, why don't you go and take Buddha's blessing before leaving."
"Sure." I walked inside the temple and joined my hands in prayer, I stared at the beautiful statue in front of me and prayed.
It helped me calm down.
After coming back from the temple I packed my stuff, the first place that I wanted to visit was my hometown, I wanted to pay my mother a visit.
It had been a while since I went to see her, this was the first time in ten years that I would go back to my hometown, and I was a nervous wreck.
After a long ride, I reached my destination, I parked my car at the hotel where I was staying and decided to take a walk.
The town was still beautiful, a lot of things had changed, there were a lot more shops now, old tiny shops had become full-blown general stores, and it felt nice to see that.
While walking I passed my house, where I once used to live with my mother, where I grew up, where I had tons of memories, good and bad ones, I stared at it for a while reminiscing about the past, the house had changed so much, I wanted to go inside but it was not my home anymore, it belonged to dad and his second wife.
I stared at it for a while before resuming my walk, the road were clean and peaceful, these were the same roads were I and Zhan used to walk.
I also saw my school, it had completed changed though, I smiled as I remembered old times, this was the place where I had met Zhan for the first, time, and became best friends, shared lunches, where he gave me roses and cheered for me.
I was becoming emotional.
I came across a flower shop and got some flowers for my mother, before resuming my walk towards the cemetery.
I slowly walked towards my mother's grave, my chest tightening with each step, my eyes becoming blurry because of tears, I felt tightness in my throat, and soon I was standing in front of my mother's grave.
I kept the flowers at her grave and kneeled before her, I joined my hands and prayed before saying, "How are you, mom, I am sorry for coming so late, but before IÂ didn't think I could face you." I had to stop speaking because of how overwhelmed I was.
I wiped my tears and continued, "I was ashamed of myself and felt extremely guilty for what happened with you, I am so sorry, I wasn't a good son to you. I must have disappointed you a lot, the two people you loved and live for betrayed you...I get you, mom.
I used to be so angry at you, but not anymore I get it, it must be so hard for you to live like that, tortured by your own brain, yet you still fought hard because of me and dad, I hope that you are in a better place and you are wherever you are.
I will always remember you and I promise I will do better."
I took a deep breath and wiped my tears, I stayed there for some time and talked to my mother about a lot of things, before getting up and walking to another grave.
This one belonged to Zhan's father, "How are you uncle? are you proud of your son? I am sure you are. I hope you are in a better place too." I stood there for some time, thinking of the time when I had last talked to Zhan's father and shared my worries with him.
I stood there thinking about my last interaction with Zhan's dad, something that I still remember to this day, Zhan's dad was a good man, and the first person I had told about my life. Gentle breeze hit my face, as I stared at the grave, thinking about the past.
While I was lost in my thoughts I suddenly heard a voice, had made my heart tremble and gave me goosebumps.
"Yibo."
No, no, it can't be I must be dreaming, I must be imagining things.
I felt a presence behind me, my heart was beating very fast, which I was sure was not normal, I slowly turned around and there he was.
Zhan.
My Zhan.
My love.
My breath caught, my chest tightening painfully. I had imagined this moment for yearsâhow it would feel to see him again, what I would say if we ever stood face to face. Would he hate me? Would he walk past without a word? Had time erased what we once were?
"Hi Zhan." I managed to speak.
He looked so handsome, so perfect, so amazing, so enchanting, so dazzling, he had changed so much, he looked so much mature now, and healthy and happy.
He slowly moved towards me and I nearly stopped breathing when he hugged me so tightly that it was painful, I wrapped my arms around him too, and hugged him with the same intensity.
He was no longer the skinny child, he was a well-grown man now.
My Zhan had grown up well.
My tears slipped as I felt his warmth, Zhan's arms wrapped around me, firm and desperate, his body pressing against mine as if he was afraid I'd disappear if he let go. My breath hitched, my body going rigid for just a second before I broke, my arms tightening around him, my fingers gripping his coat as if he was the only thing anchoring me to the earth.
He was trembling.
I squeezed my eyes shut, my throat burning, my heart slamming against my ribs. Ten years. Ten years without him, and now he was here, holding onto me like he had never let go.
Slowly, he pulled back just enough to look at me, his dark eyes searching mine, scanning my face like he was memorizing every detail. I didn't know what he was looking for, but whatever it was, he must have found itâbecause suddenly, his hands were on my face, his touch cold but steady.
And then he kissed me.
The world tilted.
My breath caught as his lips pressed against mine, warm and desperate, tasting of years lost, of words unspoken, of everything we had held back for too long. My chest ached, and before I could even think, I kissed him back, harder, needier, my hands sliding up to cradle the back of his neck, pulling him closer.
A soft sound escaped him, something between a sigh and a sob, and I felt my own resolve shatter. My fingers curled into his coat, my heartbeat hammering against his. I wanted to drown in this moment, to make up for every second of pain, every regret, every lonely night spent wondering if I would ever find my way back to him.
But here I was. In his arms.
I was home.