Chapter 5: Faking It with the Forward: Chapter 5

Regret.

That’s how I feel about taking that stupid selfie.

So many freaking regrets.

I don’t even know why I did it. It was completely out of character for me to do something like that. With someone like Reese. Like, what in the world compelled me to put my face on Reese’s social media and blast it to the world?

Okay, maybe not the world, but I checked when I got home, and he has over a hundred thousand followers. No, a lot of fans.

But even as I wallow in a bag of chips and my regrets, deep down I know why I did it.

Shanna Wentworth.

Being shy is the norm for me. I’m used to being overshadowed by big personalities like Nadia, or the cocky, ego-driven guys on the team. But hearing that Shanna started texting Reese more after seeing us together?

Well, that’s just a bitch move.

That dismissiveness lit something inside of me, and for once I just couldn’t sit by and take it any longer. So, I acted. Rashly, and according to the little tracker next to the photo of Reese kissing my cheek, twenty-two thousand people heart it.

I’m not even venturing into the comment section.

I’ve got my hand shoved in the bottom of the chip bag when the door swings open, banging into the wall. “Tell. Me. Everything,” Nadia says with a wide, beaming grin.

“I’m assuming you saw the photo.”

“Everyone saw the photo, Twy. What the fuck?” She flops next to me on the couch and takes the bag from me. “Reese Cain? Why is he kissing you and posting it online?”

I open my mouth to tell her—everything. About the other kiss in the coffee shop–the one I felt in my bones. How just being around him flusters me and makes me feel a little unhinged. The obnoxious follow up texts from Shanna and how irritated he seemed. But most of all, how I wanted to prove to her I wasn’t just an inconsequential ant to be stepped on.

In the end, I keep all of that to myself, and say, “We were just messing around.”

“Messing around,” she says slowly, “with Reese Cain.”

I snatch the bag back from her. “There’s nothing going on, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“There’s something going on.” She pulls out her phone and opens the Chattysnap app. “Do you know how many girls have made it onto Reese’s feed? Three.” She holds it up for me to see. “His mom. Shanna. And now you. Ever.”

“Which should tell you how little his account means. You know guys don’t pay attention to all that.”

She laughs. “Please. They pay attention. More than they’d ever admit.”

“This isn’t a big deal.” I crush the empty bag in my hand and stand up, crossing the small space to toss it in the trash bin.

“Twy…” Nadia starts, but I shoot her a look. Not that it stops her. “What’s really going on? Do you like him?”

“God, no,” I blurt—a little too quickly. “You know he’s not my type.”

In the past I went for emo guys in skinny jeans and shaggy hair. The complete and total opposite of a guy like Reese. Lately? I haven’t gone for anyone.

She rolls her eyes. “Reese is everyone’s type.”

I’m not ready to admit to myself that Reese gives me feelings—albeit crazy, neurotic, frustrated feelings—much less Nadia. She wouldn’t understand. She crushes on everyone. There’s an endless list of guys on campus that she’s always got her eye on. Ever since I broke up with Ethan, I’ve kept that part of myself closed off. There’s just something about Reese that makes me want to consider it again. Not with him exactly, but maybe someone.

“It’s okay if you do. I mean, he’s very good looking, and have you seen him without a shirt?” She shoves the phone at me again, a photo of Reese, Jefferson, and Axel, all shirtless, hanging out at the lake. All of their bodies are insane.

“I work with the team. I’ve seen them all shirtless.” And Reese is cut like marble, all hard-packed muscle, complete with a climbable ladder on his abdomen, and a deep-set V that plunges below.

“Ethan totally mindfucked you, Twy, but he doesn’t get to own your future.”

My chest constricts at Ethan’s name and that same panicky feeling lingers. “I know.”

“It’s okay to dip your toes back in the dating pool, even if he seems out of reach.”

“Reese Cain isn’t some kiddie wading pool. He’s a freaking ocean caught in the middle of a hurricane.” I know it’s impossible, but I can still feel his lips on my cheek, the scratch of his scruff, and the flutter of butterflies racing in my stomach. “But we are friendly, and I’ve been trying to put myself out there more.”

“I’m proud of you.” She grins and sets her feet on the coffee table. “Just watch, that picture of you and Reese is about to change your life.”

Later, as I get out of the shower, I catch sight of the tattoo on my upper thigh in the bathroom mirror. The design is a crown, shaded dark with whimsical flowers and swirling lines surrounding it. I run my thumb down the ink and feel the scars hidden underneath.

An eternal reminder of the effect Ethan, my first real boyfriend, left on me.

We met the first week of school on the lawn outside the freshman dorms. Nadia had already found herself some baseball players to hang out with, and I refused to join. I spent all of high school surrounded by the jocks I worked with in our sports training program. College was going to be different and I was determined to find my own crowd.

Ethan was the opposite of a jock. He wore all black, including jeans, even though it was still summer. He had a lanky build, with a narrow face and sharp cheekbones, floppy hair hanging in front of his eyes. A sliver ring pierced his eyebrow, and I was drawn like a moth to a flame. The jocks never paid me much attention, but Ethan… he looked me right in the eye and asked if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends.

From the start it felt electric with him, and at that time in my life I just wanted to feel something, to be something to someone. But in hindsight, I understand that Ethan was smarter than me, calculated. He saw me coming, set his sights on me like a hunter with prey, and from there it was a slow descent into an inferno of pain. Mental and physical, and it’s taken me a long time, and more than a little therapy, to move on with my life.

Or at least try to.

Ruby and Nadia both think I’m stuck. Lodged in a place where I feel safe. But what’s wrong with feeling safe?

You know who doesn’t make me feel safe? Reese Cain. Not because he’s dangerous, but because he’s the first person to push me out of my comfort zone in a long time.

The first person to make me want to feel something more.

Looking away from my reflection, I tug on a clean T-shirt and shorts. My hair is wet, hanging loose, and I think about Reid suggesting I wear it down. Another reminder of how I allowed Ethan to change who I am and how I present myself.

Grabbing a hair tie, I pick up my phone and head into my room, opening Chattysnap to Reese’s account. The picture of us has even more likes now and hundreds of shares. Reese looks devastatingly handsome, of course. His lips are pressed against the side of my face, amplifying the angle of his scruff-covered jaw. His body dwarfs mine, and you can’t see anything but my face. My eyes are huge. I know it’s from the surprise, but in the moment, I just look happy.

No one knows the nerves that were crashing inside of me.

I stare at the hair tie. So small but, so meaningful.

I toss it on the bedside table, run my fingers through my hair and loosen the waves.

Nadia’s right. It’s time to leave the past behind and embrace the future.