I was lying on the floor in my room staring at the ceiling unaware of anything. I felt numb and I didn't even know if I was breathing. Obviously I was because I would be dead if I wasn't breathing. But what if I was already dead and this is what death felt like. It would explain the dull ache in my chest as if something that was there had been ripped out. What was I saying? My heart had been ripped out.
I don't know for how long I had been lying there without moving. It could have been a few minutes, hours or even days. I had lost all sense of time. I felt something vibrating underneath me but I ignored it. That feeling reminded me that I was still alive. I didn't want to be alive. I wanted Mason. My Mason but he was all gone now. Mamas boy was with his mama now.
The vibration continued over and over again but I kept ignoring it. I was very comfortable in this position because I was mostly numb and I knew if I moved a few places would start hurting. I wonder how long I could stay like this until I starved to death. My parents would be so sad and so would Lee and a few of my classmates, the ones I got along with at least.
I needed to get over this situation fast before this thoughts but became a reality . I had never been this low after a breakup before. I guess it could be because I turned to drugs after every break up. Maybe I could use a cigarette right now. It would feel so good as the nicotine filled smoke invaded my lungs filling me with a sense of calm. But I had spent so much energy quitting to go back now. Mason and Lee would be disappointed because they had been with me every step of the way. Silly me, Mason wouldn't care he wasn't even here anymore.
I don't think drugs would be enough to get rid of all the memories and and feelings I had of Mason. He was the first man I ever truly loved. He was perfect for me with his smile and killer body. Mason was embedded into the very fabric of my soul. Getting rid of him would leave me soulless and I don't think one could live without a soul.
I heard a knock on the door that shattered my thoughts. It wasn't the first time someone was knocking and it was going to be another time when I was going to ignore it. I think I had heard Masons voice a few times outside but I couldn't be sure, maybe it was a dream or a hallucination. The knocking this time was different softer and impatient. Maybe it was Lee. But she wasn't here, she and Jake traveled. I couldn't hear the person, I knew they were saying something or at least calling me but I couldn't for the life of me make out what the words were.
Maybe they were at the wrong door. I didn't get to dwell on those thoughts for very long before the door swung open and I saw two pairs of legs from where I was lying. Two legs started running towards me and a set of knees dropped next to my face.
I could see their lips moving but I couldn't make out the words. Suddenly I felt myself being lifted up and taken somewhere next thing I know there was cold water being splashed on my face and that was enough to bring me back to reality.
"That is cold." I commented my throat feeling dry and my mouth tasted terrible.
I was sitting on the toilet seat in my bathroom wearing nothing but a long T-shirt. It was probably Masons and I had no idea if I had underwear on or not.
"That's all you have to say to me. That is cold. Really B?" Lee shouted and that's when I looked up and noticed her.
Lee was here. My best friend finally came. She was dressed in a very cute and short lace black dress, white sneakers and her hair was in maroon braids. She was so beautiful but she was angry, I could tell because she was shaking. She only shakes when she's angry. I also noticed she was holding a wash cloth with blood on it.
"Are you bleeding?" I asked her.
She looked at me shocked for a second before she pinched the bridge of her nose, took a few deep breath and turned her steel gaze towards me.
"Am I bleeding? You did not just ask me that B. What is wrong with you? How many times must we do this? Why do you keep doing this to me B?" She asked her voice breaking towards the end and I saw her wipe away a stray tear.
I did not want to make my best friend cry. She meant the world to me.
"Am sorry Lee for whatever I've done. Please don't cry." I begged taking her free hand into mine.
She looked at me for a while before dumping the washcloth in the sink and turning to me.
" B I've been calling you for four days. You haven't picked up your phone, answered text messages. I even sent you emails for crying out loud like some old person. Do you know how many people I've sent to come check on you only for them to tell me there was no one home. Then i come to find you lying unresponsive on the floor nose bleeding. B why have....?" She scolded but I cut her off.
"I was bleeding. I hadn't noticed." I said.
I didn't even feel the blood. I don't think I have ever had a nose bleed before.
"Answer me this B. Have you used any drugs?" She asked checking me up for needle marks.
"No I haven't." I replied truthfully.
"Promise me."
"I promise Lee I didn't do any drugs. I mean, I really wanted to but I didn't. It was hard stopping. I didn't want to disappoint you or have all that effort go to waste." I replied.
Lee looked relieved before she pulled me for a hug. Since she was standing and I was sitting my head lay on her stomach and my arms her waist as hers went on my back and in my hair.
"I love you B but sometimes when you do stuff like this I just want to beat you up." She whispered.
"Am sorry." I apologized.
"It's okay. As long as you didn't result to drugs we can find a way to fix all this. Now go take a shower you stink. Ill go get clothes for you to change into and once you're all done we can have a girls day and trash talk he-who-shall-not-be-named over ice cream like Americans do it." Lee said making me laugh and nod.
My own laughter felt foreign to me but it felt good. Am glad Lee was here. She had always been able to fix me after breakups. This was the toughest one yet and I had no idea how we would fix this but in was hopeful.
With a kiss to my forehead Lee left me to take a shower. I really did stink.
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I got out of the bathroom feeling refreshed after a long shower dressed in comfortable sweatpants and a hood. My room was clean. I can't remember if it was dirty before but it was clean now. There was a suitcase by the door which I recognized as Lee's but the owner wasn't here. Maybe she had stepped out for something because the door was slightly opened.
I grabbed one of the opened tubs of pistachio ice cream from my kitchen table, a spoon and sat on top of my bed.
I was still numb but I knew it wouldn't last long. Lee would come back and demand to know every detail and I would tell her everything word for word before I broke down crying. She would hold me as I cried as she trash talked about whoever was responsible. Then she would cook and we would eat as we watched a sitcom before we slept. We would repeat the process all over again minus the story telling but I would break down a few times and she would just listen. This would go on for a few days or weeks depending on the situation and Lee would stay with me I was all better. She really was the perfect best friend.
Speaking of the devil, she came in talking on the phone. I only caught the last words before she hang up.
"Yeah fine whatever. Bye asshole." She said angrily hanging up the phone and tossing it on the bed.
She had changed into a baggy T-shirt with shorts underneath and fuzzy socks.
"Who was that on the phone? "I asked curiously scooping some ice cream into my mouth loving how cold felt on my tongue.
"You shouldn't be eating ice cream on an empty stomach. It's been four days B how aren't you dead yet?"She asked grabbing her ice cream and joining me on the bed.
"Am okay Lee and stop deflecting. "I replied.
"Okay fine. It was Voldemort and I'm not saying another word. " She replied and I got the reference so I nodded in understanding.
It was Mason. End of thought. I did not want to go there yet.
"What were you doing outside dressed like that?"I asked her pointing to her outfit.
"I was seeing Jake off. He has a class tomorrow morning and we've already been gone for too long so he can't miss it." She explained.
" I was wondering how you got me to the bathroom." I teased her squeezing her tiny hand.
"Stop that." She said slapping my hand off. "I know what you're doing and its not going to work. You know the how this works."
"Do we really have to? I don't want to talk about it. Besides you already know what happened. "I lamented.
"Your lucky I don't care about what you want or don't want to do. And all I know is that you and Voldemort broke up. I just got off a very exhausting and uncomfortable bus ride to get here as fast as I could so talk to me. And I know this is affecting you because I know you loved the guy and you haven't shed a single tear since I arrived. If it weren't for your physical state and the state of this place when I got her I wouldn't have known you just went through a terrible break up. Your numb and holding everything in B. So let it out and let the healing process begin." Lee explained.
" What if I don't want to heal or stop feeling numb. I actually like the way am feeling right now." I replied.
"Did you look at yourself in the mirror. You've lost weight, you have veins on your temples meaning you haven't slept or eaten anything. B it's either you talk to me or am calling Mrs. Rubadiri." She threatened.
"You wouldn't dare." I whispered shocked.
I didn't want my mom involved in this. She would freak out on me and want to come back and last I heard she was having a blast in Dubai. I didn't want to ruin her vacation.
"You know me well enough to know when am bluffing or not." Lee replied showing me her phone.
I knew she was crazy enough to do it. I grabbed the phone from her and tossing it away from us. "Okay fine I'll tell you everything. Get the tissues ready." I told her and she pointed at them in the bedside table.
I grabbed them and put them between us before beginning to narrate the whole ordeal to Lee. Better get this over and done with.
After narrating everything to Lee I was left a mess with my emotions all over the place and used tissues littered all around us. It had been like reliving the experience all over again and it tore me apart to pieces.
"That bitch!" Lee kept repeating over and over again.
I didn't say anything to her just allowed her to hold me as I cried in her lap and she soothed me by running her hands through my hair.
"I understand why you made the decision that you made. I know it couldn't have been an easy one Lee but Mason is just as much of a victim as you are. Maybe you guys could have figured it out." Lee said and I took a few breaths to calm myself before replying.
"If Mason chose me he would hate me in the future for taking me away from his mom and if he chose his mom he would have hated his mother for breaking us up. I had to do it for him." I explained.
Lee nodded in understanding and continued to stroke my hair. I may have liked feeling numb but letting all my emotions run free might have been a tad bit painful but it reminded me that what Mason and I had was real. I had to find a way cherish those memories because they would give me purpose.
I don't think I would ever really be able to move on from Mason but I could try and live my life. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I had to at least try my best. I would start with getting food in my system and then attending the practical exams I had soon. I needed to start living my life again one step at a time.
"Am hungry." I said into the silence making Lee laugh.
"Good I am too and that is a problem I can solve. Ill fix us something to eat but I have to say something first." I nodded and she continued. "B you are one of the strongest people I know. Yes you have your ups and downs but which normal human being doesn't. You have been hurt over and over by douche bags but you always rise up like a Phoenix better and stronger. I know this time it's gonna be especially hard but I know you do it. The pain will be there but it will remind you that you are strong besides the pain and you can keep moving forward. I love you bestie and I will always be here for you." She said all that and it made me feel like crying but I had run out of tears for the day.
" I love you too." I replied pulling her in for a hug. "Maybe I can get a Phoenix tattoo this time." I joked and Lee slapped me playfully pulling away.
"If you get another tattoo I will tell on you to your mother." She threatened getting off the bed.
"Stop threatening me with my mother." I demanded picking up my now melted tub of ice cream.
I couldn't let it go to waste so I drunk it like a milkshake. It actually wasn't that bad.
"Never. I know you want her to believe you're the prefect daughter so if you want me to keep up with the lies then behave. No more tattoos." She replied with a smug look as she started peeling some potatoes.
"If only you and your mom weren't so close I would ruin you." I thought out loud and she laughed.
Lee told her mom ever single thing. They never had secrets, they were basically more of sisters than mother and daughter.
"Keep wishing." Lee replied.
I may not be okay right now but I would be sooner or later. I was strong like Lee had said. I just had to prove it to myself one more time by getting through this.
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Love@Lyssah.