The click of the doorknob wakes me up the next morning. I've always been a light sleeper, when I'm not hungover, and I sit bolt upright, staring at the knob with wide eyes as it turns. I reach for my phone beside the bed, holding it like a weapon instead of using it to call someone.
I'm being robbed. I'mâ
"Nessa?"
No. I'm not Nessa. But Nessa is staring at me from the other side of the door as it swings open.
"Why do you look like you're going to try and clobber me with your iPhone?" she asks cautiously.
I let out a breath. "I thought you were a burglar."
She laughs, dragging her suitcase inside. "What did you take last night?" she asks.
"I'm not high," I mutter. "Just didn't sleep well."
That's the truth. I felt guilty after running out on Amy, and guilty about feeling guilty, and half excited for Nessa to come home in the morning and half dreading it. Looking at her now feels a little bit like sacrilege. Like coming home to your partner one day and saying, "I don't love you anymore." That love, however painful, has been my only constant companion for the last five years, and the possibility that it's ebbing away is unsettling.
I'm a hypocrite. Pushing for change in the world and cringing away from it in my world.
"Could've fooled me," Nessa comments, and I look up, blinking. What are we even talking about?
"How was your trip?" I stammer, tripping over my own tongue as I pull myself up to the head of my bed and lean against the wall.
Nessa flops down at my feet. "Exhausting," she groans. "Celebrating St. Patty's Day in an Irish family?"
"Half of campus is probably just as shot right now," I say through déjà vu.
She rolls onto her side, staring up at me through her eyelashes. "True."
I gaze back, my eyes losing focus until all I can really make out is the crown of fire she always wears. Like a formidable queen. I still love her. I can't not. But it feels...different, now.
"Do you believe in soulmates?" I ask randomly.
Nessa lifted herself up on her elbows her curiosity piqued. "Did you meet someone last night?" she asks like a detective smelling a lead.
"No," I say quickly, even as Connor's comment about checking out the bartender flickers through my mind. "I was just curious."
"Ooookay," she says slowly, doing nothing to hide her suspicion. "I mean, I guess I do."
I nod absently.
"Do you?" she returns the question.
"No." I don't even think about my answer. It's as automatic as loving her has been all these years.
Was what I felt even really love? Because its counterpartâhating Connorâhas come equally as easily. What kind of love bears hate? What kind of love makes you such a horrible person?
"Okay," Nessa brings me back to earth abruptly. "Whatever you got at that party last night must have been one hell of a trip. Why don't we order a pizza? I'm starving."
"That sounds amazing," I admit as my stomach growls. And I actually mean it this time. "I'm going to take a shower."
I grab my shower caddy and trudge down the hall. How is the morning after last night a bigger crash than any of the times I've been hungover?
I don't even wait for the water to warm up before I step under it. I let it batter goosebumps into my skin, then relish the heat when it finally starts to rise. I grimace as I remember running away from Amy last night. What if I threw away a chance at something great?
I shake my head. Even if it could happen, it won't. I'm here for a day, and then I turn it over to my younger, resentful self to moon over Nessa for a few more years. And then I leave. I'll never be made for this town. I'll never want to stay. I never come back here; only Nessa and Connor's wedding has been able to drag me back east after graduation.
Anything I might have done with Amy would have been as transient as all my other "relationships" in college. I'm starting to think that's just who I am.
I'm the training wheels on a bicycle. Eventually unnecessary and not even straight enough to touch the ground at the same time.
I shut off the water. Is this it? Is this the lesson I'm supposed to learn? Maybe I'm supposed to embrace Connor and Nessa's magnet love so I can finally move forward in time and go on being a nomad for the rest of my life.
Love's vagabond.
By the time I get back to our room, I'm ready. Slap a bow in my hand and call me Cupid. When the knock sounds, I already know who's on the other sideâwhich is why I step behind the door as Nessa opens it, watching silently.
Her face slackens, just like it always does the first time she meets him, and her breathless "Hi" is so faint I almost don't hear it.
"Hi," Connor says, and a small smile finds its way to my lips. I think, if I had to give her up to anyone, he's the perfect choice.
"Um, thank you, here"âshe fumbles with a wad of money and then gives up, just handing at all overâ"keep the change."
"That's very generous of you," he comments. I imagine the goofy smile that somehow only reaches one corner of his mouth, but both of his eyes.
"Yeah," Nessa agrees, leaning on the doorknob like it's a crutch. Then she shakes herself. "I mean, of you, to bring the pizza...."
"Well it's my job, so...."
"Oh. Right."
Her eyes cut to me in an almost accusing glare. I hold my hand up to my face, spreading my thumb and pinky fingers to mime a phone.
"I have to take a phone call," Nessa says all in a rush as she turns back to Connor.
I hear shuffling and see him move back into the hall through the slit against the wall. "Oh, I'm sorry, don't let me keep you."
I throw up my hands as Nessa shuts the door. "What the hell was that?"
She looks offended. "What was what?"
"'I have to take a phone call'?" I quote.
She shrugs.
"Give him your number, you idiot!"
"I can't just give out my number to delivery boys!" she hisses.
"Oh, right, that's why you were undressing each other in the doorwayâhere." I grab a napkin from the top of the pizza box, scribble her phone number down on it, and then trade her the box for the napkin. She's too confused to resist as I push her back out into the hall, making sure to slam the door hard enough to make Connor turn around.
I sit down on my bed and lift the lid, inhaling deeply. Without waiting for Nessa to come back, I grab a slice and groan.
It's just as good as I remember.
* * *
Hello! I know this was a short chapter, so there's another one right after. Just keep scrolling!
And once again, THANK YOU so much for hanging in there this long! I can't say how much I appreciate it!