"Yeah, um," I swallow forcefully hoping that the right words spill out of my mouth instead of 'I want you to take me right on this table in front of all of these people because my entire body is on fire. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. All I can concentrate on is the feeling of Charlie's strong legs encasing mine. Charlie smirks, almost like he knows what he's doing to me by trapping me in this position. I blink, trying hard to keep a clueless expression. I'm not going to allow this man in front of me to know just how much he's affecting me "I, um, wasn't there when Byrne covered it in class. Which is partly your fault."
"I'm never going to live that one down, am I?" Although, there's a playful glint in his eyes there's also a hint of seriousness in his tone.
I open my mouth to disagree but nothing comes out. Because the truth is we both know every time I try to forgive Charlie, he gives me another reason not to. I look away from him to my laptop, unable to hold his gaze. "I have gone over the notes by myself but I still don't get it."
It's better to focus on maths than the reality of my current situation. I am insanely attracted to the guy in front of me who's not here to apologise for kissing his girlfriend in my presence or here to tell me that he's insanely attracted to me too and wants a replay of the moment we shared two days ago. Yet, I haven't fully forgiven him for the sh*the put me through. Like announcing on the tv that I slept with him for an article.
I'd be lying if the reality of it all didn't sting a little bit.
"It's okay. We can go through it again," he reassures, leaning in a little too close as we stare at the laptop. I have to remind myself to continue breathing "whenever you see a question that's asking for anything other than the z-score, all you have to do is flip the formula around-" Charlie points at the screen, his tattoos peeking out from underneath his sleeves "-here it says to find the height. You have the SD which is 8, you have a z-score of 1.5SDs and a mean height of 146cm. Do you remember the formula I gave to you earlier?"
I was focused on the rumbling of his steady voice. On how I never imagined Charlie, the school's star player, would be sitting in front of me teaching me maths that I didn't expect him to turn to me or ask me any questions. I'm caught off guard by the proximity of our faces-not close enough to be anything sexual, but close enough that I feel every bit of me boil.
I groan. "um, Z= SD-observed /mean?"
"Wrong. Do you want to try again?"
And because I can't handle being under his scrutiny, I shake my head almost vigorously. I huff out in frustration. Not at maths, but myself, for feeling like this. I've never felt this way before and I'm handling it wrong.
God, I need help.
"Z= observed - mean /SD. Have you got a pen-" I nod, glad for a reason to look away and get myself together. I ruffle through my pencil case for a black pen and hand it to him. Charlie's finger grazes mine lightly and I have to stop myself from snatching my hands and pretend nothing happened. But as I zip up my case I can't help but wonder if I'm doing to him the things he's doing to me. I doubt it. I sneak a look at him as he scribbles on a piece of printing paper. Someone who's losing it wouldn't be able to think straight, let alone solve a maths problem. When he finishes, he passes what appears to be formulas to me.
"Your writing looks like a font," I blurt. "It's pretty."
Charlie snorts as he rests back in his seat. "That's funny. My mum used to yell at me for how bad my writing was. It's the reason why I hate writing." My eyes flick to him because I'm shocked that he's sharing that information with me. I know it's true because I've never seen him make notes in Byrne's class. I can't believe I didn't think it was weird that he came to class empty-handed. But then again I didn't peg him for the type to. Holding a book isn't exactly part of his aesthetic.
"Was it just your mum growing up?" I ask against all my better judgement.
He's taken aback by my question. I can tell by the furrow between his eyebrows. Charlie's eyes are heavy on my face making me regret asking the question in the first place. I shouldn't have but I blame it on the insatiable need to get to know him. To know more about him than what he lets off.
"Pretty much." He replies.
I wait for him to elaborate but when he doesn't, I look back to the paper in my hands. It made me realise just how much Charlie is fighting me getting to know him. He'd rather be this distant, unattached person than let me get to know him. But I know there's a part of him that doesn't want to keep up the tough act. I saw him that night at midnight madness.
"I'm sorry," I hear Charlie apologise and as an afterthought, he adds "my biography is not something I particularly enjoy talking about."
"Yeah, right along with everything else." I hate that I sound how I feel. Frustrated. Hurt. Maybe even a little upset at him. Our eyes meet and I sigh tiredly, pushing my hurt aside "what I mean is you make it difficult to, like, get to know you."
Charlie continues to eye me like he knows exactly what I'm thinking and I hate that I can't figure out what he's thinking in that head of his. My hand reaches out to fiddle with one of the empty coffee cups on the table.
"Maybe it's easier that way." He says, jaw ticking as he returns his gaze to my laptop. I feel my heart sink to my stomach as I force myself to ignore the confusion of his words "You have to keep those formulas at the back of your mind. You can't do much without them."
I nod, looking over the content of the page again "got it."
"Once you swap the formulas around, the division becomes multiplication-"
I place my elbow on the table and rest my face on my palm "Why?"
He shrugs "it's just a rule of math, sophomore. I don't get to question it."
"I get that but, like, don't you think it would have been so much easier if we left it how it was?"
If Charlie thinks that the very questions that keep me up at night sometimes is stupid, he doesn't show it. Instead, his lips twitch amusedly as he replies "Hmm. Why don't I call Achilles to see if he's available to change the rule people have been using for decades and get back to you-" I play off my smile with an eye roll even though he's earning points for pulling off sarcasm "-of course, I don't know why mathematicians did what they did, I'm just taking this class because I needed some extra credit and Human Sexuality was full."
"You were going to take Human Sexuality?" I scrunch my face.
"It was the only enticing easy A class available for the year. Besides, I'd rather learn about the factors that influence sexual behaviour than biostatistics proportions."
I cock my head slightly, "because you learnt nothing from your hoe-ish phase last year?"
Charlie lets out a surprised laugh "My what-ish?"
I smile "Don't act like you don't know you've got a bit of a reputation amongst the ladies."
"I don't, actually. This is news to me." Charlie leans in, and if I'm not already distracted by the warmness of his thighs touching mine the playful glint in his eyes does the job "what is it that they say about me?"
I clear my throat, fold my hands and lean back in my seat to put some distance between us "I'm afraid if we start talking about it we won't be done here till Christmas."
This pulls out yet another laughter from him and I feel my chest swell with pride for being the source of the spectacular sound. I can't help the little giggle that escapes me right after.
"Shh." One of the three girls (all gymnasts as they're wearing the blue UCLA gymnast crop top) sitting adjacent to us hisses at me, causing my cheeks to fill with pink. My smile fades as I lock eyes with her. Not only does she glare at me like a troubled spirit but she turns to her friends and whispers something that makes them laugh. They all stare at me right after confirming my suspicion.
They're talking about me. Obviously, for that matter.
Charlie cluelessly continues "As I was saying before I was interrupted, it becomes 146 minus 1.5 times by-"
But I'm not paying attention anymore. Every time I try to shrug it off and concentrate on what he's saying, I get that overwhelming sense of someone watching me and my eyes flick over to the trio of gymnasts who unsurprisingly are still whispering and giggling. I should ignore it but one of them now has her phone out showing something to the rest. I can't help but think of the video that floated around the internet about me.
It made me feel stupid and small. Like I was back in high school again. My belly twists uncomfortably and I know without a doubt that I have to get out of here.
I pull my laptop towards me and shut it, cutting Charlie off. "You know-um, I-I think I have to go-" I arrange my papers into my folder and slide my laptop inside its case "-I totally forgot I had this-thing that I have to do before midnight."
Not my finest lying moment but I'm not the best at lying when I'm anxious.
Charlie arches an eyebrow. But I'm already stuffing my things into my bag. Our legs occasionally bump into each other as I squirm around in my seat to get everything packed away so that I can get out of this semi mortifying situation.
"What thing?"
Yeah Lorraine, what thing?
"Meditation," I blurt. Charlie's eyebrows raise in subtle surprise. I swallow as I nod my head "yeah, I'm sort of into the yoga scene right now." I push past Charlie's legs and slide right out of my chair. I miss the warmth of his legs next to mine.
"Yoga, huh?" He asks, almost like he's onto my bullshit.
I hitch my shoulder on my bag "It's good for flexibility-" our eyes meet and I can tell immediately that both our minds are in the mud "-amongst other non-sexual things that it's good for." I wince when I realise I'm literally digging myself into a bigger hole.
The girls are still staring at me like I've got something that they want. That something would be Charlie. My level of anxiety was reaching an all-time high and my hands start to fidget with my tote strap.
"Do you wanna-can we get out of here?" I plead with my eyes. He frowns, obviously surprised at the sudden change in tone and behaviour "please?"
Charlie, a man who can already sense something is wrong, looks around the room for potential danger before returning his gaze to me "Sure. Come on."
It's not until about 15 minutes later, sitting outside Young's waiting for Charlie to return with our order that I feel like I can breathe again. The night air feels raw against my skin that's bare in the flimsy white silk camisole and blue denim mum shorts I'm wearing. The level of deja vu that I'm feeling as Charlie approaches with my food in his hand is extreme. Although, it was only two months ago that Charlie was asking me to be his fake girlfriend it seems like centuries ago. It feels like so much has changed when in fact not a lot has. If we ignore the huge crush/sexual attraction I'm starting to have for the guy, nothing has changed really.
He's still an ass.
The smell of Parker's infamous pad Thai hits my nose and pulls me back to the present. I inhale deeply, a smile making its way to my face. I throw Parker a big smile of appreciation when he places my free sides in front of me.
"You spoil me too much Parker."
Parker waves me off as Charlie settles in front of me with his own food. "How come I don't get sh*t for free when I come here all the time?"
"Because we happen to like Lorraine. You, we're just tolerating for free away tickets."
Charlie raises his eyebrows playfully "I see."
"Enjoy you two." Parker smiles as he walks to the girl that's just walked up to the trailer "hello darling, what can I get you-"
Immediately Parker's out of earshot, Charlie turns to his food. "Wanna tell me what happened back at the library?" He asks in between bites of Tteokbokki. I never knew someone chewing could look so good. Charlie is eating in the most guyish way possible-large spoonful like he wants to inhale the whole meal all at once-but all I can think about is how his tongue darts out to lick the tiny speck of sauce on his lips.
I focus on my own bowl of chicken pad Thai to avert his gaze. "what are you talking about?" I ask, twirling some noodles around my chopsticks "nothing happened. I already told you I have a thing-"
"Yoga-"
"-yes. Yoga" I mumble through a mouthful of food. A little too confident for someone who's lying and finds yoga highly difficult to practice "it's a form of meditation. Helps calm me down."
"And keeps you flexible too, I reckon." Charlie smirks as he pops food into his mouth. "What's your favourite position?" I try hard not to choke on my food. Not only would that be disgusting, it'd also be extremely embarrassing "you know, being that you're working on your flexibility and all."
"Downward dog."
Which is not entirely a lie. It's the only Yoga pose I can actually manage to be in for more than 15 seconds.
"Is that the one where you keep your legs open?" I can't help the laugh that eludes me at his question. Especially when he looks like he's not joking. Charlie smiles dazzlingly "it's not it?"
"No," I laugh, shaking my head "no, that's called happy baby. Not a very comfortable position to be in."
By the look on Charlie's face, we're both conjuring up a mental image of me in that position and my face immediately feels warm.
Except I'm imagining him on top of me.
"We could meditate together. Work on a few positions."
Hi guys, I know that it's been a while and I genuinely feel like I owe you guys a big explanation as to why updates are really slow. So I don't know if you guys know this but I am a first year nursing student, and in the uk we have to complete a certain amount of clinical hours by the end of our course and for my first year I have to complete 560 hours. The hospital I've been allocated is a good two hours from where I live and I barely get enough sleep to function talkless of read a book or even write ð. So that's the biggest thing stopping me from updating.
And I have this anxiety with uploading now bc I feel like no one cares about this book anymore bc I've been neglecting wattpad so much. Sigh, plus I've just got so much going on as well. But I'm sorry guys, I'll try my best to update as early as I can but writing right now is just difficult! And it's not even because I've got writers block or anything!! It's just bc I simply don't have the time to. Sometimes I even forget I've got this app on my phone which is so bad. But most days I really miss just being able to read books and peoples comments and announcements and just engaging with people on this app. Anyways, my placement ends in on the 4th of July (even though by then I still wouldn't have completed my hours but I acc can't kill myself atp) I'll be back. Now this doesn't mean I'm not updating until the 4th of July. Don't get me wrong. I'll still be writing but it just might take a little bit longer.
Ok/ enjoy guys. I feel like I'm talking too much now.