They say you go through 5 stages of grief.
First, it's denial. I spent 72 hours of my life laying in bed, staring at a wall and telling myself nothing is going on-that everything would be fine-as I conveniently ignored the sh*tstorm happening in the little apple device that my friends eventually decided to leave on my nightstand. I think they finally realised they couldn't hide my phone away from me forever. Or maybe they did it to get a reaction out of me-I'm pretty sure I freaked them out by not leaving my bed for days (well except to meet the delivery guy)
Whatever the reason must have been, it worked. The moment I picked it up and went on my social media account, I successfully made it into the second stage-Anger.
For me, this was a needed stage. Reading those comments and seeing what people said about me made me so mad. Another 4 days was spent hating everything and everyone. I was determined to make everyone's life miserable, which now looking back at it was kind of selfish as the people at the end of my wrath were my friends and parents. They who had absolutely nothing to do with the problem.
There was a silver lining though-on the second day of my anger phase, I managed to get out of bed, stress cleaned whilst listening to aggressive heavy metal rock music which I have no business with, emailed my teachers about my absence from missed classes and got some work done.
It's funny how motivated you are when you don't give a shit about the world.
And then on the 4th day, two songs into Let it bleed by the Rolling Stones and my fingers tapping seamlessly along to the beat against the keyboard of my laptop, a thought popped into my head (cue the bargaining stage.) If I made a video explaining my part of the story, maybe everyone would finally see that I'm not the kind of person I've been painted out to be. Determined to make things go back to normal, I woke up the next day and made note of a few points I needed to address before sitting in front of my camera.
The depression stage wasted no time in showing up. As soon as I pressed that record button, a feeling of patheticness (if that's even a word) engulfed me in whole making me feel like a bigger looser than Jim Levenstein -and we all know that dude was a loser. No offence to the producers of American Pie.
Why would anyone care about what I've got to say? It seems like they've all made up their mind. Besides how many minds am I planning to change exactly? They'll probably see the video and find something else to say. I've seen so many celebrities get their apology videos dragged in the mud-not saying that the situations can be compared but it is quite similar.
I don't understand why anyone would want to say vile things about other people-someone they don't know on a situation they know nothing about. No matter what, I never make a nasty comment under celebrity drama posts because:-
1. I believe in the karma which has forced me to become a fairly decent human being.
2. You can never know the true story. These accounts will say anything to cause drama and satisfy their audience (and yes, that's the reason I'm following the gossip accounts because everyone want a bit of drama in their life. Most people just don't know how to react nicely to it and that sucks.)
But even with that, I got dealt the bad hand and that made me sad. I moped around for days. Once again, I had no reason to get out of bed or do anything worthwhile. I binged in every sense of the word-food, movies, tv-shows-that I lost track of time. That's until my friends had enough of me and planned an intervention. All three barged into my room with determined looks.
"What are you guys doing?" I asked in a monotone. My own voice sounded foreign to my ears-I hadn't spoken for days.
"Lorraine, I know it f*cking sucks what happened but you have been moping around and feeling sorry for yourself for way too long now." Elle said as she pulls off the sheets from under me.
"And you've been missing all your classes which is so not you." Shadé added, her face scrunched up as she continued to clear out the place.
"Not to talk about ignoring the people who are only trying to help-" Samantha placed my laptop on my dresser before pulling open the curtains "us, it's understandable because we're your friends and we can take the heat, but your parents?" She shakes her head "no child."
"They have no idea what's going on. Your mum's worried sick." Shade added.
"So now, you're going to get in the shower while we clean up this mess and you get your sh*t back together. Literally."
When I don't move, I see fear flash in Sam's eyes like I'm a failed cause or something and they're about to loose me to some impending doom. Samantha perched herself on the bed, her eyes not leaving my face.
"Look, we know what happened was horrible and unexpected but you know and we know it's not the truth and that's all that matters," she waved her hand between her and the girls and they nod in approval "Who cares if some guy named mriconic who probably lives in a shoebox and doesn't have no food in his fridge thinks you slept with Charlie? These people don't know you, they're just talking sh*t because it's easier to do that than fix their own lives. Don't let it get to you and stop you from living your life." Sam pauses and I let her words digest "besides, we've been reporting the posts and most of them have been taken down."
I know it's bad that it wasn't until I heard the last sentence that I decided to get out of bed, accepting that this was supposed to happen to me. After a hug from each one of them, I retreated to the bathroom and shaved every hairy part of my body, washed my hair and conditioned it and then stayed under the shower for more than 30 minutes, letting the steamy water soothe every part of my body.
Under the shower, left with nothing but the sound of the running water and my thoughts, I realised that my biggest fear was leaving our apartment.
Invisibility was my superpower-has always been. I was never the hot girl that turned heads as she walked down the corridor or that happy go lucky girl who was liked by everyone. I was never popular or known. I was just me-the girl so quiet she was nicknamed a mute. And even with all of that behind me, I never got out of my shell. Worrying too much about what people would think about me if I acted a certain way has stopped me from doing a lot of things and it continues to do so. Now, my biggest fear is walking out that door or to my class and people looking me differently or with judgement in their eyes because they think they know what I've done.
And then there's that one person I never want to see again. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil. But no matter how angry I am, there's that fear of seeing him again. How am I going to act? How are the people around us going to act? How is he going to act? Knowing fully well what he's done. Knowing fully well he lied on my name and put me in a position where I've been called out and dragged by his minions. Whatever happens all I was sure about was that I wanted nothing to do with him again.
After my bath, I walked into my freshly cleaned room. My room was back to normal, everything was tidied- fresh white sheets replaced the unclean ones and they even lit some candles. And then I realised something else-I must be doing something right because I've got the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. Which is why I'm currently packing my suitcase for Dante's birthday/Halloween party at Sawyer Harrington's private beach house.
I couldn't possibly say no to my friends when they asked me to tag along no matter how much I wanted to. There's so many reasons why I shouldn't be at that party which are-a lot of people that I don't know will be there and there's a high chance that they saw what happened and have an opinion about me. Charlie will most definitely be there-and I wasn't planning on seeing him until my next Statistics class. But Shadé made a good point in saying if I can survive the weekend, then I can put what's happened behind me and move on from it. I can't be scared forever and eventually I'd have to face the world.
Besides, Elle found out from her swimming team buddies who are friends with Rex that he'll be there for the weekend. The girls were quick to come up with operation dinosaur-get a date with Rex by the end of the weekend.
As I check my suitcase to make sure I have everything I need, Elle walks through my open door. She's wearing white hot pants and a light blue camisole. Her blonde hair has just been freshly curled and her makeup is on the natural side, giving her the typical surfer girl look.
"You ready?" She asks adjusting her necklace as she stares at herself in my mirror. Elle eyes my suitcase through the mirror. "You do realise we're only going to be there for 2 days and 2 nights right?"
"Yeah." I reply absentmindedly, still double checking up on my things. When I'm 100% certain that I have everything I need for the weekend, I pull the side carry handle so that I can close the slightly overpacked suitcase before looking at Elle. "I don't want a situation where I don't have what I need. Is your friend outside?" I lift the suitcase off my bed and push it next to the door so I can do some last minute cleaning of my room before we leave.
"I just got off the phone with him. He should be here in a few minutes."
***
Ten minutes later, we're all going down the stairs since the elevator is out of service for the day which sucks because we stay on the 5th floor. We're huffing and puffing by the time we get to the second floor- unlike the elevator, the stairway has no inbuilt air conditioning.
"The elevator better be fixed by the time we get back because I'm not going through this again." Samantha complains "This is torture."
"Tell me about it." I murmur as someone's phone starts to ring. Elle rolls her eyes as she answers her phone.
"Hey Liam, are you outside?....Yeah, we're coming out now...." she rolls her eyes dramatically before announcing "he's outside and we're "keeping him waiting.""
"For the record, I don't like that we're going with this guy." Samantha picks up her bag as we continue our journey to the last floor where Shadé's waiting "he's a douche."
"Well for some reason he drives a f*cking minivan and we're all gonna fit." Elle holds the door open for us to walk through and I mutter a thank you as a I walk past her. "Plus he promised to drive us back as well which means we get to save cab money."
Liam Standhall is one of Elle's many suitors. Elle has no interest whatsoever in the guy and has made it clear but he's quite persistent and wouldn't leave her alone-to the point where he offers to drive her and her three friends to a party which he's not invited to by the way. I don't mind Liam because I think he's a decent guy however Sam and Shadé swear he's a douche.
The only fit one amongst us, thanks to her running at least twice in a week, is already outside of the complex, scrolling through the phone as she waits by the car with her overnight bag sitting on her shoulder. Her brown legs are glistening underneath the LA sun and it's all Liam seems to be staring at in a huge perverted way.
"Okay, I totally see it now." I mumble as we push our bags towards the car with gloomy faces. It's about to be a long ass ride.
***
A 40 minutes journey turned into an 8 hour one with Liam's minivan breaking down halfway there. No matter how hard we tried to persuade him to leave the car and call Triple A, he wouldn't listen. "I grew up in an auto garage, this is what I do." Yet he couldn't fix the damn thing for 8 hours. It was torture to say the least. We had to sit in the car for hours because he wouldn't let us help -which I guess is nice because we have no idea what to do but it would have been nicer if he let us order the extra large Uber and called AAA to fix the bloody minivan.
And then when we finally started making our way again he decided to talk about Charlie's video which got Elle so mad because she specifically told him not to talk about it or ask me any questions about it. But even though she came to my defence it scared me to think that I'm going to a place where potentially everyone knows about it and will ask if they see me.
"We are here." Liam announces the words that I've been dreading since I got in the minivan as he pulls into the large mansion. Getting in was hard enough with nobody answering the intercom linking the electric gates to the house. Until Dante Kingsley finally answered and let us in. Everyone's so tired and I doubt we're interested in the faraway party I can hear going on somewhere inside the house. I personally would like to retreat to the room Dante has reserved for Sam and hide away for the rest of the night. "Everyone okay?"
Shadé and Samantha simply ignore Liam and get out of the minivan but Elle and I manage to mumble a small thank you before getting out as well. As we get our things out of the car, someone comes out of the house. It's dark outside so it's hard to see who it is until the figure got closer. I feel panic rise in my chest at the thought of who it might be and what they'll think when they see me. The moment that I'm fearing is here and I hate it. It's happening too quick.
"You guys made it." It's Dante Kingsley. He's holding a red cup in his hand and a bunch of keys in the other. He sounds surprised that we're here which is funny because he invited us. Well he invited Samantha and Elle and Shadé got an invite from Aarti. Come to think of it Liam and I are actually on the same boat. We're here without an actual invitation.
"Yeah we did. Sorry we're late. We got stuck in a ditch somewhere." Samantha explains "oh and happy birthday by the way."
"Thanks." He smiles sheepishly "how did you guys get here."
"He-" Elle looks around for Liam but he's nowhere to be found "my friend brought us. I think he's gone in."
"Hey, lorraine." Dante stuffs his keys in his back pocket before putting his hand up for a friendly hi five which surprises me. I don't know what shocks me more, the handshake or the fact that remembers me. Well of course he does. My article has been around. Something Melissa Huntley has personally thanked me for.
"Hey Dante." His easy smile puts me at ease and I raise my hand up to meet his before he pulls me into a side hug. I don't know if I imagined it but he gives me a little squeeze. Like the one you'd give a friend to let them know you're sorry about something that's happened. I realised in his own little way, he's apologising for his friend's action without having to make it awkward for me and that made me relax even more. "Happy birthday." I add.
"Thank you." He replies as he releases me. "Ok so here's the deal girls. I didn't think you'd come and I kinda gave your designated room away." Dante admits and we all laugh "is it cool if I took you guys somewhere else? It's way better than here."
"You're leaving your own party?" Elle asks.
Dante turns to look at the house and we can hear the music and laughter floating towards us "Yeah I don't think anyone gives a f*ck." he says on a small laugh "besides, I promised Sam a room, I can't leave you ladies stranded." Well we have no choice but to say yes. We need somewhere to stay for the weekend. So Dante downed the remnant of his cup before tossing it aside and leading us to his car. "In case y'all are wondering, that's just cranberry juice."
The drive's relatively short. We were there in about 5 minutes. It's a similar looking mansion with only a few cars outside. As we get in through the gates, Dante explains that the house belongs to his friend's dad but only gets used once in a while so they're borrowing it for the weekend.
"Is he going to be okay with us staying here? Last thing we want is to inconvenient anybody." Shadé asks what I'm thinking as we walk towards the large door that leads to the house.
"Nah it's cool." Dante's gaze settles on me before he pushes the door open "I'm sure he wouldn't mind having you guys here."
As soon as we step inside the foyer of the mansion, I'm mesmerised. It's truly beautiful. The foyer has the tallest ceiling I've seen with a beautiful crown moulding holding an exquisite chandelier. The golden lights reflect on the ceramic tiled floors, giving it a luminous glow. In the middle sits a table looking like it's from the 19s on top of an artistic beige carpet. There's a small opening in the middle of the foyer-going forward it leads to the set of stairs with gold railings and a corridor that most likely leads to other parts of the house.
"Yo, Charlie! Come down here." Dante hollers. If takes a second for me to realise the name he's just said.
Charlie? Oh no.
I send a panicked look to Elle who sends a worried look to Dante. "It's fine, trust me." Dante reassures but it does nothing to calm me down. No it's not fine. This is the complete opposite of fine. I don't know who I expected it to be but I definitely didn't expect it to be Charlie.
A girl wearing nothing but a skimpy green bikini climbs down the stairs. Her jet black hair is wet and it looks like she just came out of the shower.
"Where's murtaugh?" Dante asks her but the girl replies by giving us death looks. I'm too mortified by the last name I just heard to care. I don't know why I hoped there would somehow be another Charlie. "Is he in?"
"I left him in the shower." She says proudly almost like it's an achievement and I hear one of my friends snigger loudly. "He should be out soon." The girl adds sharply before rolling her eyes and walking out through the door.
"What's her problem?" Samantha questions and Shadé says something in reply but I don't hear it. Whatever it is she said makes everyone laugh.
"Charlie, get out here!" Dante's deep voice booms loudly in the foyer, the sound adding to my anxiety. "Murtaugh!"
"What the f*ck do you want dude, I was in the damn -oh." He stops talking as soon as he sees us. Just as the girl said, his wet hair confirms he was in the shower. I hate to think about what they were doing in the shower together. Or what they did before. Charlie walks down the stairs slowly, his exposed abs glistening with water- only a white towel wrapped around his waist. I swallow nervously as I try to calm my racing heart. I pull out my phone quickly and open up a random app to appear uninterested. Anything to keep my eyes off his exposed chest or face. Anything to avoid conversation. To avoid contact. Anything to avoid him. "I didn't know you brought guests."
"I didn't think they'd make it, you know, all things considered." All things considered. The whole room understands exactly what he meant by that "I ended up giving their room to Ryan's friends. Is it alright if they crashed here for the weekend?"
"We shouldn't even have to ask." I hear Elle say before Charlie can reply. Her tone is hard and I can tell she's about to get real mouthy "he owes us, big time."
"Of course they can stay here." Charlie replies. His voice is different. They sound strange to my ears. Maybe it's because I haven't heard it in a while or it's the guilt. "pick a room."
Nobody says thank you.
"This way." Dante directs, walking towards the stairs Charlie came down from. My heart is racing wildly in my chest as I pull up the handle to my hand luggage and start rolling it towards the stairs. I stick close to Shadé as we walk past Charlie and keep my eyes fixated on the stairs. It's not until we get into a room on the second floor that I let out a breath of relief.
I don't wait for the conversation happening between Dante and the girls. I walk straight into the linked bathroom and shut the door to keep myself locked in. I stand behind the door and remind myself to breathe and breathe and breathe again.
I have no idea how I'm going to survive being under the same roof as Charlie but I know this is about to be a long ass weekend.