Chapter 29: Chapter Twenty-Nine

RAE

“Take the rest of the day off” are some of the best words a person can hear. That is, unless they’re followed by “I have something important to discuss with you; call me when you get home” and that person has anxiety.

Then, they’re the worst words in the universe.

I nearly call my brother’s friend Chad instead of Caroline when I try to select her contact with trembling fingers. This is it. I’m fired.

I thought I was doing well at the gallery where I’ve been working since the contract with Colton Pharmaceutical ended, but apparently not.

I’m going to be living in a cardboard box by the end of the year. I can feel it.

“Hi, Rae! Happy Friday,” Caroline says cheerily.

Would someone about to terminate an employee sound so happy? Maybe. I guess if the employee were bad enough. ~Am I bad enough~?

“Hi, Caroline.”

“Doing anything fun this weekend?”

I hate small talk, but it’s better than getting fired. “Uh, no plans. Probably just hanging out with my roommate. What about you?”

“The girls have a dance recital tomorrow.”

“Oh, that’s so cute!” I try to keep my voice upbeat. I’m pretty sure I fail miserably. Faking happiness isn’t my strong suit.

“I’ll bring pictures Wednesday.”

~I’m invited to the Wednesday team meeting~? “I’m not fired?” I blurt out.

I gasp at my own words. ~Please, universe, tell me I did not just say that~. I did ~not~ just exclaim “I’m not fired?” to my manager.

Caroline laughs softly. “Why would you be fired?”

I gulp for air. “You had something important to talk about,” I mumble.

“Something important about your job, which you still have, Rae. Quincy Ventures requested you for the remaining two weeks of their contract. I told them we’ll get back to them.

“With Cadence Gallery having wrapped up today, you’re available to return to Quincy, but I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable work environment.”

I’m dizzy. Did Logan ask for me to come back now that we’re together?

Returning to Quincy means dealing with Taylor and Michael, but it also means seeing Logan every day. Also, maybe more office sex.

“I’ll do it.”

“You sure?” Caroline doesn’t sound like she believes me, which is fair. I’m not even sure ~I~ believe me.

“Yes. It was, uh, an interesting assignment. I liked working on social media.”

“Alright. I’ll call them back. You’re a trooper, Rae. Any funny business there from that CMO, and I want you to come straight to me. Got it?”

“Got it,” I confirm.

“Great. You can report there Monday. Stop by the Jade office after. I want to know how your first day is.”

“Okay. Sure. Yeah, I will.”

“Thanks, Rae. Have a nice weekend.”

“You too. Have fun at the recital.”

I hang up, grinning like a moron, stretching my cheeks so far I’ll probably need Botox in a couple of years. Jake never made me feel this way, so head over heels, so ~wanted~.

The butterflies in my chest zip around like crazy when I see that Logan texted me while I was on the phone with Caroline. He probably wanted to give me a heads-up that he’d be requesting me back.

My smile drops when I read his text.

Then, my phone drops out of my hands.

Then, I drop.

Logan

Hey, Rae. I had a lot of fun this past week, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Logan

I’m looking for someone with more self-confidence and who’s able to commit to one man. I hope we can keep things professional at the office.

I’m still on the floor when Zoe finds me.

“Rae!” she exclaims. “Are you alright?”

I thrust my phone into her hands, and she gasps. “What the fuck is wrong with him?” she screams. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m going to fucking castrate him.”

“I t-t-told h-him ev-everything,” I sob. “About—” I gasp for air “—depression and anxiety, and he w-wants s-someone with more confidence.”

I’m bawling, curled up in the fetal position. My eyes are waterfalls. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. I’m beyond care. I’m so incredibly broken.

I gave Jake my heart. It wasn’t enough for him, and he cast it aside. How could I have been so stupid as to think that Logan would ever want my damaged soul? I was nothing but an easy lay and a free therapist.

And now I have to work with him for two weeks. I wail louder. Why would he ask for me to return to the office when he doesn’t want me? I don’t understand.

And then I do understand, and I convulse with sobs. He’s back together with Taylor, and she wants to rub it in my face. How could they have reconciled so quickly?

He just kissed me goodbye this morning, made love to me—his words!—last night…

Of course she’s what he wants after a week with me as his girlfriend. She’s beautiful, tall, thin, every adjective a man could ever want. I’m…me. Average-looking. Short.

Twenty pounds more than I weighed in college without even the slightest hope of dropping a single one. She’s confident, driven, intelligent, and I’m still, well, me.

Rae with the low self-esteem, Rae who prefers to hide behind the camera. I’m not dumb, but I’m not nearly as smart as Taylor or Logan or any of their finance colleagues. Not even close.

“Get up, Rae,” Zoe says firmly but softly.

I shake my head into the carpet.

“You have to sit up. I’m going to lift you onto the couch, alright?”

I nod, face still firmly planted against the carpet.

She hoists me onto the sofa. “Stay there. I’m going to get one of your emergency pills.”

I have a bottle of heavy-duty anxiety medication that lives in my bathroom cabinet. It’s a take-as-needed prescription that pretty much sends me into a haze and eventually to sleep.

As awful as anxiety is, I rarely want to disconnect with the world, so I only take it when I’m having a panic attack or if my anxiety gets so bad that it makes me physically ill (anxious puking is the worst).

I’m okay with disconnecting today.

When Zoe returns with the pill, I swallow it dry.

***

Saturday passes by in a daze. So does Sunday morning. Anxiety creeps into my core Sunday afternoon.

The English language doesn’t have the proper words to describe the physical toll anxiety takes on a person. Anxiety is a sharp pain and a dull ache. It’s a tug, a bottomless pit in your stomach.

Every second feels like the moment you realize you’re falling backward in your chair.

Sometimes, anxiety stays in my center. Those are the best days. On the worst, it occupies every square inch inside my body. It seeps in and expands, exerting pressure on my insides.

Anxiety is an explosion and an implosion all at once, tearing me apart and collapsing me into myself.

I almost call Caroline after lunch, but I don’t, because of anxiety, and because what would I say?

I only accepted the assignment because I fell head over heels for the CEO in what was definitely a breach of our contract? Not even Zoe could phrase that well.

The night before my first day at Quincy, I vowed to hide behind my lens as much as possible.

Tonight, I fall asleep hoping to achieve the same, though I highly doubt Taylor or Michael will grant me that mercy.