5-23-14
I seriously can't believe this was happening.
Of course I accepted his offer to hang out!
"Yeah for sure!!"
"Okay just let me know."
Kevin offered for us to hang out before he left.
I shouldn't be freaking out over this at 11:23pm at night. I should be finishing The Fault in Our Stars and going to sleep!
But sleep wasn't going to happen tonight.
I thought that this book was over after tonight.
Okay I take back what I said earlier. Miracles do happen, even for girls like me.
"Okay or you!"
"Whenever for me so up to you."
We both are so bad at this stuff.
And may I add that it's not very good that I'm his only best friend on snapchat.
Let's hope no one is creeping. But on the bright side, school's out! No confrontation from people! I can just delete the message.
5-28-14
Before I could talk myself out of it, I pressed send.
"Hey, are you busy next weekend?"
Of course I was talking to Scar about how I was totally freaking out.
He replied pretty quickly though.
The anxiety built as I opened the snapchat.
"Uh..I'm leaving next weekend lol why?"
If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of my heart breaking.
"Oh. I just thought we could hang out then.."
He hadn't responded. But he didn't have to.
I mean he didn't open it even so it's not like he's ignoring me.
It's just that, I procrastinated all week about asking him this and I finally do it and it's the weekend he's moving!
I found out through sources that he's moving four hours away with his mom and sister. His dad is staying for another year.
Something like, it got too hard for his mom to be traveling back and fourth to that city for so long that they decided to just move there.
So it's been an hour since I've sent the message and he has yet to open it.
Forget it.
I'm going to bed.
I couldn't go to bed.
I was literally just laying there.
So I picked up my phone again.
New snapchat from Kevin.
I gulped and quickly unlocked it.
"Dang! I'm sorry :("
I blinked away tears that threatened to fall.
Time to lie.
"It's okay! I'm sure you're busy packing all week until then."
I had to sell it, make it sound less upsetting. "Have a safe trip. Keep in touch :)"
I knew we wouldn't keep in touch. That wasn't us. But neither was this.
"Yeah damn I'm so sorry :("
And I'll admit by this, I was crying. It obviously showed how much we wanted to be with each other before he left.
"You really wanted to hang out before huh?"
"Yeah!!" He sent. He also sent a, "Ok for sure. goodnight(:"
"Goodnight (:"
"Yeah I really did too." I mean I had tears just never ending at this point.
We both wanted to hang out. I mean he really wanted to hang out with me.
I finally got my wish.
Kevin Brooks liked me.
It was just too late.
I laid down. That was probably the last conversation we would ever have.
I mean I wanted to hang out so badly but he had to pack. I understood that!
I just didn't want to realize that it was goodbye in less than a week and a half.
He was moving on the weekend of June 6th, 2014. That weekend's movie will be The Fault In Our Stars.
So thank God for that. It's a reason to cry 3x as much as I was planning on that night.
5-29-14
I had been literally so upset all day that I'd been sick.
Forcing myself to eat and to do my work.
I had been arguing with Sarah and Sami all morning.
Finally Sarah and I agreed to be happy on the terms that he liked me. Kevin Brooks liked me!
I demanded so many answers. I wanted to know why he kept it from me.
He's sitting here telling me that he's going to miss me and that he's so sorry and that he really wanted to hang out. Sending goodnight's with smiley faces and cursing because he's so mad it didn't work out.
I can't believe it took all of those things in one night for me to realize he liked me.
I'm not sure how long he's liked me. It may have been all year.
It could have been longer.
I just want to know why he didn't tell me?!
Why didn't he show me until now? Why did he choose now to let me in?
But like Sarah has been telling me in so many messages, I need to be happy that he likes me.
The Kevin Brooks likes me!
Sarah said that he likes me because I'm not a normal girl.
Yeah, what normal girl do you know that writes a book on her crush?
Haha no but I always listened to him, and wasn't afraid to call him out on things and/or hit him.
We worked perfectly together. There was never a dull moment with us.
I'm going to miss that so damn much.
With the reaction I've had from finding out he's leaving until this very moment as I type this, I do love Kevin.
I love the way he crinkles his nose when he laughs. Or when he scrunches his face up when he can't see. And let's not forget the everpresent buldging veins on his arms because God those were beautiful.
Oh and his bad tan line! I'll miss that too.
His shining brown eyes and flawless blonde hair.
The way he took forever to understand a simple task.
I'd miss all that and so much more.
I seriously think that if we did hang out, I would make a move on him. Like I'd give him a hug (like Dylan and I had shared) or I would kiss him.
God I would love for Kevin to be my first kiss.
Seriously even if I had had the chance of my first kiss I probably wouldn't. Not only because I would want it to be with someone I liked but I'm a little 9 year old girl at heart and want my crush to be my first kiss.
Not like that's happened anyways...
Back on subject, I'm not sure where I'll go from here.
After I had (not so willingly) cried myself to sleep last night, I asked God to give me a sign that everything is okay. Long story short I had a dream of Dylan.
Not sure what that even means but I guess I'll never know until the future.
Of course I'm talking to Sarah as I type this. She's daring me to ask all the questions that I have. Like, "Why would you choose me over all the other girls?"
"Why am I different? And how?"
"When did you start liking me?"
And most importantly, "Why didn't you ever tell me that you liked me?"
I just want answers. But I'll never get them.
I read this thing today on instagram (my guru at times like this) and I saw a photo that stood out. "I wish someone would randomly tell me little facts about myself. Not ones that I have already told them but ones they have picked up by themselves because they care enough to notice the little things I do."
Again I bring up the lip bite. I find myself biting my lip a lot now lately but I never used to (notice at least) until Kevin pointed it out randomly. Like I mean do you remember that?! That was so random!
Kevin and I have also had tons of good memories.
Just talking, laughing, telling secrets.
I love that us. It's perfect.
I love you guys so much!
Now for my last words... :(
Last words:
I used to see only beauty in you Kevin Brooks.
But as we grew older, the demons were easier to see.
You're hyprocitical, rude, flirtacious, and arrogent. You're a cheater, a liar, and you gain power to yourself when you put people down. How did I find all of that beautiful?
That's pitiful that's what that is.
But what good is it to tell the bad without the good?
You care about animals, others, and your family more than anything. You talk about golf way too much for my liking but you're passionate about it. You try to take everything as a joke, to avoid hurt.
That's another think I love about you.
You put on a really good poker face.
Remember when your so-called 'friends' were laughing at you and calling you a p*ssy at the beginning of this year? Remember how you almost knocked yourself out cold when you headbutted a table? While your friends laughed, I literally had to hold myself to my seat just so I wouldn't run out there and make sure you were okay.
But you never really showed on the outside that you were mad at them until you were alone.
I cared when they didn't. I heard you rant on every morning about them for weeks on end! And I felt your pain. We connected.
Whether we were just getting to know each other better or just messing around, I got closer to you when we were together.
Maybe you thought I was just another girl. Maybe I was just another good listener. Sure maybe I was just both and that's all I'll ever be. Hell, maybe that's when you started liking me?
But you're so much more to me than that.
Maybe until I find out what love truly is and when it goes both ways, I'll stop saying that you were my first love.
But right now I'll say it, just not aloud. (:
And maybe you do love me? All I know now is that you have interest in me that you never acted upon or even showed until last night.
I'm sure in a year if not longer, calling you my first love will sound so dumb though.
But it's true. Despite all the shit you put me through, I will always care for you.
Like a lot of people say, maybe we'll run into each other at the University of Alabama. Maybe we'll catch up on coffee and slowly fall in love like one of those rainy day, London fanfictions! Doubtful though.
Another quote:
"Some people get addicted to alcohol
Or drugs
Or cigarettes
Or biting their nails
I get addicted to people
I got addicted to you
I got addicted to the enthusiasm in your voice when you talk about music
The warmth radiating off your body when I snugly molded into your side
I got addicted to your imperfect smile and the feeling of your lips
I got addicted to the way you said my name
I didn't want to face the effects of withdrawl"
You were probably an addiction to me. I mean I have a series about you for crying out loud! It wasn't a bad addiction, just one that hurts in the long run when I had to face withdrawl which is now.
Withdrawl didn't per say hit me until the tears started flowing last night. That's withdrawl.
Withdrawl is looking at old photos and realizing that photos and memories are all I have now.
Withdrawl is getting f*cking sick all day and having to force yourself to f*cking eat because your mind is literally so f*cked up in denial that it doesn't work properly! I can't control my body. I feel a lot better than I did last night and I am still sick with stomach & head aches and barley an appetite. But this is normal in heartbreak right?
But other quotes made me realize that everything wasn't about Kevin either.
"...And please remember that you were beautiful before he told you that you were."
You never called me beautiful in 5 years.
Not a "you look nice." or a "very pretty.".
I can't remember serious compliments from you ever really.
I'm not saying that you didn't, but even if you did, Â they obviously weren't extravigent enough to have me remember them.
Now if Kevin ever read this, he would argue so hard with this next statement: Kevin Brooks, for the most part you treated me like everyone else. That's not a compliment.
You judged me, fought with me, proved every given point to prove I was wrong about something, and you gave up on me. You thought I was annoying. Well this quote not only reminded me of you, but our entire grade.
Even Hondo despite his recent compliments of me looking nice and the hug we shared Friday morning.
"She was too quiet, or she was too loud. She took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was too sensitive, or too cold-hearted. She hated with every fiber of her being, or loved with every piece of her heart. There was no in-between for her. It was either all or nothing. She wanted everything but settled for nothing."
I settled for Kevin but also wanted him. I don't think that will make sense to anyone but me.
I wanted him. But once I saw what a jerk he was, I settled for it. I didn't have to continue liking you. God knows how many times I've tried to stop. It was unstoppable. So I settled for you when I should have pushed myself to move on. I don't know that one was kind of dumb...
Now this is for Team Dylan out there. I read this tumblr post and it reminded me of Dylan and I as weird as it sounds.
"Have you ever felt a potential love or someone? Like, you don't actually love them and you know you don't, but you know you could. You realise that you could easily fall in love with them. It's almost like the bud of a flower, ready to blossom but it's just not quite there yet. And you like them a lot, you really do. You think about them often, but you don't love them. You could, though. You know you could. (cascadingletters via Tumblr)."
After looking back on how easily I can talk to Dylan and how perfect that hug was only a week ago, I've come to the conclusion that I could easily fall in love with the manwhore if we both tried. If Kevin ever read this, I would pay to see him as he read this last quote then come to realize I subjected it to Dylan.
But in all honesty, Dylan's treated me a lot better. Sure we don't exactly know each other's little habits like Kevin and I do. Which by the way I know he bites his knuckles when he's stressed out and nervous. But I can definently see something happening perfectly if something ever does happen with Dylan.
Definition time! I'm not sure where this implies or what it implies so I'm just going to leave you with it.
"Razblito: noun. The sentimental feeling you have about someone you once loved but no longer do."
Two more quotes then I'll stop I promise!
"He's like a drug. He'll make you feel great. You'll feel relaxed, Â chill, wonderful. But that feeling won't last. You'll become addicted to him. He'll be all you think about. And when you don't see him, you'll feel depreived. You'll need that feeling again. You'll relapse."
Dear God don't let me relapse and if I do please lead it into the arms of someone who isn't an idiot with a half-hearted soul.
Lastly.
"My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And it will be the death of me."
I think the reason I'm so head over heels for Kevin is because of the ideas and thoughts and daydreams I've let into my mind. Kevin's not that great of a guy. He's a jerk half the time and thinks playing with girls' feelings is okay when it's not.
Well my back is severely hurting.
That means it's time for me to lay down and stop procrastinating reading TFIOS because I have eight days before the movie.
So goodbye Kevin Brooks. Thank you for all the memories.
I didn't want to have to say goodbye but if I don't, I'll never get closure.
So here's my closure.
Closing the draft.
I'm not going to start tearing up like I have been just thinking about ending this series. (I'm trying really hard guys)
I wish you well.
I really pray you never forget me. Because I'll never be able to forget you.
The whole purpose of this series in the first place was to document me falling for Kevin and Kevin falling for me.
And guess what wolf pack?
We did it.
Kevin Brooks likes me. I finally have closure to a stupid crush that started in fourth grade! I got him to like me, for me!
So I can end my series in happiness instead of tears.
Instead on focusing on him moving, let's focus on the f*cking fact that he likes me!
Kevin Brooks likes me, Selena Brians!
And with a final note, thank you Kevin for the memories, the tears, the pain, and the laughs. My first love.
Signed Selena Brians, 5-29-14.
~~~~~
Thank you everyone who supported me throughout this series! Thank you everyone who read all three books over the past three years!
I hope I made you all proud. This is a super long chapter so I'll make this short!
I love you guys for all the votes, comments, fans, and advice(: I've made tons of new friends throughout this series and I hope to make more with my other stories.
Shoutout to @GerrieRobertsEnlow for all her supportive comments & advice!
Anther shoutout to @bugs_life for being one of the sweetest fans I could ask for!
Love my little wolf pack (:
Make sure and fan and become apart of the wolf pack.
I love you guys so much! Thank you for letting me share my story with you <3
But most of all, thanks for listening.
I hope to see you guys catching up on my new works and such!
Thank you guys again!
I love you!
Forever & Always: Shyanne xx.
Last chapter written on 5-23-14/5-29-14.