Sheena's POV
It's been five weeks. Five weeks of not being able to sleep soundly. Five weeks of crying to Gwen's voice. Little by little, nauubos na ang recordings niya at hindi pa rin siya nagigising. My best friends and I have been hanging out lately, iniiwan ko sa kanila si Nael tuwing pupunta ako sa hospital para bisitahin si Gwen.
"Laki na ni Nael ah." mahinang sambit ni Maloi habang pinagmamasdan ang pusa ko habang hawak ang kamay ni Stacey.
"Gwen's gonna be shocked when she sees him." I replied while stroking his head.
"Five weeks na, Shee. Ganoon pa rin lagay niya?" Colet asked carefully as she placed her hands on Jhoanna's waist na buhat buhat si Ep.
I bit the insides of my cheek and shrugged. "They said she's not responding to the treatment. We still have hope, though. Magigising naman siya." Gwen was thinner than she was before. I was there everyday and I saw how much she changed while her eyes were closed.
"Oo nga, nakita ko. Do you think she's in pain?" Aiah asked as she wiped off her tears. Naiiyak na naman sila kada pinag-uusapan namin ang kalagayan ni Gwen. I'm just pretending to be strong kagaya ni ate Maloi na pangiti-ngiti lang ng mapait pero kapag naiyak siya, alam kong hindi ko na rin kayang pigilan.
Is she in pain? I don't know. "I hope not." I replied.
I miss staring into her eyes, diving into her brown orbs and looking at my own reflection.
"Gago ka talaga! Mga bata palang pala tayo nakikita mo na siya sa hospital ah! Bakit hindi mo sinabi? Bakit hindi mo nilapitan man lang?" Mikha asked.
"Takot akong masaktan siya. I was destructive, you know? One way or another, I knew I was going to hurt her, ganoon ako dati eh." I explained as I casually sip on my iced coffee.
"So, did you?" Stacey asked.
"I promised myself I was going to be with her without laying a hand on her. Pinagmamasdan ko lang siya tuwing naglalaro tayo sa hallway ng hospital niyo, Col." I looked at Colet who's looking at me intently. "Pero wala eh, we crossed paths again. Nakalimutan ko na nga siya noon eh pero naalala ko nang sabihin ni kuya 'yong tungkol sa sakit niya. She somehow found a way to touch me. Yung hawak niya sa akin ... ewan ko," I paused to scratch Nael's back. "I got addicted. Feeling her near me, feeling her beside me, it calmed me in a way I could never explain. Wala, kinulit kulit ko na siya simula noon."
I saw Jhoanna purse her lips and nodded in understanding while my other best friends were just looking proudly at me. "Madalas ko siyang makita sa rooftop ng hospital noon. Malungkot, tulala, minsan umiiyak .... Pero kapag kausap niya 'yong ibang tao sa hospital, hindi niya pinapakita at pinaparamdam na mahina siya o malungkot siya."
"I spent my time thinking that I would hurt her more than she would hurt me. But here I am, reading my journal to my unconscious fiancé and listening to her recordings just so I could cry myself to sleep." I continued and smiled bitterly.
I felt pairs of hands hugging me. Wala na akong nagawa kundi humikbi ng malakas at iiyak ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.
"Go na, you should visit her again. Baka hinihintay ka na ulit niya." Aiah gently said. I nodded at mabilis na nagpaalam sa kanila.
--
"How are you, anak?" Tita asked. Sabay namin tiningnan si Gwen na mahimbing pa ring natutulog.
"I'm okay, Tita." I forced a smile while fiddling with my necklace.
Napatawa siya habang tinitingan ang kamay ko. "Gwen had that on for almost 18 years. Binigay ng lola niya ang locket na iyan when she was two. Sabi ng lola niya, ilagay niya sa locket na 'yan ang picture ng taong pinaka-importante sa kanya."
I recalled the story Gwen told me and on how she gave this to me. She told me she had this necklace everytime she went out for check-ups and therapies. Noong binigay niya sa akin ito, hindi ko na binitawan. I thought, maybe this was the thing that kept her going. Maybe if I kept this, kakayanin ko rin.
When I gave her a necklace, ganoon pa rin. She kept fighting, even with a smile on her face. Right there, napagtanto ko na, Gwen was full of love and joy. That kept her going, and not the necklace.
"She's been fighting for the past years, Shee..." Mahinang sambit ni tita. "Isn't it right to let her rest?" she added.
I bit the insides of my cheek as I felt a hot burning sensation in my eyes. Tinatanong niya ba ako kung handa ko na siyang pakawalan? Gwen's strong. Gagaling naman siya. Wala akong nasabi. Insitead, I got lost in my thoughts while I looked at my fiance's closed eyes. Tita gave me a small smile while she placed her hand on my shoulder. "I'll give you a minute with her." she said before leaving the room.
Tumayo ako at umupo sa tabi ni Gwen. Kinuha ko ang jpurnal ko sa mesa. "Front seat. You were the first person to sit on my car's seat when I got it. First person to be in my car, in general. Sabi nila, ang pinakamagandang view ay yung nasa harapan. Pero para sa akin, yung nasa gilid. I saw how the wind brushes your hair, how you dance along to the songs, how you looked out on the window with a bright smile. Akala mo ba hindi ko nakikita? I see you in the corner of my eyes but you were in the center."
I continued. "I think that's the most beautiful thing about car rides. I can hear you sing, even see you dance without you knowing." I stopped reading because of the tears in my face. Agad kong sinarado ang journal ko at itinabi.
I exhaled slowly. "Love, bubuksan ko na 'tong locket ha? Sorry hindi ko na matiis. Alam mo namang makulit ako at pasaway." I managed to smile.
I slowly opened it at mas nahirapan akong huminga when I saw what's inside.
I remembered what she told me. Sabi niya noon, bubuksan ko lang kapag namimiss ko siya or hindi ko na siya kasama.
And inside the locket was a picture of us with Nael. Our small family. Akala ko 'yon na 'yon pero nang makita ko ang kabilang side, it revealed a group picture. Picture naming magkakaibigan sa resort ni Colet.
"This is just fucking ..." I shakily said. Pinatong ko ang baba ko sa kama niya habang hinahawakan ang kamay niya. "I don't want to be selfish with you." I cried.
"Pero Gwen, kakaumpisa palang ng kwento natin bilang magfiance. I haven't filled my journal yet. I can't. I don't want to let go of you, okay? I'm not ready." I sobbed while pursing my lips. "I'm not fucking ready, love."
"But seeing you like this ... Hirap na hirap ka na eh. Kung gusto mo na magpahinga, kung hindi mo na kaya, I'll try to understand, bebe." I sniffed and wiped my cheeks. "Because, I love you, my Gweneth. I always will even if it means I have to let you rest."