Sheena's POV
My hands were placed on my forehead as I stood frozen for a minute after Gwen was sent to ICU. What just happened? Okay si Gwen kanina. Okay siya nitong mga nakaraang araw. We were fucking okay.
I tried to get my things but my hands were still shaking. I pounded my fist into the wall, sending a sharp pain to my hand. "Tangina!" I shouted while staring at the wall and to my hands. "Fuck! How will I handle this shit!"
I have to be strong for her. Gweneth needs me.
"Sheena ..." niyakap ako ni Tita. "Oh, are you okay?" she asked, cupping my face to look at her. I blinked a few times and nodded.
"K-kamusta po siya?"
We sat on the chairs outside the ICU. "They're doing several tests again on her ... hinihintay nalang 'yong result." napatulala siya sa sahig. It must be hard for her to see her daughter like this.
"She's going to be okay, right?" I murmured, fiddling with my jeans. I was so scared. Seeing her on the bed, unconscious. Hinding hindi na maaalis iyon sa isip ko.
Tita placed her hand on my knee and gave me a comforting smile. "Kayang kaya ni Gwen 'to, anak."
After a few hours, a doctor stepped out of the ICU and headed towards us. Iba ito sa mga nakakausao namin. "Are you the guardian?" Tita nodded. "The patient's condition is stable right now. We're currently observing her for close monitoring." Parang tinanggalan ako ng tinik sa puso dahil sa narinig ko. Somehow, I could finally breathe.
"I just read the findings. She was diagnosed with advanced melanoma, it might be very hard to treat. It may not be possible to cure the cancer. In this situation, the aim of her treatment will be to limit the cancer and its symptoms, and help her live longer. If you wanted to give her the best cure or treatment possible, I advise you should send her in the US."
Wala na akong maintindihan. My ears stopped working as I heard the words "it might be very hard to treat". Everything had no sound, I can hear the fear of losing her.
Few hours ago, the doctors let us stay in her room. Isa lang ang pwede kaya nagsasalitan kami ni Tita para bantayan si Gwen at kausapin kahit hindi pa siya gumigising.
"We came as soon as we heard." I removed my hands from my face as I looked up. Andito na ang mga kaibigan namin. Tita went out of Gwen's room and kissed our best friends habang ine-explain ang condition ng girlfriend ko.
Binati nila ako at tumango lang ako. "How are you?" Maloi asked as she sat beside me. I swallowed hardly and changed my sitting position. I nodded, pursing my lips. "Naririnig mo ba ako?"
I nodded. I'm not in the mood to talk. Not now, not ever. "You're not okay. 'Yung girlfriend mo andoon, hindi pa nagigising." I stared at the floor.
"Sa tingin mo ba hindi ko alam, Maloi?" I snapped.
But instead of her adding fuel to the fire, she smiled worriedly at me. "Gusto mo bang pag-usapan?" she asked. Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kamay ko bago pinunasan ang luha sa gilid ng mata ko. I shook my head and stood up. Why the fuck they want to talk? What's there to talk about?
Agad akong lumabas sa hospital habang nakasunod na ang mga kaibigan ko sa akin. I am annoyed but I know they won't let me face this alone. "Kausapin mo naman kami, Shee. It's not hralthy for you to keep things." Colet sad.
Umupo ako sa may gilid. "I've been doing it for the past years in our house. Ni hindi ko na rin ulit sinasabi sa inyo 'yong tungkol kila lola at kapag nagkakanightmare ako." I mumbled. I slumped on my seat.
"You are our best friend." Mikha said and sat right across me.
"You have to be strong. Kailangan mong ihanda sarili mo sa mga ganitong bagay. Talk to us." Colet added in.
"Fuck! What do you want me to say? Tangina, takot na takot ako ngayon! You guys weren't there, you guys didn't see her suffering after she collapsed. Wala kayo noong umiiyak siya nang sobra dahil hindi niya ako makita at hindi niya maramdaman ang katawan niya." my lips quivered as I clenched my fists. I closed my eyes shut and put my arms over my head. Inangat ko ang ulo ko at tiningnan sila. "Gaguhan ba 'to? Is life getting back at me because I was a fucked up asshole wayback in high school? Kasi tangina, nagbago ako! Please ... wag lang si Gwen." I said with tears threatening to fall.
"Walang connection 'to sa'yo, Shee." Jhoanna said gently.
"This .. this is a sick game. Lahat nalang nawawala sa'kin. Guys, she's..." I swallowed, trying not to cry. "She's all I ever wanted. She's my life. She's my everything. Kapag nawala siya, parang nawala na rin sa akin lahat. If I lose her ..." I put my hand on my mouth to nibble on my lips. "I'm all by myself."
Tumayo sina Mikha, Colet, at Maloi para tabihan ako. Jhoanna and Stacey went closer to me. "You have us and you're not going to lose her. We're not losing Gwen, okay?" Stacey carefully said.
My friends dropped their scheds today dahil sasamahan daw nila kami kahit na hindi sila pumasok sa room ni Gweneth. Sumandal ako sa pader habang pinagmamasdan ang cellphone ni Gwen. Pinagkasya namin ang mga sarili namin sa mga upuan sa harap ng room niya. Tulog ang mga kaibigan ko at halatang nahihirapan sila sa mga posisyon nila ngayon. Kahit si Colet na may-ari ng hospital ay hindi pinayagan ng hospital na magdagdag ng pwedeng bumisita kay Gwen. Fucking hospital policies!
Gwen left her phone for me before it all happened. It's been 19 hours. Hindi ko pa rin siya pwedeng bisitahin dahil nasa loob pa sila Tita. I haven't had the time to go home or take a shower because I want to be here when she wakes up.
I swiped my fingerprint on her phone and opened voice memos. Sabi niya andito raw 'yong mga kanta niya para sa akin.
Day 1. I plugged in my earphones and clicked the voice recording. I expected this to be a cover of her favorite BINI Songs but it wasn't.
"Day 1 of not hearing my voice. Hey, love." I captured a sob from my lips as I heard her voice.
"Hey, bebe ..." I whispered as if I was talking to her.
"I-I'm probably not with you right now kaya binuksan mo 'to. Siguro hindi ko hawak ang kamay mo and you're mad because ... well, I'm not holding it." Gwen chuckled, making me smile.
"Di ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko, to be honest. I just feel bad that I'm not beside you ..."
I hear her exhale through my earphones. "I will try to fight.. for you, for me." A tear escaped from my eye. "Because ... gusto pa kitang makasama, Shee. This little life of mine, I want to spend it with you."