The park in question was old, rusty, and abandoned. The only kids that had ever gone on it were probably in their mid-twenties to thirties, so Adam, Jamie, and I had the park all to ourselves. We sat on the rickety merry-go-round, sipping caffeinated drinks we'd gotten from the nearby gas station and eating powdered donuts right out of the box. I had a dusty white hand print on my thigh and on my face from when Jamie jokingly slapped me.
Adam shoveled the rest of his donut into his mouth. "Sfo wheref haf you beenf?" he said around a mouthful of doughy goodness.
Jamie rolled her eyes. "He asked where you've been," she translated.
I leaned against the support of the merry-go-round, nibbling experimentally at the donut. I didn't want to start shoveling food down my throat in front of them, or they would know something was up. I hadn't been hanging out with them, I was way better with physical touch, and now I was eating? I wanted to believe I was generally improving, but sometimes it felt like if I hadn't met Aster I would be back at square one.
"Aster and I have been hanging out a lot. His family's really cool, and I love the little kids there. There's Suki, Loki, Juniper-"
"Those are weird ass names," Adam commented.
I felt a flash of anger. "They're not," I argued. "The kids are adorable, and they love me. I get to hang out with them and their babysitter all the time. We play games, play on this little playground, and I get to read stories to them."
Jamie licked a streak of powder off of her finger. "So have you fucked him yet?"
I flushed. "Jamie!"
I didn't know how to make them understand how deeply I cared about this pack. They had congratulated me when I shifted, and that connected us in a way that humans couldn't understand. I was a part of this pack now, and both of my forms loved Aster as more than just an alpha. But he was in charge, and I doubted I could truly be more than friends with him when he had such an important role and all I did was watch little kids. Just because I had beat Umbridge and earned the respect of most of my pack-mates, I was still a mess. I wasn't sure how to fix that.
Adam shrugged. "It's an honest question."
"Well we haven't, and I don't plan to," I emphasized angrily, glaring at both of them. "Aster's a really sweet guy, he's not some sex toy."
"Then why else do you hang out with him?" asked Adam.
I gaped at him. "Are you fucking stupid?!" I exclaimed. Adam looked startled by my sudden outburst. "Because he's a great fucking guy and I fucking like his company! Sorry I'm capable of having friends other than you two!" Jamie tried to butt in to apologize, but I kept going. "Do you think I'm some introverted forest hobo that can't talk to anyone but you guys? I'm friends with Aster because he's nice, and he's caring, and he's an awesome fucking person-" My brain jolted at the word person. He wasn't a person, but I couldn't tell them that. That made me feel even angrier. If I could just tell them it would be so much easier than trying to tiptoe around the subject. I couldn't make them understand if I was using metaphors and half-truths.
Jamie grabbed my hand, pleading with me. "No, no, we don't think that, Red. We just- we just miss you sometimes, okay? You spend so much time out there in the woods- I mean, what if Aster turns out to be the leader of a cult and they sacrifice you to a demon?"
I ripped my hand away. "Who the fuck are you to judge him?!" I snarled. Wolf clawed furiously at my belly. I could shift right now and rip their fucking throats out. I froze, staring down at my stomach in horror. Why the fuck had I just thought that? That wasn't- I didn't want to do that! Yeah they were pissing me off but I still liked them! Holy shit, I thought in stunned silence. What the actual fuck is the matter with me? Am I the problem here?
Jamie looked at me. "Are you... are you alright?" Adam was dead quiet.
I shook my head. I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face in my hands. I could cry with Aster, I could be vulnerable with him, but it felt like there was a solid dam stopping my tears from flowing as freely with them. And they were supposed to be my best friends. "No, no, no, no I'm not okay!" I wailed. "I just- I feel like I'm losing everyone. I feel so much better than I did before, but I feel like you guys are just drifting away. I'm not trying to push you all away it's just some shit happened that's kind of fucking with me."
"Do you want to tell us about it?" Adam asked.
I groaned. "I can't! That's the problem! I can't say a fucking word about it to anyone except for the one that caused the problem! So much shit has happened over a month that's totally absorbing my entire life. I feel like if I don't figure this crap out then I'm going to lose you guys for real."
Jamie sidled up next to me. "You don't have to worry about that, Red. We're here for you, no matter what. Just because you've been a little distant doesn't mean we hate you. People drift apart, it's natural. We don't want it to happen, but all you have to do is say that you need space and we can leave you alone for a little while. We'll still be your friends, we'll just support you from a distance. Is that what you need?"
I needed Aster when I was with them, I needed them when I was with Aster. God, why did I care so much? I used to be so nonchalant about everything and now it felt like I was having a breakdown every other day. I just needed time to settle into my body, and I needed time to start figuring out what I was going to do about my upcoming graduation. I had completely forgotten about all of that after I was bit. Maybe Elaine could help me.
"I need some space. I need time- I need to figure a lot of shit out, and I love you guys but I don't think you can be in this with me for once."
Jamie and Adam nodded solemnly.
"We get that," Adam said softly. He wasn't really a comforting type. "I'm sorry about the sex toy joke."
I smiled. "Thanks."
I needed to talk to someone that knew something about how I felt. An idea popped into my head. I was going to talk to Abby.