Chapter 21: Chapter 20

LILLIAN

She let out a sigh, her voice heavy with frustration. “This shouldn’t happen again,” she said, sounding like a broken record even to her own ears.

He rolled his eyes in response. “Don’t be dramatic,” he retorted.

“I’m not being dramatic, Noah,” she defended herself. “I’m just stating a fact.”

“And you’ve stated that same fact every time we have sex,” he pointed out, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Don’t you find that a bit tiresome?”

She did find it tiresome, but what was even more frustrating was her inability to resist him. It wasn’t like he had to try hard to seduce her. She just couldn’t say no to great sex.

Plus, they had a good time together outside of the bedroom, which certainly didn’t hurt.

“The smart thing to do would be to stop, wouldn’t it?” she challenged.

He had asked her this before. “Are you scared that you’ll get attached? Or that I will?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I liked it when it was fun and simple, during the summer when there was a clear end in sight. Now, I feel like it’s going to mess everything up.”

“Because we’re having sex?” he asked, a chuckle escaping his lips.

“Yes,” she confirmed.

“But you enjoy it,” he pointed out.

“Immensely,” she agreed.

“Just focus on that and don’t worry about second thoughts. They’re only going to ruin it,” he advised.

“You should have left by now, you know,” she said.

He looked at her, confused. “You’ve been nagging me to settle down and get my life together, and now you’re eager to see me go?”

“I’m not taking back what I said, Noah. You need to stop running from your life. But does it have to be here?” she asked.

“This place is as good as any, Lillian,” he replied.

She looked at him seriously. “Tell me it’s not because of what we do.”

“You mean sex?” he asked. “No, it’s not because of that. But I do enjoy your company. I can’t lie about that.”

“What if I start seeing someone else?” she asked.

She had asked this question before, and he had been nonchalant about it. She just wanted to make sure nothing had changed since their last conversation.

Honestly, she didn’t know why she was so worked up. She wasn’t usually like this. He was right, but something was bothering her, and she couldn’t shake it off.

It didn’t happen all the time, but when it did, it made her act out of character.

“We’re not exclusive. This isn’t a relationship. We’ve been clear about that since we started having sex again,” he reminded her.

Still, his answer didn’t satisfy her. What was wrong with her?

“Yes, but what would you do?” she pressed.

“I don’t know what I would do,” he admitted, sounding exasperated. “It would definitely suck not to be able to have sex with you anymore, but if you fall for someone and decide to be with them, my hands are tied. What would you do?”

“I’d be relieved, actually,” she said, shrugging. But as soon as the words left her mouth, she wasn’t sure if she meant them.

“Do I feel like a burden to you?” he asked.

“No,” she said, smiling as she kissed his cheek softly.

“Why do I feel like a kid all of a sudden?” he asked.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because you’re trying to pacify me with a kiss on the cheek,” he explained.

“Far from it,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You’re not a burden. The problem is that I’ve gotten used to having you around. I don’t have any friends here.”

“What about your classmates from the reunion?” he asked.

“We’ve been texting on and off since the summer, but I’m not very consistent with my communication with them,” she admitted.

“At least you have a few people to talk to,” he pointed out.

“Don’t expect me to feel sorry for you because you’ve messed up,” she scoffed.

“I don’t,” he said. “I am who I am. But I do get lonely sometimes.”

“Well, you’re going to get even lonelier,” she warned.

“Why?” he asked.

“We don’t have much time until Christmas, you know,” she reminded him.

“Oh, you’re going to visit your family,” he realized.

“Yes, I am. I’ve already booked my tickets. Aren’t you going home too?” she asked.

“I am. I promised my father,” he confirmed.

“Don’t you want to be with them?” she asked.

“No, I do. I want to check up on Dorothy too. But I’ve gotten so used to living here,” he admitted.

“You enjoyed your travels,” she pointed out.

“I did, and I plan to start again at some point,” he said.

“Not soon,” she stated, and it wasn’t a question.

“Not soon,” he agreed. “And to answer your original question, I’m not staying here just for you. If I’m going to start over, I’d rather do it somewhere new.”

“You’re afraid of being compared,” she said.

“And of failing,” he admitted.

“Perhaps you won’t mess up.”

“But if I do, it’ll be our little secret.”

***

The days leading up to Christmas seemed to fly by, and she found herself in Noah’s bed more often than not. She wasn’t as hesitant as before, but they had an unspoken agreement. They were intimate, but they didn’t spend the entire night together.

It was her way of maintaining a bit of distance. Otherwise, they might as well call themselves a couple and be done with it.

Work had become a bit more bearable. Noah had mentioned that Tamara had tried to confront him, but he had put her in her place. She was almost thankful for that.

Tamara didn’t dare cross her again, fearing for her own job, but she was still the same spiteful woman. Only now, she kept her tantrums behind closed doors, away from the eyes of clients and partners.

“Do you plan on decorating for Christmas?” he asked her one evening.

“Since when are you interested in Christmas decorations?” she teased back.

“I’m not, but everything around us is so festive; I was just curious.”

“Have you ever decorated before?”

“Not since my mom passed away.” He shrugged. “She loved Christmas, and she taught us to love it too.”

“You used to enjoy Christmas?”

“Only because of her. After she was gone, I lost interest, and my dad left the decorating to the staff. He didn’t care much either. Only Asher would help out during that time.”

“Did your ex-wife enjoy Christmas?”

“Now that you mention it, I think she did. I vaguely remember catching her decorating the Christmas tree.”

“And what did you do?”

“Nothing. I had work to do in my study. Like I said, I lost interest in it after my mom passed away.”

“So, you won’t help me with my Christmas tree then?”

She wasn’t sure why she asked, but the words were out. She always felt too melancholic to decorate alone, which is why her apartment was always bare during the holiday season. Back home, everyone would join in the decorating.

Maybe if she had some help, she could get into the spirit.

“Do you even have a Christmas tree?”

“No, but I was thinking of getting one this year. And some ornaments and lights. There’s a shop a few blocks from here that sells them.”

“Are you going to get a real tree?”

“No. I don’t like the idea of cutting down a tree just for Christmas. A synthetic one is fine. I can use it again next year.”

“Do you need help carrying it?”

“I’m not sure. I’m not planning on getting a big one. It would be too much for this apartment—and I’ll be gone soon… If you want to come along, you can, but if you’re not interested…”

“I don’t have anything better to do,” he said.

“I thought you had plans.”

“I do have plans. But they’re just ideas in my head right now, nothing concrete.”

***

They went to buy a tree and ornaments a couple of days later on a Saturday. It was mid-December, which some might consider late, but she didn’t like the idea of having a Christmas tree in her apartment two months before the actual holiday. She couldn’t control what the stores did, but she could control her own space.

The cold was biting, but Lillian wouldn’t have it any other way. Winter was supposed to be cold, and if it snowed, that would be perfect—but preferably after they got home with her new tree.

After that, she didn’t care what the weather did. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She secretly hoped for a snowstorm that would trap her there, giving her an excuse to avoid work. She wouldn’t even mind being snowed in with Noah, as long as they had enough condoms to keep them busy.

During their trip to the store, they were bundled up like onions, and Lillian didn’t bother with makeup. As they were trying to choose the right ornaments, they heard a snide comment from behind them. They ignored it, too focused on their task, until a familiar voice spoke up.

“A Christmas tree, Noah? Really?”

They turned around slowly.

“It’s Christmas time, Tamara,” he replied calmly.

“And you’re planning to decorate with your new fling?”

Lillian had to suppress a laugh. Her boss didn’t recognize her. She wasn’t offended; it had happened with Noah already, and it had been amusing. This, she thought, would be even more entertaining.

“Why not?” he shrugged, giving Lillian a quick glance.

“I can’t help but wonder how your little protégée would feel if she knew you were playing house with someone else,” she taunted.

Lillian couldn’t help but feel a thrill as she watched the woman’s face drop. “Oh, she wouldn’t mind in the slightest, Miss Coleman,” she replied, her voice dripping with satisfaction.

The woman looked her up and down, her face a picture of disbelief. “No way it’s you,” she muttered, her voice barely above a whisper.

Lillian smirked, her eyes twinkling with mischief. “And who else would I be, if not myself?” she retorted. “Don’t strain yourself trying to answer that. It was a rhetorical question.”

Under normal circumstances, her boss would have snapped back, but for now, she was left speechless.

“No need to linger on our account, Tamara. I’m sure you have plenty to do, and we’d like to continue our shopping,” Noah interjected, his voice icy.

It took a moment for the woman to regain her composure, and when she did, she shot them both a look of pure contempt.

“I have far better things to do than waste my time on you two,” she sneered.

“See you at the office, Miss Coleman,” Lillian called after her, her smile bright and triumphant.

***

As they stepped into her apartment, the first flakes of snow began to fall. It wasn’t going to stick, but it felt more fitting than rain.

“Where do you want to put it?” Noah asked, looking around the room.

“Somewhere I can see it,” she replied.

“Of course. We didn’t go through all this trouble just to hide it,” he agreed. “I meant, where do you think it would fit best?”

She considered for a moment. There weren’t many spots in her apartment that would suit a Christmas tree. Finally, she decided on a practical spot next to the TV, where there was an outlet for the lights.

“How about some hot cocoa?” she suggested, changing the subject.

“But you’re a coffee person,” he pointed out.

“I can make an exception. I’m still freezing, and hot cocoa sounds perfect right now,” she explained.

“Sounds good to me. Just add some cinnamon to mine, if you have any,” he requested.

“All right,” she agreed, drawing out the word. “And you…”

“We’ll wrap the Christmas lights around the tree while you hang the ornaments,” he finished for her.

“Sounds like a plan,” she agreed.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his brow furrowing in concern.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?” she replied, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Tamara…” he began, but she cut him off.

“She’s not going to ruin this for me, don’t worry,” she assured him, winking. “Did you see the look on her face when she realized it was me?”

He laughed, shaking his head. “She didn’t know what hit her,” he agreed.

“She had it coming. Now she’ll be even more jealous, thinking we’re in a relationship,” she mused.

“You shouldn’t worry about what she thinks. She won’t dare bother you again, and if she wants to believe we’re in a relationship, all the better,” he reassured her.

“You really don’t care?” she asked, looking at him in surprise.

“No. Now go make that cocoa. My fingers are still freezing,” he replied, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

She nodded, heading to the kitchen and making a mental note to buy him a pair of gloves for Christmas. That way, his fingers would stay warm.