Chapter 45: Chapter 45

“Emma,” I call as I open the door to the condo where I stay during the season.

It’s quiet, something I’m not used to with Emma around. I’m used to opening the door after getting back from practice and hearing the TV blaring with some cheesy chick flick, or she’ll have music playing throughout the condo’s speakers.

But today, it’s just silence.

I set my practice bag down by the door, an uneasy feeling coursing through my veins. There’s probably no reason for me to feel this way. Just because it’s quiet doesn’t mean something’s wrong. She’d told me she was going to Beck and Margo’s house to meet their new daughter. Maybe that went later than I thought.

I try not to feel disappointed at the idea that she may not be here. She leaves tomorrow for a week to visit her aunt, and while I know it’s important for her to see the one family member she still has in her life, I’ll miss her.

From the day we met, we’ve spent every day together. So, this will be the first time we’re apart, and I miss her already.

I walk through the hallway that leads to the kitchen and main living space in search of her. It’s possible she fell asleep or is in the shower and can’t hear me.

My stomach drops when I find Emma sitting on the edge of the couch with two suitcases and a duffel bag sitting next to her. I swallow, trying to tell myself the bags are just for her week away, but the way she won’t meet my eyes makes me fear something else is happening.

“Hi,” I manage to get out. The condo seems so eerily quiet, and I hate it. It’s so quiet I wonder if she can hear the anxious beat of my heart through the silence.

When her eyes finally meet mine, I know something’s wrong. It seems like the light I’ve grown accustomed to seeing in her eyes is gone. “Preston, we need to talk.” Her words are quiet, but they still wreak havoc on my heart.

I’m losing her. She’s barely said a word, and I still know I’m about to lose her.

I reach out, needing to touch her. My fingertips brush over her jaw. “Whatever’s wrong, I’ll fix it.”

The color drains from her face. She closes her eyes, as if it’s too painful for her to even look at me with what she has to say. “You can’t fix this,” she whispers, her eyes still shut.

I cradle the back of her neck, clinging to anything to get her to tell me what’s wrong. My feelings for her have gotten so strong there’s nothing I won’t do to fix whatever’s the matter. “Yes, I can. What is it, baby?”

She shakes her head slowly, her eyes finally finding mine. They’re glossy with unshed tears. The only time I’ve seen Emma cry was during Jackson’s speech at Peyton’s wedding. Those were happy tears. These are the complete opposite, completely wrecking my heart with the sight of them. “I’m sorry,” she begins, her voice breaking at the end.

“Sorry for what?” I press my forehead to hers, needing to feel her skin against mine so that I know we’ll be okay. The suitcases sit in the corner of my vision, taunting me with the idea that she’s leaving me.

“I’m going home, but I’ve decided to stay there…”

“For how long? Stay there as long as you need—you don’t have to come to the preseason games. Or even the season op⁠—”

She pulls away, the tears freely falling down her cheeks at this point. “No, Preston. I’m going home for good.”

“What does that mean? How long is for good?”

“However long it takes me to figure myself out. I had the best summer with you, but now that we’re back, it’s hit me that I never really focused on myself like I’d wanted to.”

My throat feels painfully tight. I swallow, trying to fix it, but it doesn’t help. “So, you’re going home for an unknown amount of time. That’s okay. We’ll still talk and figure it out. Whatever games you want to travel to, I’ll get you tickets from the closest airport to Vanessa. I can even try to come see you when⁠—”

Emma sighs, her head shaking. I try to wipe the tears from her cheeks, but she nudges my hand away, wiping her tear stained cheeks herself. “No, Preston. That’s the thing. I can’t just follow you around this season.” Her bottom lip trembles, but she manages to keep her words clear as she continues to break my heart. “The whole reason I met you in the first place was because I was finally doing something for myself. Before, I used to follow my best friends from one place to the next, never really thinking about what I wanted for my future. I didn’t have to think through my next steps because Winnie and Margo were doing it for me. But going alone to the Hamptons was the first time I did something for myself, and instead, I let myself get lost in you.”

It feels like she’s taken a knife to my chest. For a moment, the world goes blurry as I try to process if she regrets what started between us over the summer. “I don’t understand,” I get out, my voice thick. “Are you saying you regret us?”

“I could never regret you. But I do feel like I’ve let myself down in a way. I’ve fallen into the same pattern, following someone else and their dreams instead of figuring out my dreams.”

My lips pinch together as I try to keep them from shaking. I don’t want her to know how every single thing that comes out of her mouth is slicing me open. She’s hurting me, but I don’t want her to know it. I don’t want to make her feel guilty when it’s clearly painful for her to tell me this.

“It feels a hell of a lot like you regret me.” My voice cracks, and I wish I could hide it, but it’s already out there. “Why can’t you figure out what you want to do next while still making our relationship work? Why are you making it a choice between yourself or me? I’m not asking you to choose, Em. I’ll wait for you to feel good about whatever you want to do with the rest of your life. Just let me be a part of it.”

“Because right now, I owe it to myself to give myself a chance. I think if I let myself follow you for the season, I’ll end up falling in love with you.”

“Is that so bad?”

I’ve never been in love because I was always focused on other things. I have no idea what it feels like, but it must be something close to how I already feel about her because it couldn’t hurt this bad at the thought of her leaving me behind if I wasn’t close to being in love with her.

Her shoulders shake as she takes a deep breath. I try to console her by caressing her cheek, but it doesn’t stop her body from trembling. I don’t think it helps that I think my fingers also tremble with the fear of losing her and everything we’ve shared in the time we’ve known each other.

“Not if it means losing myself in the process. I want to love you right, Preston. And I don’t think anyone deserves to fall in love with me until I love myself and who I become.”

I rub my chest, feeling nothing but pain at her words. How do I convince her that no one deserves love more than her? She deserves every happy thing life has to offer—including love. She’s funny and kind and is always putting others over herself, even though she doesn’t even realize it.

But perhaps that’s why, this time, she’s choosing herself.

That might be my hardest realization no matter how much it pains me. I could tell her that I’m ready to fall in love with her, to give it my all and do anything necessary to keep her for the rest of my life.

Every time I wake up next to her in the morning, I imagine doing it for the rest of my life. I think about the vacations we’ll take our future kids on and how we’ll have to take them to the place where we first met. I never told her this, but I’ve imagined a whole life with her.

I can’t convince her she’s worthy of love no matter where she’s at in her life until she’s convinced of it herself. There’s nothing I can do but support her in whatever decision she makes. No matter how much it hurts, what she needs right now isn’t me. I just hope that she’ll still want me after she discovers who she wants to be.