Chapter 44: Chapter 44

“She’s the most beautiful baby ever,” I mutter, cradling Margo’s newborn baby to my chest. A giant pink bow sits on top of her head as she sleeps peacefully in my arms.

Winnie leans close to me, her finger wrapped in baby Celeste’s tiny hand as we both marvel over our newest best friend. “I just love her so much already,” Winnie coos, a wide smile on her face.

Margo sits on the other side of us, a to-go box of sushi resting in her lap as she shoves one raw roll after another into her mouth. “She’s pretty cute, even if she took thirty hours to exit my vagina,” she mutters through a mouth full of food.

I laugh, looking down at Celeste. She’s got a head full of blonde hair and the cutest button nose. I haven’t been around a lot of babies in my life, but she’s got to be the most precious newborn to ever exist. “She’s a perfect angel. Perfection takes time, Mar.”

Margo rolls her eyes at me, too focused on devouring the sushi to even respond.

“Em, you’re hogging all the baby snuggles. I want some,” Winnie whines from my side.

I pull Celeste a little closer to my chest, not wanting to give her up. It feels like Margo just handed her to me, and I want to continue to bask in her sweet newborn scent for the rest of the day.

Winnie lets out a low groan, clearly not amused by me not handing Celeste over.

I let out a dramatic sigh, being careful to sit up as I hand the baby to Winnie. “You get five minutes, then it’s my turn again.”

Winnie rolls her eyes at me, something she doesn’t do often. She sits back on the couch and snuggles Celeste into the crook of her elbow. “I’m getting at least ten with her. You had so long.”

“Did not,” I respond, pulling my phone from my pocket.

Preston’s at practice for the day, so I know I won’t have any messages from him, but I’m waiting to hear back from Aunt V. I’m visiting her for a week this weekend before Preston’s final season starts and I travel to all of his games. I don’t have any texts from her, but it’s probably because she’s still working.

Winnie and Margo begin to talk about who they think Celeste looks like while I thumb through some of the notifications on my phone.

This morning, I posted something different than what I’ve usually been posting since we returned from the Hamptons. It’s felt weird to tell everyone that I still feel like a mess because it seems like all people care about in my comments is Preston.

To try and move the topic back to me and not just my relationship with him, I’d posted a video this morning asking for my followers to ask me questions in the comments and I’d make a Q&A out of it to post on my page.

Some questions are inevitably about Preston, which I gloss over, but some of them catch my attention, and I know I’ll want to answer them. There’s some asking where I grew up, for tips on how to grow on social media but still stay authentic, and a surprising amount asking what my plans are now that I’m back in Manhattan.

I’m about to close the app and join in the conversation with Margo and Winnie when a comment thread catches my eye.

user9509345821: Didn’t this girl get famous about wanting to find herself? Did she just forget all about that and found herself underneath a man instead?

My heart sinks. I know I should close out of the app and not read any of the comments below this one, but I can’t help it. Winnie and Margo’s voices fade out as I decide to torture myself by reading more comments.

MrsRhodes509: She was his fun before the season started. He’ll realize he needs to be with someone who has their life figured out in no time.

hannahmarty2: is anyone else really disappointed she followed preston back to manhattan? i followed her because she was relatable about not knowing her next steps. i wanted to watch her find her footing. instead she decided to give up everything she wanted to do for a man. i guess maybe that is relatable, just not in the way i was hoping.

kirstensings: What happens when he leaves her for someone better? Does she come on here drunk again and give the same speech as last time hoping we’ll all forget she dropped everything for the first guy she met?

“Em?” Margo’s hand on my thigh pulls me from the comments. My phone drops to my lap like it’s on fire as I meet my best friend’s worried eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Margo prods.

I shake my head, not wanting to ruin the afternoon with my best friends. “Nothing’s wrong.” I’m mad at myself for thinking it was a good idea to read my comments to begin with, let alone doing it while I’m supposed to be focused on nothing but my friends. I barely saw them over the summer, and Margo has a precious baby who deserves all the love.

People on the internet who have no idea who I am don’t deserve a single second of my time, even if I’m learning how hard it is to not let them in my head.

“You’re lying to me, and I don’t appreciate it,” Margo tells me, narrowing her eyes.

I smile at her, not wanting to waste my breath talking about the trolls in my comment section. “I’m not lying at all. Is it my turn to hold Celeste again?”

“It hasn’t even been five minutes,” Winnie argues.

I laugh, leaning in to fix the bow on Celeste’s head. “You’ve got five more, and then that baby is all mine.”

For right now, I try to push all the negative thoughts from my mind. I try to be present, but in the back of my mind, one comment sticks out amongst the others. Is following Preston through this upcoming season the opposite of what I’ve been trying to do all summer? Instead of finding myself, am I losing who I am instead?