Chapter 21: 21: Between Love and Fear

BELLE

At first, I fought against him. Having him anywhere near me only made my panic worse.

I gasped and wheezed and pounded my fists against his chest, trying desperately to remove myself from him. My terror rose when I realized it wasn’t working. His grip was unyielding.

He had me. Oh God, he had me in his control again. He was going to take me with him and do to me again what he had done the last time I was at his pack house. I fought harder.

I was surprised when Grayson allowed me to hit him, sitting back and taking everything I had to give him. He never let it affect his grip on me, but he also didn’t fight back or try to dodge any of my punches or slaps.

At some point during my fit of rage and gasping breaths, my body began to slow, exhausting itself. I could feel Grayson breathe out in relief as he also recognized my surrender.

It was then that he tightened his hold around me, bringing me so close that I was safely secured to his chest and unable to do anything other than lean into him, giving him all of my weight.

One of his hands gently cupped the back of my neck and tucked my head into the warm spot where his neck and shoulder met, nuzzling his face into my neck.

He kept me there, clutching me like that even when my gasping breaths turned into heart-wrenching sobs. I began to cry, soaking his skin and T-shirt with my tears.

The bliss of being held by my mate began to settle in. My body recognized his and craved him.

My heart lurched in my chest, filling with love and adoration for him all over again, almost as if nothing had ever happened between us.

I gave into his embrace, melting into him, accepting the affection that my body so desperately needed and which he seemed so willing to provide.

I knew it was wrong. So, so wrong. But I didn’t care. I had been in pain for far too long to deny his comfort.

My breathing and heart rate slowed, and my vision cleared even as I continued to cry. The blood stopped pumping in my ears, finally allowing me to hear again.

It amazed me how he was still able to calm me even after all this time, even though he wasn’t my mate anymore. It also terrified me. This proved just how much power he still held over me.

I had been in his presence for mere minutes, and I was already reduced to putty in his arms.

Jesus, what was wrong with me?

Relief, pain, and misery all came pouring out of me as Grayson rocked me against his form. I felt pathetic for reacting to seeing him like this, but the floodgates were open, and there was no closing them.

I let myself sob into his neck, clinging to him as if he were my lifeline.

The last time I had cried in front of Grayson, he reacted by yelling at me and calling me pathetic. I almost expected him to react like that again in this scenario. But he didn’t.

He simply continued to hold me and caress my back in a soothing up-and-down motion, leaving those familiar sparks everywhere he touched.

I was completely baffled but didn’t have it in me to acknowledge my confusion at that moment.

All of the emotions I had been holding in over the last couple of months were pouring out of me, leaving me incapable of doing anything other than sobbing my eyes out into the chest of the man I loved but who never loved me.

“Shhh, baby...I know. I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry, Belle,” I heard Grayson whisper against my hair. His voice sounded hollow and pained.

He moved his hands up and down my back, rocking us back and forth in a consistent rhythm, keeping his head in the crook of my neck. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. Everything is okay now. I’m so, so sorry.”

Shock flooded my system. Had I heard him right? Had he just...~apologized~ to me?

I didn’t have time to worry about it. Although the rest of my body had calmed the moment Grayson touched me, the mark on my neck only seemed to worsen.

I was already in his lap, every possible inch of me touching him, but the mark wanted more; it wanted to be even closer.

As if Grayson were reading my mind, I felt his lips press down on the part of my neck where he had bitten me, leaving a gentle kiss there.

I let out a breathy sigh. My shoulders loosened. Then, ever so slowly, his tongue ran over it, licking it. My entire body was immediately filled with fire.

I gasped and pressed closer to him, arching my back against him. Grayson growled, and the sound only added to my needy whines.

He didn’t hold back. His mouth latched onto the tender mark, kissing and suckling it.

My arms seemed to develop a mind of their own and wrapped themselves around his neck, tangling my hands into his hair and pushing him closer to my skin.

I slumped in relief as, for the first time since Paris, my mark didn’t hurt. There was no throbbing, no pain, and no shaking. My entire body was at peace.

I was home.

~But this isn’t your home,~ I reminded myself. ~It never can be again. ~

He had rejected me and then slept with another. Even though he was here, holding me and apologizing, nothing had changed. He had still abused me. He was still mated to someone else.

Those thoughts only made me cry harder.

Grayson let me sob into his chest for Lord knew how long. He just held me, alternating between telling me how sorry he was and kissing and lapping at my mark.

Eventually, my crying slowed to a stop. I breathed in slowly, finally able to process things now that my body had calmed down from its panic attack.

My anguish was quickly replaced with awareness. I peeked up from the skin of his neck, looking around us. The diner was empty. Grayson and I were completely alone.

Everyone’s food was still on the tables, and coats were strewn in the booths, forgotten. It told me that everyone had left in a hurry. I didn’t blame them.

If I hadn’t been overwhelmed by my panic attack, I would have run too.

Grayson’s nose pressed into my hair, and he inhaled deeply, taking in my scent. He sighed in a way that imitated bliss and relief.

Relief over what? Finding me and ruining my plans to stay away from him forever?

His hand drifted down my back and along one of my bare legs, peeking out from beneath my skirt on either side of his huge body, straddling him.

I sucked in a breath, basking in the sparks he left behind everywhere he touched. I could feel myself heating up as he started to slowly lap at my mark again before kissing and nibbling on it.

It felt intimate. Far too intimate for a man who was in a relationship with another woman.

That thought snapped me out of my trance, like ice-cold water being poured on me. What the hell was I doing?

This man ruined my life, and I was simply allowing him to hold me and kiss me as if nothing had happened between us!

Grayson must have sensed my change in demeanor because his entire body stiffened, and his arms tightened around me.

My heart rate spiked. My mind was racing with scenarios as to why he was here. None of them were good.

~He has a mate!~ I thought bitterly, flinching when my heart clenched painfully. ~He hurt me, broke me. Why is he here, holding me like this? ~

~And, better yet, why am I letting him?~

Without loosening his grip on me, Grayson leaned back until his eyes met mine. I expected to see his terrifying red eyes again but was instead met with his green ones.

Seeing him up close, I noticed for the first time how tired he looked. His beard had grown out slightly, leaving him with a dark, scruffy face, and there were deep bags under his eyes.

Somehow though, he was still gorgeous—by far the most beautiful man I’d ever seen, even in his obviously exhausted state. But I couldn’t let myself be taken in by his beauty or the sweet way he held me.

Grayson was able to change his personality to be whatever he wanted—correction, to get whatever he wanted. He might look sad and sincere now, but there was no way he actually felt that way.

He was putting on a show. Why he was doing that or what his goal was, I wasn’t sure. But I knew I wasn’t going to hang around long enough to find out.

He finally spoke.

“Belle.” His voice was barely a whisper. He sounded sad. Desperate.

The complete and utter anguish in his voice tugged at my heart. Even though he had treated me so horribly, there was still that instinct that urged me to comfort him and make him feel better when he was in pain.

But it didn’t matter. I had been moving forward. I was getting better. His being here was a huge step back for me. He didn’t deserve my comfort or pity after all he had done to me.

And he especially didn’t deserve it when he had a perfectly good mate at home, probably wondering where he was.

“Let me go,” I whispered.

He shook his head, his arms only tightening. Flashbacks of him holding me down on his bed and restraining me with his crazy strength came racing into my mind.

I gasped and pushed harder against his arms, trying to get out of his iron grip with even more ferocity.

“Belle, please,” Grayson said, fighting against me. “You don’t—”

“Let me go!” I yelled. I could feel panic creeping up my chest once again with every passing second that he continued to restrain me. ~“Let me go right now!”~

Grayson’s hold on me finally loosened, and I was able to free myself from his arms. He whimpered when I scrambled away from him and ran to the other side of the room.

The sound came from deep within his throat, telling me it was his wolf. My body stiffened. I missed his wolf. Even when Grayson didn’t want me, his wolf did. He fought for me.

But that wolf was trapped inside the body of a monster.

I stood and backed away from him. My arms automatically wrapped themselves around my waist as if I could somehow protect myself from the undeniable pain I was about to endure.

I wanted to seem strong and unaffected by his presence, but that was impossible to do. I sucked in a breath when my mark began to throb with pain again, even though I was only a few feet away from him.

Shit, what the hell was wrong with me?

I shut my eyes tightly and took a deep breath, still standing on the opposite side of the room, putting as much space between us as possible.

It was hard, though. He was like metal, and I was the magnet. I was drawn to him.

After a few more seconds of silence, Grayson spoke. “Belle,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

My eyes snapped open. So I had heard him right before. He was apologizing to me.

“W-What?” I asked, my voice breaking. “What did you just say?”

Grayson stood but didn’t approach me. “I’m so, so sorry. You have no idea how much I regret what I put you through. You have to believe me.”

Something strange happened to me then. Hope filled my system. Hope that maybe this nightmare was over. Maybe Grayson wanted me back.

I stuffed that feeling down quickly, completely disgusted with myself for even having that thought. I wouldn’t let this man ruin my life again. I wouldn’t live in fear of him.

And I definitely wouldn’t let him walk into my life and try to apologize for something that was simply unforgivable. Never again would I let Grayson be a part of my life.

Grayson opened his mouth to speak again.

“No,” I snapped before he could continue. “Get out.” I pointed at the door.

Grayson’s brows shot up in shock. “What?”

I continued to point at the door, never losing my stance. “Get the fuck out!”

Grayson’s confusion was replaced by panic. “I know you’re upset, Belle, and you have every right to be. But you don’t understand what really happened—”

“And I don’t care,” I interrupted. “I don’t know why you’re here, and I don’t care. I don’t want you here. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“No, please don’t say that. Belle, please, you have to listen to me—”

I swallowed down the scream of rage that threatened to bubble up in my throat. Was he seriously making demands of me?

“I don’t have to do anything!” I yelled.

“I don’t know what you’re doing here, but the fact that you think you have any right to just waltz back into my life after everything you did to me confirms that you’re some kind of insane person.

“I don’t owe you anything, not even a conversation. So leave,” I stated. “Now.”

Grayson stared at me for a moment, but he didn’t move, his eyes flashing with something unrecognizable. Was it anger?

A tiny bit of hesitancy filled me, worried that he might lash out. I tried not to let it affect my confidence.

I told myself I didn’t owe him anything—not my heart, not comfort, not even my time. I was in control now. And I wasn’t going to let him boss me around anymore.

“Okay,” he finally said. I could tell he was trying to rein in his wolf, his eyes switching from their normal green to a deep black. “You’re right. You don’t owe me anything. You aren’t obligated to listen to me.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, not sure what to say. I hadn’t expected him to admit defeat so easily.

“But I’m not leaving,” Grayson continued. There it was. “I’m not leaving this town until you know what really happened between us.

“I’m going to be one step behind you everywhere you go, protecting you, making sure your pain is as little as possible.”

He licked his lips, looking my body up and down, pity filling his eyes as he took in my battered form. I wanted to punch him in the face.

“And when you’re ready—if you’re ever ready—I hope you’ll let me explain.”

I blinked. “But—”

Grayson was suddenly in front of me, moving so quickly that he looked like a blur. I nearly screamed in terror, but he grabbed my face and crushed my lips to his, silencing me.

I squeaked in shock. He started to move his mouth against mine the way he had done so many times before.

For a moment, I forgot where I was, and all that mattered was Grayson’s lips against mine. I kissed him back, the longing in my chest too painful and persistent to ignore.

His tongue swept over the seam of my lips, and I automatically opened for him, letting his tongue into my mouth. His flavor burst across my taste buds, and a needy moan left me.

Grayson growled and tugged me closer, wrapping his arms around me. Heat flooded my system and pooled at my core. My legs pressed together as the most intimate part of me started to throb, longing for attention.

After a long moment, he carefully removed his mouth from mine, even though I tried to pull him back to me. He kept his hands firmly placed on either side of my face.

My breath caught when his forehead met mine, and he looked deep into my eyes.

Keeping eye contact, he muttered, “Please don’t make me leave. Not after I’ve just found you again.”

I studied him, memorizing every part of his face so I could remember him after he was gone.

“You broke me,” I whispered.

His huge frame shook at my words. “I know.” His thumb wiped away a tear running down my face. I hadn’t even realized I was crying again.

“But, please, just listen to what I have to say. I need you. I need you, Belle.”

More tears started to pool in my eyes even though I tried to stop them. “No, you don’t,” I replied, trying to step back and detach myself from him but failing as his grip on my face only tightened.

It wasn’t painful, but it was unrelenting and final. “You’ve never needed me.”

He shook his head, keeping his forehead against mine. “Yes, I do. I do need you. So badly. I love you, Belle,” he said.

My heart did a flip in my chest. “And I know I don’t deserve your love in return, but I need you to know it. I love you. There is an explanation for everything. Please, if you would just let me—”

I jerked back so suddenly that Grayson was taken off guard and not able to keep his hold on me. I shoved his hands off of me, suddenly completely furious with myself for giving in to his touch so easily.

He knew that physical contact with him was my weakness, and he was taking advantage of that knowledge. I couldn’t believe I had let him go as far as he did. I let him kiss me. And I kissed him back!

“Don’t touch me!” I screeched. “I’m not going to let you explain because there is no explanation good enough to excuse what you did to me. It was unforgivable.”

I took a deep breath. “You don’t love me. People who love each other don’t treat one another the way you treated me. They... They just don’t.” My voice broke, which only made my fury grow.

“Which is why, if you come near me again, I won’t hesitate to call the police. I’ll get a restraining order if I have to or do whatever I need to do to get you out of my life.

“I want you out of my life, Grayson. Do you understand me? I never, ever want to see you again.”

He sucked in a breath. His hands curled back into fists by his sides, and, for a moment, I couldn’t tell if he was holding himself back from comforting me or attacking me.

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised by either, which terrified me.

“I’m not leaving you,” he finally said. “Call the police if you want, but you won’t like what happens when they get here. No one is going to take me away from you.

“I’m here, and I’m not leaving unless it’s with you by my side. You’re mine, Belle, whether you like it or not. And sooner or later, you will hear me out.”

“No.” I shook my head, swallowing down my never-ending tears. “Leave. Now.”

Grayson watched me for a few silent seconds before nodding stiffly. “I love you, Belle. Please come back to me soon.”

He turned and left the diner.