Guys, I know, I'm sorry. Don't burn me at the stakes. It's the holiday season. It's kind of a busy time. Thank you guys so much for the support regardless of how late the upload is.
Please don't forget to vote and rate even though I'm a failure as a human.
Enjoy.
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"Alexa.." he whispered against my ears; his forearms squeezing against the sides of my waist. His fingers strongly entwined under my chest. Strands of my hair were dangling above his arms, "you saw the dolphins, now let's get back inside before something ridiculous kills you.." he continued and I chortled at that statement and expected him to be laughing when I turned around but he was looking into the distance with a serious face, as if searching for a meteor that could potentially hit me.
"Paranoid much?" I took his hands off my body slowly and he looked down at my face.
"Someone needs to be, you treat your cheap Chinese manufactured body like it was made out of steel.."
A clear laugh escaped my lips. Let's not tell him I have allergic Asthma then it'd be a cheap Chinese manufactured body that broke the next day.
He looked like my laugh surprised him. This is probably the first time I've laughed in his presence. I'm usually uptight and constantly annoyed. He looked at me with a smile of his own. His gaze made my cheeks suddenly go crimson. His beautiful sky blue eyes met mine in a curious expression before he tilted his head sideways.
"you're turning red.." he smiled smugly and I widened my eyes before swallowing the lump forming in my throat. He learned towards me and put his hands on the railing of the boat on each side of my hips. I backed away a little but he was too close. I felt tiny, "Am I too close, Alexa?" he goaded and I opened my mouth to shut him down but no words came out. In the dimed lights of the boat and the breeze of the ocean. I just stared at his face. Perfection. Muscles. Jaw line. Dark hair. Stormy blue eyes. Feral ferocity.
Did I just admit to myself that I was in love with him? I'm not that strong willed. Honestly. If you thought I was an independent, boss ass bitch, you obviously skipped the introduction in the beginning. I'm garbage. Faced with a specimen like Alexander. I'm weak. He's too overpowering. Maybe in the beginning he was my nightmare but that was an illusion and the reality of who he was quickly came down crashing on me, I had no reason to hate him.
Maybe it's the change of scenery. Maybe this Greendale trip is just too rich in uncanny coincidences, who knows, once back in Melrose, perhaps I'll go back to despising him? I might just be drunk on gratitude right now. I'm not sure.
Here's what I'm definitely sure of: I will never speak of my feelings, to anyone, ever.
He looks like he likes me but I might just be a challenge to him. Just a girl who bruised his ego at first and the minute I give in and tell him I like him, I'd be another rag he conquered. I'd have lasted four months.
I shivered at that thought.
If you think I was going to go all tiger mode, seduce him and slay any other competition. You thought oh so very wrong.
That is not how we operate in my self-doubt filled book.
We shamelessly hide. We tell no soul. We have too much pride for that. We will not put ourselves in a position of vulnerability where there's a chance of being rejected. Especially not by him. I would never recover socially. We wait for the feelings to water down with time and we concentrate hard on playing it cool. Borderline acting like we hate him because we're mentally stuck in kindergarten.
You don't like my plan? You haven't seen the girls I've seen him talk to at school. Victoria Secret should recruit from his Iphone contact list. Forget it, I'm not going after him. I'm not going to let myself get hurt. This kills me to admit but he's way out of my league. The very fact that I'm on this yacht makes me speechless to begin with.
I lowered my head and fluttered my eyelashes at that thought. He noticed and tilted his head.
Right!
This is wrong!
This whole date is wrong!! I shouldn't be in here. I'm not the girl for this. The girl at his house. The girl at the carnival. All those girls that talk to him at school. Those would fit so much better in this situation.
What am I doing here?
I lifted my head towards him and I could just feel the hurt in my heart.
"Take me home!" I breathed out. His smile disappeared into a frown and I pushed past him.
"are you alright?" he simply asked and I nodded.
"yeah, no, I'm fine but the date's over.." I ramble and he frowned further.
"why?" he asked confused and I walked away shaking my head.
"because we're even now.." I grimaced at my own words and heard him dangerously follow me back into the deck area.
"what did you say?" that question made me shudder.
No! Don't say it! Don't reduce this lovely evening into a calculated exchange.
"you said we'd be even if I went to dinner with you, I did! I don't owe you anything now, I want to go home!" I said coldly while pretending to look for my jacket, looking everywhere but his face "can you tell them to go back ashore?" I turned towards him and then froze. His face had dangerous stillness in it.
"Interesting.." His calm voice made me quiver, "I wonder what went through your head just now for this sudden change in behavior.." he inquired and my heart jumped.
The truth. The reality of the situation went through my head, that's what!
Don't say it!
"I paid the debt!" I blurted out coldly right before hating every cell in my own existence.
Don't hurt him! Don't make him hate you like you hate yourself!
"Ah. The debt" he repeated to himself thoughtful but I could tell mild anger was starting to creep its way into his being, "very well.." he looked at me with resolve mixed with fury and I swallowed hard, "let's clear all debts." he marched towards me and I backed away until my back hit the wall.
"What are you..." I panicked but before I could finish asking the question, he grabbed the skirt of my dress and slid his hand through the slit, caressing my thigh and I gasped. His other arm wrapped around my waist to bring my chest upwards so it'd be against his. My feet were dangling off the ground. My neck was going to snap at how far up I had to look to meet his eyes. They were livid.
"You want to know how much debt I got into because of you these past few days? How many meetings I cancelled? I'm sorry to say but dinner hardly pays it back.." his voice was gravely.
"have you gone mad? Get off me!" I tried to push him away but the hand on my thigh caught my wrist and pinned it harshly against the wall at my head level. He kept looking at me with a marble face.
"You want to be even, how about we head for the chambers area?" he brought his face closer and I couldn't read if he was serious or just trying to get a rise out of me.
This was cruel. How can he say that?
"You cancelled those meetings on your own will. You said dinner would make up for everything" I almost shout and he grinned. A dark, dangerous glow in his eyes.
"I lied.."he said then his hand went to the strap of my dress and his finger wrapped around it, clutching and pulling it upwards. Almost teasing to bring it down and to be honest, every fiber in my body wanted him to do it, pull it, cup my breasts in his palm and kiss me, "You showed up in this delightfully inviting dress and got my hopes up, don't tell me you did it just to be a cock tease?..." he put his lips to my ear, "It's not like you to be so provocative, is it?" he whispered and I breathed out. He's right, this should be a clue that this dress wasn't my idea, "I've had one thought on my mind the whole day.." he continued, his breath on my ear was making me shiver, "what will it take for me to fuck you, Alexa? How can I buy you?.." he asked, his voice was breathless and his finger slid the strap down to undress my shoulder and I sank into the abysses at those words.
I felt like my heart got footballed out of my rib cage into a Touchdown. Who the fuck does he think he is? Is this what he thinks of me? He can buy me? Like I'm some cheap, scholarship slut?
Markus.
Markus's words echoed in my head as well as a déjà -vu feeling.
I flinched. I never made the connection but I'm starting to see similarities between the situation I'm in right now and the one at home with Markus and it makes me shudder. I can't believe I never saw it. Alexander was pinning me to the wall, saying crude things just like Markus does. Just because Alexander was my age, better looking and in a better situation. It made me oblivious to almost liking it.
Am I so shallow?
I started panting. My body grew uncomfortably hot. It felt like my veins were injected with venom and my vision was distorting.
Everyone.
Everyone wants to take advantage of me.
Why? Am I not worth anything than a hole with nobody to guard it? No parents. No dad. No brother. Not anyone who'd care if it got taken against my will. Am I that easy of a prey?
At least I don't feel guilty for ruining the mood since he just shot it down completely. I can't believe how stupid I was. Of course I didn't fit in this situation. Of course there was some disgusting, sick undertone to it.
He thought the dress was a sign from me. I didn't pick it. I was just trying to cooperate with the maid. I should have come with my jeans and my shirt. No! Actually, I shouldn't have come at all. I should have found another way to show gratitude. Did I expect something else?
I felt hot liquid run thought my cheeks. I was crying and I only realized it now.
I'm so dumb!
I'm so beyond stupid!
The worst part is, I don't hate him right now..
I sobbed again.
This hurts.
I looked up at him after a few moments of silent weeping and he had dropped the strap of my dress back on my shoulder and was now looking into the side with his hand rubbing the back of his head, uncomfortable. His face morphed into confusion and embarrassment. Like he didn't know what to do with a crying girl in his arms.
"here come the tears again..." he looked at me annoyed and I frowned and punched his bicep but it hurt me more than him.
Is HE annoyed with me? Can he not hear himself when he talks?
"you're an asshole, Alexander!" I cried out, holding my aching hand that just hit him and he smiled before grabbing it and putting my fingers to his lips. He kissed my hand ever so gently.
"stop crying.." he put his face so close to mine, I almost thought his lips were going to hit the tip of my nose, "I'm not going to rape you, I just asked a question, you're too resistant, you don't respond to anything but with utter loathe!" he whined and I blinked.
Thank god I decided to keep my feelings a secret. If he thinks I'm resistant, I'll never speak of them ever.
"everybody has a price, what do you want? I'll make it happen.." I couldn't believe how insensitive he was being right now.
How dumb can a guy get? Doesn't he realize that, with a little consideration, some honest genuine care, a woman would not only give her body but her soul to a man. But he's just asking for the body and that doesn't have a price. They come as a pair in my case, I'm sorry. You take them both or leave them both.
I sniffed around and tried to wiggle out of his grip.
"Get the hell away from me, you dog!" I spat, tired and angry.
"why the sudden spite?" He asked and I pursed my lips.
"it's not sudden, it's been building up for four months and now it's finally emerging as pure genuine hate" I spit out and he put his face in my neck and squeezed me tight.
"It's fine, Alexa, hate me, loath me, despise me, but just name your price shortly after!" he murmured and I jerked myself away from him.
FUCKING.ASSHOLE!
"Oh my god!" I screamed, he looked like he had no idea what he said or did wrong, "I was an IDIOT to think there was more to you than a pig in heat! The stupid dress isn't even that sexy and wasn't my idea to begin with and if there was a price to fucking me, you could never afford it. Take me home, take me home now or I'll jump off the fucking boat because getting hypothermia again is so much better than spending two more seconds next to you!"
Tired. Angry. Bitter and hurt. Those were the feelings I came home with that night.
This is it. The feelings of attachment, attraction and maybe love I had towards Alexander are to be completely destroyed. Annihilated. This is my new mission.
I am now officially at war with love.
Until I no longer feel anything for him.
Until I'm numb from his presence.
I need a hobby. A distraction. More activities. I will look into afterschool programs. I will go towards other guys more. I need to scatter my stupid teenage hormones into different guys not just one. I'm not sure how efficient this will be but I'll give it a try. I will occupy myself with more things.
Mark my words, I will kill these feelings, shoot them dead like a diseased horse!
Or my name is not Alexa Spencer.