I have a confession:
When Alexander thought I was on a date and got all angry, my ego took a few steps up a rather tall ladder. Hey, it only took like a couple steps up. Okay! Calm down!
It's not like it catapulted into outer space or anything. Everything was fine. A little boost never hurt nobody.
When he burned my uniform in front of me, it marched right back down the ladder and fell into its original place. Which, I'm completely fine with.
I don't get high up on my horse for too long anyways.
But me being on Alexander's lap, crying, and him making me do anything he wanted in exchange for replacing my uniform that, alone, completely knocked my poor little ego down on its ass.
Alexander had me imprisoned in his arms. One hand on my waist and the other on my lap.
"I don't hate you" I whisper shyly. Despite everything, I really didn't. He almost started purring when I said those words and I felt his muscles tense because he suddenly held into me tighter. A little too tight but I was too wrapped up in the moment to notice. I breathed in his scent. My forehead was on the base of his neck and my hands were on his shoulder. I felt so tiny and helpless in his arms. Lava was running through my veins. I was just about to slid my hands down and run them through his hard muscled chest when all of a sudden, he slammed me against the steering wheel and threw his hands on both sides of my body, leaning in dangerously close.
"Then why the hell did you say you were on a date?" he sneered, angry and I blinked.
"It was a joke" my heart started to jump.
"Were you trying to make me jealous?" He sounded very bitter and I flinched.
"What? No.."I lied. Okay, maybe I was trying to get a reaction. I don't know. It's not Alexa, it's the dumb bitch that was filling in, remember?
"Were you trying to get back at me for leaving with Vanessa during the festival?" he started and I almost got an aneurism.
Oh my god, is he a mind reader? How did he know that it pissed me off?
Also, finally, her freaking name was Vanessa.
I forget. I forget!! I keep forgetting! He only acts like an idiot. He's not actually one. He can very much read into situations and behaviors. Damn it, Alexa, you know this already!
Did he leave with her on purpose just to mess with me?
"It's just like you to be so arrogant you'd think I would care about what you do in your free time" I spit out.
Lies, those were!
"you don't care?" he tried to confirm and I nodded, "do you want to know what happened after we left?" he asked.
I really didn't.
To be frank, I was kind of hoping for a happy twist ending to that story. Like he'd say they didn't do anything.
That they just watched the parade, and he dropped her home and went to his house without even kissing her goodbye after. That he deleted her phone number before going to bed and wasn't interested in her anymore.
Like he was looking for something else. Someone else.
I breathed in and he tilted his head.
"I fucked her" He continued, "I pounded her, hard, right here, in this car.." He brought me closer to him firmly "...And it was great"
It was like two cold hands grabbed a hold of my tiny little heart and squeezed it tight. It was sharp and painful but I couldn't rub the pain away, it was on the inside.
"Stop.." I lowered my head but he grabbed my chin and made me meet his eyes.
"Wanna know the details?" he asked and I really, really didn't. I hated it.
It was way too much information for me to handle.
"I really don't care, so there's no point in telling me.." I lied again and he dropped his hands to grab my hips and I squealed.
"She was sitting on my lap, just like how you are right now, except she was taking all my length in.." He moved my hips in a back and forth motion against him and I almost started helping him, I couldn't breathe anymore, I never thought words could physically hurt, "she rode me so good! She was screaming and moaning and trashing all over me, it was insane.", he looked straight at me and my heart almost shattered but the thing is, I still didn't want to get off his lap. I felt very possessive of him and I wanted to just end Vanessa. Just end her.
I wanted to handcuff him to me and never let him be alone with another girl again.
It sucked. Because I had no right to be upset. But I still was.
Remember my poor little ego that was knocked on its ass the minute my uniform bit the dust?
Well, now it was being kicked around like a foot ball.
What do you do in those situations? I'll tell you what you do, you lock the dumb bitch away and you bring back Alexa.
The real deal. The one that takes crap from nobody.
I stopped the movement of my hips and slapped his hands away from me.
"You should write smut for middle aged women" I started twisting my hair into a top knot and he tilted his head like a confused dog at my change of demeanor, "however, let's not drive away from the main point; I am not in this position because I want to. I am merely giving in to your bratty little tantrums so that I get my damn refund" I pushed my leg off his lap and sat back on my seat and he didn't move, apparently dumbfounded by my words.
"Take me back; I don't want to be found dead in the middle of nowhere, especially not with a stupid goon in the car with me..."I put my seatbelt on and he looked baffled for a second but it didn't last as his lips twitched into a smile and he turned the engine on while shifting gears. Seemingly amused.
Damn it!
Did he bite into it? That I didn't care, or is he smiling because he knows I was hurt by his words?
"I did what you asked, if you want to piss me off, rather than telling me about your car sex adventure, you just need to not to keep your promise, that'll work a whole lot better..." I raised my eyebrows and grabbed my phone out of my pocket to call Hong while he started driving back.
I'm not dealing with this shit anymore.
Crap! I had no signal. I put my phone back in my pocket and sighed.
Yes, I was really pissed at what I just heard.
Why should it bother me? It shouldn't but it did.
Maybe my ego wasn't down after all. Maybe it was really high up in the sky, with all the attention he's given me from the moment we became partners, it made me entitled to think he shouldn't give any other girls attention.
But he's a dude. He gave a random bitch the same attention and even more, so you know what that means?
It means I'm not relevant to him. It means I'm just some new girl he's going to mess around with and then forget about as soon as he's tired of me.
And that's not what I am. I am to be considered, thought about and taken seriously. No matter how much he tries to deny me that, I will keep insisting and fighting until he respects it.
And I'm not talking about relationship respect. I want nothing to do with him aside from lab assignments. I want genuine respect as a fellow classmate and individual. Genuine human consideration. I'm not going to ask him to treat me like a girl or a friend; I just want these stupid games to stop.
And that will never happen if I give in to my own impulses and do what he says because I also want it. For some reason, I seem to have very little resistance against him.
So I'm going to set a couple of rules down for future references:
Never give in to instant reward. Ever.
Prioritize. Always.
Say "No" to him when necessary. You don't need him to like you. You don't need his approval.
I took shit from my dad, Markus, and various men in my lifetime who ruined everything good I ever had. I swore I would never allow myself to be treated like a rag again by any douchlord.
I don't deserve this. I am too strong, too determined, too hardworking, too smart, too driven, and too serious for this. I don't goof around.
The joke about being on a date with Hong was stupid. It wasn't like me to be this petty and manipulative to get a reaction. It's never a good idea to combine those two things together. I should know better.
I owe myself an apology.
This shit ends right here, right now.
We kept quiet for the remaining of the ride and when he neared my house, my phone rang in my pocket. I picked up as Alexander was pulling into my house.
"Hey Hong, I'm so sorry about earlier, where are you?" I started and instead of getting angry, Alexander turned the engine off and leaned back on his seat before getting his own phone out of his pocket.
I started grabbing my bag and getting ready to leave.
"I am home! Are you okay? Did you get your uniform back?" Hong was so considerate. I didn't even expect him to care about that or remember.
"Well" I started while pushing the car door open, "I definitely am going to." I glanced towards Alexander and he smirked while keeping his eyes on his Smartphone.
Do you want to know why I'm so confident? It's because ever since he made me cry before agreeing to take the makeup quiz, I came to realize that the upper hand is never handed to you, you have to reach and grab it.
See, he wasn't looking, but when he lit my uniform on fire, the first thing I did was reach for the dash cam, I grabbed the SD card and put it in my pocket. It was recording and basically had footage of Alexander burning my uniform.
I could file a complaint and I had video proof.
And like I said, the uniform in Eastwell is like their flag. If you burn it, it's a giant "fuck you!" to the school. I'm pretty sure that video will not only get me a free uniform but also get him suspended.
But I'm not heartless. I'll give it back as long as he keeps his promise.
I walked out of the car and slammed the door as hard as I could. I walked over to his window and he looked out at me.
"Why the smug attitude? I haven't even refunded you yet!" he smiled and for the first time, I smiled back.
Fuck with me !
"I'm not even sure you're human at this point" I started and he frowned, confused and also...slightly shaken by those words for some reason, "you're like an evil genie that just spawns out of thin air whenever I'm having a good day and then ruins it" I continue and the frown was replaced by a relieved smile. He turned the car engine on and looked at me with a half annoyed, half amused look.
"..and you're like an algorithm that's programmed to only ever think about grades.." He remarked and I was now the one frowning.
"How is that a bad thing?" I inquired.
How? How is that even remotely bad?
I should be handed a gold medal for that.
"It is to me, I don't seem to be in your database, but don't worry, soon, I'll be the only thing in there..."he teased and with those words, he drove off.
I'm actually scared of the possibility of that happening.
In fact, I'm already starting to see the updates in my code.
Once I got home, I immediately checked the SD card I took from the Dashcam of the car. It did have a video of Alexander burning my uniform. I saved it to my laptop with a huge grin.
It feels good to have leverage for once.
This is just precaution though. I won't use it unless necessary.
For some reason, I kept re-watching the video over and over just to look at Alexander. I felt like a creepy stalker but I was kind of mesmerized by his walk. His stance. His back. Every time he moved he looked so cool and collected. It's also like I had unlimited access to his presence and it made me kind of giddy.
After my shower, I realized I had bruises on my hips and waist.
Oh, for crying out loud!
Is he a caveman? Why does he have to be so rough? The worst part is that the whole time he held me, it looked like he was actually holding his strength back and trying to be delicate.
Dude needs to get off the juice.
The morning that followed was an interesting one.
See, I no longer had a uniform to put on. Keep in mind, the hall monitors at this school are like nine year old Fortnite players. Holding giant hammers and roaming around, waiting for unfortunate students who violate dress code to pop out so they can bring them to their knees.
You may be asking; it's only a white blouse and black pants, just do like Victoria and grab something similar, no one will notice.
Listen, Victoria's parents pay for her tuition. She can steer trouble, break school property or cause a vegetarian riot at the cafeteria. If she gets caught violating dress code, she'll get detention and call it a day.
I could lose my scholarship and be kicked out of here so fast my head will spin.
Since I still had the school skirt. I had no choice but to wear that in the freezing cold Melrose November weather. I put on black tights underneath and my lab coat over the fake blouse I got so no one would notice the difference. I'll avoid the monitors and the principal if I see them.
I need my uniform back. Fast. I don't feel safe in this blouse. I don't feel warm in this skirt. In fact, I was shaking from the cold.
As I walked into the hallway, I rubbed my hands together, feeling my extremities go numb and my lips chap from lack of blood circulation. I was shivering.
God, I need a pair of pants and a jacket.
Suddenly, I felt my heart race as I saw something I wasn't expecting.
Cole Brown was at his locker.
I didn't see him at all after our lunch date the other day. He didn't come to school for two weeks.
I wonder what the hell they do when they're away for that long. I wonder if he does the same thing as Alexander. Stay in, hook up with girls and call it a day.
He doesn't look like the kind of guy who'd do that.
As I was nearing him, I kept wondering: do I say "Hi"? Are we acquaintances? Do I just brush through him and go to class?
I couldn't even finish my over-thinking ceremony when he turned his eyes towards me while closing his locker door then smiled, "Good morning you!"
I don't know why, but the way he said it made it sound like we weren't acquaintance but rather best friends forever.
"Hi!" I smiled back. Embarrassed, "you're back.." I exclaimed, giddy.
"Miss me?" he teased and I felt my face go red.
Wait, he's joking around with me? When did we get this close?
I couldn't help the grin as I broke eye contact, timidly.
He suddenly looked at me up and down then frowned.
"Aren't you cold, Alexa? Your lips are blue and the skirt is a little out of season..." he reached his hand to touch my cheek and I blinked.
He almost made contact with me when I saw two girls turn towards us and then give me the biggest, most evil glare in the history of Satanism.
Does he have fangirls at this school or something? Jeez!
I instantly backed away in fear they'd wait for me after class to beat my scholarship ass into oblivion and my back bumped against a hard chest. I lifted my head upwards and saw Alexander, towering over me, looking at Cole.
I noticed those two mainly communicated in stares.
"I need to borrow this evil little human for a sec.." Alexander grabbed my elbow and Cole put his backpack over one shoulder. An irritated expression on his face.
Did he just call me "Evil little human"? WHO'S THE EVIL ONE YOU SPAWN OF HITLER?!!
"We're having a conversation" Cole groaned and I yanked my arm away from Alexander's grip.
"Yeah, we're busy! And I have nothing to say to you.." I sass, still pissed at him because of yesterday but at the same time happy about his presence near me. Don't ask me. This makes as much sens to me as it does to you.
Alexander tilted his head at me with a smile.
"Is that so? I guess you won't be needing this then.." He taunted while waving a bag at my face then turning his back to leave.
That bag!!! That's the bag they give you when they hand you a new uniform. I have the same at home!
I turned towards Cole, panicked.
"I'm sorry; I have to talk to him!" I explain before heading for where Alexander was going. He took the door to our lab room and I trailed behind him. We had about 20 more minutes before class started so you bet the room was empty. When I opened the door and walked in. I noticed the blinds weren't even open.
The light flickered and Alexander came towards me with a grin.
He seemed very amused today, which wasn't surprising. He's always nonchalant so I shrugged it off.
He gave me the bag, I took it hastily and looked inside, then frowned.
Wait, it didn't just have the pants and the blouse that he burned. It had everything.
The pants, the blouse, the skirt, the gym shorts, gym shirt, gym pants, school swimsuit and the winter jacket and a lab coat.
I looked at it confused. I already had all of these. I just needed the blouse and the pants. Which were the main elements of my uniform.
I raised my head at him and he was at our table. Leaning against it while facing me. Amused as hell.
Why is he grinning? Why is he so hot?
"I just needed the pants and the blouse.." I inform and he crossed his arms while tilting his head.
"If you don't want the rest, I'll throw it out" He reached toward the bag and I pushed it behind me, protective.
"I'm not surprised at your wastefulness!" I spit.
Spoiled wealthy brat.
I'll take it though. You can purchase double uniform items but I didn't have the money obviously. This would make laundry very easy.
"Well, I have no use for it, it's a female uniform, not that I'd wear one to begin with.." he shrugged.
Since we're addressing it, I really wanted to ask.
"why don't you ?" I started, curious and he raised his eyebrows at me "why don't you ever wear the uniform?" I repeated. Most importantly, why does not one yell at him for it?
He's breaking dress code everyday and it's not even subtle like when Victoria does it.
Right now, he was wearing dark grey sweat pants with a white printed hoodie and a denim jacket. Don't get me wrong, he looks good. He's wearing sweatpants but he's well put together. His clothes always seemed like they were being worn for the first time. And maybe they were.
He kept silent for a moment then titles his head with a smile.
"you took the SD card from my Dashcam" he bit his lower lip and my eyes widened.
Oh my god, HE NOTICED ?
uh oh!
Abort mission! Abort mission!
"It was just...precaution! I wasn't going to rat you out, I don't enjoy specifically morphing into rodents.." I mumbled that last part and he lowered his head. I could see his shoulders shake from silent laughter and anxiety took over me.
What is he laughing at?
I took a step back and he raised his ocean eyes at me suddenly with a huge grin. I blinked and his stare became smoldering. He took a step towards me dangerously.
"I have to hand it to you, Alexa! You're a fucking challenge!" He inched in and I backed off.
"It's too late for flattery!" retort ironically, really hurt by him calling me that.
Why am I hurt by that? You don't fucking need him to like you nor do you need his approval. If he thinks i'm difficult, then all hail!
I plant my feet firmly on the ground and take a deep breath.
Focus!
"Here's how this is going to play out: I will take this uniform into the safety of the girls' gym locker where I will get changed for the day and tomorrow I'll give you your SD card back" I raised my eyebrows and his lips stretched into a grin while he came closer and I backed off even more, hitting the cold wall behind me which made me shiver.
Why do I always find myself imprisoned by him? Why is he always in position of power?
He leaned closer and his eyes were now glistering with thrill.
"Oh, sweetheart" He started, "you have no idea who you're fucking with.." he warned dangerously and I dropped my gaze. Not being able to look at him anymore. I felt very little will to sass him.
To be honest, Alexander is a very frightening guy, but for some reason, I actually feel safer with him around. Like he'd never hurt me.
Even though he did on many occasions. Physically and emotionally.
He forcibly grabbed my chin so that my eyes met his.
"look at me when I'm ta..." he stopped talking then his brows knitted together as he quickly put his whole palm on my cheek.
The amused looks was wiped from his face and replaced by a serious one.
"why are you so cold ?" he panicked and I blinked at his change of demeanor.
"what do you mean, "why" ? it's 46 degrees out.." I complain and he started putting his hands all over me. His palms first on my forehead, then my jaw then my neck. He squeezed my arms then took my icy cold hands in his to feel them while I stayed put. Confused.
I realized that, unlike mine, his hands were burning hot. It felt so nice.
"You're freezing, why are you freezing?..." He query.
"well ..." I blinked twice, not knowing how to respond to that, "It's cold out..." I explained again in an obvious tone and he frowned.
"It's not that cold out" he contradicted then stopped and looked at me baffled, "Is it?" he blinked "is 46 degrees too cold for you?..." he asked sincerely and I frowned.
He's wearing a thick denim jacket, of course he's not going to feel it.
"It is, and I'm wearing a skirt !" I bluster.
Suddenly, he grabbed me by the shoulders and brought me in towards him. I slammed against his chest and his hand grabbed the back of my head to hold me against his heart while his other hand started going up and down my back to generate heat.
He looked alarmed and anxious.
The heat from his body felt heavenly though.
"you bleed when falling, you bruise when grabbed and you freeze when it's cold out?.." he complained and I grimaced.
Well...DUH!
He's listing obvious human conditions like they're news to him.
I'm going to kick him if he keeps using that condescending tone with me. As if he doesn't go through the same shit just as much as me.
"How cold is too cold for you? Are you prone to dying in snowy weather?" he asked, concerned and I couldn't help but chuckle.
Is he an idiot?
"if I'm wearing this outfit, yeah." I jokingly confirm and his entire body tensed. He grabbed me tighter.
"..this has to be a joke, one can't be this vulnerable.." He suddenly critiqued and I pursed my lips.
Can he stop being so rude, please?
I might take more time to burn calories than a man but I can't help it! My metabolism is low. I'm a girl.
I suddenly realized I was in his arms and even thought it felt lovely and warm and tearing away from him at the moment was like being thrown out of the comfort of a warm bed into an ice shower, I had to back off. He was cutting out my breathing.
I couldn't raise my lungs anymore and I was starting to feel light headed.
Also, I won't give in to his caprices just because it feels good on my side. Although it seemed like he was genuinely concerned about me.
"Get off me!" I tried to push myself back but he just kept his hold on my back, cutting my respiration for good and I started panting.
Holy hell, let go of me!
"don't move!" He tightened his hold on me and I gasped for air.
The bell suddently rang. I panicked.
Soon, this room was to be filled with students and I wasn't planning on my whole classroom walking in on us like this. I pushed again harder feeling myself getting dizzy from lack of oxygen.
"I said let go, I need to go change before class starts" I whined and he dropped his hands at those words.
I could finnally breath in deep. I started panting heavily and he noticed right away. He then ran a shaky hand through his hair before looking at me. His hand reached for my arms to touch me slightly.
"...don't tell me that was too tight" he took a deep breath then shook his head "..Oh for fuck's sake..." he mumbled and then took the door.
Looking very annoyed.
What, in god's name, is his damn deal?