I think that day really helped Raph. It helped him grip onto what is now his reality, grip onto the good things in it. Every day since then I watched him smile just a little more each day, usually when Sam came over. They still didn't really talk much and if so, it was usually Sam talking a mile a minute until he realised he was the only one talking, then blushed and turned quiet. Usually, they would sit there and Sam would draw. He had a real talent, that child, and as I watched his hand move over his canvas swiftly and in complete control, creating images of pure beauty, I was reminded of my own mate's talent. I hadn't seen Raph with a violin since that last time I went to see him at his concert. After realising this clear connection, even with the lack of blood relation, between the two, every time seeing them together, Sam drawing and Raph watching, hurt me.
Today, as would sometimes be the case, my mother came along as well. And while Raph is watching Sam mindlessly doodle, my mother and I are watching them. My head is lying on her shoulder and my heart is squeezing painfully. I imagine what it would be like to see Raph play again and simultaneously wonder how I could have gone so many years without noticing something so profound was missing from my mate's life.
I close my eyes to try and shut out the negative emotion. While Raph has been doing much better, I never feel like I take any steps forward. If anything, I take a few backwards every once in a while.
A gentle touch to the bridge of my nose makes me open my eyes back up. My mother isn't looking at me, but she has a smile just as gentle as her touch on her face, clearly meant for me. Her finger slowly moves upwards, unwinding the knots of pain my furrowed eyebrows have caused right over my nose. When my forehead is smoothed out, her touch leaves and she lets her hand rest in her lap. I smile back at her, even if she can't see it, repositioning my head on her shoulder, before I continue watching my mate and his brother.
Sam glances over his shoulder quickly before looking back down, biting onto his lower lip lightly. Then he quickly leans into Raph's side and whispers something in his ear. Raph turns around as well, looking at me with a quizzical look, before nodding. He stands up slowly, walking over to us and finally reaching out his hand. I look at it, momentarily confused, before I reach up to grab it. However, my mother's hand is faster than me and grasps my mate's hand in a strong and secure hold. I look up, even more confused, to see Raph and my mother smiling at each other as he pulls her to her feet and then they are both gone, out the front door. Raph and I haven't really been apart at all, we were always somehow touching one another to, in my case, ground and reassure myself. We haven't been apart, let alone out of eyeshot. It feels weird and wrong and the first thing I instinctively want to do is run after them to make sure I know he's okay. It's a strange concoction of fear, worry and loneliness and it boils down to a ball of panic lodged deep in my stomach.
But before I can get to my feet, Sam's timid voice holds me back.
'Donny?' My head snaps over in his direction, only to find him standing just a few feet away from me. I don't answer him, just look at him. I can't quite make out what I'm feeling apart from that nagging sense of panic about not having Raph right next to me. Instinctively, my head turns back to the door, through which he left.
'Donny?' he asks again and my brows go back to furrowing. I don't know what he's asking. I'm right here. But I don't look at him, even though my head swivelled back to him, my eyes are turned towards his shoes. We stay in this little bubble of awkward energy that is laced with my own impatience to go and find my mate for a while. Neither of us moves, even though I so, so desperately want to.
'Donny?' This time, his voice wobbles a bit, and breaks at the end. I cautiously look further up, seeing his hands clenched into fists at his side, slightly shaking. As my eye travel further up, I can see the way his shoulders are lifted, almost right to his ears, and his mouth is set in a hart line. And, even further up, his eyes are slightly glistened over, as if they are soon going to be filled with unshed tears. His chin is trembling a tiny bit and I feel myself somehow fascinated by his expressive face. Before I turned away to look after Raph, his face almost looked blank. Now, there is so much emotion there, it's hard for me to compute. The longer I stare at him, the more his eyes glisten and the more his chin trembles and somewhere it my head something tells me that I should probably do something, but somehow, I can't.
Finally, shakily, his mouth opens, as if to speak, but there is no sound leaving. And now that his lower lip is released from it's hold by his teeth, it's shaking just as badly, if not worse, than his chin.
After a few painful seconds of his mouth hanging open and his chin trembling and his lips shaking and his eye glistening, finally he's saying something.
'Donny?' And this time it's almost like a slap. It's small and it's timid, but there's so much pain that it shakes me awake and immediately I reach out to him. Without a second of hesitation he falls to his knees and I hug him to me with a desperation I wasn't even really sure I would ever again be able to muster up.
My hand is what is shaking now as it pushes his head into my shoulder, the other one at his side as my arm is strongly wrapped around him.
'I'm sorry,' I say, 'I'm here now, I promise.' My voice is just as small as his, raspy from not having used it for so long, but it holds a lot more truth than I felt myself capable.
'I missed you so much!' he is crying into my shoulder in a way that I know, were this a few years ago, I would have made casual fun of him. Snot is running out of his nose, tears are finally gathering in and falling from his eyes, joining his snot in an ugly mess on my top. But I don't care, can't care, as I'm holding this boy in my arms that means so much to me. I remember back when he came here on his own, a human boy, barely more than a small child in my eyes, covering this distance, not knowing what might have awaited him, to find his brother. And me. To find his brother and me. I remember bringing him to the border and having to let him go and how the only thing I wanted to do in that moment was take him back with me or follow him to make sure he'd be okay. And here I am, watching this boy falling apart and having to be called so often by him to even come to my senses enough to hug him.
My hand painfully clutches the fabric on his back as I try to not fall apart - again.
'I missed you too, Sam.' I answer him finally.
As I say his name, a short memory comes to my mind and I can't help but release a little chuckle. At the same time Sam's wails turn quieter and finally into messy hiccups.
'What?' he asks with a hoarse voice.
I hum for a second before closing my eyes and answering.
'Sam and Donny. Only family, right?' Now, he chuckles back, slightly sitting back, not out of my arms but far enough so I'm not crushing him with my arms anymore. I have to remember that he is human.
'Only family.'
His smile as he looks at me is so radiant, even through the many tear stains on his cheeks, the tiny bit of snot still hanging out of his nose, his dishevelled hair and the redness of his eyes. I laugh as I look at him and it feels so freeing, like a weight is lifted off my shoulder.
I'm starting to realise that the more people I'm confronted with, the better I feel.
I reach up with my sleeve pulled partially over my hand and roughly wipe under Sam's nose. He squeezes one eye shut while trying to look threatening with the other, which only makes him seem incredibly cute and I can't help but laugh again.
That's when I hear a quiet knock at the door and when I look over, leaning against the giant tree root is my mate. In that moment, I feel so much happiness wash over me that I let out another loud bout of laughter. Even Raph smiles slightly at that and I can see how much happier he got in that instant by the twinkling in his eyes.
Immediately I get to my feet, not quite knowing what I'm doing, but simply letting my body decide, and rush towards him. My arms go around his waist and I lift him up and twirl us around in circles. His hands are gripping the back of my neck in an attempt to not fall and the more I twirl us around and the more I feel dizzy, the more I can see the smile widening on his face until eventually, I can't tell whose laughter it is that I'm hearing all around me.
It's a truly strange experience to feel so much happiness all of a sudden. I know it won't last very long and I know these moments will be truly rare, but I can't help but want to drown in it. In the feeling my mate and Sam and my mother give me.
Once I stop, I can see both Sam and my mother standing off to the side, laughing with us and my mother radiates pride in a way I've never seen before and maybe this is worth it then.
I'm so dizzy that I struggle to keep myself on my feet and so I let myself fall, half out of the doorway and half in my home, my head snuggly padded by the gras and my body warm by Raph's that fell on top of me. I reach my arms out on either side of me, staring up into the sky, unable to cope with right now and before I know it, I have my own tears running down my temples into the soft grass.
I can feel Raph adjusting on top of me, resting his head on my chest and letting out a quiet sigh.
When I finally look away from he sky I see Sam and mum sitting to our side, leaning against the roots that make up our home, talking and smiling between themselves and this moment is almost perfect. Almost. Because right then, as I admire Sam and mum and my mate, I hear the Alpha's voice projecting to my, and probably Raph's, thoughts.
Come to the pack house. Clarissa is back.