In the morning, I know I don't have a choice but to talk to mum. I know she worries, but it's hard to tell what she struggles with the most.
Zach is still contently snoring when I leave the room and as expected, mum is sitting on the kitchen table, a pot of tea and two mugs ready.
'Hey.' I say. She looks up and smiles at me. It's not her usual overly excited and happy smile that takes over her face completely, but it at the very least it doesn't feel like a sad one to me.
It takes us a few minutes to go from just sitting there and staring at our too hot teas to get to this seemingly long overdue conversation.
'He makes you really happy, huh?'
It's quite embarrassing how it takes me less than a second to answer with a way too excited yes. And it's not even an overreaction. Raph makes me feel much more alive than I ever have before.
My face earns me a quick chuckle, at which I can only hide my face in my hands.
'I can tell, you know.' her lopsided grin makes me feel just a tiny bit better. I am quite worried about her, but I can tell she's not having a hard time because of herself.
'Well, I'm not surprised.' I grumble. Really, with the way we've been behaving around her, anyone would have noticed.
"That's a problem.' That has me stop mid movement, 'I mean, in the current situation it's a problem. You don't want anyone to know and I understand that.' She stops for a moment, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before continuing, 'I would tell them.'
My heart seems to stop then.
It's not that I haven't played with that thought. I want to tell everyone. Partly so that no one would try to touch him anymore, but mostly so I don't ever have to hold back. Staying away from him when all I want to do is kiss him is simply too painful.
But there is a distinct fear of us being separated completely would the secret be out that petrifies me. I will take whatever I can get from him and if that means keeping us a secret, that's what must happen.
'I can't risk it. What if they make one of us leave? What if they make us fight?' my voice is small and I barely manage to say the words. I don't like not having the same opinion as mum, it makes me doubt myself. Only now, I don't need that. I'm already doubting my decision every day.
'I know you're afraid. But you wouldn't lose.' my eyes shoot to hers immediately, not believing that she suggested fighting if they brought it up, but she quickly retaliates, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. We both know fighting shouldn't be the way to go. It's just... I'm sorry I don't know how to deal with this either. Lying to them is wrong, you know? And Sheila is suffering too in the process. We won't know what will happen once they find out, but they will. Don't try to kid yourself. They will find out, so please just think about whether telling them before that happens might be a better way.'
'I know.' I give in now. I know she's right and I know it will at least take some of the pressure off my shoulders, but I am afraid.
'Zach told you, didn't he? You've got both of us and you've got Raph. If there's one thing I have tried to raise you to believe it's that home isn't happiness, it's where happiness is.'
It takes me a second to understand her meaning and when I do, I don't know what to respond. There's no way this is really an option.
Zach saves me from having to wrap my head around this right now when he comes in with a loud yawn.
'Good morning my second family. I am going to be generous today and make all of us beautiful people breakfast.' he announces before going to raid our fridge. From behind mum's back, he quickly sends me wink, telling me that he was listening in and come to my rescue on purpose. I don't dare smile and instead opt to awkwardly sip at my still a bit too hot tea.
I can't really get these new thoughts out of my head until the late afternoon, when the doorbell pulls me out of my musings.
When I don't hear anyone opening the door, I groan and go get it myself. I'm not surprised, but I would have appreciated not having to move.
On the other side of the door, I find two familiar faces. I quickly let both Raph and his little brother Sam inside, before leading them to the kitchen. Raph tells Sam to go ahead to the living room before he hugs me to him.
'Hi.' he says.
'Hello.'
'I brought him as a cover. Said I'd take him out, so hopefully they won't be suspicious.'
From where we stand I can see Sam's back in the living room and I immediately feel a pang of guilt. Using a little boy as a way to keep our relationship secret is not okay.
'What's wrong?' Raph asks, probably noticing how unnaturally stiff I grew.
'We'll talk about it later.' I only say, not wanting to get into what is going to be an argument right now.
So I quickly give him a chaste kiss to let him know that nothing is wrong, before heading over to Sam.
I sit on the floor in front of him, crossing my legs in an attempt to sit comfortably.
The boy just looks at me curiously. I can see a lot of suspicion as well, so I'm guessing Raph hasn't told him anything at all. Again, I feel bad for Sam.
'Hey there, buddy. I'm Donny.' I say with a hopeful smile, holding out my hand to him. I'm not really sure why I do it apart from the fact that when I was his age, I felt like a grown up shaking people's hand.
Apparently, he doesn't share the sentiment. He just keeps staring at me.
'Samuel.' he finally answers, my hand still awkwardly hanging in the air. His voice is quite small and just slightly defiant. It's actually kind of cute.
However, I remind myself that this kid is the single most important person in Raph's life, so I want to get along with him. I want Sam to consider me a friend.
'That's a cool name! Can I sit with you?' I ask then, waiting patiently for him to come up with an answer in his little head. While we sit there once again, staring at each other, I hear footsteps behind me, so I'm guessing Raph is in the room.
Sam's eyes quickly flicker behind me before he finally moves over just the tiniest bit. It almost makes me chuckle again, but I keep it in and just sit down beside him, careful not to touch him. Young wolves are very sensitive when it comes to skin contact with someone outside of their pack.
'Thanks Samuel. Wanna tell me how old you are?' I try again. Conversation with him is slightly difficult, but I'm not one to give up.
'Seven.' Again a one syllable, quiet answer. I'm impressed though. He barely looks a day older than five, meaning he is very small for a seven year old pup.
I look up to Raph and he just nods affirmatively; he knows exactly what I'm thinking.
'That's pretty cool. You're almost as big as your older brother now, right?'
The quick nod that he immediately stops once he realises how enthusiastic it looks makes me silently happy and proud to have him react so openly, even though he still tries to hide it.
I don't pressure him anymore and instead let Raph and him have a conversation. I try not to listen in, instead think about how to approach the conversation I'm going to have to have with Raph later, but it's hard to miss how excited and comfortable Sam gets around his older brother and how, at the same time, he tries to tone it down because they don't have their usual privacy.
'Donny?' I hear Raph calling me. I look over, waiting for him to continue.
'Can we stay the night?'
I don't answer him at first, contemplating if that would be a good idea with all those thoughts still being thrown around in my head, but he is looking at me so levelheadedly, willing me to just give in, that I can't say no. So I agree. He kisses me on the cheek as a thank you and I immediately get bright red when I see Sam looking at us curiously.
Later that night, Zach has been put on baby sitting duty and, as expected, he's doing quite a good job considering how hard Sam is to communicate with.
Mum is with them, probably providing mental support for Zach in the process. Both of them know that I will need a bit of time with Raph to work this over. They've even prepared a separate room for Sam so Raph and I can have a proper discussion.
'I think we should consider telling them.' I just flat out confess. I know he's not happy about it when I see his smile fall immediately.
'I don't want to lose you.' he says. I know he's serious and not just looking for excuses. His eyes say it all and it makes me feel bad, but this time I know I'm right.
'What if they find out on their own though? And even if they don't, how long are we going to be able to do this? They'll expect Sheila to have pups sooner or later. If the fact that she's got two mates isn't cleared up soon, they might even expect one of us to leave. What if either you or me need to sleep with-'
'Shut up.' Raph interrupts me. He's got his hands on my neck and roughly pulls me to him, kissing my lips with a strength I'm not unfamiliar with.
I know I shouldn't, but I get as lost in him as I always do and I let him distract me, knowing full well that that is exactly what he's doing this for.