The movement of my hand is a well practiced up and down as I chop some vegetables for a soup. It's an automatic movement, my mind somewhere completely different.
It's Sunday morning and I haven't seen Raphael since we wordlessly pulled apart yesterday. We didn't even share another glance, both of us too uncertain about anything at that point. For me, this is still the case. I don't know or understand what is happening. This sudden need to be close to him isn't something that should have happened. It's just there and I can't help it. It's why I still haven't left the house.
The knife falls onto the floor with a loud clatter, accompanied with a few swear words, as if that would make my new gushing cut go away. I immediately hold it under the faucet of the sink, watching red tainted water swirl down. I almost expect footsteps on the stairs and Raphael asking if I'm alright. Where that comes from I don't know. He's never shown worry in regards to my safety, so why I expect it now I can't explain. But I do. And it feels almost hollow when the house just stays quiet.
After a few minutes I pull my hand away and look for something to put over it until it heals properly. I end up using kitchen towels and masking tape because I can't find anything else.
Then I go back to making my food.
An hour later I finish washing up my plates and head out.
I get rid of my clothes and change into my wolf form. Once my paws touch the ground in rapid succession, I can at least tell myself I feel better, that running is freeing me up a bit from all these constricting worries.
I don't hunt and I don't race, I just run.
My paws only just touch the ground as I push myself, just for the sake of it. Maybe it's to tire myself out so I don't have the energy to think anymore.
All I know is that, when I get back, I'm sweaty all over and it feels wrong to put my clothes on without a shower first. But I do, because everything else is just not an option.
As soon as I step into the shower, everything comes rushing back. Just the fact that I can relax makes my mind wander. It goes back to yesterday morning, to when I kissed Raphael, to when Raphael kissed me back.
I groan and throw my head onto the shower wall, letting the water hit my face. For some reason, I want to cry.
Yesterday, I didn't have any doubts, I just acted. And there's no way to blame it on the alcohol, because by the time we actually woke up, enough time had passed for us to be sober again.
And I haven't seen him since.
Maybe that is the worst part. Maybe I want to laugh about the stupid mistake together with him. Maybe I want to talk it out with him. Maybe I think it's a shame because we actually somehow got along. Maybe I just can't bear to not see him.
I turn off the shower roughly, desperately looking for a distraction, anything. Unfortunately, this is Raphael's house. There is no distraction in a place he spends most of his time in.
I head back to the kitchen, thinking about making a quick snack or something.
It's all still exactly the same as when I left. The bowl of soup I left on the counter is still where I put it, only now, it's empty, like every time I cook.
A small smile finds its way onto my face. I can't stop a certain happiness taking me over, if only for a short while.
My phones vibrates in my pocket then and I walk over to the sofa and sit down before taking it.
'Zach.' I say as a greeting.
'How's my boy doing?' he laughs into my ear. Suddenly, I realise how much I miss this. I don't really have friends here, but back at home I was so close to certain people, I can't believe I never noticed until now.
'I'm okay.' I lie.
'That doesn't sound good.' Zach immediately picks up on these things, I've known him too long for him not to. 'What's up?'
His tone goes from fun to caring in a heartbeat.
I know I can't lie to him, but I feel ashamed. I can't tell him. And even if, there's no way I would do it over the phone.
'I did something I shouldn't have.' I settle with.
Zach is silent for a bit, probably thinking.
'Look, whatever is going on - and I can tell there's a lot - you're amazing. You're strong. And most of all, you're my best friend. So you'll do good.' he says. 'Don't let things get to you. Do what you think is right and go from there. Don't think too much. You're a wolf. We have instincts for a reason. So follow them.'
'It'll go horribly wrong.' I say, knowing exactly what my instincts tell me to do.
'Then I'm still here. If you need me, I'm here. I promise to try and visit soon, so hang in there, okay?'
Somehow, it almost sounds as if he's afraid and that's a first. Zach doesn't do afraid, ever.
'Zach?'
'Yes.'
'I'll be okay.'
After a short silence, there's a clipped laugh on the other end.
'When did we go from me comforting you to the other way around?'
'Since you're way too worried about me.' We both laugh.
'I wish I could hug you.' I say then.
'I wish I could too, buddy.'
'Thank you.'
'Don't worry about it. I'll see you soon and we'll tackle all of it together, yeah? Hang in there.'
'Love you.'
'You too.'
I hang up.
This felt nice. I honestly love Zach with all my heart. He's been my rock for so long, I don't know why I never called him before. I miss him now, way too much.
Both my hands roughly glide over my face before ruffling my hair. I stand up.
Follow my instincts he said.
So I take heavy steps upstairs, not bothering to try and hide the creaking.
I stop in front of his closed door and just stare at the dark wood. I don't do anything. I don't know what to.
Yes, I want to talk to him, but I don't know how. My body is completely frozen.
I hear his breathing then, a steady in and out. He's waiting too.
I stand there for a long time, just listening, not making my mind up, but also not giving up. Maybe I'm waiting for him to open the door, I don't know.
But I stand there for too long entirely.
Suddenly, I can hear a faint car engine coming closer and I know I don't have much more time.
Frantically, I try to think of something, anything, to do. I realise I don't want to be disturbed. I want it to be just Raphael and me. I want to be able to talk this out with him, to understand what this is in the first place. I can't do that with people here.
And I get angry. I get angry at everyone that is coming here, that is preventing me from going into that room now, even though I'm the one not opening the door.
I hate that, with every second I spend standing here the engine gets louder and they are coming closer.
I hate that it took me so long to even come up here. I should have stayed this morning when I made the soup, waited for him to come down, ambushed him if necessary. I should have gone to him sooner.
I also hate him for avoiding me too, for being a coward too and for still waiting in silence for me to open a door he has just as much access too.
When I finally work up the anger to scream at him if nothing else, the door opens downstairs and I hear a familiar voice calling our names.
My hand drops from its position in front of the door handle immediately.
I turn around and walk away, a mix of emotions enveloping me completely. When my foot hits the first step of the stairs, I hear a door open behind me, but I don't dare turn around.
Instead I walk towards the front door, grab all my stuff and come face to face with my mate.
Only then do I realise that all I have been worried about since yesterday morning have been the wrong things.
This is what I should worry about. The fact that this woman is my mate and I have betrayed her.
I should worry about how I can never take this back.
I should worry about how I don't want to take this back.
All I can manage is a tight smile she doesn't seem to pick up on, a quick hug and a whispered goodbye before I leave the house confused and afraid.