Word Count: 1925
~Avila
I take my seat in front of the desk, wiping my damp palms over my clothed thighs.
"Well, this is an interesting situation isn't it?"
The man on the other side of the desk is yet another unfamiliar face. He arrived this morning, and with his presence came a shift in Crimson's behaviour. She strolled downstairs wearing more clothes than I've ever seen on her body with a necklace shaped like angel wings.
It didn't take me long to realise this man represents the Angel's through the church, and is here to consult with Vade and I before our wedding.
"We appreciate your discretion with Avila. She isn't ready to come out to the public just yet," Vade exclaims.
The minister rests his forearms on the desk, smiling at me. "Of course. Your mother informed me that you have lost your memory, so we must conduct this pre-wedding interview again."
The amount of traditions around here is frankly ridiculous.
"We've done this before?" I glance at Vade.
He looks incredible this morning. Considering how pure this process is supposed to be, he looks deliciously sinful in all black, his dark hair swept back messily. From this angle, his jaw looks so sharp the Angel's could use it to slice through their dinner.
I doubt the minister would appreciate such a comment if it slipped out...
"Oh yes you have done this before. Hopefully we will not be repeating past events." The minister shifts uncomfortably.
Vade narrows his eyes slightly, conveying something silently to the man.
I look between them sceptically. "What happened?"
It's Vade who explains. "You arrived late and were flippant about the marriage the whole time. Towards the end you claimed you didn't want to marry me and you broke down in frustration."
The silence from the minister feels like enough to condemn us to the Angel's punishment realm itself. It seems no one is used to Vade's bluntness.
I learnt from Roel that this trait developed in Vade after my death.
"Oh...I'm sorry," I say meekly, wishing I could shrink into the fabric of the chair.
"Sorry?" Vade shakes his head, jaw tight. "You don't need to apologise. You were marrying someone you weren't in love with."
I wonder if he's only sympathetic to my feelings now because he too feels that way...
I suppose that's unfair of me to think. Vade isn't upset at me for resisting the marriage, he is upset at me for treating him so poorly in hopes of getting out of it.
The minister clears his throat. "Alright, shall we begin then?"
Facing him fully again, I nod. This is going to be an uncomfortable experience, but it must be done.
"Now, this interview is just for formality to gauge your feelings about your up and coming nuptials. This is tradition in your family, Avila, to ensure that any concerns may be voiced before the ceremony," he explains, adjusting some notes on the desk.
"Alright..."
"Is there anything you want your partner to know about you before you proceed with your wedding?" He asks, looking between us. "Avila, why don't you start?"
"Ah, well, I want Vade to know that I'm not who I was before...I got sick. I lost my memory, and now I don't know who I am."
I look at the minister as I talk, although I feel the heat of Vade's stare. If I'm going to go through with this damned process, I'm going to do it properly.
The minister steeples his fingers. "Are you hoping to find yourself during your marriage?"
"I hope so. I'm terrified of who I'm expected to be, but strangely, I fear this marriage the least." I finally look at Vade.
As usual, there is nothing readable in his eyes or in his expression. He just watches me silently. At least he's listening intently, taking in all I have to say.
"Vade? What would you want Avila to know?" The minister encourages.
My soon to be husband draws in a deep breath, considering his words. I like that he does that. It means I can trust what he says, knowing he's poured over every word.
"I want her to know that I am willing to marry her. That she doesn't need to worry about me adhering to my duties. I will be exactly who she needs me to be, even if I have reservations," he says smoothly.
Disappointment mellows out any semblance of hope I had before.
"What are these reservations?" the minister inquires.
"She never loved me, and actively despised what was expected of her. Avila has never liked obligations, and I fear that if this marriage is forced upon her, she will remain hesitant about everything that will be required of us in this marriage."
The way he says that last part has me stiffening. What does he mean by everything required of us? I get the feeling it has something to do with heirs, but I push that thought out of my mind.
"What was expected of me?" I ask, needing clarification.
Vade sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "For one, showing up to important events as a couple and pretending to like me for the public. You actively tried to dissolve our engagement at every opportunity."
I hold back a grimace. Man, I was insufferable.
"Why did I hate you so much?" I know why, but I don't know what else to say.
Vade looks back at the minister. "You loved someone else."
The minister clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably. He clearly didn't envisage this meeting going this way, but the entire point is to get everything out before we marry.
"Alright. Shall we move on." He forces a smile on his face that comes off too exaggerated. Poor man.
"I'm concerned about our wedding night," Vade tells the minister abruptly.
Frowning, I turn to look at him. He lounges back in his seat, but he's clearly tense. Cold has crept into his eyes, like he's condemning himself for whatever has to happen that night, like it's his fault.
"What about it?" The minister speaks.
Vade looks down at his hands with a clenched jaw. "I'm concerned about the consummation."
I immediately wrack my brain for why that word sounds so familiar. There are so many customs and traditions I don't remember about this word, but for some reason this one hits me all at once.
"Consummation...we have to have sex?" I blurt out.
"It's customary in royal marriages," the minister scrambles to aid, his fingers quivering slightly as he adjusts the lapel of his jacket.
My mouth drops open. Our wedding isn't very far away and now I have to consider having sex with someone who hates me?
"I don't want to engage in anything without consent. True, real consent. I don't believe Avila will want to...do that." Vade glances at me, something dark and haunted growing in his expression.
My stomach hollows. Can this really be expected of me? I mean, if I must do it I will. I mean, there are far worse people to be corralled into bed with.
"I will do it. It's fine," I say breathily.
His face tightens, stuck as a grimace that he clearly doesn't want me to see. "This is what I mean. Avila may feel obligated to do this, which to me, doesn't translate to consent."
The minister nods. "That is a perfectly valid concern. This is why I would like you two to resolve your issues and come to an understanding before you wedding. It is more important than ever to be on the same page.
Vade shakes his head tersely. "I'm not sure that is possible.
"I haven't had sex before," I blurt out.
Both of their gaze sweep to me, stunned. I fidget under their scrutiny, my cheeks heating at their stilted pause.
"Yes you have," Vade deadpans.
I inhale sharply. "Did we..."
"No. But you didn't exactly keep your indiscretions quiet." He clears his throat roughly, clearly uncomfortable. "You told me yourself you had a secret lover, and you would often try to seduce me into bed with a vigour I assumed only came with experience."
I don't doubt I've done it before either. Somewhere, in the vacant expanses of my mind, I know how the act works, and even what I might like. That knowledge must have come from somewhere.
"I thought I hated you? Why would we sleep together?"
"We never did, but you would try. It was either a distraction technique, or a way to get me to do something for you." His smile is cold before he flickers his attention back to the minister, who looks mortified.
My mother would faint if she knew the manner of conversation we were having in front of someone who represents the church, but we were told this was a forum in which we could voice any concern.
And I'm taking that very literally. I haven't had Vade in this good of a conversation since I woke again, and here, he can't be evasive.
"Perhaps this is a conversation you two should endeavour to have another time-"
"Considering your lost memory, Avila, any sexual activity you chose to engage in, before or after your wedding, will be your first time. You should take the time to process that," Vade says gently, cutting the minister off.
My eyes widen a little. I'm not sure what shocks me the most about that statement. Is Vade giving me consent to sleep with someone else before our wedding, or is perhaps alluding to doing it with him? I'm sure he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear, but I can already tell I'm going to pour over those words later.
"If you wish to put off the consummation, you can speak to your mother about it," the minister adds.
I shake my head vigorously. "I'm not interested in having that conversation with her.
Stripping down from my clothes and presenting myself to Vade right now feels more palatable than talking to Crimson about consummation. I don't foresee her being interested in catering for what Vade and I want over custom and tradition.
"You and your mother were very close." The minister frowns, genuinely confused.
"It's just sex, right? Who cares," I stammer, glancing at Vade, who is staring me down with a look that could devour me.
"Avila. It's important. It's something you need to think about carefully. I have no interest in pressuring you into anything," he insists.
"What about you?" I give him a long look. "I don't think you want to consummate a marriage you don't even want."
Something darkens in his expression.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," he murmurs.
Well if that isn't the most loaded statement I've ever heard in my very short existence.
The minister stands, breaking the line of tension between Vade and I. "If there are any other concerns you would like to voice before your wedding, don't hesitate to come to me."
"Thank you," I say under my breath, scrambling up from my seat.
I don't look at Vade as I press past him and out the door. I need to go to my room and think for a very long time about what just happened.
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