Chapter 37: Hidden Scars: Chapter 36

I haven’t spoken to Preston in days, the guys tell me he’s been drinking like a damn fish and Brendon even found him smoking a cigarette once. What the fuck is happening? He won’t answer my messages or calls. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m definitely not doing the workouts I’m supposed to be doing for hockey.

When I was talking to Brendon at one point, he almost cried because Mom made her taco salad and I wasn’t eating it. I eat it.

I have to go back.

I have to.

I’m shoving clothes back into my duffle when my phone rings. Scrambling to find it, hoping it’s Preston, I see it’s Paul instead.

“Is he okay?”

Paul scrubs a hand down his face. “Dude is fucked up. He went for a run and didn’t tell us. By sheer luck we found him at a bakery. He damn near killed himself. But we got some answers out of him. He broke his phone, I guess, so that’s why he hasn’t been answering you. We told him he needs to go see you.”

Brendon appears on the screen. “I just checked on him and he’s passed out cold, cuddling his laptop. He didn’t even take his shoes off, just laid down.”

Jesus. He’s spiraling hard. This is exactly what I was hoping wouldn’t happen. At least his dad isn’t there to get a hold of him. I can’t imagine what that would look like.

My heart hurts for him. He must think I’m pissed, but I’m not. Okay, I’m mad he’s been avoiding me, but I love him. I want to know he’s okay.

“You think he’ll come?” I’m afraid to hope.

“I don’t know. Dude is stubborn as fuck,” Paul says.

I let out a sigh. “You’re not wrong.” I run my hands through my hair and pull on the ends. “Alright, keep me updated. I’m going to talk to my mom about changing my ticket and coming back early. I can’t stay here if he’s already this out of control after three days.”

“Will do.”

My bedroom door opens and Stacy comes in with Ella on her hip.

“Hey.” I drop down to my bed, heavy with indecision and defeat.

“How’s the boyfriend? Did you find him?” She sits next to me and Ella climbs into my lap.

I cuddle her to my chest and rub her back while she sucks her thumb. “Yeah, they found him. He went for a run and got lost, I guess. I don’t know.” A lump forms in my throat. “I need to go back. He’s not okay.”

“Is he okay for tonight?”

“Brendon says he’s finally asleep but I don’t know how long that will last, he has pretty bad nightmares.” I shrug, not wanting to get into the details of his life with her.

“We’re going to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s to do the baking tomorrow. I think the boys, Dad, and Grandpa are going ice fishing. You’re probably expected to join them.”

I nod and notice Ella has fallen asleep. I smile at the innocent little girl in my arms. She’s such a sweet baby.

“I’ll take her,” Stacy says, reaching for her daughter.

“Can I just hold her for a bit?” The knot in my throat hurts to talk around but I miss the pressure of someone on my chest. The warmth of another person against me.

She looks at me for a second and nods.

“Of course.” She stands and ruffles my hair, kisses my head, then turns the light off on her way out but leaves the door cracked open. I adjust myself on the bed until I’m leaning on the pillows against the headboard and cover us with a blanket.

Opening the camera on my phone, I snap a picture of her sweet face in the dimly lit room then torture myself by opening my conversation with Preston from the airport to flip through his pictures.

What happened? He seemed okay when I left, a little clingy but that was expected. Was he faking being okay?

Ella stirs on my chest, rubbing her face against my shirt. The scent of lavender from her shampoo tickles my nose. I hate that I’m missing so much of her growing up. She changes so fast these days. I’m afraid she’s going to forget me and Jordan will become her favorite uncle after all.

It doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep, warm and comforted by my niece on my chest.

The day is a mad rush of trying to get Mom, Stacy, and Ella ready for baking, Jordan, Keith, and Dad ready for fishing, and for me to decide what the hell I’m doing.

“I’m going to go with Mom to spend time with Ella,” I tell Dad as he loads up with the boys to go get Grandpa. I sound like a fucking broken record. I’m annoyed with myself.

“Alright, bud. We’ll see you later.” Dad gives me a hug and leaves.

I’m getting Ella into her snow boots when my phone pings.

Dread fills me. I can’t take anymore damn problems!

I scrub a hand down my face and growl in irritation. Looking at the time, I try to do the math to figure out the time difference. If he went to workout at four his time, he would be done by now, but if he went for a hard run last night and passed out, he probably didn’t get up on time so maybe he’s at the gym?

Did his dad come back and grab him? He wouldn’t have been in any position to fight him off. If Preston has been spiraling as badly as I think, he would have agreed to whatever his dad wanted because he felt he deserved it. Fuck.

We grab what we have to take with us and climb in the car. I sit next to Ella in the back and even though I know he won’t answer, I call Preston anyway. I have to know I tried.

My knee is bouncing the entire drive over and my stomach is in knots. I don’t know how I’m going to manage smelling baking sweets all day, but it’s better than sitting in a hut on the ice with no reception.

The drive is quick enough, with not much talking since Mom is still irritated about Stacy keeping secrets for the twins, but I don’t mind the quiet. It means I don’t have to force myself to pay attention.

Ella babbles next to me and hands me the book she has, .

“You want me to read it?” I ask her. She babbles happily and I open the book. “In the great green room,” I start reading but she grabs the book and takes it from me. I smile at her while I zone out, consumed with worry for the man I love. Will he ever accept that I love him?

We pull up to the house my mother was raised in and I smile at the childhood memories from this place. The bottom half of the house is brick with green wood siding and big windows on the upper half. The big tree in the front yard has an old tire swing that we used to play on in the summer.

Grandma opens the front door and I unbuckle Ella to carry her to the porch.

“Jeremy!” Grandma smiles and wraps her arms around me in a hug I didn’t realize I needed. I want so badly to collapse in my worry, let her shoulder some of my troubles like she did while I was growing up, but I don’t. I hold it together because I’m supposed to be an adult and handle my own problems.

“I’m so glad to see you.” She kisses my cheek. “Come on, Ella, let’s get in the house where it’s warm.” Ella races for the door and pushes on it to enter the house.

I go back to the car and help Mom and Stacy bring in the supplies.

“I knew there was a reason we brought him,” Stacy says, patting me on the back.

“Yeah, yeah, shut up.” I set the box on the kitchen counter and leave to get out of the way, kicking my shoes off at the door on my way to the couch.

It didn’t take long for us boys to learn to stay out of the kitchen when the women are cooking, especially for holidays. It’s why we all go ice fishing during prep. On Christmas, we’ll watch football or Christmas movies, depending on who’s controlling the TV. A few years ago, we got Grandma a little flat screen TV to mount to the wall so she could watch what she wanted while she cooked. Hopefully, she’ll watch her Christmas movies there and leave the living room free for football.

Stacy gets Ella set up in her high chair in the kitchen with some ingredients to play with or eat, and I take a seat on the brown suede couch in the living room, glaring at my phone. I want the damn thing to ring and I’m pissed when it doesn’t.

“What are you being so mopey about?” Grandma comes in, wiping her hands on a dish towel.

“Just worried about my boyfriend.” I shrug, once again protecting his privacy and trying to avoid what’s really bothering me..

“Boyfriend?” Her face brightens as she sits next to me on the couch. “Tell me about him.”

I smile to myself when the screen on my phone lights up, showing me his goofy selfie.

“He’s a hockey player, my dormmate, and a huge pain in my a—” I cut myself off when she gives me “hiney.”

She chuckles and swats me with the towel. “Sounds like love to me.”

I want that to be true so badly it hurts, but I shrug and chew on the inside of my lip.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out.” She pats my leg and stands to head back to the kitchen. Why are adults always so quick to tell you useless crap? That’s not helpful or comforting.

I’m flipping my phone around in my hands, staring off into space when it rings. My heart rate spikes as I flip it around and I’m confused when an unknown Muskegon number is calling.

“Hello?”

A shuddering breath comes across the line before, “Please come get me.”

Preston. Oh, my fucking god, it’s Preston. He sounds like he’s damn near in tears.

“Where are you?” I’m on my feet and hurrying to pull my shoes back on.

“Trinity Health Arena.” Someone says it behind him and he repeats it. Who the hell is he with?

“I’m on my way, I’ll be there in like thirty minutes. Don’t move.” I rush for the kitchen, turning the phone away from my mouth. “Mom! I need your keys!”

“What? What’s wrong? Did something happen on the lake?” She’s wiping flour off her hands onto her apron, panic in her eyes. All three women look at me as they wait for an answer.

“No, Preston is at the arena, I’m going to go get him.”

“I’ll drive! You’re a wreck.” Stacy grabs the keys Mom dug out of her purse and slides her shoes on. “Mom, can you watch El or do you want me to take her with me?”

“Uh, take her with you so we can get going on these Santa cookies.” She helps Stacy get Ella ready while I impatiently pace by the front door.

“Come on! Let’s go!” I’m going to vibrate out of my fucking skin if she doesn’t hurry the fuck up!

“Alright! I’m coming, hold your damn horses.” Stacy carries Ella to the car. I grab the diaper bag and follow behind her.

“Be careful! Drive slow!” Mom yells from the porch as we climb in the car and back out of the driveway.

My knee is bouncing a million miles an hour as I try to prepare myself for what I’m about to encounter. He sounded rough on the phone. Will he break down right there when he sees me or will he be shut down tight and emotionless? How the fuck did he even get to the arena? I lean on the door, staring out the window, lost in my head.

“You love him, don’t you?” Stacy asks, glancing over at my bouncing knee.

That fucking lump is back in my throat, threatening to choke me. A tear falls from my eye and I brush it away.

“Yeah, I do.” It hurts to say the words out loud when he won’t accept them. Why the fuck is he here?

“Have you told him?” she asks, being nosey.

“I tried but he wasn’t ready to hear it.”

The drive is slower than I want it to be but we make it one piece.

“Where is he at?” Stacy asks as we pull into the arena. Shit. I didn’t ask him where he was.

“I don’t know. I forgot to ask!” I run my fingers through my hair and pull on the strands, frustrated with myself.

“Just pull up close and we’ll drive around to see if we can see anything.” It takes us a few minutes but someone in jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt steps out from the door, hunched over against the wind.

“Stop!” I yell and throw my door open before she’s had a chance to fully stop. I’m out of the car and racing for him. Preston. My boyfriend. The man I love. I run as fast as I can toward him, colliding in the middle of the driveway and wrapping my arms around him.

“Fuck!” He shoves his arms under my jacket, pressing his chest solidly against mine. He’s trembling, his face pressed into my neck, as his hands slide under my shirt. They’re fucking freezing.

“Your hands are fucking cold! Why don’t you have a coat?” I hiss but I don’t let him go, I can’t. “I’m so glad you’re here. Are you okay? Why haven’t you talked to me in days? I’ve been so fucking worried!”

“I’m sorry,” he says against my skin. “For everything. Please don’t leave me. I need you.”

His grip on me is painfully tight but I don’t care, I need to feel him as badly as he needs to feel me.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I say as I pull his face to mine, our foreheads resting together.

A tear slips down his cheek and I brush it away with my thumb.

“I love you,” his voice cracks and the trembling increases. “I need you. Please.” His eyes are squeezed together so tightly.

“I love you too.” With my hands cupping the back of his head, I bring his face to mine to press our lips together. He shudders at the touch as his hands slide higher up my back. Fuck, I’ve missed him.

The kiss isn’t rushed or heated. It’s soft and slow and meaningful. A reconnecting and understanding. The anxiety that’s been racing through my blood stream for days finally recedes and I’m able to take a full breath.

A car door opens behind me, a loud shriek from Ella has Preston breaking the kiss and putting some space between us.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I know I’m impeding on your time with your family. I’m a selfish fuck.” He looks like he’s in physical pain.

“No, it’s fine. Trust me, they all want to meet you and you will probably be the new favorite.” I smile at him, hoping that doesn’t freak him out too much.

His eyebrows pinch together in confusion. “I’m no one’s favorite anything.”

“That’s bullshit. You’re my favorite.”

“Dumbass! He doesn’t have a fucking jacket! Get inside the car!” Stacy hollers from behind me.

“How did you get here? Uber?” I ask him, reaching for his hand and pulling him toward the SUV.

“No, I rented a car.” He pulls keys out of his pocket and motions to a small SUV in the parking lot.

“Cool, I’ll drive.” I take the keys from him and turn back to Stacy. “I’ll meet you at the house.”

“Okay. Get him a damn jacket!”

I flip her off and we run for his car. I get it unlocked before we get to it and slide in the seats, immediately turning the key to get the engine started and heat on. Preston cups his hands in front of his mouth and blows into them.

“Here.” I take my jacket off and hand it to him. He doesn’t argue, just groans when he slides into the already warm coat.

“Why did you come here? To the arena?” I ask, staring up at the building I played at for years.

“I didn’t know where you lived and, I don’t know, something told me to come here.” He shrugs and looks at the building. “A guy inside recognized me and I told him I was looking for you but couldn’t remember your number. He was able to get it somehow.”

I reach for his hand and thread my fingers through his. “I’m really glad you came.”

He lifts one side of his mouth in a small smile but drops it quickly. “I’m sorry I’m a fucking mess.”

I squeeze his hand. “I’m not. I love you the way you are.”