behind me with a click. I leave the light off even though itâs dark as shit in here. My head is pounding and my stomach is rolling. After my dinner consisting of two shots followed by a side of nothing else, my body isnât happy. Not to mention the two additional shots I snagged from a buzzed teammate heading up to his room with a tray of drinks.
Apparently, drinking loosens me up enough to be amicable with other people. It wasnât my best decision, but I slept better last night than I have in months, so thereâs that.
I tap my phone and cringe at the brightness of the screen. Once I turn it down, I call Lily.
âHey, party boy. Enjoy yourself? Have a hangover?â Her knowing smile irritates me but I try not to show it. âYour boyfriend is cute.â
âHeâs my roommate.â I grumble.
âThen why was he answering your phone at four thirty in the morning?â She laughs like she doesnât believe me.
âI have no idea.â I rub at my forehead, the damn thing not giving up the drum solo it has going on. âWhy did you call me that early? Everything okay?â
I sit on the edge of the tub and close my eyes.
âDad told me I can come out to see a game this season! I canât wait!â Her excited squeal both hurts my head and sinks a boulder in my stomach.
Fuck.
God damn it.
No.
My sluggish brain starts spinning with everything this means. The pain that will be coming my way in order to protect her. How am I going to hide everything from her? I canât have her living with the guilt of knowing what Iâve been doing to keep her safe.
âWhen?â My voice cracks a little on the word.
âI donât know yet but I canât wait to see you! Itâs been too long since Iâve seen you play!â she bounces around in her excitement, the movement giving me motion sickness. I hate that I canât fake being happier and she can see it when she looks at me.
A smile lifts the corners of my mouth a little but I canât give her a full smile.
âYou know Iâll fly you out anytime you want to come, you donât have to wait for him.â Iâve told her so many times. Sheâs busy doing a bunch of shit at school, but if she wants to come out here, Iâll make it happen.
âI know, but thatâs a lot of extra shit for you to deal with. Itâs easier if I just stay with Dad.â She shrugs.
âNo!â I force myself to take a deep breath after snapping the word at her. âNo, Iâll get you a hotel room. Donât stay with him.â
All the excitement from a second ago is gone in an instant. Her face falls to neutral and she falls quiet.
I force myself to take a deep breath.
Did I blow it? Am I going to lose her too? Fail to protect her?
âOkay,â The excitement has left her face and itâs my fault. Fuck.
I open my mouth to say something when Jeremy knocks on the bathroom door.
âShit, I gotta go Lil. Iâll talk to you later.â
âYeah, later.â She hangs up the call and I feel like shit. Sheâs the only one Iâm supposed to protect and Iâm fucking it up.
Getting up off the floor, I open the door to see Jeremy standing in the hallway with a water bottle and some pills.
âIbuprofen and hydrate,â he tells me, handing them over. âYou also need to eat.â He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an oatmeal granola bar, handing that to me too. Without waiting for a response, he turns back to the room and starts pulling his pajama pants off and digging in his duffle bag.
He catches me staring at his ass when he pulls his jeans up. Jeremy freezes with the waistband of the pants under his ass, lifting the muscles just enough to be enticing. I canât turn away.
Slowly, he starts to move, sliding the jeans up until they sit open on his hips. The bastard turns toward me, showing the hard planes of his body and the band of his boxer briefs riding low in the open zipper.
My dick thickens in the jeans that I didnât take off last night.
Jeremy makes a show of looking at my groin, lifts an eyebrow, then meets my eyes.
âSoâ¦do you fuck dudes too, or just stare at them like you want to?â His question snaps me out of whatever weird trance his body put me in. I donât answer the question because, both? I grab my bag from the closet and go back into the bathroom, where I donât have to look at his face and remember how good he felt under me.
Closing the door, I lock it this time, just in case, and strip out of my clothes. Where the hell are my shoes? God damn it!
I find clean clothes to wear and grab my dirty ones, shoving them in my bag. On my way out of the bathroom, I drop my duffle by the entrance door to the room and look around. Laying on my bed are my shoes and the suit Jeremy wore last night.
Jeremy zips up his bag and he watches me walk past him. I can feel his gaze on me like a physical caress. I both love it and hate it. The idea of Jeremy touching me is almost intoxicating. Part of me craves human contact, but in reality, I canât stand for anyone to touch my body. Arms and hands are okay, and sometimes a leg brush, but my torso is absolutely off limits.
I havenât felt a comforting hand since my mother died. My sister was luckier than I was, especially in those early days. I cared for her, helped her through the nightmares and her tears, but I never let her see me break. Her little five-year-old brain wasnât old enough to comfort me.
I make sure my garment bag is ready, catching a whiff of Jeremyâs spicy, woody, masculine cologne as I zip up the bag, laying it across my duffle.
âReady?â Jeremy asks, stepping too close to me. My body tenses at the nearness. The scent of his cologne makes me think of sex and itâs obvious he sprayed it on while I was getting changed.
I grit my teeth and grab my things then open the door to our room. He follows me into the hallway, other team members crowding the space. They keep away from me, for which Iâm grateful. I donât know if itâs the fuck off look on my face or what, but I donât care as long as nobody bumps me.
Once we make it onto the bus, everyone settles with their normal buddies and I pop my AirPods in to ignore the noise around me. I always sit in the back row of the bus, but the others shift around a few rows every time. This time, Jeremy and Brendon end up in the row in front of me.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, leaning back against the seat and realize the throbbing in my head has lessened thanks to the ibuprofen and water. I try to close my eyes and relax but thereâs too much going on around me. Iâm used to all this noise, itâs always like this when we travel on away games, but something is different now. Something is telling me Iâm in danger, pay attention.
The guys shift around me, a couple guys sliding into the seats across the aisle from me. They nod at me but donât try to talk to me. By now, everyone knows Iâm not interested in idle conversation. Or any conversation at all.
These bus rides are torture. The seats are not made for athletes and the buses are always packed with us, the coaches, and the team staff. No leg room, no elbow room, just packed in here like sardines. I hate it.
Paul climbs on the bus and zeros in on Jeremy and Brendon. After a quick glance around, seeing the only empty spot is between me and the window, he grimaces on his way back here.
âHey, can I sit here?â He looks as happy about it as I feel. My knee starts bouncing but my expression doesnât change.
From the corner of my eye, I notice Jeremy standing. Everyone turns to watch Brendon getting out of the way to let Jeremy out.
âPaul, take my seat. I need to study anyway.â
Paul looks at Brendon, who looks pissed with his clenched jaw and stiff shoulders. He slides into the seat and Brendon stares at me like he can intimidate me. Hilarious. This kid thinks heâs scary? Not a fucking chance.
I stand and move to make room for Jeremy to squeeze past me. When the front of his body brushes mine, I no longer think anything is funny. Every muscle in my body tenses and revolts, goosebumps breaking out over every inch of skin. My dick twitches as Jeremyâs hip pushes against it.
I grind my teeth to keep still and not show any reaction.
He sits down, leaning into the window, and starts messing with his phone. An earbud is in his ear and he smiles at his phone.
Dropping down into the seat, I try to keep my body from pressing against his. His sensual cologne catches in my nose, and I have to force myself not to bury my face in his neck.
What would it feel like to be held by someone? To breathe them in, their hands running through my hair while we laid in bed, pressed together. I want it so bad it hurts.
But the smallest touch on my skin turns my stomach. My heart wants it but my mind canât handle it.
I want it but it hurts. Skin on my skin turns my stomach but my heart wants to be comforted.
âI swear to fuck, Stacy, if you donât let me talk to my baby, Iâm pushing you down the stairs the next time Iâm home.â Jeremy glares into the phone, but the relaxed posture tells me heâs not really upset.
âYou may have carried her or whatever but sheâs my baby.â He rolls his eyes then starts whining like a child. âLet me talk to Ella!â
I glance at his screen and see a chubby-cheeked baby face fill the screen with a big grin. She has curly light blonde soft looking hair and big eyes, but I canât see their color from my angle.
âThatâs my girl!â Jeremyâs entire face lights up. âHey, baby, what are you doing today?â He pays close attention to whatever sheâs babbling to him. The little girl canât be two years old. Can babies that young talk?
Is that his daughter? Iâve never heard anyone mention him having a kid. Thereâs no pictures in our room of one.
I close my eyes, cross my arms over my chest, and suck in a deep breath, turning up the volume in my AirPods to drown out Jeremyâs voice.
Jeremyâs thigh presses against mine, hip to knee. I refuse to open my eyes and look at him. I donât know if heâs doing it on purpose to get a reaction out of me or not, but Iâm not rising to the bait.
Forcing my shoulders to relax, I loosen my jaw and drop my arms, running my palms over the tops of my thighs. Itâs one of the few self-comforts I have.
My body itches to move, to run. I have too much energy. Since I passed out last night, I didnât set my alarm for this morning to get a workout in before getting on the bus. I hate missing that run. It calms me, clears the bullshit from my brain.
A finger touches my pinkie. My eyes pop open and my head snaps toward Jeremy. My body is tense once again, but my hands have stopped moving. What the hell is he doing?
The video call on his phone has ended, now heâs scrolling through social media. Despite not looking at me and appearing completely oblivious to what is happening in my head, he hooks his finger around mine.
He mutters something I donât hear over the music in my ears but looks like âIâve got you.â
My gaze drops to our hands, hating how much I like it. Hating how much I want to press our palms together, interlock our fingers, rub my face against the back of his hand.
For just a second, thereâs no one on this bus but the two of us. Iâm safe.
If I look at him, will he be watching me or pretending itâs not happening?
I curl my finger around his, testing the feeling of it. Itâs strange how my heart pounds in my throat at the little touch. I flick my gaze back up to Jeremyâs face to find him watching me from the corner of his eye. No judgment, just comfort and maybe some hesitation. But why?
The spell is broken a second later when a loud mouth a few rows in front of us laughs, and I can hear it over the music in my ears. I jerk my hand back, once again crossing my arms over my chest and shifting so his thigh isnât against me anymore.
Itâs going to be a long ride back to school.