Chapter 39: : Chapter 39

the most intense sexual experiences I’ve ever had, I help to untie her wilted body. She’s so spent from being pushed through orgasm after orgasm. Her beautiful lips never dropped the safe word. She didn’t want it to stop, but I knew her little body could only take so much. The adrenaline, the endorphins, the rush and flood of emotions that occurred during what we did are settling, and I’m prepared for the drop that happens afterwards.

It’s late now, and my baby can barely keep her eyes open. But I can’t let her sleep just yet. I need to care for her first. I scoop her up from the bed as she wraps her arms around my neck. Carrying her towards the bathroom, I gently sit her on the counter and attempt to turn and prepare a bath in her little tub, but her hold prevents it. She whines, shaking her head against my neck, and a grin creeps across my face.

“Don’t let me go,” she whispers against my skin.

She doesn’t want me to put her down. She’s so fucking adorable.

“I’d never,” I reply, feeling it in more ways than one.

Wrapping her thighs around my hips, her arms clinging to my neck, I pick her back up and hold her against my chest with one arm around her back as I work the faucet open with the other. The water turns warm, and I put the stopper in, working to open one of her soaps with one hand to create some bubbles.

The smell of sage and lavender fills my nose as the bubbles slowly rise. I lean over the open bath, the water deep enough now to set her gently down into it. She reluctantly releases my neck and settles herself back, wincing slightly as she does.

I know she’s in pain. The mark on her upper hip has stopped bleeding, but the surrounding area is slightly red. Her cheek is a bit rosy from our heated little exchange, and I know her lady parts are swollen and sore from excessive use. I search through her closet adjacent to the tub, finding a fuzzy little hand towel that’s soft to the touch.

I kneel next to her and dip it into the warm water, lathering it with her delicious smelling soaps before taking her arm and lifting it into the air above the water. I begin gently working the towel over her skin in small circles, taking extra care around the wrists as I clean her.

She watches me as I work the towel slowly up to her neck, squeezing the fabric and letting the soapy mixture run down her chest, then her back. I lean forward, placing a kiss on her temple before running the towel down her cheek, letting the warm water soothe the pain away. Her eyes blink up and find mine. Her expression is soft, almost sad looking as I hold the towel to her. I know how emotionally taxing this type of love-making can be. I’m not an idiot. I have two years of that psych degree up in this noggin of mine.

It’s rough—the high from the adrenaline of being hit in the moment fades and you’re left with confusing feelings, hurt, sadness, worry, feelings of being used, not wanted after. But that’s why it’s so important to show her how much opening up to me in that light and trusting me so completely is worth it. Because afterwards, I’m still here, even more in love with this woman than I thought possible.

We fucked like animals, psychotic animals that have no sense about them. I licked the blood off of her, slapped her up, wrapped my hands around her little neck and clung on tightly as I choked her out like she begged me to, fucking her into unrelenting orgasms. But this sad little look of hers scares the shit out of me.

“H-how are…are you…how are you okay?” I stutter out like an idiot, then knit my brows, my face twisting.

Her brow lifts, and a huge smile crosses her face.

“Kai,” she chuckles. “You’re so cute when you get nervous.”

I blow out a breath of air, then ask again. “Do you want to talk about it? Was there anything you didn’t like? Are you feeling okay?”

She licks her lips, pushing some bubbles around with her hands in front of her lap.

“I’m more than okay,” she whispers, her sad expression returning.

She swallows and shifts uncomfortably before her gaze slowly drifts up to mine again.

“What’s wrong, baby?” I ask, cupping her neck with my hand, turning her jaw to face me with my thumb. “It was intense, but we need to be able to talk about it. I want you to be open with me.”

We sit here, our bodies mere inches apart, yet it feels like miles for my heart that’s already inconceivably connected to the one before me.

Her eyes do that thing again. The one where she’s blinking wildly and they are darting all across the room in panic mode.

“Just kiss me, Kai, please,” she begs breathlessly.

I nod against her forehead, slowly pressing my lips against hers. She lets out a little whimper as our lips meet, and it breaks me. Her hands circle around my neck, pulling me to her before her tongue sweeps against my bottom lip, prompting me to open my mouth.

Our tongues meet, and the sensation that sweeps through me makes me weak while strengthening the questionable parts of me. She comforts me with her presence, calms my nerves by just…being.

I lean up, placing a hand on the edge of the tub to angle myself above her better, when my hand slips off the edge and my arm goes into the tub, causing me to topple my top half into it. A smile breaks, and she’s laughing again.

“You fell,” she says, making the obvious observation.

“I fell a long time ago,” I answer truthfully.

She stares at me with wild, wide eyes. I’m not pulling back. She knows who I am, how I am. There’s no veil to my truth. What you see is what you get with me and Han is forever going to know the real me. The man who is so deep and painfully in fucking love with her.

“But you already know that.” I shrug.

She looks down at the water, moving some bubbles around mindlessly before her eyes snap back up at mine.

“You really aren’t like anyone I’ve ever known,” she admits, looking at me like I’m the rarest antique in the shop. “You’re the most original, truest form of yourself. You never hide your emotions. Why?”

“Why would I? I’m proud of them. I love to feel. Even if the feeling isn’t preferred, or in most instances appropriate.” I chuckle softly. “I’m still feeling. I’m alive.”

“What are you feeling right now?”

“I’m feeling so many things,” I answer, shaking my head at the thoughts plaguing my mind.

I want to make love to you again. I want to fuck you until you scream. I want to hold you while you cry. I want to yell at you for hurting me the way you have. I want to tell you how amazing you are to me, and that your past doesn’t need to haunt you the way it does. I want to shake you until you are able to feel along with me.

“Just so many things,” I admit again. “Sometimes it’s good to feel, and sometimes I feel too much, and I need to find a way to numb it all.”

“I understand that,” she says, taking the towel that’s now floating nearby and washing my arm with it. “More than I wish I did.”

“What’s going on in that head, Johanna?” I whisper softly as she squeezes the towel out, bringing it to my face and wiping a spot near my bottom lip.

I see the bloodstain on the towel as she dips it back into the water. She opens her mouth to say something, then flutters her lashes before slowly slipping herself under the water of the bath, her head beneath the mirrored surface.

My heart feels the familiar ache again. One I may have to just find a way to live with if she’s who I need. It feels like she’s running again. The realization sucks.

She lays underwater, the bubbles from her breath stop forming as her hands lay over her face. A minute goes by and finally she pops back up, gasping for air. Turning to face me, she pushes her hair back off her forehead and eyes.

“I love you, Kai,” she says breathlessly. “It hurts, and I’m scared, but I’m in deep, terrifying love with you.”

She rushes the words so quickly I have to sit there and absorb them, listening to them in my head to make sure it was real, that she just spoke her honest, raw emotions.

“Say something, please,” she begs, moving her hands methodically against her thighs under the water.

Reaching out for my neck, she pulls herself into me, resting her forehead against my chest. I don’t want to hurt her again, but feel like my heart might just punch her in the face with how hard it’s beating at the moment.

“I know you do, Jo.” I cup the back of her head, holding her to me as my fingers weave through her hair. “I know. I’ve got you. It’s safe here. I love you. With everything.”

She sighs against me and I know how big that was for her fragile little heart. But, like I said before, I’m not looking to fix her. I’m here for the process, to break alongside her, so we’re in pieces together. Even the playing field, so we can build ourselves into something new, free from resentment, free from standards. We can just be us.

I finish washing her up, shampooing her hair and conditioning it with her soaps, then help her into a warm bath towel, rolling her up in it tightly after drying her off. Picking her back up into my arms, I cradle her little body, bringing her back to the bed where I remove the sheets and grab a new comforter from her closet. I’ll wash the used stuff in the big ass dryer Hawke has at their place.

Placing some antiseptic cream on her cut, I find bandages and place one over the area. Gotta make sure she’s good.

She watches me work, amused at my antics as I sift through her dresser drawers, finding a large nightshirt and a new pair of panties. I hold up a red lace thong and a pair of dancing peanut butter and jelly briefs. I make a stank face at the thong, throw it across the room and smile, twirling the briefs around my finger as I carry them to her. She bites her bottom lip, laughing at me with her wet hair tied up in a bun on top of her head.

Getting her dressed, I wrap her in the large fluffy blanket so only her little face is sticking out of the top. Laying her on the bed, I face her on my side, pulling the other comforter over me. We both sigh at the same, and I reach for her cheek, brushing my fingers along the soft skin.

“Do you want me to feed you tacos?” I ask, my thumb trailing over her lips.

“Did I tell you I’m painfully in love with you?” she asks simply, making me cheese like a fucking high schooler in a rom-com.

I’m lifted into the air like a fucking hot-air balloon by her words. I’m at a new altitude, the air so thin my chest constricts, and I can barely breathe as I rise.

“I knew it. Tacos were the way in,” I smirk, gently tapping the tip of her nose.

She scoffs, then shrugs because it’s true. Tacos are the way to a woman’s heart.

I grab some water for us from the kitchen and reheat the tacos that I left on the counter. After eating, we put on a movie, smoke a little weed, and finally curl up under the blankets again. I hold her to me, breathing in the scent of her hair as I rest my chin on top of it, enjoying the close proximity.

“Do you…” She trails as if she misspoke but then regains her confidence. “Do you do that a lot or something?”

“Do what?” I ask, not sure where she’s going with this.

“The rough sex, the bondage.”

“Oh,” I nod, understanding. “No, not really. I mean, I have done similar things, I guess, but definitely nothing like what we did. Why?”

She turns to face me, rolling onto her side and finding my confused expression.

“You just, I don’t know…” She itches the tip of her nose, which appears to be a cute little anxious tic she has. “You just knew what to do. You took care of me. The way I needed.”

I can’t help but smile at how adorable she looks right now. Innocent almost, and Han is anything but innocent.

“I mean, all that sex I just made up on the fly. I figured if it got to be too much, at least we had a safe word.”

“The sex was amazing,” she says quickly. “It’s not that, though. It’s how you cared for me. I’ve never experienced that part before.”

“You’ve never had aftercare?”

She laughs like the idea is insane. “No, never. You have to remember I’ve been with a selfish asshole, and countless one-nighters. Aftercare isn’t part of a system where follow-up calls aren’t even considered.”

I chuckle at the honesty, silently hating the idea of her with countless one-nighters.

Her hand comes up and cups the side of my face. “But you…” She sighs. “You really love me, don’t you? You prove it in your actions along with your words. Reassuring me afterwards, open to talking about it. You’re just so emotionally intelligent, and that’s…new to me. Especially because you’re younger than me, you know?”

I smile at her honesty again. She’s just adorable, seeing her trying to voice herself for the first time.

“I love older women. What can I say?” I chuckle as she nudges me.

“I’m not that much older.” She rolls her eyes playfully.

“Whatever cradle robber.”

“Kai!” she shrieks, nudging me again. “I’m only like four years and some change, right?”

“Okay Grandma,” I say, wrapping her into my arms. “You’re talkin’ crazy again. Time to put you to bed.”

“I hate you,” she grumbles.

“No,” I stop her, finding her lips again and brushing mine against them. “No, you love me.”

I watch her smile slowly return; our eyes locked as our heads remain pressed against one another’s.

“And I love you.”