Chapter 04
Healing is painful
Now we did all the theoretical work, time to put it to action. Time to face all your fears and trauma. You thought we already did that, didn't you? You have always known them yet never aware of them nor actually facing them.
I want you to calm down and try to relax. Take a deep breath and let's go through this together.
What I personally did. I wrote everything I felt. How I used to feel about myself and why. How I thought my family felt about me and why. And how I feel about it. Listen to music that trigger these emotions and cry. Allow yourself to cry and live these moments as if they're happening again. Imagen the person you love/trust the most and speak it all to them.
I couldn't contact my friend that day so I visualized her and cried my heart out about the whole thing and said all the words I was afraid to speak to myself. Then I wrote it all. The process of writing alone took me days for I discovered a new feeling everyday. Allow yourself to feel that, face it even if it hurts. Cry for hours if you need. Even if you don't have that person, I am your therapist book so peak it all to me. Everything. Go through that one by one. All those words you wished to shout our from the roof top. Admitting such things could be overwhelming but no one said this is easy. Take your time letting go of all the hidden sorrows. The purpose of this is to be real to yourself. To never lie about what you feel. Yet we all have this voice which makes us doubt in saying 'Don't say that' 'Don't feel like this' 'You are selfish' and all of these things. and they are all wrong. Again these voices are response to the trauma.
The second thing is to look at the positive side of what you feared. In my friend's case he started to read about real love stories that ended up happily, and about all the amazing ladies out there. He found a reminder that true love is all about respect. So he found more stories about respectful love until he started to witness it in real life. Some of his friends got engaged or found their one and only. He still believes love is painful but only if you choose the wrong one.
In my case and my insecurities and anxiety, I started to mediate and ask myself, why do I care too much? Whatever people say will effect me not them. I am the one who is living my life. Not them. I reminded myself of all the points we talked about earlier. My insecurities are not my fault, they are childhood trauma response but fixing them is my responsibility for I wish to have a good future. I also like my friend believed I would never find love and love isn't meant for people like me. But why? Why I don't deserve happiness? And the answer is, I do deserve happiness and just because I didn't find someone yet that doesn't mean I'm not lovable.
Now this is not always the case. sometimes it's more complicated, like abusive parents, toxic environment in which you ask what is the positive side in that? what could be possibly good about this? Let me explain. the thing is these are outsiders. This is the outside affecting you which you have no control over but you can train your brain on how to feel about it and how to deal with it. And yes, the emotions related to the brain, they are a reaction of thoughts. And training your brain and controlling your thoughts might take time. But we are all here for you, don't worry.
Through confidence comes self worth and value. And confidence is a skill to be practiced. Start with simple things. Wear that crazy necklace you were afraid to be judged by. Or that outfit you think no one will like. As long as you're comfortable in that. Do it. It for sure will feel weird but later it will feel like you.
Now, sit back and relax. Write down the answers to these questions.
Who am I now?
What my personality is like?
How is my current routine?
Who do I wish to be? What is the image I want to achieve?
How do I wish my personality to be?
What does my future requires me now to do?
Answered them? Cool. Now we have list of things. When I did this, I was emotional and insecure with anxiety. My ideal self was confident, independent and loving.
But to achieve this major change and we just processed the trauma. By the way, the process of healing the trauma took months, for others it take years. Depending on the traumatizing event itself. But now after feeling better about yourself, you need to built a new self in which is part of the healing process. To heal you need to get stronger.
Here I did researches on psychology and the effects of social media. (The effects of social media shall be discussed on a later chapter). I found a job to support myself financially. I listed the things I wish to do and to have. The amazing routine I want and that badass personality.
We break all of this into daily habits. I want to be financially stable. I do my job at best. I want to be healthy so I started to change my sleep schedule. Then comes food. Chosing the appearance I feel most comfortable at. I focused on my study more until I became one of the best students in the whole department and so on, baby steps until everything becomes a daily habit. Yes, you will go through ups and downs. This process is not easy at all. As I said earlier, it's pain in the ass. It might take six months until you reach that version.
Changing the subconscious mind is a big deal. You're literally changing something been there since day one and lasted for years. Change and healing requires time and patience. It's like teaching your left hand to write when you've always used your right one. Except it's mental, and more painful and takes much more time.
Now here where most people give up. They don't want to go through this pain and the cycle of trying and failing because what comes after that is unknown, this phase itself is unknown. And in the nature of human brain, it loves the familiar. Because it knows how to deal with it. But that doesn't make it right. One day after going through all of this, imagen happiness becomes the familiar to your brain and it will do everything to stay happy and successful.
My healing journey was full of tears and doubt. Letting go of what I am used to, to step into this new reality was terrifying and the worst of all. No one knew about what i was going through. Yes some of my friends knew I was going through a tough time but not that I'm going through hell to heal, nor knowing what my trauma really was.
Self-awareness is the key to everything. It brings confidence and this one is able to break through every wall.
Keep your thoughts flexible. Life is not black and white. Just because you have toxic parents, doesn't mean you will end up to be one or having a toxic partner. Having your heart broken one or two times doesn't make love fake, you just dated shitty people. And also remember, if you see yourself as a good person, does it mean you're the only good one in this whole universe? No, there are people out there, who are as good as you and kind and wonderful who also going through this difficult time.
Once the brain associate something with a specific concept it will be such a pain in the ass to change it. Remind yourself from time to time it's not true. Good and bad are in everything and everywhere but you get to decide which side to look at.
Having a positive mindset helps dealing with trauma because it usually creates hate towards the things that caused it and everything related. Same as love. It's not always bad. In fact it's bad only when you be around a toxic person.
And I can't believe I'm going to say this but please. Education. Education.
Education is the most important of them all. The reason I got into this point of my life is because I educated myself about the whole mental health matter. Maybe your trauma is so strong that what I have listed doesn't work with it. Google it. Google the problem and see what are the necessary steps.
Yet again, let's take the worst case scenario. You have a toxic family, difficult environment, lost someone you care about and school is shit. Literally every bad thing is happening to you and you're fucked. The will to live is reducing, and you can't control whatever has happened nor will happen so what to do? How can I possibly heal from all of this nonsense madness of a life? Carefully read what comes next.
Remember other people are going through the exact same. Second take a breath. Now, you can't control any of that and you hate it so much and you truly wish to leave it. But your age ain't it yet or financially you can't. Darling it's 2022, money should never be a problem. There are tones of websites that provide a good income. Work on multiple ones and start saving until you be independent.
Everything we already listed, keep it in mind and go through it.
Distance yourself away from the toxic ones. Even if within your household. Try to avoid all the unnecessary conversations which lead into a fight. Nod, say you're right and save yourself a headache.
Create a peaceful atmosphere, whether that to get new candles, listen to your favorite music or be lazy watching Netflix or hitting the gym, whatever makes you happy. Create your own environment.
Also by breaking it into simple daily habits until you get used to them. Because going through all that is what will develop your personality when the healing is made. Your inner child is safe and you have your own life. Wonderful, isn't it?
Now you may ask me. Hey, therapist book, for real how long this process will take?
Now I know you wish to wake up as a whole new person. But this ain't Disney. My journey took a year. A year of tears, changing and self doubt. Once being on could nine and the next moment smashed to hell. But here I am now. Successful and happy. My inner child is safe.
It all depends on your acceptance to the situation and letting go of the past. If you believe it will repeat itself, then it would. If you separate if from your present but learn from the mistakes, your future self will thank you. But a lot of people confuse the two. learning from mistakes means to think twice when you come across a similar situation. Think calmly and logically.
Now be aware, this book is just a simple guide which spots the light on few things. Along the way you will discover things that will shock the life out of you.
Now allow me to list the process once more to come back to it when you need.
Look back at your childhood and the data you received back then.
How is your teenage brain is processing it.
What triggers the hidden emotions and events which led your mental health to get worse.
Face them all, one trauma at a time. And accept the pain, understand the change and allow yourself to live the moments as you experience them instead of finding a way to hid or ignore them.
Break your ideal future/ best version of yourself into daily habits.
Create a peaceful environment to ease your mind through the mess.
Also remember you don't have to go through this alone. There are people who care about you even is you say no. Look up stories of people who've been through the same thing and made it. Also, consider this book your safe spot and feel free to share your thoughts, experience and emotions. We all shall help. I shall help.
Few more keys to make the journey less painful:
_There is no magical way to change and heal, so you really must face them all. one thing at a time.
_Honesty. Be so honest with yourself even if it will prove you wrong on something. Be honest.
_Acceptance. Accept everything happened. the good and the bad. Because there is no way to undo it but there is a way to build a new self.
_Awareness. Be aware of your situation and forgive yourself, learn to love it.
Extra note in here. One of my friends said. How can you heal glass that got hammered many times until there is nothing left. And what I said was, and what I believe is: healing is not glass that got broken, it's a self to restore and child to take care of. Even so, let's say there is nothing left and all shattered. The process will be longer, yes. But, at this point we should never put things as they were rather than building a new self, version and life. Work on making a progress. Be better, be stronger and healthier.