Chapter 02
Biological factors
Relax, this is not a biology class. Even though we should've been taught that in schools but the system is failing all of us.
So the actual problem here is not you, nor what happened that caused you to be an emotional wreck at fourteen. It's the brain structure which we have no control over. This goes deep into the family history.
DNA, genetics and the brain chemicals are all factors to form you and your personality as a child. Some children are more sensitive than others and that refers to what they inherited from their parents/grandparents/ancestors. The brain of a child is designed and programmed to explore and believe almost everything it's being told by an elder person. So if you were an annoying child, or sensitive, quiet, crazy or a social butterfly. It has nothing to do with you. That's your brain's chemical balance.
I asked a psychologist and a therapist on how children experience trauma, or what causes that in the first place. She said, it's all about the parents. Children are happy and innocent creatures, they don't understand what's right and what's wrong. Nor actually knowing what they're doing because their brains are programmed to play and have fun. So when the opposite happens it will cause an error and raise the question: Why mom/dad doesn't love me? She spoke of many points on how to heal a traumatized child and all but that's another topic. So, when you get these errors, when these negative data enters the child's brain, it will stay there. Forever in the subconscious mind.
Everything we do, the way we behave and think as teens, is a response to these data we gained as children. And the way our personalities are formed as adults, and the habits are a reaction on how they were processed as teenagers. And that's when it's difficult to change. Because it's all in the subconscious mind.
Know that whatever you experienced as a child is never your fault but it's your responsibility now to deal with it. You didn't cause it, but it's your job to fix the damage it caused. This is life, don't say it ain't fair. This is the way things are.
Now we start with the questions.
1_ What kind of a child you were?
Honestly, don't try to come up with the best image you can find. Really what kind of child you were?
Personally, I was sensitive, very sensitive and innocent.
2_ What kind of family you had?
Now I know many would say, my parents were strict, or they were fighting all the time or they didn't allow me to do anything. Focus with me, not only the memories you had. I know these kind of families cause trauma, but try to go further in the question. Were they showing love? Caring? Believe me sometimes when your mom woop your ass with a slipper is a sign of love and care. At least in my culture.
Another point, these kind of parents behaviors are based on unhealed trauma. Maybe not all the time but keep that in mind.
3_ What types of people you were interacting with the most as a child? Here I mean friends, classmates, teachers, whatsoever.
These people have a very, massive influence on the child brain because once you're in school you will hear the adjective 'cool' and you would love to be addressed under this 'cool' category. Even if it means to do drugs. So dig up your memory and see what influence they left behind.
4_ What do you remember clearly from your childhood?
Here is an important element. What is the major vibe you remember. This is one or two vivid moments in your head. I had witnessed situations lived in my head rent free and I got rid of it only few months before writing this book. Something formed a certain belief or point of view. Moments like these, positive or negative, shape our expectations on others or how we view people in general. Maybe we are not aware of, but it happens in the subconscious mind. But to others it could affect their emotions and not their expectations. Maybe they would have a phobia of something, or be so in love with particular street or whatever.
Now if most of the answers are in a negative concept, here is what happened to you. The raw brain processed these data, which it could not understand, into behaviors and a mindset. For example, in order to be able to go to my friend's house I have to clean my room. Once, twice, it became an unconscious behavior. Whenever you want to ask your mom to go to your friend's house, you would clean your room. I used to do that when I wanted extra money from dad. Now that's just an example, it's not always the case.
Understanding and acceptance are the beginning of the change and healing process. Now please take a moment to think of these questions and carefully remember your childhood. Maybe it's painful and you hate it, but you won't make a progress unless you face it.
If you were like me, a sensitive child. A big chance that whatever your family, friends, teachers said effected you.
If you always seek perfection, you were told you're not good enough. Directly or indirectly, but be careful here, the brain of a teenager usually interprets things differently. I'm not blaming you, it's just how the structure is.
Now in this age. Of 12- 17/18 is usually your subconscious mind, giving signals to your conscious self to behave in such way responding to those data you have stored.
This response comes in two shapes. One is rejection behavior. As if you're trying to act the complete opposite of your reality. Sometimes it's against the data themselves. If you were told you're overweighted as child, maybe you try to eat more now in the concept of 'this is who I am, accept me as who I am' and this could be dangerous and lead into extreme levels of stubbornness which can lead into doing drugs, alcohol or even having sex just to prove you do whatever you want and no one can control you.
Now I understand freedom is everyone's goal. But freedom that comes through harmful behaviors is suicidal. If you see yourself going against everything or almost everything you're told, know you're wrong.
Take a breath and calm down. Think again of your actions. Is really everything you were told is bad? And stealing your 'freedom'? The answer is no. Sometimes we need to listen to those words. What's the bad in hearing study more, or focus on school not what Billie Eilish wore for met gala. These are actually positive things. This is a training on focusing on your own life and not other meaningless stuff.
The other form of response is, following everything and take actions based on every data, piece of information stored in your mind without questioning. Whether it's positive or negative. You see your dad disrespected your mom as a child so now you look down at girls or cheat on your girlfriend because that's what a 'man' do. Calm the shit down. Just because you're a guy you don't have to be an asshole. And ladies. Just because Kim Kardashian, or your pretty single auntie showing her ass/boobies all the time that doesn't mean you have to.
So this is the response of copying. Your data is telling you to copy how others behave because you have no personality or stupid. Or avoid all boys/girls because once your were given a dirty look by one or forced you to do something you didn't want.
In both cases the behavior is negative. Because being extreme at something is never healthy. As I already mentioned, I was a sensitive child, and I was told that and made fun of because of it. My brain interpreted emotions as negative things and weakness when in fact emotions are beautiful and something holy.
And just when you think things can't get worse, guess again because it does. At some point. Sometimes maybe most of the times. The trauma is formed as a combination of the two scenarios mentioned above. In my case, as a 14 year old girl. I wanted to be the complete opposite of my child self. Means to be skinny and emotionless, to appear cool and more like my siblings. Which I ,both, rejected everything they told me because they 'didn't understand me' and built toxic habits to escape reality, as well as trying to be like them. It's complicated I know, but that's how our traumatized child behaves.
So the steps here are. What I did in the beginning of the healing journey, I identified the four questions as: sensitive child with strong desire to be different, my family was loving and kind but overprotective which my brain interpreted as strict and severe, my friends had 'cool' hobbies/carefree parents and my teachers thought highly of me because I was a good student (at least in elementary) so here I started to act based on their expectations which developed the love for attention. The memory of the gun and few others built the fear I have and another trauma.
So by now you should've done the same. Spotted the light on your trauma, the cause of it and why it affected you, also the negative/toxic habits you have now. This seems so difficult to do and select, take your time and try to face and accept this truth. Understand it's not your fault. What happened is not your fault, it's the influence of your surroundings. How your brain interpreted those data is also not your fault because that's how the chemical balance of your brain works.
Now we need to understand and be full aware of. Most of the struggles are mental because what happened has happened and there is no way to undo that and what left of them, only the memories and emotions. Sometimes things ain't that bad but we overthink them due to fear or anxiety. However, other cases the situation is so complicated and requires careful treatment.
What we focus on now, is what we have. Is to reprogram these information and data into something new and healthy.