It was quiet the entire ride back home, soft music the only sound inside the car. There was a smile present on Nova's lips, blush not going away from her cheeks for the feeling of her hand being engulfed in the larger one of Derek's was warming all of her insides.
There was an ever-present tingly feeling in the entirety of her palm which left her wondering if she was acting way too silly and if she should get her act together.
That thought however went out the window when she looked up from her lap and over to the man beside her she saw he wore a soft, sweet smile on his gorgeous lips as well. It was tiny, barely there but from where she sat, that little tilt of the corner of his lips was as visible as that little crease just above them was. And after noticing that, there was nothing stopping Nova from squeezing his hand when they stopped for a bit at a red light.
She looked down blushing when all Derek did in response to that was to lift her hand up to his lips and to press a soft, sweet kiss on her knuckles. He was so sweet and she was so gone.
Looking out the window when the car begin moving again Nova noted that they were not very far away from their penthouse and as she was preparing herself for whatever was to come after, she was left confused when she saw the way to their penthouse pass by them; Derek not stopping to make the turn.
She whipped her head towards him, confused, only for him to look down at her; that small smile now gone but a soft look still there assuring her that his mood wasn't foul.
Before she could ask him, he muttered that same word again.
"Home."
It was that look on his face this time, a certain darkness in his eyes that suddenly had a click going in her head, finally catching onto where they were going. Home. His home. Their penthouse wasn't home, not yet. It was still that house back in Cambridge and that's where they were going now. Home.
*
She hadn't really planned on falling asleep but she still found herself waking up when she felt a soft tickle on her palm. She wasn't startled per se and that was what had her feeling all warm. It was a warn December night it would seem, all warm just for Nova. And the source of her warmness seemed to be the person seated beside her.
"We're here," he announced slowly.
Nova sat back straight, fixing her dress coat, her hair and hiding a yawn behind her hand. She was looking for her purse when the door on her side opened, the chilly December air making its presence known now. But it wasn't quite hitting her on full blast, as the sound of the wind gushing indicated, and that would most probably be because of the male figure who stood there opening the door for her with one hand, and holding her purse in his other one.
And there it was the warm feeling filling all of her. Hiding her blush behind the curtain of her hair, she got out of the car and took her purse from him as he proceeded to shut the door close. They were already parked in Nova's garage it seemed, because right in front of her was Derek's houseâ still as dark and eerie as she remembered it to be.
She looked around at her own house and saw how the only tree in her garden, the apple tree, still had apples on it. It must be Gilliam's work, he had been complaining all winter last year how he wanted to protect the tree from the harsh winter and had ended up watching all kinds of YouTube videos and reading up blog posts about it.
The feeling of a hand against her waist brought her back to the now and she looked up at her side to see Derek looking ahead, away from the tree and towards the entrance of her house. Smiling up, she took his hand and began walking towards her door.
Fishing the keys from her purse â she always kept them in that small pocket it had â she unlocked the door and turned the lights on, filling the darkness up with yellow warm lighting. She was quick to turn the heaters on as well because it felt to be chillier inside the house than it had been outside.
"Water?" she asked Derek, who stood by the door still, while she was already inside beside the sofa chair, taking her coat off and putting the purse on the small table between the sofas.
From her peripheral she saw him shaking his head no but she still brought two glasses out of the kitchen filled with warm waterâher throat wasn't as much a fan of winters as she was.
She drank from her glass, while holding up the other for him to take and for doing which he would have to come closer to her, inside the house. When the bottom of her glass was up and Derek still stood there she set both the glasses down, beside her purse and made her way towards him.
"It's okay," she whispered when she was right in front of him. "You can come on in," she smiled.
He stilled for a very short moment, a moment so short she would have missed if she didn't have her hands on his shoulders. She rose on her tip-toes, ignoring that and kissed him on his cheek, right on the scar. She lingered there for a moment, her eyes closed, her breath held. But she sighed when she felt his hands on her waist as well, and felt his body start to relax under her hold.
Pulling by the arm, she managed to get him to sit on the sofa chair and drink that glass of water that she knew he wanted.
"It's alright, Derek." She told him softly, brushing her palm against his shoulder.
When the bottom of his glass was up as well, he began to place it on the table, right beside her and as Nova was about to take both the glasses and put them in the kitchen, she felt hands on her and then she was sitting on Derek's lap.
Her eyes were open wide in surprise, her mouth open, her cheeks aflame and her heartbeat â god, her heartbeat seemed to be running so fast that she felt like she might need another glass of water.
She didn't say anything though, not when the very next moment Derek was pulling her even closer and was burying his face in her shoulder and started to just â breathe. He held her tightly against himself, as if making sure she was there, as if he was comforted by her presence.
Her mouth closed at that thought, a smile replacing it. She placed her hands above his which were coiled around her waist tightly, brushing her thumb across his smooth knuckles and feeling the softest of bumps there, most probably caused by punching someone or something. She brought his palm up, held by both her hands and kissed the small, fading scars, just like he had done to her back in the car.
It was like that for a while until Nova felt a warm, soft sensation between her shoulder and neck that made shivers run down her body and a small gasp leave her lips.
"Are you real, Nova?" came his voice then, when she clutched his hands tighter. His voice was soft, yet somehow rough at the edges and so close to her sensitive spot; it made another wave of shivers run past.
She shifted on his lap, lifting his head with both her hands and when he looked up, it was as if her breath was taken away from her. Because Derek was beautiful.
Derek was just so beautiful that it had started to pain Nova to look at him sometimes. At times like this, when his face was clear as day beneath the warm yellow lights of the lamp beside them. His eyes were so darkly blue, so abysmally blue that she just wanted to cry. He was beautiful. Too beautiful.
She dipped down, catching his lips with her own softly, as soft as she could manage and nipped at his lower lip, and then gave it a soft lick.
"What do you think?" she asked then, looking up at his eyes, her thumbs brushing his godly cheekbones. She resisted the urge to kiss his scar again, and raked her fingers through his thick yet soft hair instead, a smile still on her face.
He closed his eyes at that, let out a soft breath and whispered.
"You are."
"I am."
"But you scare me."
That caught her offguard. The furrow between her eyebrows would prove that. But she didn't ask him. No, she just kept brushing his hair by her fingers.
"You shouldn't be real. And even if you are you shouldn't be around me. And if you're going to be around me you shouldn't be with me. And if you're with me you shouldn't be this close, shouldn't be this good, this beautiful, this pure, thisâ"
"Sh," she shushed him. "I'm real and I'm with you. That's all that matters. And you- you are the beautiful one, Mister! You can't be going around saying all that stuff about me which you beat me at! Good? Beautiful? That's you! I'm not listening to you on this one, nuh-uh. You don't get a say," she said, trying to ease out the atmosphere. And for effect, she took her hands off him and crossed them against her chest, looking away.
This was all new to her, she wouldn't lie. She didn't throw tantrums, not even for a show yet the way it was coming to her so naturally almost had her confused. Almost, because when she thought that it was Derek, it all made sense. And perhaps that should scare her, or maybe tell her to take a step back and take time to analyse what it was that was happening here, between them. But for some reason, she felt as if there was no analysis required, as if it was clear as dayâas clear as Derek's beautiful blue eyes.
"You say that now," he said, reaching out for her hands and brushing his palms across her arms. She uncrossed them and as she did that, Derek gave her a fleeting kiss on the cheek, colouring her cheeks red.
But the very next moment he was pulling her up and placing her beside him and standing up himself. He went to the fireplace beside the floor to ceiling windowsâthe very one that gave a clear view of the apple treeâand began to prepare a fire, not giving a single glance at anything else.
She watched him do his business, a little bit confused, a little bit understanding, and a little bit hopeful. Hopeful for him to say whatever it was that he wanted to say but was resisting; had been resisting for a while now.
"You won't when you know the whole truth."
He said, standing up when the fireplace was lit up. Now he was looking right at the tree, his arms crossed in front of him, his jaw ticking.
"Stop saying that," Nova said as she stood up to go to him. When she reached him she just stood there beside him, not doing anything, just looking at the tree like he was. She tried to imagine what would have occurred in the past, what it could have been to make someone so beautiful think so lowly of himself. Someone so smart think like that about himself.
From what bits she knew, she was sure he wasn't in the wrong. He couldn't have been if his reactions and explanation was anything to go by.
"But it's true," he said, glancing at her yet still not moving. So, Nova stood still as well.
There was a long moment of silence then, both just looking out at the fog starting to cover the atmosphere. It was pretty, but it was also sad and lonely.
"I'm with you, Derek," she finally said, lifting her gaze up to look at him, and when he didn't look back at her, she turned her head straight as well. "I hope you know that."
Another wave of silence, another wave of the wind bringing along fog and making the air dense, yet somehow, the apple tree stayed clear in the moon light.
"I know, now."
*
"It didn't used to be like this," Derek said, touching the wall beside the window of her room. They had decided to order in, and after eating and cleaning up they went up to her room, to get ready for bed. It was ten at the night now, both sleepy but also restless due to the energy that was ever-present whenever it was just the two of them.
Derek had cleaned up before her and now as she came out of the bathroom after her own shower and in her pajamas now, she sat on her bed, looking at him.
"This house," he continued, slowly moving towards the window. Nova looked at him as he stared out the window â from the second story, nothing was much visible except from the fog that had made the view translucent.
Nova just hummed in reply, encouraging him to go on. It was rare, very rare that Derek would talk first about something that wasn't work related and Nova wanted to savor all what she could. He was wearing one of her own pajamas that had accidentally come in an extra-large size when she had bought them online. It also helped since it had been a part of the men's wear. She had no idea how she managed to mess up a simple order while shopping online this bad but she hadn't returned it either; just trying it once and when it was clear that it was actually too big on her she decided to just bury it in a corner of her closet.
It was bigger on Derek as well but by height it came just right. He looked cuddly but maybe Nova hadn't lost her head completely yet because there was no way she was commenting anything on that. It was hard enough to get him to even consider wearing it; the man had been ready to doze off in his office wear that was surely uncomfortable. But she had gotten around to make him wear it.
"I mean I wouldn't really know since I never entered this house before but surely it hadn't been this well-cared back then." He turned his head around to look at the lamps beside the windowsill and then at the small bookshelf. He brushed his hand on the wooden shelf before turning towards her, "Right?"
"I'm not sure," she said, spreading out the blankets on the bed properly. "It was still in a better condition when we saw it. Looked like no one had been here for years, sure, but still, condition wise it wasn't bad. My mother had an interior designer design it though, so I reckon it's pretty different than what it would've been before," she told him, looking around as well.
"Yeah," and he trailed off. Now as Nova looked at him, she had a frown on her face. She couldn't understand why Derek would fight himself this much. It was clear by his questions and the topic chosen for small-talk that he was having an internal battle, testing the waters, seeing how it would go if he did decide to open up. But Nova wasn't selfish, she wouldn't pressure him. He could take his time and meanwhile all Nova could do was to make sure that she was still there.
Because Derek looked sadly lonely. He hadn't looked so ever to her. But whenever it came to this house and his past relating to it, he closed off, and he had this sad aura around himself that it wasn't helpable except to perceive it for what it was.
The way he looked across the windowâfirst downstairs and now in her room, it felt like he wanted to escape something, as if there was something he wished to find that was out there. And it was sad. And Nova knew that it wasn't right to think this way about him butâ
"The garden has changed completely," Derek brought her out of her head. She stood up at that, going to stand beside him and looking down at what he was so intrigued by.
"The only thing it used to have was the Apple tree, now there's a lot more plants and trees to give it company," he went on.
"Derek," Nova called out, slipping her fingers in-between his. And when he closed his fist with her palm still in his, that was when Nova knewâhe trusted her.
"It was that Apple tree, this garden that I ever jumped the wall to get here." He started, still looking through the window, as if watching it all happen through his mind's eye.
"It was that and the fact that I looked the way I do. Kids are pure, they are honest, but sometimes they're brutal. And when kids are immature but they think they're grown-ups, that's when the problem begins." Derek had now began to brush his thumb across her knuckles, as if telling her he was still here, still with her. Not yet gone away.
"I was a teen, and my face has been like this since I was five. It was acid, my Mum told me, never said how though, and I never asked. To me, the fact that it was there at all was all that mattered. It was the reason I had no friends, and after some time, I had made peace with that fact; I had no desire to make them either. But then the bullying started, which didn't bother me because I stood up for myself. Mum and Dad taught me how to do that, and what they didn't, I learnt myself. So, the bullying stopped as well." Another squeeze.
"But then the pity came. And the horrid faces. Those were difficult because no one ever said anything, not to my face. Never to me but behind my back or whispering in front of me, clearly about meâabout," He lifted his other hand up, and looking at the reflection the window's glass provided, brushed his fingers against the soft skin of his scar. "This."
Nova took a deep breath in, coiling her other hand across his arm and resting her head on his shoulder. Looking at him through the same reflection of the window.
"They never said anything about it out loud, only through their pitiful eyes and pitiful smile. It was that or horror. I preferred horror. Because that was understandable. Pity wasn't. I wasn't anything different, I had no disadvantage, the only this I had was a scar where it showed. But I wasn't as wise then, which was why I was filled with hatred."
There was a slight pause in the pattern of his thumb against her skin, but before she could think of it, the caress continued.
"I hated how they looked at me and never said anything because I was ready to fight. I hated how they pitied me yet never came close. I hated how any person that developed the courage to talk to me ended up asking about it and then, when they heard it was nothing special, nothing cool, left the next day, never to be seen with me again. I was only a kid, and I would've asked my mother if she hadn't been kissing my left cheek only. I knew my- my scar had an effect on her and I hoped that it didn't. Because I thought she was supposed to love all parts of me, despite what I had and what I didn't, despite how I was."
Another halt in the rhythm of his brushes. Another continuation.
"But I was stupid, a kid. So one day, when a guy came to me and asked about it and after knowing just brushed it aside and told me how I won't ever get another person to like me because of it and that no one would kiss me because of it, I got mad."
Nova placed a quick kiss on his scar at that. A small laugh, a soft squeeze, some butterflies.
"I didn't say anything to him because somewhere, somehow, I believed him. And he had been the first one to say something genuine to me. So I ran when school was over, not taking the bus. I ran and ran and ran and I crossed the road and I sawâI saw this Apple tree. I saw it and I thought the place was empty so I climbed the wall and landed right under the Tree."
The caress stopped. Nova waited a second, two seconds, three seconds, and when she reached five, she gave his hand a squeeze this time and began brushing her thumb on his knuckles. Reminding him this time that wherever he was goingâalbeit in his mindâshe was going with him.
"I land and there he sat on his benchâit's still there, I saw just today. So I land and he's sat at the bench. He was old and wrinkly, at first glance you would find him hideous but I didn't â I was used to it you could say," at that, frowning to herself, Nova kissed his clothed shoulder before plopping her head back on it and snuggling closer to him.
"I was going to bolt the second I saw him; I was looking for a place away from anybody, but here was somebody and I didn't want to be around anyone. And I would have, had he not stopped me. He introduced himself as 'Lamb', and he talked funnyâfunny to the fourteen year old me. He said he was called Lamey-Lamb by the people; it was because he had one tin leg and his walk was funny. He then told me he liked that they called him that, said it proved they were friends. I thought he was mental." Nova could hear a little smile in his voice at that and so she allowed herself to smile a little as well.
"No, really. I did, but then he started asking me weird questions, questions that seemed weird at the start but then, at the end of it all, it made sense. He was like me, alone and with a problematic appearance. But he had his brain to accompany him and he introduced me to mine. He introduced me to the answers to my questions, the ones I didn't even ask. He acted aloof but he was deeper than that, and that day, for the first time ever, I'd found someone who was like me and who understood me even when he didn't completely. He didn't pretend, he didn't put anything for the show, he was wiser than any man I knew and he made it seem easier than it'd ever felt. Smaller than I'd ever tried to convince myself of the issue's being.
"He said I was his friend, that he had lots of friends because he let them come to his garden. He said I was his friend just because he wanted me to be. He didn't get offended when I told him he couldn't be mine just because. But I lied, he had felt like the closest person to a friend that I'd ever remembered having. He said I was invited whenever for however long I pleased. And I believe him.
"But then, it got late," and Derek paused at this, his gaze gaining back some focus from when it had been looking into nothing earlier. He cleared his throat and then continued. All the while Nova still caressed his knuckles.
"It got late and I had to go, he said to come back but then he said he knew I won't. He had no idea I had every intention to come back, no idea that I planned to visit him frequently. He had no idea that he had actually become my first friend that I'd made in my fourteen years of existence. I wished I hadn't gone, though."
Nova knew what came next, he'd told her that before, albeit briefly.
So, knowing the weight of the memory, she pulled him towards the bed and made him sit on it, while sitting beside him herself, still not letting go of his arm. She realised she was being clingy but she wasn't about to distance herself from him. Not now.
"He'd told me that he was going to climb the ladder and pluck the ripe apples so that the kids won't waste them. I'd asked him how he planned to do that with a tin leg and he said he learnt that through the years. I believed him. I told him I would help earlier, when he asked me if I would when I'd initially fallen to that side. And I told him I would help him once I came back from telling my Mum. But," he paused. "But he didn't wait."
"I left and I reached home, my house was three miles from here but I ran to make it quicker. I reached home, told my mother about him but when she reacted differently I got mad again. I left my home this time to get here. I ran faster and when I reached I found thatâthatâ"
Nova left his arm and grabbed both his hands, palms in hand and rubbed on the back of them, trying to calm him down.
He took a deep breath, and continued. "I found him lying beneath the Apple tree, under his ladder. I was scared he was hurt. I called his name and when he didn't respond, that scared me even more. I checked if he was breathing, I felt if his heart was beating, I tried to get the ladder off him, but he wouldn't stir. So I ran again, this time to the nearest police station andâand they said he was dead. They said he had died. Gone."
Derek looked at her then, and the look on his face almost made Nova cry. He looked frightened, something that happened a decade ago still so fresh in his memory that it was visible through his widened eyes and his agape mouth. His irregular breathing giving it all away.
"They said he was gone. How could he have been gone, just like that? I'd just told him I would come back, I'd told him I would and he refused to believe me. He said he would be sitting there but I wasn't going to come to him. I told him I would and I did. Then why was he the one gone? He said once I go I was gunna stay gone but I didn't. I came back. He didn't. He lied butâbutâ"
Nova couldn't take it anymore. She let her tears fall now as she flung her hands around his neck and pulled him towards her. His breathing had increased too much, so much that he was starting to sweat. He needed to calm down. So she hugged him close to herself, her hands rubbing his broad back gently. She ran both her hands across his back and through his hair, trying to get him back to her.
"It's okay; it's okay, Derek, I'm here. I'm right here, right here with you. I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you, you hear me? I'm not letting you go anywhere. You're gonna stay right here with me and we're both gonna be fine, okay? Derek? You're with me, you hear?" she whispered to him, trying to calm him down. It took a few minutes but it worked. His breathing slowed down and then he was back. His hands wrapped around her and he hugged her tight, inhaling sharply.
They sat there like that for a moment after Nova pulled away briefly, to turn the lights off.
"Let's get to bed and have some sleep okay?" she whispered when she tucked him to her bed and then got beside him herself. She thought to maintain some distance, give him space should he want some but when she felt Derek's body press behind her, his hands getting to her waist yet again, she released a soft sigh and closed her eyes, putting her hands over his and leaning into him more.
She waited for when Derek's breathing calmed down, indicating he was asleep and then she allowed her own head to rest.
They both needed this; Derek wasn't ready for anything else tonight. He had already reminisced enough past for tonight.
And so, she kissed his arm softly and then closed her eyes, welcoming the darkness.
---------------
A/N:
So here we have the most anticipated chapter! (Anticipated by me ofc.)
I wanted to write this ever since I'd got this idea and i think it came out well? What do you think?
So yeah, Derek's backstory is taken from 'On The Face of It' by Susan Hill. The book that inspired DARKSIDE.
Also yes I am alive and breathing, and this chapter is almost 5k words so please forgive me. I just felt lost whenever I got to write this but today I guess I had a surge if motivation during my online class. I actually wrote more than half of this just today. And I was gonna wait for tomorrow but I don't trust my lazy forgetful ass so I decided to get this done with tonight itself!
Hope you liked it tho and do tell me what y'all think. Read, vote, comment, share, add, follow, and ENJOY!
See you when I get another random motivation boost ;)
Love you lots!
-Z.