We all wore black, our shoes were a dull noir leather that matched with the suits we were wearing. The only colorful things around us were the twenty-one Panamanian flags that represented the lives lost. The flapped in the wind only adding to the mourning songs that the nI stood on weak knees three days after the bombing. My black leather shoes matched my suit. The shoes matched the sunglasses everyone wore. The feeling of darkness seeped into the mood. The only thing of color was nature and the twenty-six Panamanian flags that represented the lives of those who died before their time. The flags flapped in the wind, which added to the somber song the national band played from a position out of sight.
We stood in the middle of a large stage surrounded by stairs that people looked up from. There was a level above us wide enough for several people to look down on what normally was an interactive play, that's where the families stood. I could hear fathers, brothers, sisters, mothers, wives and children who held the ashes. The emotions were like a weight on my chest.
The weather matched the mood. Thick gray clouds above obscured the sun from view and wind billowed past us. Everyone wore blank expressions waiting for us to speak. Bernardo put his fingertips to my arm, and I reached to grab his hand. With a half step forward so I was closer to the microphone that hovered in the air, I took a deep breath before I began my speech in Spanish.
"I want to begin this with thanks to those both here physically and through the internet. I would also like to thank those who are providing security all over the kingdom. I want you all to know that we see and respect the results of the many hours spent doing selfless acts, thankless work, and menial tasks. Sadly, we have to come together today to send off twenty-six brothers and sisters of the kingdom. I am sad to say that twenty-six crematory urns will join the thousands of others around us. They will rest among the strongest, bravest, and wisest people Panama has ever had the pleasure of housing." I paused when Bernardo squeezed my hand as he said he would if I talked too fast throughout the speech. When I calmed myself I continued.
"Their legacy is one of calor, integrity, sacrifice, and peace. I promise to everyone here that their deaths won't be in vain. We will put an end to the Muerte de la Corona and the chaos they have tried to foster. We will make them face justice for the atrocities they've perpetrated. We will put in the work necessary to clarify that Panama will no longer be a safe-haven for those who are fleeing the consequences of their actions in other kingdoms." People clapped and cheered, so I waited for them to calm before continuing.
"I want our love for those who have died to be indisputable around the world. I wish for our brothers and sisters to find comfort in the mysterious beyond. Please take a moment of silence in remembrance." I took a step back. Bernardo took a step forward in my place.
"Thank you for observing the moment of silence. We will now dismiss the gathering and allow the families' privacy as they place their loved ones at the last resting place. Please be safe, prosperity to Panama," he said. The crowd echoed back the chant, and guards who were waiting at the side surrounded us. People bowed as our guard detail ushered us to our vehicles and I could finally take a calming breath of air.
"Are you okay?" I looked over at him and shrugged. "I'll be fine, it's the families I worry about. We gave them money, but that's just a bandaid to their problems. Those deaths changed forever the dynamics of how they live. Celine didn't die, but the injury changed the way my parents operated. It will be worse for those families and I can't shake the feeling of responsibility. I don't know if I can live like his." My palms had grown clammy, which made it hard for me to undo the buttons around my wrist.
"You can't put this all on yourself. This is the fault of the terrorist. They did this for no reason. There isn't a change that we made that would warrant attacks from any sane individuals." I tried to think of what we could have implemented that would make someone angry enough to attack at random, but I couldn't think of anything.
"Sometimes people do senseless things and our only job is to make sure they face the consequences they deserve," he said. He grabbed my hand, and I focused on not pulling away on instinct. I allowed him to prove the things he said to me through his actions. "What is the plan?"
"I'm not concrete on anything yet. We have the option of sifting through the country, but the timetable on that with the equipment this kingdom has now isn't efficient. We can also lure them to a place but I feel they are too smart to fall for that and it would put people in danger. I still have a lot of planning to do," he answered.
I saw that he was looking outside the window. He trained his eyes on the horizon as he thought through tactics we could employ. Over the months we had spent together, I noticed it was a habit he used frequently. He would stare at a fixed point anytime he was thinking about something or when he was in a state of content.
"Where did your mind wander to?" That got his attention. He turned to look at me, a disingenuous half smile on his face. His eyes were dull. "I was thinking about the conversation I had with my family."
"What got you to think about them right now? Was it the funeral," I asked. Looking at the look of pain on the family's faces, I almost broke. I hadn't known what it felt to lose someone dear. My grandparents passed before I was born and they buried my aunts and uncles who died in the war we had with Europe long before they even considered. It looked like an insurmountable task to get over the death of someone. In a time where death was not as much of a guarantee as it once had been very few prepared for the hit.
"Not exactly. My parents were wondering if being here dulled my edge. They were expecting me to be on a path of rage and didn't understand why I had not torn the city up looking for the enemy." He cracked his neck and looked back out the window.
"Why haven't you turned the city upside down?" He turned back to look at me. "Well, I have an angel on my shoulder instead of a devil who wouldn't be happy if I destroyed the peace he's trying to build." He smiled, and I turned away before smiling.
"How long are you going to do that for?" The question came after a lengthy stretch of silence. "What do you mean," I asked.
"I can tell that you like when I'm affectionate with you but you won't let me see it." He had a serious expression on, and I could feel electricity between us.
"When I'm sure that you won't hurt me again," I said. "That's fair," he replied.
"I'm surprised that you didn't cry at the funeral," he said, after another interminable stretch of silence as the scenery blurred past and the clouds deepened in their tone. "It was not about me or my emotions. Those families are the ones hurt. I felt like my tears would be disrespectful to them."
He didn't reply, so we rode for the rest of the ride to the palace in silence. "I need to take my break but as always I'm just a call away," Alejandro said after helping me exit the car. He looked tired, and it was for good reason. Every time we went out he had to be on high alert and there were fifty thousand people for him to monitor at the service.
"It's my turn to cook so I'll start on that. Can't wait to get a full staff here," Mileta said as she walked through the front door behind us. "Your lips to god's ears," Bernardo said. We parted from our guard as we went up to our bedroom where we took seats on the chairs we rarely used. Another period of silence passed as we took in the day's events.
"Let's get into something comfortable," Bernardo said as thunder began rumbling in the distance. I stood and walked into the bathroom with Bernardo not far behind. I went for the closet first and removed my suit, placing it into a hamper marked for dry cleaning and then put on a robe. Leaving the closet, I went to the sink. On the counter was a jar with pink jelly in it meant for hair removal. I used a spell for most of my body hair maintenance, but I still liked to use the contents of the jar on my knuckles.
When my hands were hair free, I made sure that my body was free of stubble with a beautification spell as the shower cut on. "You can join me. I know you like to conserve resources." I glimpsed Bernardo's glistening body in the mirror and took in an unnecessary gulp of air. Nervously, I dropped my robe and walked over to the shower.
"There's room for two," he said. He had a smug smile on his face while I stood there still as a statue, taking in his carved physique.
"We aren't having sex after coming from a funeral," I said. "I wasn't even thinking about sex. You know at some point you're going to have my kids? You might as well get used to being naked around me." He was testing me, I could feel it. I stepped inside and the hot steam jetting from the shower heads hit my skin. The feeling was almost orgasmic after a stressful day.
"Nobody said I would be the carrier of our contractually obligated children," I said. He scoffed, "You don't seem like the type to enjoy being on top and I'm definitely not going to let you fuck me. I'm willing to bet my portion of the kingdom you're going to the one to carry them. I can't wait to see you filled out just a tad." I rolled my eyes at the entire conversation and was about to leave when he grabbed me and pulled me close. The feeling of him stopping me reminded me of his iron grip when he grabbed me out of anger. He must have remembered as well because he caressed me to sooth me as my body went rigid.
After I calmed, he washed me with something that smelled like pastries while an amber aroma rolled off him. We kept silent until we were both clean and oiled. I parted from his grasp to put on a plain white shirt and shorts and he wore long pants without a shirt. Before we left the bathroom, he kissed me on the cheek and we went down to the kitchen where all four of us ate and then finished tasks we had to complete before the end of the day.
I finally tired near midnight and climbed into bed where he was waiting. I was sure that I didn't love him, but I was becoming fonder of him as the days passed. What I loved was his affectionate side. When he noticed I came to bed, he pulled me close and kissed the back of my neck a hundred times. I knew the number because he counted. If he could be this way forever, I was sure he would capture my heart. Just being close to him lessened the pain that those twenty-six deaths had caused. I would have crumbled without him there to reassure me.ational band played while remaining out of sight We were positioned in the middle of a stage build out of multiple large stairs. On the stairs above up stood the families of those who had lost their lives. I could hear men, women, and children crying. The emotions around us were heavy as if there was a weighted blanked above me. At the top of the steps stood the ashes in their containers made out of pure gold.
As if in a movie the sky seemed to match the general mood of the surrounding area. The clouds ahead obscured the sun from view and the wind blew against all the observers standing below us. The all had black faces and we're looking to hear what we're going to say. I could feel Bernardo's fingertips coming into contact with mine and I reached over to hold his hand. I took half a step forward towards to microphone and closed my eyes and prepared myself for the speech I was to give and slowly though of the first lines in Spanish before I finally spoke up.
"Thank you, everyone, for showing up today. I want to begin by thanking everyone in the audience both in person and through the internet that has dedicated their life to serving our nation. I want to convey how sincere I am with my thanks for the selflessness of the people who protect us. The many hours that probably feel thankless, and the menial task you do day in and day out. I want you to know that I speak for the crown when I say we are appreciative of the sacrifices you have made and will work harder to make sure you feel that appreciation. Sadly we are here because 21 of our brothers and sister had made the ultimate sacrifice as a result of a senseless attack. I am sad to say that these 21 urns will join the thousands of others along the rolling hills. They will rest among the strongest, bravest, and kindest Panamanians. Their legacy will be one of valor, integrity, sacrifice, and peace. I promise everyone here that their deaths won't be in vain, we will put an end to the rising threat of terrorist Muerte de la corona has been trying to foster. We will make them face justice for the atrocities they have perpetrated. Most, importantly we will put in the work necessary to make it known that Panama will not tolerate anyone who has nefarious intentions. I want it to be evident that we love our fallen brother and sisters and hope they find comfort in the mysterious beyond," I finished my speech without any major issues and stood back beside Bernardo.
"Please remain silent as we take a moment to remember these brave men and women," Bernardo said in Spanish that was much better than mine. I dropped my head and closed my eyes as everyone in attendance ceased any murmuring that had built within the few seconds it took for my speech to end and Bernardo's to begin. It had been a long day for everyone as we had finished the festivities which included a parade and the presentation of the urns.
"Thank you for observing out moment of silence we will now dismiss the gathering and allow for the families to pace their loved ones at their final resting place without interruptions. Please go and be safe, prosperity to Panama," he said and received an echo of his last statement before our guards were at our sides ushering us away to our cars once inside the confines of the vehicle things seemed to slow down considerably.
"Are you feeling okay," Bernardo asked me.
"I'll be okay, it's the families that I am worried about. Money can only solve so many issues, they are missing someone dear to them who died for something that wasn't directly related to them. I still feel responsible for these deaths in a way I had never felt while I was the prince to the North. I hope this isn't how it's always going to be because if it is I won't be able to keep on like this," I expressed while unbuttoning my sleeves. At the same time, I noticed how sweaty my palms had become throughout the duration of the day.
"It's unreasonable to put this all on yourself, you're giving the terrorist an out as if the had no part in the deaths. Name one law that we have implemented that would frazzle someone enough to assault a guarded compound," he challenged. I tried to think of something that I have done to make someone's life harder or the degrading of someone's quality of life and I couldn't. We hadn't been here long enough to do anything significant yet,
"See, sometimes people do senseless things and our only job is to make sure that they face the consequences they have earned," Bernardo said as he touched my hand. I wanted to pull away out of impulse but I remained still and let his rougher hand grasp mine. I was an adult I believed that he was going to start trying to work on the relationship between him and me, but I was going to let his actions verify what he was communicating verbally.
"What is your plan," I asked.
"I am not completely sure yet. We have the option of sifting through the country, but that is just unfeasible and it would take far too long. There is also the option of luring them to a place but they are too smart to fall for that and it endangers people. We have a lot of planning to do as well as a lot of reassuring of the people."
I looked over at him and saw that he was looking outside the window his eyes trained on something that probably wasn't really there. I had noticed over our time together that he would stare at absolutely nothing when he was in a state of content or when he was in deep thought.
"Where did you go," I asked to get his attention. His head turned to look at me and he gave a disingenuous half smile.
"Thinking about my conversation with my family back home."
"What about them has you thinking so hard," I asked him.
"They were criticizing if I had lost my touch. They are used to a lot more rage from me and don't understand why I'm not tearing the city up looking of those sons of bitches."
"Why aren't you tearing the city up?"
"Well I have an angel on my shoulder who's been able to win more arguments than not with the devil on my other shoulder," he smiled at his corny joke. I couldn't help but smile back but looked away so he couldn't see.
"How long are you going to do that," he asked after we drove for a while.
"What are you talking about?"
"The way that you pretend like you don't like me being affectionate," he continued.
"When you show me that you won't hurt me," I replied after a moment of thought.
"That's fair," he agreed as we rode in silence for a long while.
"You didn't cry," he said out of the blue.
"It wasn't about my emotions. I didn't lose anything, especially when compared to the families. I felt that it would be disrespectful to be bawling over people I had never met when the families were around dealing with real pain."
He didn't say anything else opting for letting the comfortable silence take its place. He kept a hold on my hand all the way to our home.
"I'm going to be taking my break, but as always I'm at your disposal," Alejandro said after we exited the car. He looked really tired and I couldn't blame him. Every time we went out he had to be on guard ad there were around fifty thousand people at the service today. That was a lot of people to worry about.
"I'm going to cook since it's my turn, I can't wait for there to be a full staff here," she said as she walked behind us into the palace.
"You and me both," Bernardo agreed as he led me upstairs. I let him pull me to the bedroom and we both sat on the bed.
"So," I said awkwardly.
"Let's get into something more comfortable," He said while he stood up and made his way to the bathroom.
I stood as well and followed behind him and made my way to the closet where I disrobed. In the bathroom I could hear the sounds of water and k ew he was in the shower. After grabbing a robe I walked out into the bathroom and made my way to the sink.
"You can join me if you want to save water and all," Bernardo said from behind me as I grabbed the porcelain container filled with hair removal jelly. I didn't respond to his invitation and proceeded to take a little bit of the expensive gel and rubbed it into my skin and watched as tiny amounts of stubble dropped into the sink. After washing it out I began my pre-shower routine and ignored Bernardo glistening body in the reflection of the mirror. When complete I walked over to the shower area and looked at my husband.
"Are you finished?"
"I feel like just chilling in here, there really is room for two," he said smugly.
"I'm not having sex with you today especially not after a funeral," I replied to him.
"You act like at some point I won't be putting babies in you," he replied and I sensed he was trying to test how far he could go.
"Who said I'd be the one carrying our contractually obligated children?"
"Well I'm not letting you fuck me, maybe a tongue but that's as far as I'm going. Also, I want to see you with a little bit of weight," He replied. I redded at his words and began to turn and leave. I felt his iron grip before I could make two steps.
"Look it's just a shower nothing more nothing less," he whispered as he began pulling the fluffy robe off of me revealing my naked body. When the robe hit the ground he kicked it to the side and brought me alongside him into the shower. I could feel the mix of hot water and steam washing the grime of the day off. His hands roamed my body for a brief moment before he turned me around and held a shower puff to my face.
I grabbed it and placed it against the wall and felt a small jet of soap spray into the shower puff. I could smell the cupcake scent already. Bernardo was washing with something that smelled like amber. What was weird was that we didn't talk at all. We managed to just watch each other wash ourselves and then when we were finished he dried me off. Of course, he made sure my bottom half was plenty dry before I walked away and glazed my body in oil and clothes myself in something simple.
He left me alone for the rest of the day and that gave me way too much time to think about how he was making me feel. I knew I didn't love him for sure, I wasn't every sure I'm that I liked him. What I did enjoy was his affectionate style, yet every time it came out I remembered how he grabbed me and that works color my view of him. He and a lot of work to do to get me and I had some work to do in order to be open enough to allow him to acquire my heart.