Regret
~ 1 Month Later ~
"Honest? How's this for honest? You didn't reject me because you were arrogant or because I wasn't your type, you rejected me you weren't good enough for me! You weren't good enough back then and you aren't now. Maybe I do love you but that doesn't matter. No matter what I do you always look for the best way to screw it all up. I don't know what I want. Maybe I never will but I know what I have to do. I have to go."
Stay, he thought. Stay with me. But what left his mouth was, "Then go! Run away. But don't expect me to go looking for you this time because I won't."
"I never asked you to," she said. She turned and walked away and he willed himself to stop her, to give her a reason to stay, to be that reason. Stop her, he told himself. Stop her before it was too late. His hand lifted ever so slightly but she was gone and he was left in a swirl of snow.
When Grant woke his hand was lifted as if he could reach it into the past and pull his mate through back to him. But she was gone and all that he to keep him warm at night was regret and the bottom of a bottle. Maybe it wasn't healthy or befitting of an Alpha that she'd approve of but he simply didn't care.
"I never asked you to," her voice echoed in his head as he pulled himself out of bed. "I never asked you to." He dragged himself to his personal shower, nose wrinkling from his own stench of bourbon. "I never asked you to." He turned the water on and stepped into the spray still in his clothes. "I never asked you to." He hung his head as icy water splattered against him sinking into his clothes, flesh, and bones. "I never asked you to." All he could picture in his mind was the look on her face right before she turned away. "I never asked you to." All he could see was that look of hurt in eyes as it warred with the anger on her face. "I never asked you to."
"I never asked you to."
"I never asked you to."
~*~*~*~
I shivered and knocked my boots against the ground to shake the snow off them. I let out a heavy breath which bellowed out and turned visible when it hit the frozen air. Snow piled itself upon the earth greedily swallowing everything in its path until the ground was a sheet of white.
Still, I'd rather freeze out here than be inside with the rest of them. I looked through the trees at the Greyson home. Twinkling lights hung from the windows, the gutter, the doorframe, and anywhere that Mrs. Greyson could put them. A big green wreath with red ribbon strangling it hung from the front door and through the living room window you could see a large Christmas tree that looked like it'd come straight of a magazine with wrapped boxes rising up from the floor like colorful buildings from the dirt.
Even from here I could hear them laughing in there, my adoptive family, close friends, and trusted pack mates. I was remembering more and more in weird little pieces. In years prior I would be in there with them despite not celebrating the holiday myself. I enjoyed the atmosphere, everyone was so happy to be together. It always felt like home.
Except this year. It was home but it was a home I could no longer touch. It hurt deep inside to be near it and yet I longed so desperately to go through that door and join them. They would welcome me with open arms of course. They'd be glad to see me, I was family. But I couldn't. Something was broken in me, had been for a long time but now was shattered, there was no ignoring the pain that demanded to be heard. The pain of lost love. Lost family.
Is this how it feels to be an orphan? Does the pain ever fade?
I exhaled and turned my back to the house. Christmas was always a big affair when I was a kid. It was the one time of the year that it was just us, Mom, Dad, Ty and me. No one else. I always loved it. It used to be my favorite time of the year. When I was really little I made Dad drive all around town just so I could look at all the different decorations. I loved looking at the lights that everyone put up. I thought of Alex and hoped she granted me the final favor I asked her.
"You okay?"
"Shouldn't you be joining in on the celebration, Tristan?" I asked walking away from the house.
He walked with my on my right side having an easier time navigating the snow with his longer legs. "I could say the same to you, Kate."
"I'm not a very joyous person to be around at the moment. I didn't want to dampen their celebration," I answered. It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the whole truth either.
"You shouldn't be out here by yourself," he said placing his hand on my shoulder.
I stopped and turned to face him. "I can protect myself, besides it's not like there have been any attempts to grab me since we returned."
"That's not what I meant, Kate," he said softly as he stepped closer. "It's Christmas Eve. You shouldn't be alone."
I looked away from him, from the emotion in his eyes. "We're all alone in life, Tristan," I whispered knowing he could still hear me. "The key is to find at least one person who makes you feel like you aren't. Find someone like that and you'll be okay."
"Do you have someone like that?" Tristan asked. I knew his real question. Is he that someone for me?
I took a deep even breathe and nodded. "I do. But after everything that's happened I just need to be alone."
"For how long?"
"I don't know."
I started walked again when he didn't say anything. "Do you regret coming back?"
I froze. I have a few regrets but that wasn't one of them. "I regret leaving."
"Here or the first time you left Silver Moon?"
"Both," I whispered.
~*~*~*~
All of Silver Moon was celebrating Christmas. No, that's not right. Nearly all of Silver Moon. Beta Tyler Grim stood alone at a double grave morning the loss of his parents and of his mate that he pushed away. Alexandra Petiole was with her family as they opened presents. She held a wrapped package that'd been left on her doorstep a month ago, the day Kate left to return to her new pack.
The dark blue wrapping paper was faded and worn at the corners. With it came a sealed envelope with her name written on it in elegant cursive. She pulled out the letter inside even though she'd already read it several times.
Dear Alex,
I had gotten this for your sixteenth birthday but left before I could give it you. It was still sitting in my closet when I returned to Silver Moon.
I'll be gone by the time you read this and for that I'm sorry. I really wish that you were coming with us, for both you and Justin, but I of all people understand. I wish my situation hadn't influenced yours but it's never too late to fight for what you want.
I know that we will never have the same connect we had back when we were kids and I wanted you to know that I will regret that just as I will regret never reaching out to you and my family. But I have a favor to ask. Could you visit my parents on Christmas and tell them I love them?
I know Tyler will be there as well, please don't let him be all alone. He may never forgive me for my part in our parents' deaths, just as I could never forgive myself, but he will always be my baby brother and I'll always worry for him. I won't make the same mistake twice. I'll call when I can but I don't think I'll ever return to Silver Moon.
I have missed you both so, so much and you'll never know how much it broke my heart to have to leave you again but I couldn't stay. I hope I can see you both again one day.
Merry Christmas,
Katie.
She was both curious and afraid to tear open the present. It was Schrödinger's cat. Finally she just did it, the wrapping paper coming up easily after so many years of use. It was one of those plain white cardboard boxes you typically use for gifting clothes but it was too heavy to be clothing. She lifted the top and inhaled sharply. There, nestled in white tissue paper, was a beautifully wood framed portrait. One of the ones that you can pay to get a guy to draw you.
The sketch was of her and Kate when they were 13. Alex remembered sitting down with Kate for it. It was the first year they'd been allowed to go to the annual fall fair alone and they were so excited. She'd saw the guy drawing pictures and dragged her best friend over. They'd gotten one for each of them but one of her cousins had spilled coffee all over hers about a week later. She'd been so upset when it happened!
But she'd never told Kate about it because she didn't want to make it seem like she didn't care. Shifting everything to one hand Alex touched a finger to the glass right above the corner of her friend's smile. Then she noticed the words written in the corner.
I know you were upset that yours got ruined so here's mine. Love Katie!
She'd drawn a little smiley face below the words. Shock filled Alex's system. How had she known?
Alex quickly set everything down on the coffee table and pulled out Kate's letter.
But I have a favor to ask.
"Okay, Katie," she whispered under her breath. She grabbed the framed sketch and her purse.
"Where are you going?" he mother asked.
"There's something I need to do," she answered. She swiftly bent down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I love you, Mom. I'll be back later."
"Okay-!" her mother started to reply but she was already out the door.
It took maybe half an hour to get to the cemetery and it was snowing outside of course but Alex barely notice the cold as she got out of her car and half ran to her destination.
Kate was right. By himself holding a candle whose flame struggled against the cold Tyler kneeled at his parents' graves. She called out his name over the wind and he looked up. For a moment they just stood there staring at each as the wind tugged and pulled at them the Alex closed the gap between them and handed him Kate's letter.
~*~*~*~
Grant zipped his jacket further up as the wind threw snow at him. No one knew he was here. No one knew what he was doing. He didn't know if Katrina could ever forgive him, or if she even should, but this was something he could do for her, to ease the pain he'd caused. He wouldn't let the man who murdered her parents get away with it.
It had taken a month, partly because of his plan to drink himself to sleep every night, but finally he'd found him. Katrina had said the many who'd kidnapped her was named Jace. And he'd finally found him. The rogues had gone into hiding but Jace was holed up in a motel not too far away for his borders. It didn't make any sense to Grant that a rogue would be stupid enough to stick so close to a pack that was hunting him. Most of the others that weren't killed had scattered, most smart enough to get far away from his pack.
Except this one.
It was rundown one-room shack that'd been vacant for a number of years. Not a bad place to hide if you don't want anyone to even know your there. But it would had been smarter by far to go somewhere more populated. There is only one rule on which packs and rogues agree: Never reveal the truth to humans.
Grant almost smiled at his luck. This guy was making it far too easy to kill him. He was little more that rodent hiding in a dark corner.
Grant busted the door open and recoiled at the smell. It was the rot of something dead and a decaying house. He brought his shirt collar up over his nose though the action did little to deter the foul order. It was worse to actually step inside. The only light the room saw came in from the gaps between the termite-worn wood boards on the two windows and the door. It was difficult to discern one smell from another but as Grant traveled further into room the smell of blood was clear. He scanned the room settling on a large bundle in the furthest corner from the door. He kicked it and a man tumbled forward. He was breathing but barely.
Blood soaked the man's shirt and his midsection somewhat resembled ground beef. He would die and it would be soon. The man's eyes shot open and he looked up at Grant. "What happened?" Grant couldn't help but ask. The last thing he expected was to find the man like this. "Who did this?"
"Doesn't...matter," the man mumbled gasping softly for breath.
He was right, but something else did. "Why did you kill my mate's parents?" he demanded.
"To... her... leave..." Grant had to strain his ears and still miss a few words. But he got their meaning.
"Why?" he asked desperate to know and angry. Really angry. "Why would you do that?"
"So... know... pain... father... losing... mate." He answered.
It took a moment for Grant to fill in the blanks. "The pain of losing a mate?"
His eyes filled with a passion Grant didn't think the man had the strength for and his next words were very clear. "Your father stole my mate from me. That was my revenge." The man slumped back against the floor and his eyes glazed over. He was breathing his last breaths. "Ivanna..." he whispered.
Grant stumbled back. His mother? Grant knew that look in his eyes. He saw it in the mirror every morning. The eyes of a man wishing to be with his mate. But...
"Your parents aren't as innocent as you think!"
"She knew," he whispered to himself. All the tense moments between her and his parents because she knew. Not only that, she was getting her memories back.
Why didn't she tell him? After every hurtful word he flung at her and she held back something she knew would return the favor. Why? She kept this, something so huge, from him, from everyone this entire time. She could have ruined his father with this and get revenge for everything he and his father had done to her. So why?
He remembered the day he saw her fighting one of her pack mates. "Let me guess, fighting in wolf form is the one form of fighting you aren't good at?"
"Just the opposite."
At the time he never really thought about what her words meant but now it made perfect sense. He wondered why it never occurred to him before. Dammit. Why did she always have to be so goddamn noble?
He ran out of the shack leaving the man there to die alone. He wouldn't turn into him. He wouldn't die wishing to know how the love of his mate felt. He wouldn't let it turn out like that. Not if he had any say.