Chapter 276: Book 4 Chapter 37.2: Universe Seven

Hawkmoth and Heliocopris flew out of the portal, followed by an amorphous glob of transient matter. Getting the Void to break off a portion of itself to follow them back had been surprisingly easy. Too easy, in fact.

“Wow, what a nice, crowded dimension,” the Void said. “So full of...things. All of them so full of-”

Hawkmoth slapped the void’s blobby exterior.

“Stop being a pervert for like an hour, dude,” Hawkmoth scolded.

“They have plenty of fluids,” the Void said. “Why can’t they excrete some of them on me? I’ll ask nicely!”

“Asking is also a form of harassment,” Hawkmoth said. “Just shut up and get ready to fight the Destroyer.”

The blobby segment of Void grumbled to himself and starting forming his body into a combat-ready state. Moments later, the portal started surging with energy again, and Samson and Alex returned, followed shortly thereafter by two Gloobi’s.

“Wow, hey new guys,” the Void said. “You all look absolutely-”

“Don’t,” Hawkmoth snapped. The Void shut up.

“Hey, yeah, we’re back,” Samson said. “And we got the Gloobi’s.”

“Hello! This Gloobi is Gloobi, and that Gloobi is Gloobi,” said one of the Gloobi’s.

“We can tell,” Heliocopris said. “Are you ready to fight?”

“We are Gloobi’d to Gloobi.”

“We explained the situation and they followed us, so we assume that means yes,” Alex said. Being out of their native Gloobiverse had done nothing to unGloobi the Gloobi’s. They were still weirdly blurry-looking and sticky.

“Okay, only two universes left to go,” Hawkmoth said. “Wonder who’ll show up next.”

Hawke and Kim squeaked out a podium finish by showing up third. Kim appeared and immediately deactivated the illusion rune, proudly flexing metal arms once again, and then helped Hawke coax their new friend through the portal. Their new guest had a horrified, shell-shocked expression that Hawke had worn many times, and resembled Hawke in many ways, right up to the presence of facial tattoos, but had one very key and noticeable difference.

“Uh, so just for clarification, is this…”

“Yeah, this is me, sort of,” Hawke said, patting his doppelganger on the shoulder. “Her name’s Harper.”

“Hello, yes, Harper,” she said. Harper then went cross-eyed and scanned the room. “That’s a robot. There’s a blob man. Those two are just sort of red blurs, and those bugs can talk.”

“Yeah, take a moment,” Hawke said. “Breath it in.”

The human from the thoroughly magicless dimension took a moment to absorb the existence of magic, alternate dimensions, robots, and alien beings. She took a deep breath, slapped herself in the face, and then stood up straight.

“Okay, ready to save the multiverse,” Harper said. She lived in the multiverse, so it’d be kind of stupid of her not to save it.

“Glad to have you on board, Harper,” Samson said. “You’ll be fine. You’re a version of Hawke, after all. I guess.”

“You guess?” Harper said. She did a quick double take between herself and Hawke. “Oh, right. Gender.”

“It is a little weird that you’re not trans, right?”

“I actually am trans, but in the opposite direction,” Harper said.

“Maybe we traded,” Hawke said.

“Maybe,” Harper said. She aimed dual finger guns at Hawke. “Thanks for the gender, bud.”

“I suppose that sort of makes sense,” Samson admitted.

“As much as anything else does around here,” Alex said.

What little sense remained got much less sensible with the arrival of Vell Harlan and his new companion, a blurring mass of multicolored light and frenzied noise that constantly reshaped itself into jagged masses of color and borderline inaudible frequencies of sound. Given that it was actively painful to perceive them for more than a few seconds at a time, everyone else assumed it to be the guest from universe six.

“Hey guys,” Vell said. “This is my friend -*!`!~:’,,,#,,~~#.”

The entire roster of multiversal heroes stared at Vell for a few seconds.

“How did you make those noises with your mouth?”

“Well I lived with him for like a week, it would’ve been rude not to learn how to pronounce his name right,” Vell said.

The evershifting mass of imperceptible fury made a few noises that vaguely resembled the ones Vell had made earlier.

“He says hi,” Vell translated. He pointed at Harper for a second. “And he likes your skirt.”

“Oh, thank you,” Harper said.

“No time for compliments, no matter how nice the skirts,” Hawkmoth said. “We’ve assembled a defender from every layer of the multiverse, it’s time to put our heads together and figure out how to stop the Destroyer! Well, those of us who have heads, anyway.”

“I’m working on it,” the Void said. He had managed to assemble himself into a vaguely lightbulb-shaped blob, so far.

“We have Gloobi’s,” said the Gloobi’s.

“You sure fucking do,” Vell said, as he stepped away further away from the Gloobi’s. He was beginning to regret agreeing to this plan. The other universes weren’t exactly bringing their A-game. “Alright, let’s plan this out.”

***

“Okay, that’s something for everyone,” Vell said. “Kim and I are on the forward attack team. Heliocopris, Samson, you two flank and attack from behind. Void, Gloobi’s, you three are on containment duty.”

The Void saluted with a newly formed tentacle. The Void’s amorphous nature and the slightly sticky existence of the Gloobi’s would make them great at their jobs.

“-*!`!~:’,,,,,~~?., you’re on distraction duty,” Vell said. The raging ball of incoherent existence let out a short shriek of affirmation, and bobbed up and down once. Hopefully the Destroyer would find him as hard to perceive as everyone else did.

“Harper and Hawke, you’re on scanning and information gathering,” Vell continued. “We need as much info on the Destroyer as you can gather. Hawkmoth and Alex will stay back to collate the info and find a way to calibrate D.I.M. to send the Destroyer back to wherever he came from. Everyone got it?”

“Hell yeah,” Samson said. “Let’s save the fucking multiverse.”

“We’ve attuned D.I.M. to the new universe,” Hawkmoth said. “But we still don’t know what we’re going to find in there. It could be something as hostile as universe six, or as barren as the Void.”

“Maybe a lady Void,” the Void said. “With lots of fluids.”

“Shut up,” Vell snapped. “Only one way to find out.”

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Vell took one more deep breath of his native universe’s air and dove for the portal. He closed his eyes as he traveled through, and only opened them when he hit solid, albeit dusty, ground. Kim came through the portal and skidded to a halt seconds afterwards, and looked around.

“Oh, okay, you’re something.”

“Howdy howdy howdy,” said something. Specifically, a something that looked like a giant cactus in a scarf and cowboy hat. “Now I don’t mean to offend none, but you’re a mighty strange looking feller, you know that?”

Vell looked around at the cacti bystanders, all of whom were wearing different hats and scarves. By the assumed standards of the horde of western-themed cactuses around him, Vell imagined he did look pretty strange.

“It’s a long story,” Vell said. “Uh, is everyone here a cactus like you?”

“Not all like me, partner,” the cactus said. “We got all kinds, Barrel cactuses, Prickly Pears, San Pedro, Peyote, Barbary Fig, shoot, every kind of cactus you can think of and a few you probably can’t!”

“Right, and the accent?”

“What accent?”

Kim looked around. As far as she could see, everything resembled the kind of dusty western town one might see in a Clint Eastwood movie, and all the sentient cacti were wearing matching western accessories. Hawkmoth and the rest of their multiversal defenders slowly filed in, and one by one they fell silent at the army of sentient cacti.

“Huh. Universe seven: world populated entirely by talking western-themed cactuses,” Hawkmoth said, as he jotted down notes in D.I.M.

“Okay, we knew it would get weird, let’s focus up,” Vell said. “Hey, uh, ‘partner’, have there been any foreign invasive entities in your world lately?”

“Absolutely there have been, stranger,” the talking cactus said. “Came through not long before you did, went that-away, looking for a feller named Astrocactus Coxii.”

“Astrocactus Coxii- fuck. Fuck me running,” Vell said. “Did this other intruder look as weird as I did?”

“Well, just about, though I reckon he had a different looking appendage than you got there,” the cactus said.

“God damn it,” Vell said. “Stay here.”

The other bewildered multiversal defenders stayed put as Vell took off running in the direction the cactus had indicated. From there, it wasn’t hard to find who he was looking for. There tended to be a lot of screaming around him. Vell slammed through some dusty saloon doors and came face to face with a diminutive sentient cactus, and one Alistair Kraid.

“Vell,” Kraid said. “Should’ve figured you’d show up to ruin my fun.”

“Kraid,” Vell spat. “Should’ve figured one universe couldn’t contain a bastard like you.”

“See, that’s the problem, it can’t,” Kraid said. “So we get guys like this.”

Kraid grabbed the cactus with his skeletal hand, to mind the spines, and crushed it in his grip. The broken cactus let out a small whimper before Kraid incinerated what remained.

“Astrocactus Coxii. Alistair Kraid. A bit of a stretch, but hey, it’s a cactus dimension, I’ll take what I can get,” Kraid said.

“So you’re the Destroyer,” Vell sighed. “You’ve been rolling through the multiverse killing every possible alternate version of yourself.”

“And sometimes a few innocent bystanders just for funsies,” Kraid said. “But yes. I imagine you see why it’s necessary. If they’re really alternate versions of me, eventually they’d get the same idea, so I have to strike first.”

In spite of the perceived threat, Kraid had been mostly disappointed by his alternate selves. The only one to even put up a half-decent fight was the universe three counterpart, and that one had still been nothing more than a bug, easily crushed underfoot.

“Also it’s just kind of fun to mess with the multiverse,” Kraid said. “I set up this whole thing in universe four, elaborate identity and everything. They’re still looking for the Zodiac Killer.”

Vell sighed and put his guns away. They were useless against Kraid anyway. He kept a hand on them, however, and tightened his grip when he heard something stomping down the stairs.

“Alright, it’s hard to tell since they have no internet in this universe, but I think that was the last potential Kraid,” Helena said. She hit the bottom of the stairs, threw down an address book, and rolled her eyes as soon as she saw Vell. “Come on! I can’t get away from you in another fucking universe?”

“Well, sort of,” Vell said.

“There’s only the one of him, after all,” Kraid said. “Another fun little tidbit I’ve learned in my time trawling existence. Multiple versions of everyone else, but only the one Vell. And, interestingly enough, only the one Helena Marsh.”

Helena raised an eyebrow. Apparently that was news to her.

“And, of course, thanks to recent developments, only one Kraid,” he continued, looking at the ash of his cactus counterpart. “Kind of fun, isn’t it, being a paragon of the multiverse?”

“I didn’t exactly ask for this,” Vell said.

“And you didn’t earn it either,” Helena said. “I’ve been fighting to stay alive when every other version of me died. You just got your life handed to you by a Goddess.”

“Again, did not ask,” Vell said.

“And yet here we are,” Kraid said. “The three of us, unique in every universe. Feels very dramatic, doesn’t it? This little quarrel will never happen again, across time and space and all dimensions.”

“Yeah. Shame I’ll only get to beat you once,” Vell said. Kraid offered nothing but a condescending chuckle in response. “And you.”

Helena pre-emptively rolled her eyes at whatever Vell was about to say.

“You’re unique, yeah,” Vell said. “But if you keep this up, you’re going to be alone too.”

“Does that actually mean anything, or are you just trying to say something cryptic to make me doubt myself?”

“I mean when you’re done with this stupid quest you’re going to be a friendless fucking psychopath that everyone hates, Helena,” Vell said.

“I liked it better when it was cryptic,” Helena mumbled.

“I’ve learned the value of the direct approach,” Vell said. “You’ve betrayed everyone who’s ever felt any sort of affection for you, all for the sake of a lunatic who’d strangle you without a second thought. Even if Kraid helps you get a cure, the life you end up living isn’t going to be worth the cost.”

“Hmm, yes, very typical statement from someone who’s never actually had to fight for their life.”

Vell raised an eyebrow.

“Come on, the time loops don’t count,” Helena said.

Vell did a quick double-take and gestured to Kraid.

“He’s not actively trying to kill you,” Helena said.

“Yet,” Kraid added.

Vell grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it to expose the circular scar around his waist.

“That was one time,” Helena said.

“Of course it was,” Vell said. “Sometimes I don’t know why I bother with you.”

“You don’t bother with me, you just bother me,” Helena scoffed.

“Ugh. When you figure out your shit, I better get one hell of an apology,” Vell said. He flipped the bird to both Kraid and Helena before storming back out of the dusty saloon.

“Very bold usage of ‘when’,” Kraid said. Helena was similarly unimpressed.

Kraid stepped through the ash of his counterpart on his way out the door, leaving a trail of blackened footprints. Helena left no such trail as she walked out and joined Kraid in watching Vell disband his troop of multiversal defenders.

“God, they even recruited the Gloobi’s,” Kraid scoffed. “Pathetic.”

After an apparent debate on trying to fight Kraid anyway—a debate Vell seemed to win—the defenders disbanded. Hawkmoth started opening up portals to send them all home. Helena watched from a distance as the loopers split up to escort everyone back to their own universes. She looked to her left, and saw nothing but an open portal. Kraid had already left, and she was alone.

***

Alex walked into the looper’s lair with the hoop-shaped portal device under her arm. She laid it out on the table, and the loopers waited.

“You’re sure you don’t want to even try stopping Kraid?”

“I’m sure, Alex,” Vell said. “A direct confrontation like that would risk him deciding to kill us all.”

Even with the combined forces of an entire multiverse, Vell doubted they could stop or even slow down Kraid with physical force. So far Kraid was content sticking to a battle of the minds in his feud with Vell, and Vell wanted to keep it that way. Kraid had literal nukes on his side.

“Besides, I think culling alternate Kraid’s isn’t all bad,” Vell said. “The only thing worse than one Kraid would be two.”

“The ideal amount is zero,” Kim said.

“We’ll work on it,” Vell said. “The best thing we can do now is minimize casualties, and I have a plan for that.”

The hoop-shaped portal flared to life, and a giant moth flew through, followed by a massive beetle.

“Vell, thank Bug-God!” Hawkmoth said. “Listen, there’s a-”

“I know, seventh universe, Destroyer, all that,” Vell said.

“Oh. Time loop?”

“Time loop,” Vell said. Since the bugs were from another dimension, and thus unaffected by the time loop, they could endure knowledge of it without the requisite madness. “Turns out the Destroyer is just this asshole from our universe who kills all the alternate versions of himself.”

“Oh. Well, that’s anticlimactic,” Hawkmoth said.

“I wanted to fight some kind of multiversal giant monster,” Heliocopris whined.

“You and me both, buddy,” Samson said.

“Well, we could still fight the guy,” Hawkmoth said.

“No, no, we’re not doing that,” Vell said. “Bad idea.”

“Then what are we doing?”

Vell grabbed the hoop-shaped portal and held it up.

“How many of these do you think we could make?”

***

“Everything attuned?”

“Ready to go,” Helena said. She flipped a switch and powered on a portal. “I still can’t believe you have multiversal technology and you just use it to kill yourself.”

“What else am I supposed to use it for? Every other reality is worse than ours,” Kraid said.

“True enough,” Helena said. “Ready to go.”

The duo stepped through the swirling maelstrom, directly into another swirling maelstrom. The face-to-face portals intercepted their intended trajectory and dumped them into a mass of inky blackness.

“Oh wow, look at you,” the Void said. “You’re all fleshy and fluid-filled.”

Kraid tried to sneer with his mouth closed. Didn’t want to risk any accidental fluids.

“Helena. What happened?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “It seems like someone opened another portal right in front of our portal.”

“Harlan,” Kraid growled. Helena had warned him that Vell might try to interfere. “Doesn’t matter. If this is the best he can do, he’s more pathetic than I thought.”

While the Void pleaded for just a little bot of excretion, Helena prepared another portal, and they went through. This time they landed on something a little more solid. And a little more sticky.

“Hello, Gloobi’s. Welcome to the Gloobi.”

***

Vell sat back with a monitor and watched the feed of travel between universe’s.

“How long do you think we can keep this up?”

“Takes some effort to punt the portals into the right place, so not very long,” Hawkmoth said. “Maybe two hours, tops.”

“Maybe cut it off at one hour,” Vell said. “We don’t want him getting too mad.”

They did want him a little mad, though. Vell thought it was funny.