Chapter 130: Book 2 Chapter 38: Hawke and Roll

“I hope you learned a lesson about knocking, Hawke,” Vell said.

“Harley told me the other day I didn’t have to,” Hawke said, in his own defense. Harley had an open door policy, however, Harley wasn’t always the only one behind her doors. And the people behind her doors weren’t always fully clothed.

“Maybe save it for later in the day,” Vell advised. “Or the second loop. When you’re sure she’s not otherwise occupied.”

“She has a bedroom,” Hawke said. “With a door. But let me guess, the couch was her idea?”

“Nope, that one was his, actually,” Harley said, as she stepped out of the bathroom. She had a robe on, moreso for Hawke’s comfort than her own. “Your turn, Vell. Now, what was so important you had to barge in on us doing the horizontal tango?”

“Uh...Lee wanted to know if you guys want tickets to the end of year concert?”

“Did they get Roxy again?”

“No.”

“Well fuck that, then,” Vell said.

“Oh come on, Vell,” Harley said. “Let’s go hang out and watch some mediocre student band. It’ll be fun.”

“Ugh, I guess if you can get everyone else to- uh, Harley, your hair’s floating,” Vell warned.

“Uh oh. Guess we are overdue for that this year,” Harley said. “Hold your breath, everybody.”

“Why would I-”

The cosmic teleporter surged to life, and in the blink of an eye Harley, Vell, and Hawke were all on another planet. Hawke found out the hard way why he was supposed to hold his breath. The teleportation process snatched the air out of his lungs and left him gasping desperately for breath.

“Ho, oh god, what the fuck was that,” he gasped, as soon as he could speak again.

“We got teleported,” Harley said. “The Rogorian’s Theta Beam teleportation stuff is a bit rough. Doesn’t pull all the air through with you.”

“The Rogorians?”

“Those dudes,” Harley said, pointing to her left. A horde of ankle-high purple aliens waved their large claws in celebration when Harley acknowledged them. Hawke used what little breath he had in his lungs to scream loudly and hide behind Harley.

“Don’t be rude, man,” Harley scolded. “The Rogorians are chill.”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Vell said. “They’re just some little alien guys we have to rescue now and then. Hey guys!”

Vell waved to the diminutive aliens, and they all waved back.

“Greetings, Warrior Vah-Ell! And to you, Warrior Hara-Lee,” the elder Rogorian said. “And to your new companion! Who is this mighty and prodigiously large warrior?”

“Yeah, this our buddy Hawke,” Harley said. Unlike last year, she was not leaning into the spacefaring hero routine, and spoke normally. “He’s cool.”

“All hail the warrior Hawke!”

“Wait, you get his name right?”

“Bring forth the armor! Our champions must face the vile Gor-Doom once more!”

“Oh, I hate this place already,” Hawke whimpered.

“Oh, you’ll be fine,” Harley said. “Honestly, this’ll probably be your favorite apocalypse yet. Depending on how you feel about spandex.”

“About what?”

----------------------------------------

“You know, I did not think this look would work for me, but I’m totally pulling it off,” Hawke said. The form-fitting spandex spacesuit was flattering his broad frame a lot better than he’d expected.

“I know, right. Sometimes I want to get spandex trending back on Earth,” Harley said.

“It’s certainly better when you’re wearing underwear,” Vell said. Last time he’d been brought to this planet, he’d been completely naked at first.

“I can imagine,” Hawke said. He was already getting a wedgie from the skintight spacesuit. “Anyway. You guys have fun fighting the evil emperor guy, I’m going to go hide behind a rock or something.”

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“Nope.”

Harley grabbed Hawke by the shoulder and, much to his surprise, hoisted him over her head with ease. She held Hawke aloft and looked him in the eye.

“This planet is like the easy mode version of being alive,” Harley said. “Everything’s super light and super fragile.”

To emphasize the point, Vell lifted a huge boulder and then chucked it in Harley and Hawke’s direction. Though Hawke screamed with fear, the massive stone broke harmlessly on their bodies, shattering into a cloud of dust without harming either of them. As the dust rained down around him, Hawke slowly stopped screaming and blinked a few times.

“Huh.”

“I’m telling you, man, there’s nothing to worry about,” Harley said. “Everything on this planet is basically made of chalk. Nothing can hurt you here. Here, look, you literally can’t even stub your toe.”

Harley set Hawke down and then demonstrated her point by slamming her foot into a nearby stone. The rock shattered on impact. After staring at the broken stone for a second, Hawke picked up one of the fragments, held it in his hands, and snapped it in two.

“Huh!”

“Yeah, like Harley keeps saying, you’re basically invincible here,” Vell said. “The last time I came to this planet I ripped a tank in half, and I’m not even that strong.”

“A tank?”

“After I got shot in the chest and it bounced right off, yeah,” Vell said.

“Our ‘evil emperor Gor-Doom’ is about three inches tall,” Harley said. “And his fortress is only like ten minutes away, so you better get on board with your own indestructibility fast.”

“I thought the Rogorians said it was a long and perilous journey?”

“Yeah, they’re like, wicked small, bud,” Harley said. “Half a mile is a long and perilous journey for them.”

“And roughly five minutes for us,” Vell said. He stepped on top of one the shoulder-high “mountains” that dotted the landscape and took a look ahead of them. “Oh, look at that, he put up a fence.”

Rather than climbing a mountain to look, Harley jumped, and went about twenty feet up thanks to the planet’s low gravity.

“Well look at that, he did,” Harley said. The dark, roughly chest-high fortress was now surrounded by a fence that stood taller than Vell. “That would almost sort of work except for all the ways that it doesn’t. Like this.”

Harley sprang into action, and sprang over the fence, in a single bound. She landed on the other side of the barrier, forming a crater in the dusty surface where she landed and scattering Emperor Gor-Doom’s troops. Vell made a much more gentle hop over the fence, so as not to squish anyone on accident, but he did swat down a “machine gun” emplacement that was spraying him with tiny pellets.

A brand new and slightly larger tank rolled out of the fortress as Hawke approached the fence. He hooked one finger through the loose chains of the fence and pulled slightly. The slight pressure caused a few feet of the fence to crumple and fall apart. With his curiosity and his courage piqued, Hawke grabbed one of the fence posts and pulled it out of the ground -taking almost the entire fence with it.

“Hah, look at that,” Hawke said. He held the broken section of fence above his head and found it to be light as a feather. “You guys were right, I-”

Hawke turned to try and address his friends, and found himself staring down the barrel of a tank’s cannon instead.

“Oh fuck.”

The shrill scream that followed entirely drowned out the cannon fire, as well as the soft smack of low-density metal against Hawke’s broad chest. It actually took Hawke a second to realize he’d been hit with all the force of a toddler throwing a wiffle ball. He dropped the fence and watched quietly as another round of tank fire bounced harmlessly off his chest.

“I’m...invincible?”

The diminutive crew of the tank figured that the third time was the charm, and fired another round at Hawke’s chest. This time, he reached out and caught the projectile in his bare hands.

“I’m invincible.”

“That’s the spirit, Hawke, cut loose-”

“I’m invincible,” Hawke shouted, as he hurled the tank’s own projectile right back at it. As fragile defensively as it was weak offensively, the tank shattered into a dozen pieces on impact.

“Yeah, like that.”

Hawke then kicked the broken tank so hard it went flying into the mountains -with the crew still inside it.

“Okay, maybe cut a little less loose,” Harley cautioned.

Hawke proceeded to cut even looser by picking up a large boulder and chucking it into the wall’s of the evil emperor’s fortress. Gor-Doom had just been about to launch into an evil monologue, but had to run for cover from the titanic boulder launched his way. He ended up with his signature evil overlord cape pinned in some rubble, leaving him trapped and helpless. Gor-Doom could’ve easily escaped by unpinning the cape, but he was an evil villain with principles.

“I am invincible,” Hawke shouted again, for no apparent reason. He kicked the fortress walls and nearly made the entire structure collapse, even as the Rogorian minions of Gor-Doom still fled from within.

“Hey, Mr. Invincible,” Harley said.

“What?”

Harley gave Hawke a solid slap in the face, just hard enough to remind him he was not, in fact, Mr. Invincible.

“Ow.”

“Yeah. Reel it in, big man.”

“Sorry. But for like ten seconds there I was free from all mortal fragility, and felt no fear.”

“I get it, but like, jump off a mountain or something, don’t punt a tank full of little dudes,” Harley said.

“Oh god. Those guys are super fragile, aren’t they? I probably killed them.”

“You’re good,” Vell shouted, from far off in the mountains. He held aloft a punted tank. “I caught them!”

“And the guys in the fortress?”

“Got them too,” Vell shouted.

“But the fortress is way over here and you’re way over there!”

In about two seconds, Vell was no longer way over there.

“Low gravity,” Vell said. He plucked the Evil Emperor Gor-Doom out of the wreckage and cupped his hands together around the tiny tyrant, to imprison him before he could begin to monologue. The diminutive dictator snipped at Vell from within his grasp, but didn’t have the strength to break free.

“Okay,” Hawke said. “Sorry for going mad with power.”

“Happens to the best of us,” Harley said. “No harm no foul. Come on, let’s get this dude shoved under a metal bowl so we can go back home where your overpowering fear of death keeps you in check.”

Hawke stared at the terrain of the tiny alien planetoid for a few seconds.

“Can I live here instead?”

“No.”