Chapter 22: Never The Best: Chapter 22

The cottage was quiet, save for the occasional chirp of crickets outside and the low hum of the ceiling fan. I was curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, even though the summer heat was thick and suffocating. But I was cold. No surprise there. I had no reserves in my body to maintain my temperature.

I wasn’t sleeping—not really—but I wasn’t awake, either. It was the kind of restless dozing I’d come to know too well in the past few days.

Rhett, Aunt Hattie, and Missy came and left all day every day. I barely noticed. I didn’t know how many days had passed since I relapsed. I had resisted talking to my therapist—which I knew was frustrating my caregivers. But they were also relieved that I ate small bites of food, I don’t know how many times a day, but it felt like whenever I was awake, someone was making me eat or drink a little. I fought my instincts to hide away, and, instead, ate as much as I could. Sometimes, it was only one bite of food. I kept waiting for one of them to get aggravated with me. Instead, all I got was encouragement.

“You’re doing great, darlin’,” Hattie said.

“You ate half a slice of bread. Awesome job.” That was Missy.

“You’re the strongest person I know, and I’m so proud of you.” Rhett said some version of that to me all the time.

I hadn’t touched my phone since I texted Nina and Layla to tell them I needed some time off. I didn’t want to. I was almost afraid to see messages or missed calls from my mother or brother. Or people I knew, people I thought liked me but would now pity me. So, I stayed quiet and burrowed into Rhett whenever he was around. Why he was the one to offer me the comfort that I felt safest with, I didn’t know. I was sure my therapist would have a field day with that when I finally worked up the courage to talk to him. I had canceled my sessions or, rather, had just not shown up. Rhett had assured me he’d taken care of letting my therapist know I was out of commission—his words.

I heard muffled sounds drifting through the windows, and I groaned when I heard my niece Maddie’s voice. I didn’t want Alice or Maddie to see me like this. I’d told Rhett, Aunt Hattie, and Missy that I didn’t want any visitors. I mean, I had enough with them hovering over me already.

I snuggled further into the couch and under my blanket, like a child, hoping that if I couldn’t see them, they wouldn’t be able to see me.

Talk about age regression!

I tried to block them all out by putting the palms of my hands over my ears, but I could still hear them. So, I gave up and just let it go. Eavesdropping felt childish, but everything I was experiencing felt that way—like I wasn’t a mature grown-up any longer.

“I didn’t mean to,” Maddie’s voice trembled, barely audible. “I swear, Aunt Hattie, I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I know, darlin’.”

My ears perked up.

“Are you angry with me, Rhett?” Maddie’s voice was tremulous, and I didn’t like that at all. I wanted to get up, go out, and protect her. But Rhett was there, I told myself, he’d take care of her like I would.

“Like Aunt Hattie said, Maddie, it’s not your fault.” I heard his voice climb up a notch on the sharp barometer. “But you have to be careful about what you say about whom in the future. You really, really have to because words are powerful, and they have consequences.”

“She’s just a child, Rhett,” Hattie interjected, her tone firm but calmer. “She made a mistake.”

“I know I made a mistake!” Maddie’s voice cracked. “But Josie was being awful about Aunt Pearl, talking about her weight, and I just lost it. I was defending Aunt Pearl.”

She sounded like she was crying now, and I closed my eyes tightly. I didn’t have the strength to be there for her when I could barely be there for myself. I felt even more ashamed of myself.

“Shh! It’s okay, Maddie.” I heard Rhett soothe her.

“I told her about Aunt Pearl.” Maddie sounded so sad. “I told her about…about the anorexia. I wanted her to stop making fun of Aunt Pearl. I didn’t think she’d tell anyone, Rhett, I swear. I just wanted her to stop being so mean.”

“How did you even know about this?” Aunt Hattie asked.

There was a long pause, the kind that felt like it stretched across years. My heart thudded painfully in my chest, my hands clenching the blanket tightly as I waited for Maddie’s answer.

“I overheard her talking to you, Aunt Hattie. It was a while back and….”

“Damn it, Maddie,” Rhett sounded weary.

I wanted to rage at him, tell him to stop guilting my niece. It wasn’t her fault her aunt was a frail, fragile basket case, was it?

I pushed up from the couch, ready to go and defend Maddie no matter what. Sure, she made a mistake, but she was only trying to protect me the only way she knew how.

“Can I see Aunt Pearl?” Maddie asked.

I stiffened.

“Sweetheart, I promise the minute she feels better, I’ll make sure you see her,” Rhett soothed. “Now, why don’t you go back to the house? Missy will take care of you.”

“Will you tell Aunt Pearl that I’m sorry?”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Rhett replied. “Now, don’t worry about anything, okay? It’s all good.”

There was silence for a moment, and I heard Rhett growl. “Damn it!”

“She didn’t mean any harm,” Hattie soothed. “She’s a child, Rhett.”

“A child who just blew up Pearl’s life,” Rhett snapped. “Josie humiliated her, Aunt Hattie. She weaponized her trauma. What kind of person does that?”

“You were engaged to her, you tell me,” Aunt Hattie remarked saucily, and my lips curved despite myself.

“I extricated myself from that shitshow, so give me credit for that, will you?”

Aunt Hattie chuckled. “It’s probably because you ended the engagement that Josie went on the attack.”

“Oh God! You’re right. This is my fault.”

“No,” Aunt Hattie said firmly, “not yours, and not Maddie’s. This is Josie’s lack of decency. Who makes fun of someone who almost died because of an eating disorder? A vile and horrible human being does that. You can’t be held responsible for her actions.”

My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes.

“At least now we know how Josie found out. But I can’t tell Pearl, Aunt Hattie, that’ll crush her, that it was Maddie.”

“Does she still think it was you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then, you should tell her and⁠—”

“I’d rather she thought it was me than Maddie.”

At that moment, I felt completely safe with Rhett. He’d carry the blame for something he didn’t do to protect my feelings.

I couldn’t be annoyed with Maddie. She was just a kid. She didn’t understand the ripple effect of her words, the way they’d crack open a wound I’d spent years trying to stitch closed.

That evening, as usual, Rhett fed me a little, this time, it was potato-leek soup. Then he insisted I take a shower—or rather, threatened me to take one or he’d give me one. By the time I went to bed, I was exhausted.

Rhett slept with me, and I accepted it like it was the most natural thing in the world. I didn’t want to be alone like I’d been the last time—and it felt good to have his arms around me, his breath next to mine.

I knew he was being a good friend. I couldn’t imagine he’d want to date someone as fucked up as me. I’d have to be satisfied with just being his friend.

But what about that kiss?

I ignored wanting Rhett because it wasn’t like I could do much about it. I was barely able to brush my teeth most days, so sex was a tall, impossible order.

The nightmares started that night, after I overheard Maddie.

They weren’t coherent—just flashes of images and feelings that tangled and twisted in my mind, until I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.

In the dream, my reflection in the mirror was distorted and monstrous. A plate of food was sitting in front of me, growing larger and larger, until it consumed the entire room. Josie’s cruel and mocking voice echoed endlessly in my head.

You’re not enough. You’ll never be enough.

Fat Pearl.

Can’t even eat to save her life.

“Hey, baby, come back to me. Come on, wake up.” Rhett’s voice pierced through.

I woke up gasping, my body drenched in sweat, my heart racing so fast it felt like it might explode. The room was spinning, my chest heaving as I tried to pull in a breath, but it felt like there was no air left in the world.

Rhett pulled me to him and held me. I resisted, and he let me go.

“I…I need to use the bathroom.”

I stumbled into the dimly lit room, gripping the sink as I leaned over it, my body trembling violently. The face staring back at me in the mirror didn’t look like mine. The dark circles under my eyes, the paleness of my skin, the sharpness of my cheekbones—it felt like I was staring at a stranger.

I was slipping. I knew I was slipping. But I couldn’t stop it.

I didn’t know how long I stood there.

By the time Rhett came up behind me, I was crying again. I was such a weakling.

I washed my hands and let Rhett take me to bed.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked me, my head resting on his chest, his arm around me, holding me like no one ever had before.

I didn’t know what to say, so I kept silent.

“Pearl,” he persisted, his voice filled with worry.

“I had a nightmare,” I finally whispered.

“I gathered. You want to talk about it?” he asked again.

I shook my head, the motion slow and heavy.

“Okay.”

He was so understanding that it unraveled me. I was falling in love with Rhett, my nemesis, my friend…my…it was all too confusing. My stomach twisted with anxiety, and I knew what I had to do, what I had been avoiding.

“I need to talk to my therapist, I think.”

I felt him kiss my hair. “I’m glad to hear that, sweetheart. I’ll make it happen.”

How he knew who my therapist was and how he could make appointments, I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to. I was merely glad that someone else was handling the logistics. The times before, having to do everything myself, meant that my recovery was slower.

“You think Nina is going to fire me for abandoning my job?” I asked as a thought rose in my head. In the past, I’d pushed myself to work, no matter what. This time, I had just fallen apart. And maybe I had, I acknowledged, because there was someone there to catch me. Rhett. Aunt Hattie. Missy. Even my misguided niece, if it had come to that.

“Of course, not.” He looked down and raised my chin so I’d look at him in the dim light of the bedside lamp that he kept turned on all night because it comforted me and took me away from the darkness that was inside. It was like Rhett had quickly figured out how to care for me. It was disconcerting and comforting, all at the same time.

“You sure?” Panic flashed through me. What would I do if I didn’t have a job? How would I pay my bills? Sure, I was fortunate enough not to have to pay rent, but I had other expenses. What about my healthcare?

My breath got short.

“Shh, darlin’,” Rhett mollified, “you’re not getting fired. I talked to Nina and Layla, and they’re happy for you to take the time you need, with full pay.”

My breathing settled. How did he know I was worrying about money?

“They think you’re a stellar employee.”

I snorted.

Some stellar employee I was. I’d just had a nervous breakdown in front of my colleagues by a dumpster, for God’s sake.

“They also love you like family.” He kept stroking my back gently as he spoke. “Many of them call me every day to check on you. I’m thinking of just having a group call with the Savannah Lace team so I don’t have to deal with them one by one. There’s Layla, Nina, Luna, Aurora, Stella, Nova…and even Rachel. Your new colleague, Zahra, actually showed up at Aunt Hattie’s house with a box full of cookies.”

Nausea churned inside me. I didn’t know why, but when I had an episode, I couldn’t eat sugary things.

“Don’t worry, between Missy and Aunt Hattie, there was nothing left. I got a few crumbs.”

I smiled at that.

“And, darlin’, even if you lost your job, you’re so good at what you do, you’ll find one right away. I’ll hire you any day. But I know that Nina will break my legs if I steal you away from Savannah Lace.”

He kept talking slowly, without pushing me to contribute to the conversation. He was making me feel better by telling me I was valued, and it made me feel better. It made me feel loved and cared for, and it made the wounds hurt less.

“So, baby, it’s all goin’ to be okay.”

I wanted to believe him. But I didn’t feel okay. I felt like I was drowning, like every part of me was rebelling against the very thing I knew I needed to survive.

“Rhett.” I gripped his T-shirt. He slept in a shirt and boxer shorts, probably to make me feel comfortable, because I had a feeling he usually slept in the nude.

“Yeah, baby?”

“What if I never get better? Will I…will I die?” It was a fear I had, and voicing it made it somehow less potent, but I also wondered if I sounded like I needed to go to the funny farm.

“No.” The tempo and tone of his voice didn’t change. He didn’t push me. He just kept taking care of me. “You’re going to get better. It just feels like a lot now, but time is a great healer, and you’re going to talk to your therapist. Also, I’m here, Pearl, always.”

“What does that mean?” I whispered, afraid of the answer.

“It means exactly what you think it does,” he replied calmly. “I’m here with you, for you, and when you’re feeling better, we’re going to start dating.”

“You mean if I feel better?” I wanted to kill hope with my words.

He wants to date me even after all this? What’s wrong with him?

“No, I mean when, because you’re already better than you were a day ago, two days ago, a week ago.”

“How come you’re here all the time? Don’t you have to go to work?”

“I took a leave of absence.”

Hope soared, giving me the middle finger. “What?” That was the only word that managed to slip out, considering my shock.

“It’s my company, Pearl. I can take time off, and I am.”

“Why?” I was one hell of a conversationalist; just look at my articulate wit!

“Because you need me, and I need you.” He kissed my forehead. “Now, sleep, darlin’. Everything is going to work out. I promise.”

I believed him.