Chapter 74: Sixty-Eight

I was pulled from my nightmare-filled sleep by a tugging sensation in my chest, a thread deep inside.

I didn't want to leave my bed. The thought made me nearly sick to my stomach. I was meant to leave and go back to spring court with Feyre, Tamlin, and Lucien in a few hours. A fact I dreaded more than anything—I never even had a choice in the matter. Tamlin had approached me when Feyre chose to retreat back to a room. He claimed that when Feyre saw me dead, he had never seen her so distressed. So broken. He said that I was coming back to spring court with them whether I wanted to or not. That Feyre needed her sister, and I was going to be the best one I could.

Spring Court. Dreaded Spring Court. Where I would forever be alone– stuck there while I watched the people I love find their own happiness and I'm just stuck. I didn't deserve happiness, I know that at least. I deserved this suffering. This existence that I would loathe for the rest of my life. Forced to live as the thing I hated. That knowledge was the only thing that anchored me to humanity.

I pulled myself from the bed. The last of my energy was spent on finding where the tugging sensation led me. Though I believed I already had an idea.

I opened the door to the hall, immediately greeted by a flowing breeze that made me shiver. I began walking down, using the instinct inside me as a guide. I came to a stop at a spiral staircase leading up the side of the mountain. The sight alone made me want to crawl back into the room and sleep forever. But I started to climb the stairs anyway.

I had to adjust my body and stop on the steep steps many times to even make it to the large door at the top.

I wasn't used to it. The longer limbs, the sensitive hearing. It felt like I was on overdrive. I was a ghost stuck in my own body— nothing was familiar— my mind, my body, my heart. I was cursed. Cursed to spend the rest of my life in the body of the very species I had been trained to hate more than I do myself.

I had become everything I loathed, and I could barely stop from ripping myself apart just to make my misery end.

As I soon found myself at the top of the staircase, coming to a large balcony that jutted out the side of the mountain.

I hissed at the bright sun that nearly blinded me, I covered my eyes with my arm as I adjusted to the sun. I'd thought it was night— I'd lost all sense of time Under the Mountain. Not that I had much use for it rotting in a dark cell.

Rhysand chuckled softly from where I could vaguely make him outstanding alongside the stone rail. "I forgot it's been a while for you."

My eyes stung from the light and I remained silent for a moment before I slowly, ever so slowly removed my arm from my eyes and looked at the vast expanse of land around me. I hated it.

It was beautiful. Full of mountains and rolling hilltops covered with snow. I could just barely make out a flower field off in the distance. I looked away as quickly as I'd looked up, my eyes immediately meeting with Rhysands.

I took him in finally. His membranous wings peeked out from behind his back. They were beautiful in the light. Creating a shadow on the ground. I had thought they were beautiful under the mountain but looking at them now I could truly appreciate them and their glory. I searched his hands and feet for talons but they were the same.

I briefly wondered what it was like to fly. To breathe the wind and taste the skies. I wondered if he loved it. I knew I had when I'd flown with Azail just that once.

"I was sleeping. What do you want?" The statement had no edge. No threat. I didn't have it in me anymore. I couldn't bring myself to be truly cold towards him after I died. It was odd realizing that it had been his eyes that I'd seen through in death. Knowing that he had been the first one to notice, the first to see if I was alive forced me to be even more confused about the High Lord of the Night.

"Just to say goodbye." He said as a warm breeze ruffled his hair, brushing tendrils of darkness over his shoulders. I couldn't help but think the scene was rather picturesque. "Before your family whisks you away forever."

I didn't want to be whisked away. But I didn't want to fight either. Not anymore.

"Not forever." I said, motioning towards my left arm where a large tattoo glided across my palm to my elbow, "Don't you get a week every month?" still, my words were empty. Nearly void of emotion altogether.

Rhysand smiled slightly, his wings rustling a bit as if he were uncomfortable with the topic, "How could I forget?"

I stared at him, I couldn't help but see him in the same light as hours ago.  "Why?" I asked. He knew what I meant.

Rhys shrugged, "Because when the legends get written, I didn't want to be remembered for standing on the sidelines. I want my future offspring to know I was there, that I helped save the two sisters in the end, even if I couldn't do anything truly useful."

I blinked at him, half surprised he'd answered me.

"Because," he went on, his eyes still attached to mine, "I didn't want you to die alone."

"Thank you," I said sincerely, "For helping me. It was nice to have someone there for once." He had held me up when no one else had. Had let me lean on him for a time before he saved my sister.

He flashed a grin that didn't quite meet his eyes. "I doubt you'll be saying that when I take you to Night Court."

I shrugged, I disagreed. I wanted a change of scenery. To see something else besides flowers, roses, and sunshine when I felt anything but sunny.

I turned towards the view again; the snowy mountains glistening in the sun.

I walked towards the edge of the balcony slowly, Leaning my elbows on the cold metal rails. "Will you be flying home?" I closed my eyes for a moment, forcing myself to feel the sun on my face without wincing.

A soft laugh, "Unfortunately, it would take longer than I can afford. Another day, I'll taste the skies again."

"You never told me you loved the flying." He'd made it seem as though his shapeshifting abilities were just a feature. That his wings were...useless.

He shrugged, "Everything I love always has a tendency to be taken away from me. I tell very few about the wings. Or flying."

There was a bit of silence before I asked so quietly that I barely sounded like myself, "How does it feel to be free?" it was such a raw question for me. To allow Rhysand to see one of my vulnerabilities. After I died, I couldn't help but look back at my life a little. It was then that I realized I'd never tasted freedom. Never know what it felt like to not have a master that forced me to do things. But Rhysand had lived as a free male at some point. He held freedom in his grasp once.

"You tell me." He replied.

I hummed as I looked down, "I have never been free, Rhysand." there have been times when I pretended I was. When I forgot for just a moment the invisible chains that had bound me.  But my harsh reality had always won over. Whether it was The Flame or Amarantha, or Tamlin, I have never known true freedom.

"What do you mean?" He asked as he cocked his head in confusion. He had seen in my head and yet he still didn't know?

I just...gave up then. Gave up my walls. I didn't have the energy to even keep them up anymore. "When I was eight my Mother sold my freedom away to some bad people, Rhysand." I stared off into the mountains in front of me, "I told you that I knew what it was like for people to force you to do things, and I do. When I came to Prythian I thought it may have been a chance at freedom, yet I am still bound by chains, just of a different sort."

"What do you mean?" He questioned, his voice lowering a little. I could have sworn something I could have mistaken as concern laced his voice.

I looked towards him once again, shaking my head, I hoped I conveyed my message well enough. I didn't want to talk about myself anymore.

I sighed, "Answer my question." I tilted my head upwards. Trying to embrace the sun more. A cold breeze flowed by and swept my hair up to the side. I could just barely see Rhysand looking at me from the corner of my eye.

He hummed as he considered and it took him a moment to speak, "I don't know. I've lived without freedom for so long, I forgot what it's like." I pang of sympathy filled me. Maybe we weren't as different as I thought.

I looked at him with a skeptical look before I spoke, "Promise me one thing," I asked.

"What?"

"When you figure it out again, tell me about it. I want to hear."

Rhysand nodded and added, "You will find your own freedom, someday. I swear it."

I gave him a slight smile, "Do not make promises you can't keep, Rhysand." it was then that I realized that Rhysand knew nothing of my past, and yet he had gone into my head, "In my second trial, did you truly—truly see everything?"

Rhysand sighed—not in a disappointing way. It almost sounded...ashamed. "I didn't look at your past, Danika. I only showed it to you. I saw nothing." The relief I felt was overwhelming as I breathed out. Rhysand may be nice right now, but what if he changed? What if he used my fears and shadows against me?

I nodded vacantly as I looked at the mountains in front of me once more. "How does it feel to be High Fae?" he asked.

I sighed a bit, "Different. I spent my whole life hating your kind and when you become one..." I paused, I would have debated how much I should say, but I was tired—I was just so tired. "When you become one it's hard not to hate yourself."

I looked towards him and I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of pain flicker in his eyes before he looked out towards the scenery before us. "I can never go back to what I was. But even then, the only thing that has changed is my body." I added as I breathed the fresh air, "Part of me wishes the rest had changed too."

Rhysand stared at me for a long moment until I faced him, "Be glad of your heart, Danika. Pity those who do not feel anything at all."

I would have chimed in saying that I was one of those people. The monsters. But I couldn't, not now I suppose. I wanted to spend just a moment pretending. So I nodded.

"Well, goodbye for now," he said, rolling his neck as if we had been merely talking about the weather. He bowed at the waist, his wings vanishing, and began to fade into the nest shadow when he went rigid. He stopped in his tracks.

His eyes locked on mine, wide and wild, his nostrils flared. Shock flashed through his features at whatever he saw on my face, and he stumbled back a step. Literally stumbled.

"What's—"

He disappeared into nothing. Not even a shadow left behind to tell me he was ever here at all.

Rhysand was my enemy. I was a fool for thinking otherwise.

I turned back towards the scenery once more. Relishing in this single moment of peace. I didn't think about anything but the wind blowing my hair and the sun shining on my face. I closed my eyes for a moment to just listen— not to assess my surroundings, but to simply listen.

And my last thought before I again walked into the darkness of the mountain was, I wished that just once my dreams would be answered instead of ignored.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A/N: literally crying.