Wren Ridley
There were times where I truly didn't understand anything, not even myself. I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to be totally open and vulnerable with Landon. It didn't make sense, really. Everything I felt toward him had to point to love, so why was it so hard for me to consider that? Why did the thought of love shut me down and make me rethink everything I had ever felt toward him?
Having to confront these feelings made me feel like I didn't even know myself.
Love wasn't for me. It was never something I expected for myself, never something I thought I would want. I couldn't help but think I never wanted this for myself because I thought it couldn't be possible, that no one outside of my family would ever care for me the way Landon did.
I was always a bit of a loner. Any friends I had were really just acquaintances and I had never been in a serious relationship. I always found myself bitter toward people in love, thinking it was useless and fake. I never wanted someone to know me on such a deep level that they even had the capacity to love me.
My feelings for Landon were so large, like they couldn't even fit inside my body, but I always assigned them to something else. It was affection or care or adoration, but never love. I never even thought of love until it was presented to me by him the other night and it made me freeze up. It made me feel insecure and uncertain of what my own feelings actually were.
The worst part of all this was that I couldn't even vocalize any of my feelings to Landon. I was a fraud, a pretender, acting like I was smart and good with my words when in reality I was the opposite. I was emotionally inept and too much of a coward to say anything. Landon didn't deserve that and I didn't deserve for him to love me.
It was the day after Landon broke things off that I was sitting at my desk, typing up the finishing lines of my manuscript that James walked in with a wide smile on his face, clearing having just come from Anthony's place.
"Man, I see it now," James said, going over to his bed and dropping himself into it on his back.
"See what?" I asked, continuing my typing.
"Why you're in a relationship," he replied. "It's great!"
"I take it things are going well with Anthony," I said, ignoring the fact that I was actually not in a relationship anymore. James would find out soon enough if my mood was anything to go by.
"Better than well," James said with a grin, sitting up on his bed to look over at me. His grin fell when he saw me. "Okay, what's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"You look like you haven't slept."
"I haven't."
James was quiet for a moment, trying to figure me out.
I had been up all night working on my manuscript, trying to keep my mind off of what had happened with Landon. The night went on without me realizing the hours were ticking by and eventually the sun had come up. By then I was almost done and there was no use in me stopping my momentum just to get some sleep.
"Okay..." James trailed. "Why didn't you sleep last night?"
"I was busy," I replied. "I'm actually still busy if you could leave me alone."
"Alright." James got up from his bed and walked over to me before nearly closing my laptop shut on my fingers.
"This isn't leaving me alone," I told him with narrowed eyes.
"You're acting weirder than usual right now," he said. "So something is up that you're not telling me. So, what is it? Did Landon dump you again?"
He said it sarcastically, like he didn't actually think that was what was wrong, but then a look of realization crossed his face.
"That is what happened, isn't it?" James asked. "What did you do this time?"
Instead of answering him, I stood up from my chair and walked over to my closet to put on my running clothes. James tried to get my attention, but I had gotten quite good at ignoring him, so I was able to get changed and leave the room without him stopping me. I stopped in the bathroom before heading outside.
The air was cool, but not too frigid. It was slightly warmer than expected going into February, sunny with a slight breeze. People were walking around with just light jackets on, reveling in the sun that was dearly missed during these cold winter months. It would have been fine if I were in the mood for it, but I wasn't. I wished it were cold and gray outside.
I had put my headphones in, but I wasn't listening to anything. There was nothing I would have been able to pay attention to. They just acted as a way to make it so no one would approach me.
My mind was a dark place to be stuck in at the moment and I had no one to blame but myself. Landon was right about me. It seemed as though words always came easy to me except the ones that really mattered. I was a liar and I was scared, but most of all I just avoided any emotions that made me feel uncomfortable or uncertain. That wasn't a sustainable way to live, and it had caught up to me rather harshly.
I zoned out for most of my run. I couldn't remember the path I took from school to get to where I was now. It wasn't until I bumped into someone that I was aware of my surroundings. It just so happened that it was the one someone that definitely did not want to see me at that moment.
Landon didn't even scowl at me or look angry. He looked completely indifferent, like we were strangers.
He was wearing clothes similar to mine. The pants he was wearing actually looked like they were mine. They fit a little tighter than his clothes usually did. The two of us had spent so much time together over winter break that some of our clothes had gotten mixed together in the closet or the dresser. Sometimes we would just pick out clothes and it would end up being the other person's, but it didn't really matter so we just wore it anyway.
There were probably numerous articles of my clothing that were still in Landon's dorm room because I never really fully moved out of there after winter break. I didn't expect to not be going back to his dorm. I expected to still spend some nights there, so there was no use in bringing all my clothes back to my room.
"Landon," I said as we stood and stared at each other for a moment. There was so much else I could, should, say, but all I could say was his name. As if that would make anything better.
He heard me. I saw a little emotion cross his face, but he quickly pulled his face back to an emotionless expression. Clearly, he didn't want me to know how he was feeling. He had gotten better at hiding his emotions from me.
Landon at least looked like he had slept, but he didn't look relaxed. His posture was rigid, his hand clenched by his side.
I went to say his name again, but before I could he turned away from me and continued his run like I wasn't even there. I deserved that.
The next few days went by in a fog. I went to my classes, but I didn't learn anything in them. I started going on my runs in the evening while Landon was likely at practice so we wouldn't run into each other again. He didn't want to see me and I couldn't fault him for that.
This was different than the last time we were separated. This time was completely my fault because I was too much of a coward to divulge my true feelings and tell Landon I loved him when he was laying everything out in front of me. He was the one being vulnerable and I shut him down.
Even having been through this once before, it didn't prepare me to face these feelings again. I felt lost, like no matter what direction I went in, it was the wrong one. I was stuck and hurt, my feelings caging me and preventing me from making any forward progress in my life.
The bright side was that James had been spending a lot of time at Anthony's so I didn't have to deal with him trying to pry into my business.
Later on in the week, I sat down at the coffee shop with my laptop, reworking some things in my novel. It was a risk being here considering Landon could walk in at any moment, but I couldn't help but be a little selfish and hope that he would; that he would walk in and we would lock eyes and somehow I would be able to tell him everything I needed to say and he would forgive me and things would go back to normal. But that was unrealistic. It would never be that easy. The truth of it was that if Landon really did walk in here, the two of us would avoid each other.
I closed the tab of my manuscript and started working on something else. Maybe if I could get everything I wanted to say to Landon typed out, it would be easier to say to him. I could read it over, perfect it, and be able to say the words to his face.
Dear Landon, I-
"So, how is single life treating you?" Anthony asked, standing in front of where I was sitting. He had a smug look on his face. I backspaced what I had written as I looked up at him.
"Spending too much time with James?" I asked.
"He didn't tell me that, Landon did," Anthony replied, sitting down across from me.
It shouldn't have surprised me that Landon had spoken to Anthony. The two of them had formed some kind of friendship. I just hadn't realized how close of a friendship.
"I have no idea what you did this time, but I'm team Landon anyway," Anthony told me with a sardonic smile, his tone almost mocking.
"And I thought we were friends," I sarcastically replied.
Anthony shrugged. "So, what did you do?"
I wanted to come up with some smart response to make Anthony angry and forget about the conversation we were having, but I didn't have it in me. I was tired.
"Shouldn't you be working?" I asked him, shutting my laptop.
"I just clocked out," he said. "You've been here for hours."
I hadn't even noticed the time passing by. I missed one of my classes, but I couldn't find it in me to care.
"Well, then I must get going," I said, signaling I wanted this conversation to end. I packed up my things and stood up from my seat. Anthony was still sitting in the seat across from me, the seat Landon usually occupied.
"Wren, if you have the ability to make things right, then just do it," Anthony said, stopping me before I could walk away. "Stop running away and being all stoic and mysterious. I'm sure it's exhausting for both of you."
With that, I left the coffee shop and went straight back to my dorm. Luckily, James was gone, clearly not with Anthony, but I didn't care enough to find out where he actually was.
My desk was a mess, so I got into bed with a notebook and pen and started writing what I had started earlier. Writing by hand could be helpful. I couldn't just delete my progress; I would have to be faced with all of it. Writing like this was more personal, it dug deeper into the heart.
Dear Landon, I wish my mouth could speak these words because you deserve to hear them, but for now, I must write them down. This way, I cannot hide what I want to say.
I kept writing until I filled up the page.
***
I woke up later on to James and Stella standing over me at the side of my bed. I rubbed my eyes and got a clearer look at the two of them. They were wearing matching serious expressions, both staring at me with their hands on their hips.
"What is wrong with you two?" I asked in a groggy voice, sitting up and stretching my arms above my head.
"What's wrong with you?" Stella asked. "You're sleeping in the middle of the day, your side of the room is messier than James's, you're in a bad mood, something is up."
"Great investigative work there, Stella," I said, to which she narrowed her eyes. Stella leaned forward and flicked my forehead. "Ow."
"Don't be an ass," she said. "Especially when we're just worrying about you. You know, like friends do."
"There's no need."
"That's bullshit," James interjected. "Obviously you're fighting with Landon again. Otherwise, you wouldn't be like this."
"You already have it figured out, so what is the point of all this?" I asked, gesturing to the two of them.
"The point is," Stella started, "you're sad, and as your friends we want to be there for you."
"Yes, I'm sad," I admitted. "But it's not the end of the world nor is it your problem."
"Wren," Stella said, drawing my name out as she hopped up to sit on the edge of my bed. "Of course, it's our problem. You're our friend."
"Though, you don't make it easy," James added with a grin. "You're kinda stuck with us."
I didn't even have it in me to be annoyed at that. James was right; I was stuck with them whether I wanted to be or not.
"Are you going to tell us what happened?" Stella asked.
"Jess didn't tell you?" I replied. The two of them were joined at the hip, and I was sure Landon had told her. She was who he was closest to other than me or his sister.
Stella shook her head. "She just said that you two broke up. She didn't go into details."
"I think Anthony is in on it too," James said, dragging over my desk chair and sitting down. "I tried asking him about it, but he... distracted me."
"We don't need to hear any details," I quickly replied. James was the type to go into way too much detail unprovoked.
James and Stella both looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to tell them what they were both eager to hear. It didn't matter if they knew or not. Nothing would change. Landon would still love me but wish he didn't. He would still try to hate me no matter who knew.
"Landon broke up with me," I told them. They were staring at me intently, waiting for me to continue.
"Well, yeah, we gathered that much," Stella replied. "What happened?"
"He told me he loves me," I said plainly, like saying the words out loud didn't affect me. Only they did. It felt like part of me was being ripped out to say them out loud.
"I'm not seeing the issue," James said after a few moments. "So, he loves you, no idea why, but isn't that a good thing?"
"I didn't say it back," I muttered. I couldn't look at either of them. "I couldn't." It was embarrassing to admit.
They both waited for me to go on.
"He said it when he was drunk and I just freaked out," I continued. "I was avoiding him, avoiding talking about it, and then he confronted me. I told him love wasn't for me. And he left."
"But you do love him," Stella pointed out.
"Well-" I started.
"Don't even try to deny it, Wren," she said, putting her hand up to stop me. "I know you like to lie, but that's just not believable."
"I think," James cut in, pointing his finger at me, "there's a really simple solution to this."
"Oh God," Stella muttered.
"Go tell Landon you love him," James finished.
"Oh, that's actually a good idea," Stella responded with a smile. "I like that idea."
I shook my head. "I can't."
"Why the hell not?" James asked.
I couldn't tell them that I was still too much of a coward to say it, that love still freaked me out and it was still hard for me to accept that someone loved me and that I loved them. It would sound so stupid out loud. It barely made any sense in my head.
I wanted so badly to just be able to get out of my own head, to stop being the way that I was. I always blocked out my emotions, thinking that was the way I wanted to live, but now I couldn't even talk about my feelings out loud. I couldn't talk about them with my friends, my family, with Landon.
Stella seemed to notice my moment of distress and put her hand over mine. I had been gripping my blanket tightly like it would provide me with some sense of relief. She gave me a look of understanding, rubbing her thumb over the top of my hand.
"Let's go," Stella said after a moment, getting up from my bed.
James and I looked at each other, confused.
"Go where?" James asked.
"Um, to dinner?" she said, looking at us like we were idiots. "It's six o'clock and none of us have eaten."
"We're just dropping this conversation?" James asked, standing from my desk chair.
"Yes, let's go," Stella said, tugging on my hand to get me out of bed.
I went with them to dinner and we didn't talk about my failed relationship or my tendency to lie, which honestly made me feel better.
My appetite was smaller and I still felt like a part of me was missing, but I could pretend for an hour that everything was normal.
I could pretend, just for that moment, there wasn't still an ache in my chest reminding me of what I'd lost.
**
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