Chapter Fifty-Nine: "It's Over."
TAYLOR LEFT a few hours after he arrived. Nothing had happened that would make Landon even more mad at me than he already is. He hugged me for a very long time after I admitted what had happened while I was away, and to say he was absolutely livid would be an understatement. Of course he was mad at me for not reporting it, but I couldn't. I would've been in extreme trouble and I'd probably be butchered if I outed anyone.
A lot of my nightmares most nights were flashbacks to the night when everyone was arrested and had the shootout, but a good chunk of my panic attacks from nightmares were from when I was held against my own will by several of the older girls at the Canadian penitentiary.
Remember the sex offender, murderer, drug dealer/illegal street fighter I befriended? Yeah, well when that little rat Marissa ratted me out, they wanted revenge and that meant holding me down and duct taping my mouth shut to prevent me from screaming out pleads of help while two of the guards who broke a lot of prison rules and sent illegal drugs to women inside the prison were taking turns at sexually assaulting me for three hours.
Taylor held me for probably a good hour while I sobbed, the memories failing to stay hidden in the deeper, scarier part of my brain that holds all my traumatic experiences.
So now I lay in bed, at two thirty in the morning, awake and shaken from another nightmare about what that awful group did to me that day, unable to sleep.
I contemplate calling Taylor, but fight against it because he's not mine anymore and decide to try calling Landon again. I've tried calling him three times throughout the night since we hung up, but then I remembered that the time zone was different and he was probably sleeping. However, it may be 2:30 a.m. here, but it's five thirty in Thunder Bay and I know Landon has to be up to do morning chores, since it's Tuesday and his chores to do in the mornings are on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
I decide to call anonymously so he has no choice but to answer. The line rings four times before someone picks up. "Hello?" He asks suspiciously. I hear the rumbling of the hay escalator in the background, and some squealing pigs.
"Hi." I say softly, my voice a whisper.
"Who is this?" He says loudly. "Listen, I can't hear you and I'm kinda busy here. Call later."
"Landon, it's me. Brooklyn." I say a little louder. "Please, I need to talk to you."
"Brooklyn?" He scoffs. "Yeah, like I said, I'm busy. Talk to your ex."
"I already did last night." I say calmly. "I really need to talk to you."
"Why?" He asks, and the machine rumbling suddenly stops.
"Because I need to explain myself. I can't fall back asleep so I need to tell you the truth."
"About what?" He deadpans.
"Taylor and I." I reply. "And us. Us is an important topic. But listen, first?"
"I'm busy, Brooklyn."
"Before my doorbell went off, I was going to tell you about him! I was gonna explain that I read on the plane that he was going to be released sometime during the time I'm in L.A. and wanted you to know in advance."
"So?" He says gruffly.
"Please don't be complicated, Landon." I sigh. "I'm trying to fix this and explain myself but you're not allowing me to and you're being mean about it."
"Mean?" He howls in laughter. "You invited your ex over while you were alone!"
"It was to discuss how things ended!" I exclaim. "I was going to kick him out and for him to come back during the day but he sounded desperate! If someone else had been there too then I wouldn't have even cared the slightest but he's the only one who knows exactly why I was in prison and knew how I felt. He knows I have a boyfriend, Landon. He's not one to take advantage of a taken woman, he didn't roll like that."
"Yeah, sure." He laughs. "That was before you got sent away. Who knows what happened in between then?"
I snarl out in annoyance. I've come to realize that boys are a lot more complicated than women. And that they're bigger babies; because if I was in his shoes, I'd demand to hear the full story. "We ran into each other in the halls at schoolâliterallyâand wanted to talk but I had a class so I told him he could come over later or the next day. There's nothing against that. Nothing happened between us, Landon. I promise."
He's silent for a long time. "Do you want to know how small the world that we live in is, Brooklyn?" He asks suddenly, even though I sense it was a rhetorical question.
No, but I have a guess that you're going to tell me anyway.
"It's so small, that you'd find it frightening." He says lowly, like he's trying to build suspense. However, after his tone, I have a feeling that he has a point and it's going to be crossed very shortly.
And that I probably won't like it.
"And I will find it abso-fucking-lutely hilarious." He snaps the last part. "I already do."
"Landon." I gulp. "What are you talking about?"
"How small this stupid world that we live in is, Brooklyn, is that Annabelle has a cousin that moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in directing. Wanna know how coincidental that is, babe?"
I gulp again, my body starting to shudder in worry. I have another feeling that I'm going to be shocked at what he says.
"How coincidental it is, is that her name is Stacy fucking Collins, goes to your fucking high school, and has a grudge against you! The world is so, so fucking small, Brooklyn, that Miss Collins forwarded a fucking picture to my damn phone of you fucking kissing your stupid supposedly 'ex' boyfriend in the God damn hallways! How fucking ironic is that, huh?"
Whoa, talk about F-bomb, Brooklyn! He's pissed!
My jaw drops. My eyes are wide, stomach clenching in pain, and my heart literally cracking into millions of pieces. Heavy tears are now flowing out of my eyes, and I feel completely drained. I feel like my whole world has fallen right on my face, and the gross sobs coming out of my mouth currently is a pure reason for how hurt I am about this.
I was going to tell him. I was going to tell him as soon as I called him a few minutes ago what had happened because I felt awful about it and it was only once, and then I was going to tell him that I felt more about him than I was expecting.
"IâI. . . I can explain." I gasp out, choking because of how heavy I'm crying and how hard it is to breathe properly. I can feel another panic attack coming, and I can't even brace myself.
He laughs sarcastically. "Yeah, no need. I know what this is, Brooklyn."
"Landon, please! Iâ"
"I don't need your fucking excuses. It's over; we're over."
Before I can plead for him to hear me out, he hangs up.
The phone stays to my ear for a long time before it falls out of my hands and I start sobbing even harderâif that were even possible. My crying gets to the point where I'm gagging and nearly get sick.
The panic attack lasts quite longâan agonizing half hour that felt like four thousand yearsâand I'm left drained and heartbroken. I didn't love Landon, I don't and I already know that, but to just put me on the spot like that and hurt me so easily without even a little hint of guilt in his voice, makes me know how he truly felt about me, and how he actually is on the inside as a lover.
He's hot-headed, doesn't allow room for argument in a fight, and is clearly disrespectful now. He never once gave me a chance to explain myself, and put me immediately on the spot of accusation that I cheated. Yeah, if we're being technical, kissing is considered a cheat, but like I explained to Justin and Casey: I didn't plan on it, and I didn't want to kiss him to begin with. I didn't have the urge, there was no sexual tension even though we have a somewhat-sexual history, and I felt nothing when I saw him.
Now, however, after last night, I have a feeling that everything that was once hidden behind my deep shadows where I kept all memories of him and everything related to him, had sunlight shine on it finally and brought those feelings back, which is bad news for me.
If Landon doesn't want me, fine. I'll still like him very very much irregardless if he and I aren't together anymore. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be all shy again once I return to Canada. I'll be who I was before, except I'll be hanging out with myself only. I'll finish the semester and if I've improved with my therapy and education and have everything like it used to be prior to Taylor, then I can move back home and never see the McGibbon's ever again.
Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll work my ass off twenty-four seven, improving my grades, doing my chores, pouring my heart out to Dr. Boise to get out sooner, and force myself to become happier. I know I have my friends to help me out along the way, and I'm almost certain that Taylor will be there with me if I needed his help.
If he hasn't changed, I may even be able to go back to normal with himâminus the illegal stuff. I think we both learned our lesson; me especially. We could possibly be together, Canada's experiences will be forgotten, and I can move on like I hadn't even left.
A new determination rushes through me like a storm, and this time, nothing is going to be getting in my way. Fuck boys, fuck prison, fuck feelings, fuck everyone.
***
It's Saturday. Exactly two weeks I've been here. I've been in hiding in my room for days now, a new-found confidence in my veins that I won't let anyone interrupt. The gang has been over, and even Taylor has as well. He's a regular in our group again, and the guys seem happy he's here since they know how happy he made me, irregardless of how the outcome had been.
I haven't talked to any of the McGibbon's since Landon dumped me, and honestly, I'm surprising myself when I say I don't give an absolute shit. I thought I cared deeply for him, but maybe it was puppy love? Lord, who knows, but I don't care. I'm over it. It was a short relationship too; not one that's going to be mentioned in my ex-boyfriends list, and one that definitely doesn't even deserve to be called a 'fling.'
My moods are still over the roof, and given that there are now very strong desires stirring deep in my stomach, I've been avoiding them at all costs because the outcome will be one that I cannot just forget.
As for school, I haven't been going there, either. Truth be told, if I go there, I'm probably going to beat the shit out of Stacey. She had no right butting into my love life, and had I done it, Landon would probably ignore me for a while instead of dumping me. However, he should've known that somewhere, I'd still have those feelings for Taylor and that if he was still the same boy I met all those years ago, then yeah, the feelings will probably resurface again. So what? Love is love, and there's always that one love you'll love forever. You may not want to be with them and actually feel nothing towards them, but the love will still always be there and your significant other is just gonna have to suck it up and fucking deal with it because life is a bitch and so is love.
"So when do I get to meet Sabrina?" I ask Justin.
"It's Selena," he corrects with a chuckle and eye roll, "but I don't know. We're going out later tonight, you can join us if you want."
He and I are sitting on my bed, binge-watching Netflix. He's been over everyday to check up on me. I called him in the morning on Tuesday when I woke up to tell him that I wasn't going to school. He found it suspicious so he came and I guess I smelt and looked like death or something because he skipped the day and demanded to know what happened. So, instead of hiding my feud with Landon, I needed to tell him. He was more mad than he was when I told him about our argument last time. I told him I was over it, even though deep, deep down, I'm still bothered by it. He could have put it nicely so when I returned things wouldn't be so tense, awkward, and bad, but no. Instead he chooses the easy way out; which is yelling the ending of the relationship under extremely rough terms.
"I don't wanna third-wheel." I say honestly.
"You won't." He laughs. "Invite someone. Invite Taylor."
"I don't know if that's such a good idea." I tell him.
"Do you think this is his fault?" He asks me, and I shake my head. Though deep down, I do blame him. If he didn't show up, then I'd still be with Landon.
But Justin doesn't need to know that.
"What? No. Not at all. Nothing was his fault."
"He kissed you, though."
"I'm just as guilty for it than he is. Neither of us are innocent, and frankly, I'm glad things happened the way the did, otherwise Landon could have reacted like that when I was actually physically around."
"He's lucky he's a country away," he growls. "I really wanna fuck his face up."
"I really wanna fuck Stacey's face up," I state, "but I won't and I can't, otherwise I'll never be back here anytime soon."
"When does your probation end?" He asks, changing the topic slightly.
"End of junior year." I reply. "Seven more months until I can come back here."
"At least you got out early," he points out, trying to lighten the mood. "And that your probation period isn't that long as expected. Think about it; you could still be in that cold cell right now, not getting out until after New Years in 2019."
I shrug. "That's true, I guess." Then sigh. "At least at that prison I was treated better than the one in Ontario."
"Yeah," he sighs. "But honestly, you can join us. It won't be a problem. Sel's been bugging about meeting you since you got here." He chuckles afterwards.
"I just hope she likes me." I chortle.
"She will," he assures me, "she'd be an idiot not to."
I laugh wholeheartedly. "And what if she's an idiot after all?"
"You said it." He shrugs. "Can't please everyone, babe. That's life."
"Never heard anything truer in my whole life." I scoff. I lift my head up off his lap and reach across to grab my phone, pulling up my messages app and shooting a text to Taylor.
[ME: date tonight?]
"Whatcha doin'?" Justin asks, ducking his head to peek at my screen.
"Texting Taylor." I respond with a sad smile. I guess if we're trying to lighten up my heartbreak, my ex is the way to go.
"So is that a yes to tonight?" He asks, and I look up to see him smirking.
"I'll let you know once he replies." I wink.
My phone buzzes, and I pull my head down to see that he answered.
[TAY: depends what you have in mind;)]
[ME: double date with Justin and his new girl sound appealing enough?]
[TAY: yeah, sure. Count me in, darling]
I look up at Justin, a smile on my face.
"I take it that's a yes?" He smirks.
I bite my lip, nodding excitedly. "It's a date."