Exhausted, I managed to change into a dress shirt and light material shorts, pack my hair in a high bun and lay on my bed, staring at the luxurious ceiling that is made of pop and gypsum.
Things could go south and how exactly could I handle it? God knows I am not brave enough to face that moment when it comes, but I have to admit, Evie was right, to maintain what I want, I have to fight for it, only how can I start? Is not like mom is an understanding mother that would hug me and tell me she's glad I found my happiness or Christian was the kind of man who wouldn't exaggerated it and let me stay in his house even when I was having his son. Likely, maybe even definitely, I will be homeless and motherlesss.
As much as I hate some certain people in this family, they're all I have. I can't imagine been thrown out and not able to see them again.
I was lost in agonizing thoughts that I didn't notice I have a company just as I didn't notice the frown that etched into my face until Leigh concerned voice came up in a whisper, snapping me out of the torturing trance.
"You look sad. is something wrong?" He asked so softly.
I jerk my head in the direction of the voice, my elbows supporting me to sit up upon the bed. He dropped beside me, one leg folded on the bed while the other is left off the bed.
The melancholy keeps heightening at the view of this gorgeous man that I so badly want to claim as mine, everywhere, no matter what, but the chicken side in me was too dominant, it lay me back everytime my courageous side thought I can deal with the storm that was ahead of us.
I knew what I was getting in all those days I laid on my bed praying to God to bring Leigh back to me, I knew what I got myself into when I lead him to the mountain, so I can choke out his love for me if need be.
But this place we are right now is too small for us, God knows I am beginning to silently go crazy.
"No." I finally answered for his brows furrowed and the frown he had deepened even more at my mute expression.
Those strong hands wrap around my hips, guiding me over to him until I was balled up on his lap, where asylum and promise was accentuated than all the positions I've ever been. Having this closest again after a year of loneliness, there is nothing more I can possibly ask. There is nothing I wouldn't do to defend this.
I looped my arm around the back of his neck, twirling the long strands of his hair around my finger, and smiled small.
"Are you sure?" He nodded. I wonder if his restless gaze could tell the overstrung emotion I've covered with a nervous smile. "Hey, I don't want you keeping anything from me. Because if I hurt you without my consent I wouldn't like you to hesitate letting me know." Leigh's fingers came to my face, tenderly stroking cheeks when our eyes lock. "I know I made mistakes, but I am willing to do better for you. I am trying to fix everything, I just need time, please."
The promise and desperation in his words was like finally sighting light at the end of the tunnel.
I shift in his lap so I can face him fully, raking my hands through his thick curls, when I offered him a sincere a smile, hoping it wiped any fleck of worry off his flawless face.
"No, that's not it. You did nothing." I certify.
Albeit this issue involves him, it concerned the both of us, and to be fair, no one is taking the blame. We had found ourselves in a perilous journey; we wanted to go further, wishing it would be a relief when truly it was dark and scary and carried unpredictable consequences.
"Then what is it?" He whispered.
"I don't want to lose you." I swallowed hard, and looked heavenward to prevent the sudden tears at the thought of losing him from falling. "I missed you so much, it was more than painful, it tortured me every day. And what hurt more was I had no one to talk to; I had to live with it alone and wake up in the morning expected to smile like I was okay. Like I wasn't smothering inside." Through my shaky statement, premature tears had escaped and slid down my flushed face.
Leigh appears hurt. He looks into my defenceless eyes with a deep cognitive gaze while he wraps one hand around my tiny waist, pressing his body against mine; his other free hand move from my cheeks through my hair and remain there when in a thick voice filled with emotions, he says, "Don't cry. It's okay, baby."
I was hyper-aware of him, I have always been. He will soothe me with just his smile that shines through brighter than the sun in an unclouded day, and make me see the world differently with just a subtle touch of his fingerstips.
Right now, with his scent that had numbed me, I didn't care I no longer have my guards up; I just needed this young man with admirable green eyes, so lucid I can see the pains I had caused in then and the desperation to take away my hurting. He's all I want, I know that because I've been on my own for a long while and I most certainly know I am nothing without him.
"I don't want to go through that again." I shook my head in his hand and he lean in, our heads touching and promised. "This time I am not letting you slip from me."
"Leigh how sure are you of that? What if..." I began but was interrupted with a brief kiss on my wet lips, suddenly my hormones went full force activated, and my heart beat out of my chest.
Only him could make me feel alive and that's a fact. The universe, which had hitherto been chaos and meaningless, is sharp to turned serene whenever he was around. That when he kissed me, I meltdown to liquid the instant.
"Don't finish that." He protested against my parted lips, which suddenly became my breathing source. "There are no what-ifs in our connection. I am optimistic about positive prospects. I will not lose you again. I will not go to bed anymore having grief of us apart. This is for eternity, Ava." He adds with desperation and emphasis, his both hands cup my heated face, I bit my trembling lip at his soft touch. "What I feel for you is endless, I know that now, I know I can't live without you. It's just the fact."
It is in the this moment I feel relaxed, my eyes pinched closed and I pull him into a deep breathless kiss, mumbling; "Thank you for returning." and he retorted "I had to." while our tongue eagerly moves together, and our breath was matching, I straddle his torso, my hands around his broad shoulders supporting me when I dominate.
He was evidently enjoying it, says the groan that rumble out from his throat and brought along excitement for both of us.
The light material of his black joggers effortless submits his expanded package beneath the surface, I moan his name anytime my core grinds against him and he would breathe noisily in the crook of my neck, kissing sensual, my eyes roll back in pleasure.
Surprisingly, he wasn't stopping me; if anything, his hands were slipped into my shorts and dug into my hip and bottom, it elicited a painful pleasure, at anticipation of his fingers going further to were it aches for him. I was beginning to drench my shorts with my juice while he assisted me humping him.
I moan carelessly, pushing the little reasonable voice in me that reminds me of quiet and the risks that could be through the walls. But nothing matters, I was finally figuring out what my body had always needs around Leigh ever since I know him.
It's so intimate. It is the closest to sex I've ever had.
Back in my old boarding school I was reminded of the punishment of a sinner everyday and the teachers has always mention sexual activities among sinful selfish actions, as far as you're no married and blah blah.
Not that anything had ever tempted me to get myself off (something Lilith will say hinting at masturbation), but I wasn't even curious to explore myself like the other girls despite everyday's lessons.
I remember my roommate, Chloe, she will moan and groan under her comforter almost every night and instead, leaves me only hoping she doesn't touch my things the next morning.
There was nothing and no one that made me feel the fire and hunger I felt around Leigh. And when he left, I had no idea what my body wants because the moment he departed last summer, he didn't left behind even a tinge of spark that he had gave me my first year in America, and there was no one that gave rise to goosebumps prickling my skin, and leaves me breathless as he does, there was no one worth my first experience, until him.
Back to the present, I just realised I had lost my t-shirt while through my boarding school thoughts. Why was I even thinking about my past failed sexual interest at this moment again? It was then I also recognised the man beneath me was shirtless, and every perfectly etched muscles was tauten as his chest rises and falls rapidly; his eyes were close and he was panting through his part lips, whispering my name every now and then as though he was pleading for me not to stop.
I was sitting upright over him, still rocking my hips against him, his hand were moving around the bare skin my stomach, holding my waist sometimes or slipping under my shorts to grip my arse. It was pure bliss, my body was responding to his every touch, to the flawless slight of him, laying underneath me with his eyes closed and desire compressed in every muscle of this body.
My high bun had long loosen and my hair was now tumbling around my shoulders, and when I arch my back at the pinch of ecstasy forming mercilessly in my core, my head falls back while I moan his name. Tension was raised in my lower stomach, and my whole body was literally on fire, i've never felt this energy, it was like I took some crazy drug and I can't stop working.
Our skins were damp with sweat at the activity, It was then Leigh strong hand slide into my sport bra, in-between my breast and up to my neck. I couldn't help the cry that let out my throat, my body arches and when he lift up and nip my hardened nipple between his teeth.
God! So there was more to life?
"Fuck, I love you, Ava." He breathes, tracing kisses along my feverish chest.
"I-I love you more. Don't protest." I said ruffling his curls wildly before attacking our lips again.
Then the door opens, it literally swings open, yanking the colour out of us.
I've never thought fear would hurt this awful, but something thrust into my heart and the painful punctuating sensation it came with could never get any worst.
I froze straddling my stepbrother. I should be attempting to save us; I should make a move for my t-shirt and get off of him. I should try to skip what was next for both of us, but my body wouldn't function.
Fear, it was so deep and shadowy, there was no one I could rescue myself from it.
We are exposed.
"What?" Never in a million years did I ever imagine finding relief from the sweet voice that had only provoked jealousy in me.
Yes it was Claire, of course. And her mouth was hanging wide open at the scene before her.
The solace that washed through me couldn't be less than of a lucky man who crossed an erupting volcano.
Leigh close his eyes and run his hand through his hair. I bet he just found relief too, I can feel my pulse racing, but it could be from anything since it had been since through our good moment.
"You were supposed to call her for dinner not have her humping you, Leigh." She rushes angrily. "It was your sister who could be opening this door if I hadn't lied and taken the responsibility." She huffs while I get off Leigh to the other side of the bed. And boy, did I leave a mess.
Leigh trouser was soaking with my juice, and suddenly, I felt like disappearing into the bed.
My eyes stare at the mess that was mine all over him and his evident insane erection in horror; he was still hard.
I did that.
I might be inexperience but at least I was able to turn him on.
Thinking about that got me flushed, but even worst when my eyes glance up to Leigh, who's smirking at me so damn attractive I almost come in my panties.
Biting my bottom lip between my teeth my eyes found Princeton Claire, who looks horrified and corpse white at the picture in front of her.
Yes I know. I've never felt so embarrassed in my life.
Can my life ever gets better? Leigh had finally loosen up and let go even though, it wasn't basically sex, but it was phenomenal.
But even my first time having something physically intimate falls flat. It is clear I don't own my freedom. I couldn't have that private memory between myself and the person I shared the moment with. Instead, I am punished and I couldn't even reach my climax and solve whatever that is that got my core clenching and releasing too much of juice over my shorts and Leigh joggers.
I must be cursed, either by the universe itself or those teachers from my boarding school who had warned me several times to stay away from sinning. If only they knew how much of a sinner I had become within two years.
Well, at least Princeton Claire can now call me a thirsty slut.
Congratulations Ava.
"Please just go and change." She exhaustedly demanded with hardened brows and, stubbornly not leaving the room until Leigh got up and leaves a surprise soft kiss on my forehead and lips, smiling dashing he followed behind her.
While I waited a whole minutes to processed everything that's happened in the past twenty minutes.
And when it down, I fall back into my bed, giggling like the idiot teenage I am while typing a quick message to Evie.
Ava: When I say I love him, I bloody love him through south and north, east and west, heavens and below. He is the only one for me.
I know that, because if the phrase "follow you heart" truly works, thus I am making the right decision.