Yuvaani
I switched off my side of the table lamp and with a heavy heart I tried to sleep. Sleep was far away from my eyes for an obvious reason. I learnt one thing for sure today. Whatever I do, it won't count. Even if I bleed myself to death, it won't count. My heart literally sank in my stomach when I heard that old lady's words for me. She freaking accused me for something I never did, and I never will. Hurting one year olds? Not even a question! I will die a thousand deaths the second I even thought to hurt them. And which mother on the earth hurts her own children? I protect them from everything, and she just accused me to hurt-
A sob left my lips and I felt him moving. He was also on the same bed, but I
knew he wasn't sleeping either. It has been a few minutes since he stepped on the bed to sleep. He called my name again and again but I didn't want to talk to him. Not just with him, but with anyone else. I just want to be alone. I want to dwell my sadness in the dark.
A few tears escaped my eyes thinking of the humiliation I faced about an hour ago. How dare she say I'll use them when they grow up? I would never do that. If I wanted to hurt the babies then why would I have been through the lactation implantation? It would be easy for me to not care about them if I was that evil right? Rage grew in my veins and my blood boiled thinking of her words. You can tell me if I'm wrong. But you can't fucking accuse me of something I never did. I won't stand that.
I hated how my anger was turning in tears, knowing there was no one to wipe them, again. It has always been that way. No one by my side. Stupid of me to think that the scenerio would change after marriage. I mentally marked a sarcastic laugh to even think like that. It would never happen.
Her mother just contradicted my mentality that things are getting better with time. She indirectly made me realise that I'm his second wife, and I'll always be. I can never be someone's first. I think she can't stand the fact that step moms can be good too. And the hell she always keeps me comapring with her daughter? I never even thought of comapring myself with her. Because I always knew, she was Aarush's love and she always will be.
My husband's love.
I feel pity on myself. Why am I even in his life when he still loves her? Where do I stand in your life, Aarush?
Do I even stand in your life?
I left a sarcastic laugh and closed my eyes in satisfaction as I got a few reality checks today. Tomorrow will be better. This was my last thought of the day.
When I got up there was no one by my side. I opened my eyes fully, and let them adjust to the daylight. My eyes felt heavy! I got up straight and placed my feet on the ground but I was still on the bed, in daze. I placed my elbows on my knees and face palmed myself.
"Hey" I heard out of nowhere. I looked up to see where his voice was coming from, but he was just next to me. I didn't bother to reply to him.
"Yuvaani" I heard him again, but this time he was sitting on his knees, clipping both his arms on either side of the bed. I forcefully met my eyes with his, because I don't want to talk with anyone right now. His eyes were concerned.
Concerned for me?
But by looking at his face, it all recalled the last night very freshly. A wave of uneasiness crept in my body and I felt rage all of a sudden. Even though I know Aarush wasn't at fault in this, but directly or indirectly he was connected to this.
"Talk to me please, your silence- I don't know what to do" he said genuinely, it reflected in his voice.
"I don't want to talk to anyone" I said being annoyed. I forcefully moved his arm from the bed and walked to the cribs. I found them empty.
"They went to the garden along with Maa and Papa" I heard him say.
"Please talk to me, I'm sorry for what you heard last night"
And I lost it. I can deal with my heart breaks and sadness with ease, but I can't deal with my anger.
"Talk to you? What's left to talk about, Aarush? Is there something left? Yeah, giving up my life maybe" I spat bitterly.
"YUVAANI!"
"What Yuvaani? Hm? What-" I angrilly went to him and I closed my fists to calm me down. So that I shouldn't do anything wrong.
"Tell me. Talk to me, we'll sort this out too" I felt him saying. HIs voice held concern but I was too angry to notice it.
"IT'S NOT MEANT TO SORT! IT CAN'T SORT. WHAT WILL YOU SORT? MY HEART? MY LIFE? WHAT THE FUCK WILL YOU SORT?" I held his collar and asked him with rage. I could see he was taken aback seeing this side of mine.
"I'm just so sick of your rejections Aarush, I'm literally sick of everything." I lowered my pitch seeing his reaction.
I couldn't hold it back any longer.
"My parents say ki pati, baccho ko sambhalo, ghar sansar sahi se karo, sab theek hoga. Your family gave me your late wife's saree. Jo indirectly maine jhela, Aarush. In the very start my husband makes it clear not to expect anything from this marriage. He fucking rubs the fact every now and then on my face that he loves his late wife, he can't love me. What about me?"
"WHAT ABOUT ME?? WHERE AM I IN THIS?" I sobbed hard but his gaze clinged on my face with a look of hurt.
"It was always you, your family. I-I-I just don't belong here- I'm just called a 'second wife' accusingly as if it's a crime being that. People accuse me of hurting our kids- oh sorry! They were never mine, right? Everything is just yours. Mai kitna bhi kuch karlu na, my efforts doesn't count. But galti se mere se ek halki si galti ho jaaye, log usko highlight karke mere maathe pe uska tag laga dete hai!"
He stepped closer and gestured to me to come in his arms but I took a step back, instead.
"And you? What YOU did? You didn't help me either. You too scolded me many times, many times that even wasn't my fault!" I fell down as my knees felt weak.
"You broke my dreams Aarush. You really did. I just expected you to be a good husband. And aapne pehle hi clear kar diya tha not to expect something from you like that. You even doubted my friend Sanskar!! Jiski koi galti bhi nhi thi. You accused him of loving me. Are you fucking serious Aarush? We're just friends!! Koi aur mujhe dekhe woh bhi aapko gawara nahi hai, aur aap khud bhi mujhe nahi dekhte. A 29 year unmarried girl- what will she expect? Yehi na, ki uska pati bhi usse pyaar kare. She too wants to be someone's first, but see what a fucking luck my fate has! I can never be someone's first."
He came to me and took me in his tight embrace. I leaned against that warmth but my tears weren't stopping anytime soon.
"Mai kya thi, kya hogyi hu, kya banna chahati thi, aur kya bana diya hai aap logo ne mujhe? Including my parents. You knew I was selfless, that's why you used me for your kids haina? For your family? Right?"
He separated himself from me and looked at me in disbelief "What? Are you out of your mind? The very first day you stepped in this house as a bride, I told you not to do anything for us. I told you that I'll take care of Priyanh and Pihu. And I mentioned that you should continue your job too, when I got to know that you left it. Aur Yuvaani, maine kabhi tumhara fayda nahi uthaya, kisi bhi cheez mein. What I did, or what I am doing for you, is genuine. It's because I care for you '' Aarush said.
And I realised I said something I didn't mean. I again regretted the same. My emotional turmoil took over me and it wasn't easy for me to calm down. As I was saying, his gaze held the guilt. And I myself felt guilty to hurt him that way.
"It is ver-very difficult for me to breathe Aa- I can't stand here now. I-I dont deserve to be here- jaha sab mujhe bas sunate rehte hai- even if I am not wrong! Mai jo bhi karu woh galat hi hota hai! Aap nahi samaj paaoge! My heart sinks every fucking time-" I bit my lips in frustration and anger and was saying him things that I felt all the time I was with him.
"I never wanted to be Priya! Still I'm getting compared to her why? Why on the earth will I even think to replace her? Why am I accused of being a witch to your children? Aren't they mine kids as well? HOW CAN I EVEN THINK OF HURTING THEM? Ca-can't you see? M-my he-heart hurts! It- just-"
I felt his palm on my hair, caressing it. Soon he scooped closer and he hugged me again. "I- just can't take it anymore, Aarush- I'm not strong enough to be your second wife. It hurts when you know your husband can't love you- The only thing I was looking for in this marriage was lo- It can't happen now! I know! Y-you know, I n-never dated anyone just because- I want to be first for my husband" A new set of tears rolled down my face but this time, he wiped them.
"I just wanted my husband to love me. Rest everything we would manage-"
"Yuva-"
"I know, I know. But Aarush, IT FUCKING HURTS TO SEE YOU'RE NOT RECIPROCATING MY EFFORTS. Aap kitna bhi kuch bol dein, par mujhse aise hi yeh sab nahi hoga. I get my feelings involved, even though I'm your namesake second wife. Whatever I did for you, for this family was all from the heart. I consider you as my husband. Not because I carry your name, but in all senses. Maine aapko mera husband maana, Aarush. Ek aisa shaks jo shayad mere sath apni zindagi beetaye. Par pata hai, dukh kis chiz ka hota hai? Yeh jaankar ki aapne yehi saare waadein kisi aur ke sath kiye hue hai, kisi aur ke sath aapne zindagi bitane ka socha hai. Kisi aur ke sath jeene marne ki kasmein khai hai, kisi aur se pyaar kiya hai. Aur woh 'koi aur' mai nahi hu. It hurts- to see your husband crave for someone else, in front of you. Then whether you're the first wife or second, the pain is the same."
I saw a tear rolling down his cheek. I just looked in his eyes to find something, but I can't pinpoint it. I touched his cheek to wipe his tears and he closed his eyes when I was wiping his tears. I knew it would hurt him, but still I wanna tell him, so that he should know.
"I don't want to say that you're wrong. You are right at your place. Agar mujhse mere pyaar cheena jata toh main bhi jaldhi move on nahi kar paati. Par kaash aap mujhe aur iss rishte ko chance dete, Aarush. I know aap unse pyaar karte hai- but I don't know-"
"You have feelings for me?" He asked. His voice cracked by the end. I know he knew by now and he's asking for assurance.
"Kuch baatein aap naa hi jaanein toh behetar hai '' I uttered.
We heard a doorbell and he got up, wiped his face with his palm and vanished from my eyesight to open the door. Whereas I went to the bathroom to complete my morning routine. Soon I was donw with it and got in the hallway, making my way towards the kitchen.
"Vaani, tumhare liye nashta laga diya hai table par beta" I heard my mother in law say.
"Ji" I uttered in a low voice.
"Yaha dekho" she held my chin lightly and made me look at her. "Why are your eyes so red?" she asked.
"Maa woh- I didn't get enough sleep na, yesterday I slept late"
"Yeah, last night was overloaded, but for breakfast I kept it on the table" she added, to which I nodded. I drank water and went to the table to have my breakfast. I glanced at him but I knew he was pretending to play with the kids.
I sat on the chair and took a bite of shabudana in my mouth and I felt like vomiting. "Is it good?" Maa asked me sitting next to me. "Yeah" I fake smiled and added one more bite to my mouth.
And that was it. I rushed to the bathroom and I threw up. My throat burnt and itched at the same time. It took me a few more minutes to even walk properly. Still holding walls and little supports, I went to the living room.
"Aar-" I couldn't speak but I succeeded in gaining his attention. But before I could reach him, I fell on the ground.
"Yuvaani?" I saw him running towards me.
"What happened? Why are you all red? These rashes- my god! We're going to the doctor." his words rushed in the sentence, I couldn't hear them clearly. But he panicked.
"Do you have any allergy?" he asked me but before I could reply he and the surroundings all looked black!