Yuvaani
I smiled at him as he thanked me. A thick silence fell between us. A gentle cool breeze touched my face giving me a sense of peace.
"But.." I turned to him as I heard him. His lips twitched a bit, giving me a hint of him being hesitant. I stood silent asking him to continue by raising my eyebrows.
"You don't have to really do anything for us. You don't need to sacrifice anything. I mentioned this before. I ain't saying this in a bad way, but in a good way" he added. His voice held concern.
"I ain't sacrificing anything" I simply said. His eyes met mine and lingered on my face a bit. Whenever he looks at me, an unknown sensational spark evacuates within my body, but I don't really know what it is.
But I've noticed the thing that whenever I see him as my 'husband' this spark generates. It didn't happened when we met before marriage or anything.
"We both know you're lying. I really don't want to bring my life stuff between you and your things. You can continue living the way you lived. You don't have to change anything. And I mean that"
I simply nodded.
"I'll forever be grateful to you for marring me. For my kids. Knowing the fact that I can't ever love you. Thank you, Yuvaani" he remarked.
Will he always bring the fact again and again that I married him despite knowing he loved her. It somehow chafed my heart. I know the very fact. But I'm trying to live by it. He don't need to bring that things again and again !
"Don't thank me, thank my father then" I said and came to the bedroom. I didn't had the heart to talk to him any further. I don't know why.
It's something else. I don't have any issues or questions with his ex-wife. But he don't need to mention the fact that I won't ever recieve my husband's love.
He came behind me and slided the Balcony door. He took the pillow and was moving somewhere I can't assume !
"Wait, where are you-?" I asked.
"To sleep"
"So bed is here na !" I remarked pointing towards the bed.
"Are you serious ? How can we share the bed ?"
"It's a double bed. Even four people can adjust on it swiftly. And we are just two, we have enough space"
"But I don't want to" he retorted quickly without any second thought, but it came out rough.
It's not I'm dying to share with him. What about his kids ? What if they need him at night ? I just want to normalise things. But he didn't want to, it somewhere hurt my self respect as he must be thinking that I'm desperate.
"This is your house. I came today and I'm no one to snatch your comfort and kick you out of your own bed. And as far as sharing was concerned, I said so as your kids might need you in the middle of the night" I confirmed and got out of the room.
I was hurt. But I didn't want to describe it. I went to the living room and sat there thinking about other stuff that could distract me.
____
"Yuvaani ?" I felt a little shake on my shoulder. I leisurely opened my eyes to see who it was. I jerked opening my eyes widely as I saw Ishani Di ! What is she doing at my place- ?
Wait- Oh. It's not my place anymore. I'm married. I remind myself. I looked around and found I was in living room. Oh ! I slept here last night. Nice !
She had Vihaan in her hands. "Mumma, why is Mami sleeping here ?" Listening to him I sat straight.
But thank God ! Jiju called him and he went to his dad. "Yuvaani ?" She called me out again.
"Yes, Di ?" I said as I know which question was coming next.
"What are you doing here ? Did he throw you out of the room ?" The most expected question came my way.
"Nahi, Di. Aisa nahi hai. I myself stepped out"
"Mat defend Karo usse, Vaani. I know how he is. He might have said something to hurt you"
"What will you have for breakfast ?" I asked her diverting the subject.
"He said something ?" She asked again.
Both the siblings are same ! Adamant. She's refusing to change the subject and he keeps rubbing the fact 'he would never love me' on my face.
"Yes" I gave in.
"What ?"
"He needs to separate out. In terms of meals"
"Oh ! Nothing to worry about. He keeps doing this since childhood" she giggled at end.
"What will you have for breakfast ?" She added.
"Anything will do" I said.
Saying I bid her off and made my way to the room. I sighed and twisted the door knob and got in. He was getting ready in front of the mirror, setting his hair. I looked at kids and it felt they would wake up anytime soon.
I ignored him and got to the restroom for my morning business. I came out and he wasn't there. Neither the kids were.
I got ready in a simple yellow anarkali and went outside.
The kids emerged in Walker roaming around while their grandparents were looking after them. I smiled at the sight, but my smiled erased as he stood in front of me, in the kitchen wearing an apron.
"I'll do it, you sit" I spoke normally and he agreed.
We were done with breakfast and everyone got on the table. Everyone had Poha but Aarush and I had Aaloo Paratha.
"Mami, mujhe bhi Paratha ! Mujhe poha nahi khana" Vihaan cried. He had openly declared his immense love for potatoes and its dishes.
I took another plate and gave him mine Paratha with curd. The kids were having their milk and were playing with each other simultaneously.
"Yuvaani, sit with us. Don't overwork" Mumma called out.
"Yes I'm coming, Mumma" I went to kitchen to bring myself a plate and served Paratha to me. I knew knew Aaloo Paratha is irresistible, so I cooked for everyone.
I sat and began to eat and a sudden question came from mom "Beta, when are your holidays getting over ?"
"Which holidays, Mom ?" I asked as unsure of what was she asking.
"Office, baccha ! When are you re-joining ?" She asked me again.
I didn't want to answer her in front of Aarush. Should I lie ?
Nahi ! Rishton ki shuruaat jhoot se karogi kya ?
"W-wo .. I resigned" I said in a breath and all of a sudden Paratha felt more interesting than anything else !
"But why ?" It was him.
"Aise hi, thoda break chahiye tha" I lied staring deep into my plate.
"Because of my kids ?"
It felt as if he was accusing me. Like I was the one who did wrong. What should I possibly do ? If I would be working after marriage, I would have grown lenient towards the kids. And he married me for his kids. My parents would scold me for the very fact I'm not doing well in my marital home. It's better to focus on one thing at a time, right ?
"No, they have nothing to do with this"
"You don't have to sacrifice anything. Resume your job tomorrow" he said in a dead end tone.
Are we really bickering in front of the whole family ?
"We shall discuss this later. Let's have breakfast" I finally looked at him and gave him a small smile. His face was hard and rough. I was being accused by his eyes and he continues to do so.
Everyone had their breakfast and he caught my hand in front of everyone present there and pulled me to our room. Oops ! His room.
It was the first time he was touching me. I felt something jingling in my stomach. An unusual feeling stirred within giving me goosebumps. I feared what was coming next.
He opened the room door and made me in. He left my hand in a jerk saying "What have you done ?"
By voice depicted anger, frustration and a look 'you will regret this decision'
"I've done nothing" I said averting my eyes from his piercing gaze which was burning on my skin.
"Really, Yuvaani ? Leaving your job is nothing for you ? Leaving your dreams is nothing ? Being the version that you never were, is nothing ? Sacrificing anything and everything which you never dreamed of, to a stranger is nothing ? ARE THESE THINGS NOTHING ?" he literally yelled at me.
I shiver ran down my spine hearing him. It's the first day of my marriage and the day is Great. As you can see.
I'm trying hard. Really hard to forget everything and moving on with life. With no emotions, remember ? But the man in front of me keeps reminding me of the worst days I've ever faced. The days I've been forced. The days where everything was against me, my will. Still I got married. For the good. For him. For his kids. But he didn't count my efforts. He just keeps bringing the shit repeatly.
Also the fact I didn't like him yelling at me. I did it by my own. Because I know I'll screw up. I've screwed up multitasking in my college and I don't want to repeat my mistakes. That's what life teaches you, right ?
"It's my decision. I took that. And please don't keep reminding me of the stuff that I don't want to remember anymore" I muttered silently looking down, so he won't hurt by my words.
"That's your problem ! Look for yourself, Yuvaani. Don't look after me or my kids. I'm sufficient for that. Even I work, but I take care of their Doctor's appointments, their food, what they want, what they need. Every damn thing !"
"But you're not with them 24/7. Infants need to look after every second. And you can't do that ! You have office !"
"Don't give me your bookish language ! Okay ? And please don't do anything for us ! I beg you ! Because I don't take such favours I can't return"
"Pehli baat. I ain't doing any 'favour'. Dusri baat, Ye mai aapke liye nahi baccho ke liye kar rahi hu. Ab wo mere bhi bacche hai, haina ?" I asked him lowering my voice assuring him that we aren't two different teams. We are two different people in a team.
I felt his eyes softened, that encouraged me to continue further.
"Aap office mein rehte hai, tab tak unke sath koi toh chahiye na ? They're babies, Aarush ! Why can't you understand that ? You married me so they can get a mother, right ? If I'm their mother now so you're restricting me. Dono parents mein se kisi ek ko toh unke sath hona chahiye na 24/7 ? Ab tk aapke parents the unke sath, abhi bhi hai. You trust them, that's why you go to the office every day not stressing over the fact that your kids are at home. I don't know what you think of me. But I can assure you one thing, mai unke liye kuch bhi kar sakti hu, aap chinta mat kijiye mere rehte baccho ko kuch nahi hone dungi"
I just searched for an emotion on his face but I didn't find any. "I'm getting late, I should go" he muttered and left.
Maybe somewhere deep within he accepted the fact that I wasn't wrong. Why should we let those innocents suffer despite they're not at fault. Right ?
I went to kitchen and set a cooker of dal. I've read somewhere that babies should be given dal ka paani, when they can't eat anything.
But they're almost one, they should eat a few things other than milk too. I went to Mumma and asked her about their food and got to know.
Later, I mixed a bit dal chawal together and mashed it like khichadi and fed both the babies. They're running all around with the help of walker and I've been feeding them.
To be honest, I liked this. I liked them. They gave me a feeling of warmth, which I don't think so anyone could ever give me.