Happy Valentine's Day, babies!â¤ï¸
***
6 years ago...
I was lying on a wide bed, my head tucked under a pillow and lazily scrolling through the news on my phone. The room was peacefully quiet, broken only by the light sound of rain outside the window. Roman, leaning on his elbow, looked at me with a soft smile. There was something in his gaze that I couldn't quite figure out yet. But I didn't care, because we had so little time for each other.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked, putting my phone aside.
"About the future," he answered, not looking away. His voice was quiet but confident.
I turned on my side to get a better look at his face. Roman was one of those people who always kept his emotions under control, but now there was something new, almost childish, in his eyes.
"What future?" I asked curiously.
Roman ran his hand through my hair, taking his time to answer. His fingers trembled slightly, and it didn't escape my attention.
"About us," he said finally. "And about the children."
I froze. I had expected anything but this. Our relationship had been full of passion, adventure, and deep conversations, but the topic of children had never come up. It was new, unknown, and therefore a little scary.
"Children?" I asked again, hoping my voice sounded calm.
Roman nodded.
"I've been thinking about it for the last few days. I think I'm ready. Ready for a family. A real family, with you."
I felt my heart beat faster. I had always considered myself a person who did not rush into such decisions. My childhood, full of chaos and confusion, had left traces in my soul that I carefully hid. I always thought that I would never be ready for such responsibility.
"Roman, this is so unexpected..." I muttered. "You know that this is a huge step. Especially in our world, and if it's only about the heir then..."
"No, no, no, krasavica." He interrupted. "It's not that. Of course, I know it's a big step. But you and I have been through a lot. We have become a team. You are my rock, my home. I want to build something bigger with you."
I looked into his eyes, trying to find a hint of doubt, but his gaze was clear and sure. My thoughts were torn between fear and trepidation. I loved him with all my heart, but could I be as good a mother as I was a woman to Roman?
"What if I can't handle it?" I said quietly, finally saying what was tormenting my soul. "I didn't have an example of an ideal mother, and that's why I'm too cruel a person."
Roman ran his hand through my hair again, but this time his touch was more insistent, almost protective.
"We'll get through this together. Don't you know you're the strongest woman I've ever met? And I'm tough too, but at the same time, I think we could be gentle for our child."
Tears welled up in my eyes. I closed them for a moment, allowing myself to feel the warmth of his words. My fears were still there, but they didn't seem so overwhelming with him around.
"Do you really think so?" I asked, opening my eyes.
"I know it." His voice was filled with such confidence that my heart fluttered.
I took a deep breath. Thoughts about the future still scared me, but there was room for hope in them. She saw in these thoughts herself and Roman, holding hands, a small miracle that united us even more.
"Then maybe I'm ready to think about it too," I said quietly.
Roman hugged me tightly, almost with relief. Our conversation was not over yet, but the most important thing had been said. That's how I felt.
Roman kissed the top of my head, his lips lingering on my hair a little longer than usual. He knew how hard it was for me to open up and talk about my fears. I was a strong woman, but even strong women need support.
"We're not going to rush it," he said softly. "I just want you to know that I see us as parents. And honestly, when I think about it, I feel happy."
I allowed myself to relax in his arms. I looked at the rain outside the window, listened to the sound of drops on the glass and thought about how unexpectedly the conversation had turned my inner world upside down. Once I was afraid to even dream of a family, and now this fear began to give way to something brighter.
"You know, when I was little, I often dreamed of a family that I never had," I said suddenly, breaking the silence. "Big, friendly, with lots of laughter and joy. But then, when I grew up, I stopped believing that it was possible."
Roman raised himself on his elbow and looked at me with concern.
"Mel, everything that happened to you does not determine your future. You do not have to repeat other people's mistakes."
"What if I do it again?" There was pain in my voice.
"You are not alone." His words were firm and confident. "You will never be alone. We will work together. We will love, learn, make mistakes, and try again. But we will do it together."
Roman's words sounded so sincere that my chest warmed up. I felt his confidence being transmitted to me. He always knew what to say in difficult times. Perhaps this is the very love that they write about in books and sing about in songs: not ideal, but real, alive.
I turned towards him, pressing myself closer so that I could feel his warmth.
"I want to try this, Mr. Kirillov," I said a little louder. "I don't know what will come of this, but I want to try."
His face lit up with a smile. It wasn't just joy, it was relief mixed with hope. He hugged me tighter, and there was so much strength in that embrace that all my doubts dissolved for a moment.
"This is everything I dreamed of," he said. "Thank you."
We lay there for a few more minutes, enjoying the closeness and newfound understanding. It was as if the world outside the room had disappeared, leaving only the two of us and our shared dreams.
"Have you ever thought about what our children will be like?" I suddenly asked, smiling at the corner of my lips.
"Of course," Roman admitted. "They will have your eyes. I'm sure of it."
"And your stubbornness?" I laughed.
"Perhaps," he nodded, playing along with me.
"But I think it's a good combination. Better my stubbornness than yours."
"What would you like for them?" I asked my next question seriously.
Roman thought for a moment.
"Freedom to be themselves. For them to grow up knowing they are loved for who they are. And for them to have a place where they will always feel at home."
I felt my eyes fill with tears again, but this time they were tears of happiness. He was saying exactly what I always wanted to hear. The house we were going to build together promised to be strong and bright.
"I want the same," I whispered.
We continued to talk all night. Roman told me about his childhood dreams, about how he always wanted to be the father he never knew. I shared my fears and memories, and he listened to me with patience and understanding.
By morning the rain outside had died down and smiles were shining on our faces. We knew that a difficult path lay ahead of us, but we were ready to go through it together. And that meant everything.
***
Present days...
"We, are you ready to be discharged?" the nurse asked unexpectedly, tearing me out of my warm memories.
"Yes, of course." I nodded.
To hell with it all.
It's time to end this crap.